Zumbador

olena , 9 hours ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Do you guys also combine almost pathological conflict avoidance - and the brilliant talent to create a conflict out of nothing just trying to explain your point of view or to point out some factual error another person made while talking about your special interest?

I don’t defend myself, I don’t tell I don’t like something or that I see that I am being taken advantage of or being lied to, or that someone hurts me - I never raise a voice and tell that, or question them, or demand my rights and all - because I am terribly afraid on conflicts. Not even that I won’t be liked, or that there’s going to be some consequence or anything. Just a conflict itself. I’m scared even when there’s a conflict that doesn’t include me nearby, but even the shadow of an idea that something I may say may create a conflict makes me go silent, and just dodge and tolerate more, doesn’t matter how bad I feel.

But when just discussing something - I mean not something important, may be a birds name, a train route from 80-s, the way some thing works etc - any abstract staff that doesn’t correspond to my life in any way - especially when I clearly see the opponent is making the factual error or denying my actual experience with the topic - it does create a conflict, and people would say I am a conflicting person, I am the one who likes to just disagree and all.

Is that desire to avoid conflict at all costs - and the inability to actually spot when another person starts to see your discussion as a conflict - some #neurodivergent thing?
#autism
#AuDHD
#ADHD
@actuallyautistic

Zumbador , 2 hours ago

@olena @actuallyautistic

The desire to avoid conflict at all cost is, I think, a consequence of being traumatised in particular ways because of being neurodivergent. And not all neurodivergent people experience the same type of trauma, or respond to that trauma by becoming conflict avoidant, hypervigilant and people pleasers.

But I certainly have!

At the moment I'm dealing with it by opting out of any discussions that become too heated, and the consequence of that is that I'm being told I'm "Too passive" 😑🙄

AnAutieAtUni , 1 day ago to ActuallyAutistic group

ADHD assessment done. Hi 👋 I’m officially AuDHD. What the flip.

No idea how I feel about this yet. May take a few days. Feel VERY sensitive about this right now so please be kind in the replies. Not sure whether to cry, be happy, relieved, or just overwhelmed… I’ll settle for a few silent expletives and going non-speaking for a while (days?).

(P.S. Self identifying is valid. I had just realised I may as well self identify regardless of the assessment outcome, but I’m someone who needed this second opinion by a qualified clinician. My self dx’s of autism and ADHD have both proved to be accurate.)

@actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic

Zumbador , 1 day ago

@AnAutieAtUni @actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic

Not surprised you're feeling a bit rattled and vulnerable. That's a huge thing to process, even if you weren't taken by surprise.

Be extra kind and patient with yourself over the next few days. And you probably already know this, but many people have an attack of imposter syndrome just after getting an official diagnosis ("maybe I was trying to influence the outcome?") so be ready for that. It's just part of working your way through all of this stuff, a normal reaction to a confusing situation.

Zumbador , 10 hours ago

@AnAutieAtUni @actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic

It really does take time! But so interesting to discover this whole new way to understand oneself.

autism101 , 1 day ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Autistic folk often have a lot of other stuff they are dealing with. You can think of it as “Autism and…” because that is the reality for most of us.

Here is a list of “some” of the more common ones.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

Zumbador , 1 day ago

@GarryTheThird @autism101 @actuallyautistic

There are strong correlations between being autistic and having an auto immune disease

You can read about it here
https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/autism-and-health-issues?rq=Auto

chevalier26 , 2 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic How did y'all discover which parts of yourself were masking and which parts are genuine? Or, figuring out when you are masking in the moment it happens? Sometimes I feel off in certain scenarios but I can never pinpoint what is masking and what isn't. Any advice or resources would be appreciated!

Zumbador , 2 days ago

@chevalier26 @actuallyautistic

I don't find "masking" to be a helpful term, although I use it myself.

