Zumbador

Zumbador , 29 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

Here's something that causes friction between me and my family.

Someone asks me to make a decision about something I don't have a strong preference, but they want me to have a preference.

"do you want x or y? "

Saying "I don't care" comes across as rude, and even softening it as "I don't really have a preference" or turning it back to them by saying "what do you think?" isn't appreciated. They want me to care.

I understand that they want me to choose so they don't have to do that emotional labour. That's fair. But often when I do choose (at random), they try to change my mind, and then I'm back to square one because I don't really care, and I don't want to lie!

A honest answer would be "I'm depressed, I don't want to exist. Putting on a polite face is taking up all my effort, expecting me to actually care is beyond my capacity"

But that's too heavy for most interactions.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, just writing it out.

#ActuallyAutistic

18+ Zumbador OP , 29 days ago

@artemis @actuallyautistic

That's actually a good point. I hadn't considered that dynamic. That could work.

Zumbador OP , 29 days ago

@DrMcStrange @actuallyautistic

Yes with my husband I've started saying something similar, "how about x but I'm open to y"

And I just have to trust that he'll speak up if he secretly wanted something else.

Zumbador OP , 29 days ago

@roknrol @actuallyautistic

That sounds like a good strategy. And it's true that sometimes I'll discover that I do care about some aspect of whatever it is...

mondoweiss , 1 month ago to palestine group

Indiana University's "Liberation Commencement" was a celebration of the students' brave commitment to fighting powerful institutions and their involvement in challenging Zionism and the Palestinian genocide.

https://mondoweiss.net/2024/05/a-tale-of-two-commencements-how-gaza-solidarity-encampments-are-changing-the-way-we-see-university-education/

#Palestine #Israel #Gaza
@palestine @israel

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@ScriptFanix @nicholas_saunders @KathyLK @skippy442 @somekindahate3 @mondoweiss @palestine @actuallyautistic Hey there. Could you please remove the @ actuallyautistic tag from your responses in this conversation? Since this doesn't seem to be relevant to our group. Thanks!

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

"It might not feel like it's an active step toward self-acceptance or authenticity, but coming to understand yourself as disabled is a pretty dramatic reframing of your life."

• Devon Price in Unmasking Autism

This sentence hits me hard. Haven't thought it using that wording. My internalized ableism screams. "I'm not disabled!" But I am. I need to digest this.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@miaoue

Miaoue thank you for articulating this so clearly. I absolutely agree. At some point we need to stop the euphemism creep of making up a new term with positive associations ("Special Needs", for example) that inevitably becomes contaminated with abelist associations.

Dig our heels in and reclaim "disabled" as a term, and directly challenge what needs to be changed: not the word, but the abelist prejudice.

@wilbr @bananamangodog @LehtoriTuomo @faithisleaping @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

This self-discovery journey has been mostly satisfying. However, sometimes one is not really sure what to think. Overcompensating in order not to appear selfish is to be very helpful. I've thought this is an important part about me. I like to help. Now I read that this might actually be a way of masking. I guess the important part is not to OVERcompensate. And to think about my wellbeing first. Ah well.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic With these things, I find it takes time to work through it all and figure out what parts apply to me, and how they apply.

It's worth doing the tests of "Is this masking?" and "This is masking, but I still want to do it" or "This might be masking, but overall it's positive for me and others" or "This is masking, and I shouldn't just reflexively do it, but doing it consciously can be OK at times."

Black and white thinking is a thing, and we like to find rules to help us through ambiguity. But we're all different, and different things will work for us at different times.

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@petelittle1970 @LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic "You don't have to be consistent.. you just have to be happy in yourself."

This is quite a profound insight. It's easy to fall into the trap of trying to find The One Rule that applies to every situation, or to think you're being hypocritical or untrue to your "real self" if you respond differently in different contexts.

But humans just don't work like that. We ARE different people in different contexts, and that's ok.

himantra , 1 month ago to horror group

I've got some audiobook credits before I cancel my account (just not worth it when the #library is there 🥰). Could someone recommend some good audiobooks?

What I am looking for:
✔️Cozy mysteries or cozy horror
✔️If romance, nothing 🌶️ because I can't listen to sex scenes being narrated to me without giggling like a middle schooler.
✔️Female main character = bonus
✔️POC protagonist = bonus
✔️YA or New Adult recs okay

Thanks! 🙏🏽

@bookstodon @horror #bookstodon #cozyMystery #cozyhorror #books #readersofmastodon

GIF of a woman bowing with a smile and saying thank you.

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@mvilain @SallyStrange @himantra @bookstodon @horror Yes! Both The Golem and the Jinni, and its sequel are wonderful "Must Own The Print Copy" books for me. The stories deal with some tough subjects at times, but with so much compassion that they are a pleasure to read.

PixysJourney , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Question to fellow #NeuroSpicy #AuDHD folks... :confusedparrot:

For what sort of toots could I use hashtags like #ActuallyAutistic or the previous two I just used?

I Toot quite a bit about me and my quirky way life. But I never really know if I "should" add any ND hashtags as the "silly" things I Toot about are quite normal to me. If that makes sense 🤔...

