yourautisticlife

Autistrain , 5 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

People should let go. It's important to have joy.

For example, it was raining a lot today. I went for a walk in the forest under the rain. It was very peaceful with nearly nobody. You have small streams of water on the edge of the paths. With everything that the streams could carry, it went to small dams creating 'tiny lakes'.

What I like to do since I'm a kid is breaking the dams to see the water flowing, building some rudimental embankment to redirect the flow.

I was there in the forest walking. I stopped and broke some dams and built some embankments. I had a lot of fun and #autistic joy.

This is a good thing to remember to let go, do what we like and give us joy.

#actuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

yourautisticlife , 6 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

Last night, I thought I was going to have two video chats with dating prospects. The chats did not happen, and I don't know why. It could be as simple as a miscommunication.

The anxiety, however, is real. I've been cast aside by so many people for dubious reasons that even when things are going well, I think they are going badly. :holdthepain:

Last night, I had a dream that I was at some sort of event. I was with a group of friends. There was a crowd, and we had to make our way through the crowd.

The group got ahead of me, and eventually lost me. There I was alone in the crowd, with no one wondering where I was.

I don't think it was a coincidence that I had that dream after my two video chats did not happen.

#ActuallyAutistic

quinze , 14 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Heya @actuallyautistic folks, do we have a Prime Directive around undiagnosed folks?

Trans folks have the Egg Prime Directive: don't tell someone they might be trans, because it's conter-intuitive in most cases (pushing people deeper into the closet).

As I disclose my diagnosis to people close to me, an unsurprising amount of them resonate with my experience and ask me whether I think they might be. I refuse to answer but share resources and offer to reply to questions about my personal experience.

chevalier26 , 17 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic Somehow got into an argument earlier about fractions with my parents, especially the fraction 15/16. I said that 7.5/8 is the same thing as 15/16, because they can be converted to each other by multiplying or dividing the numerator and denominator by 2.

My mom basically said, no, that's not right because it's not a "proper fraction" which doesn't make sense to me. The math checks out, and numerators can have decimal integers. Is there something I'm missing?

yourautisticlife , 17 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

I'm still processing what happened to me on Saturday.

I wrote about it here:

https://www.yourautisticlife.com/2024/06/09/when-being-social-destroys-you/

I'm struggling to understand why it happened, and what exactly happened.

I used to be able to go to Jamborees, dance clubs, and so on and so forth.

Why did having to socialize with 30 people suddenly make me crash?

I've put it into the category of "involuntary unmasking" but I'm not sure that's what it is.

I'm also not sure what the crash that I experience should be called. It is not a burnout because it wasn't long enough. I don't think it was a meltdown. I thought about a shutdown, but I don't see lack of energy as a symptom.

I'm not convinced that this is one aspect of my autism. In some circumstances, I may get overwhelmed by socialization and crash.

If someone had asked me about this at the time of my self-diagnosis, I would have said that it does not happen to me.

:holdthepain:

#ActuallyAutistic

yourautisticlife , 18 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

I called 911 this morning.

"OMG! Are you okay?"

Yes, I am. Thanks for asking, but you should already know this, alter ego.

"I'm not a dunce, but I play one in your dialogues. :derpface: "

Cut it out with that face. For once, I was not calling for myself or for someone else.

"That does not leave a lot of people. Who were you calling for?"

A traffic light.

"A traffic light?"

Yes, as I was coming back from getting groceries, a traffic light was stuck. It was stuck on red in my direction and green in the other. At first, I was shaking my head and muttering at all the folks who were ignoring the "no right on red" sign, but I looked at the pedestrian signal, and it was not showing anything. That's when I figured the lights were stuck.

"What did you do?"

To get out of my immediate predicament? Unspeakable things. I drove back home thinking about the problem. I figured it should be reported, and that the problem was urgent enough to contact 911.

I texted them. The exchange was mostly painless. The first line I got from them was asking where my emergency was, but I had already told them in my initial message. I pointed this out, and they got my point immediately. They realized the problem was in DC and they transferred me to DC's 911. They said they'd notify the department responsible for the lights.

I hope 911 has a direct line with them because I wouldn't want to know someone crashed because they dragged their feet. There wasn't a ton of traffic at the time I was there (7:30-ish am), but I know that traffic can increase dramatically at that intersection.

" 😴 💤 "

:headache:

#ActuallyAutistic

yourautisticlife , 19 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

I'm starting to appreciate the effects of a locale on my capability to gracefully endure an event.

I went to the monthly bi brunch from 11:45am to 1:15pm today. I came back home DEAD. I took a 30 minutes nap earlier. I could have napped for longer, but I dread the sleep inertia that I experience if sleep too long. I'm still feeling utterly dead.

So what did it? We were easily 30 people that probably contributed to it. The discussions were numerous and hard to follow. It was also in a locale that I'm not super fond of. I've petitioned our organizers for a different locale, but I don't know yet what's going to happen with this.