I don't think that there's a genuine me and a mask. I change depending who I'm with, and some ways of being are more painful, some feel more right. There might be multiple ways of feeling right.

This might be because I'm late realised, so I've spent decades forcing myself to behave against my nature, so some of that has become my genuine nature, like a tree forced to incorporate the wires wound around it in its shape.

Some things I have identified as harmful masking:

• Being self deprecating about my special interest.

• Conciously making myself less intense

• Pretending to agree with people when I actually don't

• Making my face and voice expressive so I don't seem angry

• Suppressing stimming

dyani , 3 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

How would you explain to someone who is neurotypical (a nice one who wants to understand) what body doubling is and why it's helpful and sometimes even necessary for overwhelming tasks?

I've had to describe this to my very lovely NT friend and my explanation sucked lol. Pls help.

@actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

Zumbador , 3 days ago

@dyani @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

I would say something like,

Body doubling is when you do something with someone else, without direct interaction. For example, both of you working on your laptops in the same room, but you're not talking to one another much, or directly helping one another, just aware what the other person is doing.

You might be doing different things (one person fixing something, one person cleaning something).

It helps because you're both creating a sense of "this is a place and time where things get done" but you don't have to spend any energy worrying about social interaction, whether you're saying the right thing, or your work being judged.

It helps with Autistic and ADHD inertia, when it can be really difficult to just start working, and to stay in the zone.

Another person just being there, doing things, makes it easier to start working too.

Zumbador , 2 days ago

@EVDHmn @dyani @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

I think they are the same, just "work" and "play" contexts.

Zumbador , 2 days ago

@dyani @wakame @emmaaum @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

Something else I don't often see mentioned, is that you probably can't successfully body double with just anyone.

I'm not sure whether it requires trust, or vibes, or what exactly, but it works better with some people than others

Zumbador , 2 days ago

@dyani @wakame @emmaaum @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

"It took going to therapy and uprooting my stressors to get rid of that and now I have less sensitivity to external demands!"

This is what I need in my life!

olena , 3 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Just realized that spending time with people I know, including - no, especially! - family, drains me out so much not because of all the activities, noise, planning and plans being neglected and all those things, but because of masking. Like, 95% of my energy goes to masking, to staying within acceptable range. Internalizing the meltdown that happened because of being overwhelmed takes more energy than actually dealing with being overwhelmed. Having plans established when I offered going without a plan, than changed, than cancelled, than uncancelled, than changed again and the day ruined is hard, but being smily and kind and attentive, and fun and creative after that is much more draining.
I know why most of us hate being observed: because if observed, we have to mask harder - so instead of doing the task itself and dedicating all of us to it, we have to use a lot of energy to constantly control the way we’re perceived to make sure the mask didn’t slip.

#AuDHD
#neurodivergent
#autistic
@actuallyautistic

Zumbador , 3 days ago

@pathfinder @olena @actuallyautistic

I'm feeling this so intensely right now.

We're visiting family, and both myself and my husband are struggling.

The family want us to enjoy ourselves, it's coming from a place of love, but family are high masking unacknowledged ND neither of us feel safe to unmask.

I'm feeling so guilty right now because yesterday was spent in an internalised anxiety spiral fighting of overwhelm during a family trip I repeatedly said I didn't want to go on. And I'm worried they think I'm sulking.

I know I could have refused point blank, but that hurts their feelings and I feel terrible about that too.

I don't think they realise how difficult they make it to "just say what you want" when you're constantly getting signals that saying no is not acceptable.

Zumbador , 2 days ago

@Susan60 @pathfinder @olena @actuallyautistic I guess there's a moment where I have to trust that people will hear what I've got to say, in good faith. If they can't, there's nothing I can do about it, but never sharing my needs, I'll never give them the chance to accept me.

niamhgarvey , 5 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Trying to pack for a #holiday with a house full of #AuDHDers is its own kind of torture.

