Zumbador

niamhgarvey , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Doctor suggested I have #ADHD but I don't think I do because:
I am able to force myself to do things even if I'm not interested in it.
I do not like spontaneity.
When I have a deadline, I cannot leave it to the last minute or anxiety would cripple me.
But I do struggle to pay attention unless am hyperfocused. And I do have executive function challenges. And I have to have a project. And I crave dopamine hits.

Anyone else similar to that?
@actuallyautistic
@actuallyadhd

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@niamhgarvey @miffyhelen @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

... and I also want to add that just because some ADHD people can force themselves to cope in these ways, doesn't mean that other ADHD people can, or should.

We're different from one another. People have different resources of energy, money, time, health and support.

And we're just plain different from one another neurologically in terms of impulse control, attention, motivation, executive function.

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@melanie

That is such an injustice. Makes absolutely no sense either. I mean what the actual fuck.

@niamhgarvey @miffyhelen @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@niamhgarvey @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

Another "unofficial" ADHD trait is Big Emotions.

Which sounds a lot like Autistic Joy to me.

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@Glenlivet

You're right, it goes both ways.

I don't know if emotional dysregulation is accurate, that (for me) is a sub category (you can have big emotions without being dysregulated) , otherwise it seems quite pathologising.

@niamhgarvey @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@pathfinder @niamhgarvey @miffyhelen @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd I suspect everyone here has probably already looked at this, but the Misdiagnosis Monday ven diagram of Autism and ADHD is quite good: https://neurodivergentinsights.com/misdiagnosis-monday/adhd-vs-autism

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@niamhgarvey

I find this such a tough balance to achieve.

I have limited energy, but I also need to do things in order to energise myself and stay engaged and not slip into depression or anxiety spiral.

So I can't just rest and do nothing.

@dyani @rebekka_m @melanie @miffyhelen @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@niamhgarvey @miffyhelen @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

Another way to express the "adult diagnosis is difficult" phenomenon is this:

Adult ND people will to some extent have organised our lives according to our needs. So "how much are you struggling" can be a deceptively complex question to answer.

I manage mostly ok because I don't have children, I found a work from home job that allows a lot of solitude, and those 2 things allow me to self regulate more easily.

I didn't know I was autistic when I made all the decisions that led to this lifestyle, I was just lucky enough to be able to choose according to my innate needs.

If I happened to be in a different situation (raising small children, working a unpredictable job that requires a lot of social interaction) my autistic traits would be way more disabling, I'd seem far more obviously autistic from the outside as well as internally.

So if you're still figuring this stuff out, take all that into consideration as well.

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@un_ouragan @niamhgarvey @miffyhelen @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

Not speaking from experience of course, but I can imagine few things more calculated to cause autistic burn out than being a parent in our society, where the entire load of childcare, both physical and emotional labour, along with dysregulating physical, sensory and emotional demands, falls on the parents (and not, for example, the extended family) and more specifically, on the mother. Throw in hormones in flux and childhood trauma and wow.

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@megstev

I'm so sorry, Megan. That sounds very hard. Not being able to be yourself and feel emotionally safe with close family (safe from accidentally hurting them, or being hurt) is so lonely.

@niamhgarvey @un_ouragan @miffyhelen @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

Jennifer , 1 month ago to bookstodon group

I need some new science fiction to read, who has some suggestions? I don't like military sci-fi. For reference, my favorite series is the Expanse, I also enjoyed Scalzi's Collapsing Empire, I love Robert Charles Wilson's books. I mostly enjoy space operas and unique stories about technology, for example I really liked the recent book Mountain in the Sea about AI and intelligent octopus. Suggestions from the awesome Bookstodon community? @bookstodon #Bookstodon #Scifi #ScienceFiction

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@elysegrasso

Elyse, agreed. I had exactly the same experience when reading it. I thought the early passages about the cultural revolution were compelling, but after 2/3rds it became impersonal and boring for me.

@Z_Zed_Zed @Jennifer @bookstodon

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@elysegrasso @Z_Zed_Zed @diazona @Jennifer @bookstodon

Interlocking MacGuffins is such an awesome phrase, not sure if it should be a band name or a username.

Fun to say as well.

pathfinder , 2 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

Autistic brains be stupid. Well, obviously not stupid, they just seem to work, or not work, in mysterious ways.

The main one that has always got me, about mine, is that I have no memory for sound, absolutely none. I can't remember a song, or a sound. I can't remember what my parents sounded like and none of my memories carry, for want of a better word, a soundtrack. I can remember what I was thinking and what others were saying, but not hearing them say it, nor any other sound. I also don't dream in sound, at least as far as I know. All my dreams are silent.