For comparison, the bi board games run from 1pm to 4pm, and we typically go have supper afterwards. I don't recall ever feeling this exhausted after that event.

Same with the French chat, which is about two hours long.

#ActuallyAutistic

Zumbador , 24 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

Here's something that causes friction between me and my family.

Someone asks me to make a decision about something I don't have a strong preference, but they want me to have a preference.

"do you want x or y? "

Saying "I don't care" comes across as rude, and even softening it as "I don't really have a preference" or turning it back to them by saying "what do you think?" isn't appreciated. They want me to care.

I understand that they want me to choose so they don't have to do that emotional labour. That's fair. But often when I do choose (at random), they try to change my mind, and then I'm back to square one because I don't really care, and I don't want to lie!

A honest answer would be "I'm depressed, I don't want to exist. Putting on a polite face is taking up all my effort, expecting me to actually care is beyond my capacity"

But that's too heavy for most interactions.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, just writing it out.

#ActuallyAutistic

chevalier26 , 27 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic
What kind of music do y’all like?

I’ve found that my music taste sometimes mimics that of my friends, but generally I listen to completely different stuff than most people. I love heavy metal, folk/bluegrass, anything indie, 50’s-80’s music, and a lot of traditional songs from the Renaissance, Middle Ages, and earlier. I also like Christian hymns but that’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

Would love to expand my own tastes by hearing from y’all!

yourautisticlife , 28 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

I'm not surprised by the result they discuss in the following article. I think self-awareness of our conditions is critical for neurodivergent folks to have a chance at flourishing.

Here's the Scientific American article making this argument:

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/neurodivergent-kids-flourish-when-theyre-taught-how-their-brains-work/

I've actually argued this multiple times myself. Here, I argue that neurodivergence should be part of the school curriculum:

https://www.yourautisticlife.com/2023/09/21/on-the-importance-of-teaching-neurodivergence/

And here I argue against hiding a diagnosis of neurodivergence from kids:

https://www.yourautisticlife.com/2024/04/20/do-not-condemn-your-child-to-a-life-of-confusion/

I think self-awareness is important, but I sure hope that people don't get from this that once a neurodivergent kid knows about their own condition, everything is solved.

I'm autistic, yes. I know my limitations, yes. I still need to nap a few times a day, I suffer from insomnia, and I don't aim to return to an office. This does not change from the fact that I know about my conditions.

#ActuallyAutistic #neurodivergent

yourautisticlife , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

Another autistic trait.... maybe...

I'm left-handed. Left-handedness correlates with neurodivergence.

I also have difficulty recognizing left and right. The labels appear arbitrary to me. If everyone swapped them around, we'd still be able to operate.

I've talked about the above before, but here's a new one.

If you ask me to put down cutlery at a table, you can toss a coin as to whether I'm going to do it right or wrong.

I'm probably going to flip everything, unless I reflect that I'm likely to flip everything and go against my initial impulse.

I cannot count the number of times this caused friction with my father. My ex-wife was nicer and gently corrected me.

#ActuallyAutistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

I'm currently reading Unmasking Autism by Devon Price and it's super interesting. It surely resonates and I recognize myself in many places.

Reading about "female autism" -- which Price criticizes as a label -- was a real eye opener. I too am a very sensitive and likable person who adjusts to new situations quickly.

For instance, I've noticed ages ago that I take cues from the situation, mirror verbal and nonverbal expressions and mannerisms. I might not give much of my real self if the situation doesn't feel safe. It often doesn't. Plus I'm introverted so there's that.

Another example. When writing to others, I tone my reply to fit the recipient or forum. I've loved using emojis but if the recipient doesn't use them, I haven't used them either.

And now I read this is masking. Mind blown.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

yourautisticlife , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

My post yesterday about delayed processing of anger was not happenstance.

My ex-bf did something on Friday that showed he has no regards for my feelings. In my book, he effectively lied about why he did not want to be with me. If you have feelings of déjà vu, you're right on the money. This is similar to what happened with the ex-gf I called my sweetest success, and my bitterest failure. She lied about our breakup.

I was raging with anger yesterday. If we had an interaction I would have rained hellfire on the boy.

What would I have accomplished? I would have made a bad situation even worse. Oh, I would have felt a dose of self-satisfaction, but at what cost? It wouldn't have fixed anything.

I expect we're going to talk again. I expect that when we do, instead of raining hellfire, I'll express my hurt and my disappointment. Truth be told, even if I had rained hellfire, I would have expressed my hurt and my disappointment, but a message embedded in a thick layer of hellfire is unlikely to be heard.

I'm going also to tell him that the friendship between him and I is over. I can't abide liars. I can't abide people who are blind to my feelings.

Maybe those who decide to cut contact with me after a breakup are onto something. If they lied about our breakup, those lies could be exposed.

I've written about the uselessness of anger before:

https://www.yourautisticlife.com/2024/04/06/anger-this-unwanted-and-useless-guest/

I'm not ready to declare all anger to be useless, but right now, it is.

#ActuallyAutistic

yourautisticlife , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

I think the evidence is mounting that in some circumstances I can be rather slow to process emotions.

Sometimes it is not until the day after something happened that I get angry. During this "something" I keep a placid demeanor. This demeanor is not a strategy or a conscious decision.

Then, the next day, I realize how this very thing gives rise to emotions, often anger.

I'm wondering if it relates to alexithymia. I'm not confused about what I feel, but the feeling may get delayed.

Or maybe it is a combination of:

• people pleasing,
• autistic inertia,
• alexithymia

Just thinking out lout about one of my characteristics here.

#ActuallyAutistic

yourautisticlife , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

You're gonna laugh.

You're gonna cry.

Well, maybe not.

I've got myself some Sony WH-1000XM4 noise-canceling headphones, fully expecting that I'd be returning them.

Haha....

I don't think I'll be returning them.

They are definitely a superior pair of headphones to my Anker Life Q30 Hybrid.

They block more of the outside noise. They also have more features than the Anker.

I have more tests to run before a final verdict.

#ActuallyAutistic

yourautisticlife , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

I had a strange experience last night.

Usually, when I fall asleep there are gaps in my consciousness. It goes: awake, gap, dream, gap, awake.

In other words, there is no continuity of consciousness between the wakeful state and the dream state.

However, last night there was a continuity. I was able to have conscience of myself falling asleep, entering dreamland, dreaming, coming out of dreamland, and being awake again. This cycle repeated itself three times.

Previously, the closest I came to this was that sometimes I'd be conscious of pulling back at the last minute. In this case, I wouldn't actually fall asleep, I'd progressively go towards sleep, but pull back at the last minute.

I wondering if it has anything to do with autism.

#ActuallyAutistic

yourautisticlife , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

"It’s past time to stop using the Reading the Mind in the Eyes Test"

I did part of the test a while back, mostly as a joke. I was watching a YouTube video in which an autistic person was showing pictures from the test.

This article makes a convincing argument as to why the test is complete bullshit.

Any "professional" who uses it to decide if someone is autistic is a fraud. Same if they use it to prove that autistic people lack of theory of mind.

#ActuallyAutistic

https://www.thetransmitter.org/spectrum/its-past-time-to-stop-using-the-reading-the-mind-in-the-eyes-test/

everyday_human , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

#actuallyautistic
#actuallyadhd
@actuallyautistic
@actuallyadhd

Ok so what are some signals and reasons for signals that’s your partner wants you to do something?

Perhaps it’s the way they hold their coffee or change thier tone or give you looks to let them know what you want or what they are trying to signal to your brain to essentials observe and understand what’s going to happen next

It can be anything I’m curious if any couples made any cognitive life hacks 😵‍💫😒

lifewithtrees , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

“What do you want to do 5 years from now?”

🤔

😬

🤯

I am having a difficult time visioning 5 years from now, what I want to do and then how to get there.

Some of this is due to the chaos of the last few years, but I also think it could be a challenge due to #AuDHD

Also I am 42 so midlife stuff?

That all said, how do you vision 5 years from now?

@actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

One reason why it took me so long to self-diagnose autism is that I thought I don't stim. In fact, once I learned that I do stim, my self-diagnosis process kicked in. That was the first time I said to myself that I might actually be autistic.

The reason for this misunderstanding was that I thought stimming is stereotypical, very repetitive, compulsory movement. I guess this misunderstanding is quite common.

I've since learned that stimming, short for self-stimulatory behavior, is basically stimulating one's sensory system in certain ways. It may be a way to soothe oneself, help to focus in overwhelming situations by feeding one's brain predictable sensory input, a way to express joy, or simply something that feels nice. Movements are part of it but any sense can be used.

When googling the term, there are mentions that also neurotypicals stim but that when diagnosing autism, stimming is somehow different -- only socially unacceptable stims are "real" stims. Bah.

I've started paying attention to how and when I stim, and collect a list of stims I do. I've noticed all types of stimming behavior (soothing, focusing, joy, fun). I do it more than before -- or maybe I just notice it more often. I've noticed that I love moving my body parts, especially to music. I also love different textures.

#ActuallyAutistic #stimming @actuallyautistic

yourautisticlife , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

I've explained before that when I stim to music, and I'm ambulatory, I walk in rhythm to the music.

I even do this when I'm waiting in line for something.

Lucky for me that John Cage's 4′33″ hasn't come up yet while I was in a line. It would be a bit annoying to have to explain my lack of movement to the people behind me in the line.

😬

#ActuallyAutistic

yourautisticlife , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

Remember how I said that my needs for sleep change without rhyme or reason?

I no longer sleep with white or brown noise, and I no longer sleep hugging my squishmallow.

Why?

🤷

My nights have improved remarkably since I stopped doing this.

The rest of my ritual hasn't changed.

#ActuallyAutistic