Between everyone needing their own ritualised items they can't cope without (eg pillows, random stuff) and everyone interrupting everyone elses train of thought and therefore everyone forgetting what they are on their way to get, and then forgetting what is and isn't packed.

My brain feels as though it is actuslly wobbling on verge of explosion.

@actuallyautistic
@actuallyadhd

Zumbador , 5 days ago

@niamhgarvey @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

OMG I know this pain

DoomsdaysCW , 6 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

So, it's cool enough that I finally have the urge to put on my zippered hooded sweatshirt again. Part of my #Neurodivergence involves being comfortable with fabric against my skin -- and not having that (and having to wear short sleeve shirts) has been unbearable. That means it's way too hot for me. #ActuallyAutistic #ND #SkinSensitivity
cc: @actuallyautistic

Zumbador , 6 days ago

@moz @CatDragon @DoomsdaysCW @actuallyautistic

I'm fairly used to heat, because of living in Durban for a long time. Cape Town (where my home is now) gets hot too, but it cools down at night. Durban doesn't cool down.

I worked in a foundry when I was in Durban and it was intense. I had to learn to manage the heat as I couldn't afford to be overwhelmed all the time. I was living alone and didn't know anyone there, and had hardly any money.

Air conditioning made things worse for me. You always have to leave the air conditioned space at some time, and then the contrast is so bad the heat feels even worse.

Wearing hardly any clothes, staying out of the direct sun, not being active during the hottest parts of the day (not always possible), avoiding being in cars.

chevalier26 , 7 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic Maybe y’all can help me with this question:

Over the past few months I have really been ruminating on what “masculinity” and “femininity” even are, and those terms are mostly defined by stereotypes. Like, I know I’m a woman but I’ve always felt like “just some guy.” I’ve never had dysphoria or anything, and I have a biblical understanding of sexuality, but cultural ideas about gender make no sense to me. All of this is so confusing. Any ideas?

Zumbador , 7 days ago

@chevalier26 @actuallyautistic

Recently, there's been more recognition that both cis and trans people experience diffences in "gender valence", that is, how strongly aware we are of a gender identity.

It's a spectrum from no gender valence (agender people) to strong gender valence, where the person knows without a doubt that they are a woman, a man, nonbinary, or whatever their gender identity is.

This spectrum is not corrolated to whether you're cis or trans.

A cis person might have a weak sense of gender identity, but be perfectly willing to accept the gender assigned to them at birth. Or they might be very sure of their gender identity.

The same is true for trans people. We might be unable to say what our gender identity is and just know what we're not. Or we might have a strong sense of what we are.

You get to decide what you are. You might change over time, you might always feel uncertain. No one else can tell you what you "really" are. Move towards what gives you joy.

spika , 8 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

One of the things I find myself struggling with a lot as an autistic person with an autistic partner is how often there are moments where I do not honor my own needs or preferences because they seemingly conflict with my partner's needs and preferences, and how it feels easier to mask my discomfort than to express a different preference and potentially provoke unnecessary dysregulation and conflict.

On the rare occasion I do speak up and we try things my way and it fails miserably because it isn't his way, I get so disappointed and upset that he's unable to be as flexible as I force myself to be for him and his sensory needs, and wish we'd never tried doing it my way in the first place.

This doesn't exactly feel healthy to me, but I'm not really sure how to interpret what I feel either.

#actuallyautistic @actuallyautistic

Zumbador , 7 days ago

@spika @actuallyautistic

2/2

Part of the communication is checking that both of you know what one another's needs are, and also that both of you are aware what the other person is already doing.

For example, he might tell you that he's already accommodating you because he doesn't do x, or sometimes does y.

You might still say that's not enough, or doesn't actually help you, and that he needs to do more, but then you at least know that from his point of view, he's doing something for you. And you can acknowledge that, and say "but what I actually need is z"

Otherwise both of you get frustrated with one another, "I do so much and they don't even acknowledge it!"

Does that make sense?