And yet, and it's a big yet. I have an excellent memory for voices and sounds. Like many autistics I have near perfect pitch, at least when I'm hearing others sing, or music playing. Just don't ask me to reproduce it, because I can't. If I meet someone I haven't met for a while, then I will almost certainly not recognise their face, or remember their name, but there is a very good chance that I will recognise them from their voice. I am also very good at detecting accents. Even the slightest hint of one in, say, an actor pretending to be an american, will get me searching Wikipedian to see if I am right about their actual nationality.

So, if I can tell the sound of a Honda CBR engine two blocks away, or a voice, or an accent buried deep, I must have the memories to compare against. And yet... nope.

So, as I said, autistic brains be stupid.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@clacke @actuallyautistic @pathfinder

I had to read up on this:

"Explicit memory involves recalling previously learned information that requires conscious effort to receive" for example personal experience ("x happened to me on y day") and factual information you had to learn ("city is the capital of y country")

"Implicit memory is unconscious and effortless" for example muscle memory (how to ride a bike etc), understanding categories (knowing what things are), having emotional associations with things (you react emotionally in certain ways to certain things) .

Lots to think about here, for example explicit memory of things that fall in my special interest is stronger than things that don't.

Constant earworms seem related to implicit (short term auditory) memory.

Also the differences in encoding the different forms of memory vs retrieving them.

eg I have vivid visual memory but have difficulty recognising people.

pathfinder , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

Much to my shock I realised that I could be autistic when I was 53, roughly 7 years ago. And it was a shock, even though I suspect a very small, well hidden and very much ignored part of me, might have suspected. No one told me about it, or suggested that it might be the case. I did not see myself in relatives, the way so many of us do. I just happened to come across an autism test online and for no particular reason, took it.

It was that, that started me on my path to realising and finally accepting the truth that I was autistic. But, looking back, I sometimes find it hard to understand how I didn't know earlier. So much of my life now, just screams autism at me. But even ignoring the horribly ableist and medieval view I had of what autism was, the main reason why I didn't was probably because I could mask, both from myself and others, so well.

It was, I realise now, a life lived in denial. A denial of how much things bothered me, how much effort I had to put into things. Even a denial of the things I knew I couldn't do. Because this is the thing about appearing to mask so well, for so long. It is, in a sense, a lie. I couldn't mask well, if at all. Not all the time. Not in all situations or circumstances. There were things I just couldn't cope with, or even begin to deal with. But the trick was, that I either knew about them, or learnt the hard way about them and then I could manage my life to avoid them. Because they were things I could live without, without affecting how I appeared to be coping. Things that didn't affect the way I lived, even if they did affect my sense of worth. Because, how broken did you have to be, not to be able to go to crowded events, like a sports match, or a concert? Or to be able to deal with the socialising of a large gathering, or a family event, without having to hide in the kitchen, or forever outside, or break down in a toilet?

It was all part of how I masked myself from myself. The internal masking, as I like to call it. If I couldn't cope, then I was broken. If I couldn't stand something, then I was too picky, or sensitive, or I simply needed to learn to ignore it. And somehow I did learn. I learnt how to cope with noise and smell and visual overwhelm. I learnt to not let things bother me. To a point at least. There was always a step too far, when I couldn't, or didn't have the energy any more to maintain it. And this did take energy, a lot of it. Something I've only realising now that I don't have the energy to spare to even try it. Or the ability to, in many respects now that I know what I was trying so desperately to hide from.

Because when the truth is known, it's far harder to deny it. It's far harder to live the life where appearing to cope, is as good as coping. Where blaming yourself, is easier than seeing others faults. Where ignoring the pain, makes the pain go away. It's hard to see the mask as a benefit and always a good thing, rather than the shield and tool it always was.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@janisf @TheBreadmonkey @pathfinder @actuallyautistic

Chiming in to repeat what others have said.

Realising that you're different from who you assumed you are is a big deal and it will take you time to figure it all out.

It's valid to have complicated feelings and doubts, and OK to express them.

One of the ironies of this is that being autistic makes it more likely that we doubt our own experience. This quote from the Embrace Autism site sums it up for me:

"We are lateral thinkers. Our superior lateral abilities generate multiple relevant possibilities for any problem. So we hypothesize what we might actually be and come up with many alternatives. Even if autism perfectly describes us, we may still have doubts because some of our behaviors can be attributed to other conditions."

Enema_Cowboy , 1 month ago to bookstodon group

@bookstodon I just finally read Watership Down. What an amazing book!

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@Enema_Cowboy @bookstodon
It really is. I reread it recently and this time I was struck by how much Richard Adams's wartime experience must have influenced the story.

Zumbador , 1 month ago

@Enema_Cowboy @bookstodon

Yes exactly!