LehtoriTuomo

LehtoriTuomo , 2 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

I've never paid much attention to song lyrics. With repeated listening I might learn bits of it but for many songs I've got no clue what they say even after decades of listening. For me, vocals are just another instrument. Still, I've been the vocalist in several bands!

There's a big difference between Finnish and English lyrics for me. As Finnish is my native language, I find it way easier to decipher lyrics, unlike in English, even though my English is pretty good.

Now that I know about my auditory processing difficulties, I wonder if it's related to that. How about my fellow autistics? Do you pay attention to lyrics?

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 8 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Checked an old work notebook to see if there were any important notes to transfer somewhere else. Suddenly there was a doodle of myself with an infinity symbol on the t-shirt. The page was about a seminar on neurodiversity at the university! The seminar was two years ago so before my self-diagnosis.

As this might be of interest to others (no big insights though), here are my notes (translated from Finnish):

"- ADHD: different regulation of alertness, emotions, and attention (different way to be)

• Autism: different social interaction, imagination, and communication (different way to see!)

Neuro minorities:

• experience of being different
• understanding of hierarchy
• thinking outside the box
• creativity
• empathy
• sensory regulation
• own role
• own pace
• special interests
• social pressure"

The page ends with a personal note that, in hindsight, I absolutely love:

"sometimes wondered whether I myself am on the spectrum, but then again not..."

Can't help thinking the trans trope "there were no signs" 😅

#ActuallyAutistic #autism # ADHD #neurodiversity
@actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 14 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

One of the stereotypes with autistic people is that one is clumsy. Before I self-diagnosed I thought I'm not clumsy. Recently I've become very aware that, actually, I am. Not in relation to big things but dropping small things, knocking them over etc. I've just learned to react quick and often catch them before they hit the surface. If I'm tired, then things start to go wrong.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 14 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

I came to a fast food place I haven't visited in ages. I was delighted that my favorite spot at the far end corner was not taken. Nobody else is in the neighbor tables so I'm alone in this small area. Then it hit me: this is another autism thing. In this spot there's the minimum amount of distractions in this whole place.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 16 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Been thinking about smiling/not smiling as masking. Yesterday I had a meeting with a colleague, me being tired. Suddenly I realized I'm not smiling and wondered whether I would've smiled in this situation when I didn't understand I'm autistic. I might've forced a smile before but now I didn't feel like smiling so I didn't. This wasn't the first time I realized I'm not smiling while the situation is such that it'd be "desirable" that I do smile.

On the other hand, I've understood that I started unmasking even before I knew I was masking by smiling when I feel like it walking down the street. I might be just happy, see something nice, or maybe think about something amusing. People don't usually smile on their own and I've recognized this impulse to hide one's smile.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 17 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

I like to keep my long hair open. For the most part it's behind my ears but I'd love to keep it flying free. But then, with even a little bit of wind all of those single hairs are everywhere on my face, tickling and demanding attention. No wonder I have a reflex putting then behind my ears.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 29 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Took a bunch of autism-related online tests, some of which I've also taken in the past. While I previously didn't score "high enough", now several tests said that I have autistic characteristics and am likely somewhere in the spectrum. Huh.

When answering questions, I noticed some places where I would've answered differently earlier. Now that I've been on the self-discovery journey, it seems I've come to understand many things I wasn't aware of earlier. Very interesting.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

"It might not feel like it's an active step toward self-acceptance or authenticity, but coming to understand yourself as disabled is a pretty dramatic reframing of your life."

• Devon Price in Unmasking Autism

This sentence hits me hard. Haven't thought it using that wording. My internalized ableism screams. "I'm not disabled!" But I am. I need to digest this.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

This self-discovery journey has been mostly satisfying. However, sometimes one is not really sure what to think. Overcompensating in order not to appear selfish is to be very helpful. I've thought this is an important part about me. I like to help. Now I read that this might actually be a way of masking. I guess the important part is not to OVERcompensate. And to think about my wellbeing first. Ah well.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

I love Unmasking Autism. I've now read almost the first half and there's this constant flow of "that's me!", "oh!" and "wtf?!" from my part.

Part about learning certain characteristics being unwanted and masking by overcompensating for them was especially revealing. Things that really resonated:

"Pretending I didn't know the answers to questions" and "Keeping silent when people said things that weren't true" in order not to appear arrogant.

"Solving problems by myself" and "Not getting 'too excited' about anything, including good things" in order not to appear annoying and loud.

"Nodding or laughing, even when I have no idea what's going on" in order not to appear clueless and pathetic.

"Not voicing my needs" in order not to appear sensitive.

I'm in this picture and I don't like it... It's not that I recognize ever being certain things but I recognize overcompensating.

#ActuallyAutistic #UnmaskingAutism @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

I've noticed that I've started unmasking in company where it feels safe. Just little things but still. I love eye contact but instead of doing it constantly, I let my eyes wander or look somewhere else. Then I might become aware that this could be considered rude. I trust that these people don't mind. Stimming a bit. Just a bit.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

I'm currently reading Unmasking Autism by Devon Price and it's super interesting. It surely resonates and I recognize myself in many places.

Reading about "female autism" -- which Price criticizes as a label -- was a real eye opener. I too am a very sensitive and likable person who adjusts to new situations quickly.

For instance, I've noticed ages ago that I take cues from the situation, mirror verbal and nonverbal expressions and mannerisms. I might not give much of my real self if the situation doesn't feel safe. It often doesn't. Plus I'm introverted so there's that.