I'm proud enough, these days, of who I am. But I wonder if and when it would be good to add some of these tags... Maybe it could help connect with other peeps like me 😇.

Fankoos 🫶🏻 for your help! 🌸

@actuallyautistic

:boosts_ok_gay:

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@pathfinder @PixysJourney @actuallyautistic

As usual, "what Kevin said" 🙂

But I'd also like to add:
Once you've done the basic work of being decent online, (being kind, not harassing people who disagree with you etc) it may help to move on to reframe being blocked / muted / unfollowed as a neutral thing, and not a scold or a judgement.

You get to be yourself on here, and that hopefully attracts people who get who you are. And it might also result in people opting out of following you because they don't get who you are. Or they get it, but for whatever reason, don't want your kind of energy in their feed right now.

You not having to deal with those people, and them not having to deal with you is a good thing for all concerned.

theautisticcoach , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

The deficit model of autism in DSM-5 dehumanizes us by focusing on external traits rather than internal experiences. It's also based in Nazi race science.

How can we push for more relevant diagnostic criteria?

Do we even need it?

#ActuallyAutistic #AskingAutistics @actuallyautistic

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@seanwithwords

Sean, well said.
I would like everyone to have the benefits of knowing whether or not they are autistic, without autism being medicalised and pathologised.

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic

yourautisticlife , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

I think the evidence is mounting that in some circumstances I can be rather slow to process emotions.

Sometimes it is not until the day after something happened that I get angry. During this "something" I keep a placid demeanor. This demeanor is not a strategy or a conscious decision.

Then, the next day, I realize how this very thing gives rise to emotions, often anger.

I'm wondering if it relates to alexithymia. I'm not confused about what I feel, but the feeling may get delayed.

Or maybe it is a combination of:

• people pleasing,
• autistic inertia,
• alexithymia

Just thinking out lout about one of my characteristics here.

#ActuallyAutistic

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@arisummerland @yourautisticlife @actuallyautistic

Yes this is very much how I experience alexithymia.

Sometimes I seem unnaturally calm and unbothered, and the upset only arrives later.

Sometimes I can actually be upset in ways that are apparent to people around me, but I'm not aware of it myself until later.

18+ EVDHmn , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic
Ok going out on a limb here.
I know everyone process dealing and handling loss of a loved one is different and perhaps difficult to talk about.

This week my cousin died who was practically an uncle as far as age. I don’t know how many of you have traced your autistic own family tree. I’ve kind of made it a pet project.

My question is does anyone else find funeral homes so weird and 🤔 panic inducing both thinking of going and going.

18+ Zumbador , 1 month ago

@EVDHmn @actuallyautistic

That is so hard.

Like others have said here, the only way I've found is to be open about my own autism and realisations, and hope that they join the dots themselves.

Especially with family, there are so many other things going on that simply saying "I think you're also autistic" is unlikely to be helpful. For one thing, they don't know what autism means.

The closest I come is to say "...yes, I struggle with that too, and it's a common experience for autistic people..."

The thing I struggle with is that both my own and my husband's family are very judgemental.

I think it's a coping method. You deal with that underlying knowledge that you're fundamentally different, by believing that you're better than others in some vague way, and to deflect judgement from yourself.

A bit like some young women do that "I'm not like other girls" thing, and perpetuate misogyny by deflecting it from themselves onto more obviously feminine girls.

mighty_orbot , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Neurotypicals: “This person likes me, so I’ll talk to them about things I find interesting.”

#Autistic people: “The only way this person will like me is if I don’t tell them about the weird things I find interesting.”

@actuallyautistic

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@migriverat

Note that the @ [email protected] tag means that the original post was posted to a group of autistic people. Unless youre autistic, (maybe you are!) you might inadvertently cause offence.

And if you genuinely feel that you can't talk to people about things that you find interesting... Might be worth investigating whether you're autistic 😉 because that's a incredibly common experience for autistic people.

@Elizabeth3 @mighty_orbot @actuallyautistic @Starbrother

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Yesterday I was wearing sunglasses when I went to the city centre as it was sunny. Oh my, what a difference it made to the sensory overdrive. As I mentioned earlier, I like to watch around but had finally noticed that I keep grounding myself by looking at ground due to all the visual input. Sunglasses took the edge off and it was way easier to look at things.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic yes it makes such a difference!

I recently got myself some prescription shades, and I love them. Reducing the glare is great, but I also like that they hide my eyes and make me look a bit like Terminator Arnie. I can let my face go blank without feeling to self conscious about my resting autistic face.

herhandsmyhands , 1 month ago to Romancelandia group

Covers have a purpose: they signal the genre within.

A cartoon cover of two people dressed casually for camping does not--and I cannot stress this enough--signal EROTICA to anyone.

Holy jumping WHAT THE HELL, #HarperCollinsUK, WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL--you are setting that book (and its author) up to fail.

#CartoonCoverFail #CategoryTagFail

@romancelandia @bookstodon

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@herhandsmyhands @romancelandia @bookstodon yes this looks like "Sweet Romance". Setting themselves up for bad reviews