Another example. When writing to others, I tone my reply to fit the recipient or forum. I've loved using emojis but if the recipient doesn't use them, I haven't used them either.

And now I read this is masking. Mind blown.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Went to a bar with a visiting scholar. The first three hours or so were fun. We had good food and nice whisky. Colleague was chatty and I enjoyed listening.

Then loud drunk people came in. I noticed I had hard time following my colleague's talk. The drunk people started to get on my nerves. I was also very conscious of my pinkish nails. Now that I've paid more attention to my bodily reactions, I noticed how anxious the change of the atmosphere made me.

Fortunately I had already checked my bus schedule and the colleague had said that I can just let him know whenever I have to leave. I said that it's getting loud, then explained I'm autistic and have auditory processing problems and that there would be a bus in 15 minutes. He said that we can leave right away. 💜 Once outside, it felt better again.

The older I get, the less I enjoy noisy bars. Or should I say the less I tolerate them. Never really liked them.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Yesterday I was wearing sunglasses when I went to the city centre as it was sunny. Oh my, what a difference it made to the sensory overdrive. As I mentioned earlier, I like to watch around but had finally noticed that I keep grounding myself by looking at ground due to all the visual input. Sunglasses took the edge off and it was way easier to look at things.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Mentioned to a coworker that I'm getting some books, for example on autism, and as they showed interest in the topic, proceeded to lightly info dump. Did give some space so that it was a true conversation. However, it reminded me of a thing I've been pondering.

As I present male, I've always been overly cautious of not mansplaining -- or at least ever since I learned about the term. Now that I know I'm autistic, I understand it's entangled with having learned that NTs don't like infodumping.

Whatever the cause, I have a tendency to stay silent even if I know about the topic at hand but aren't 100% certain that it's appropriate to talk about it. Sometimes it makes me sad.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Yay, got some new books!

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Only very lately, I've started to understand how loud sounds affect me. It's a strange combination of self-controlled loud music (yes, please) and uncontrollable, sometimes sudden, loud sounds making me very tense. I mentioned a loud stop signal in a bus yesterday.

The tensest I get is when our dog, who just turned one, starts to whine at the end of a car ride. We try to teach her that she needs to be quiet in order to get out. When she's agitated it might take a while. It's loud and I feel empathetic and get very tense. I can feel it everywhere in my body. Another example is when she repeatedly barks in a small space, such as our sauna cabin by the summer cottage. It might reverbarate in the structures, and my head.

Another type of sound that gets to me is the sound of brushing. It's physically uncomfortable, has always been. The worst is when a tractor is brushing gravel off the road after the winter. Almost makes me shudder to think about it. Always wondered why it's so uncomfortable. Now with self-diagnosed autism I get it.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Sitting in the bus after a day at work. Feeling tired. The meeting that ended the day dragged on and I stopped even trying to follow the discussion. I haven't listened to music in a bus in ages but now I find myself thinking that maybe I should buy a set of noise-canceling headphones.

The bus is hissing loudly, there are conversations that I can't hear which somehow makes them even more annoying. On top of all I'm sitting under a loudspeaker that plays the stop signal in a very loud tone. Shit, it rang again and startled me. Why does it have to be that loud?

Fortunately I'm not too far from home but still.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Regarding childish things. I just changed my phone theme and fell in love with this cute theme. For some context, I'm approaching 50, have long hair and beard, often wear band shirts.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

One reason why it took me so long to self-diagnose autism is that I thought I don't stim. In fact, once I learned that I do stim, my self-diagnosis process kicked in. That was the first time I said to myself that I might actually be autistic.

The reason for this misunderstanding was that I thought stimming is stereotypical, very repetitive, compulsory movement. I guess this misunderstanding is quite common.

I've since learned that stimming, short for self-stimulatory behavior, is basically stimulating one's sensory system in certain ways. It may be a way to soothe oneself, help to focus in overwhelming situations by feeding one's brain predictable sensory input, a way to express joy, or simply something that feels nice. Movements are part of it but any sense can be used.

When googling the term, there are mentions that also neurotypicals stim but that when diagnosing autism, stimming is somehow different -- only socially unacceptable stims are "real" stims. Bah.

I've started paying attention to how and when I stim, and collect a list of stims I do. I've noticed all types of stimming behavior (soothing, focusing, joy, fun). I do it more than before -- or maybe I just notice it more often. I've noticed that I love moving my body parts, especially to music. I also love different textures.

#ActuallyAutistic #stimming @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Someone asked whether I ever played Doom. No, not really. I told that I've never liked first person shooters and then it hit me. I never liked them as there's too much going on. In fact, I've never been a big fan of any types of shooters, the only exception being Cannon Fodder. Now, with the new-found autistic perspective, it makes perfect sense. Sensory overdrive all the time equals no fun. How about my fellow autistics, any fans of shooters?

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

I've been trying to understand what it means that an autistic brain is bombarded with so much information. We spent some time at our summer cottage and I think I got some insight in this.

Instead of seeing the lake in front of my eyes, everywhere I looked I saw a detail. Its size would vary but it would still be a detail. A swan there, its partner there, no leaves on that tree yet, what a cool pattern on the small waves, what does it look like when I move my eyes this way, or that way, a car on the opposite shore, the shadow of the tree, I wonder what seagulls those are etc. A new detail with every single glance.

At the same time my attention tried to keep track of the dog and listened to birds singing and bumblebees flying around.

Now I wonder what it feels like just to see the lake.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic