olena

olena , 1 day ago to ActuallyAutistic group

We got free lunches at work: on the weekend, they send the menu, people choose between three options for each of two meals for each workday, and the food is delivered every day fresh from a restaurant nearby(not a fancy one, typical “homemade” food). If you need, they provide options for vegans or food restricting diets.

I am the only person in the office not doing that. I cannot explain to my coworkers why.
No, I don’t think the food is bad. No, I am not dieting, I am not looking for ‘something healthy’, I am not counting calories.

I am eating at work my fruit and yogurt every day, not being restricted to the time when their food arrives, and I am happy.

I can’t explain to them that I can’t carry such a commitment as decide on a weekend what to eat each day, and have to follow that. What if I don’t feel like that food? What if it’s not what I pictured in my head when ordering? What if I am not hungry? What if I get hungry earlier? And I just can’t do a full meal in the middle of a day and work after that. The meal should be at home, with some rest after it, or in the restaurant, with a good walk before and after, and good conversation during it. And I don’t want to eat a salad if it wasn’t done this very second right here because of frivolous microbiology thoughts. And anyway I prefer to cook myself, when I know perfectly well what it is, how it is done, and I balance the tastes and flavors to my own liking(I like to go to gourmet places somewhere, but it’s not an everyday experience, I doubt I’d be able to eat out every day anyway)

So, I’ve been asked again and again why wouldn’t I order something for myself, and every time I have to say ‘no, thanks’ and can’t tell why.

Apparently I am a picky eater.
#AuDHD
#autism
#neurodivergent
@actuallyautistic

olena OP , 1 day ago

@Murdoc @actuallyautistic the thing is, I’ve never considered myself a peaky eater, as they are usually pictured as someone eating only pasta all the time, I’ve thought of myself more as about a foodie, someone who enjoys good food, understands food done really well, can appreciate gourmet experiences, cooks interesting things, etc.
In social settings, I would probably eat whatever I am given(except of the food I consider spoiled - and my sensitivity to the food going funky is higher than average, and except the spicy-hot food - not spicy like ginger or black pepper, but hot like chilies, I can’t tolerate capsaicin), and may even kinda understand that in their niche this food is done well probably - I just don’t like certain things(which are mostly not ingredients per se, but the way they’re cooked), but when given, I would eat the things I don’t really like or appreciate. Probably, just because I was taught so as a kid. My mom doesn’t take it well when someone questions her cooking, so smiling and nodding, and big ‘Thank you!’ after. And more creative excuses to cook myself when I come to her place, or take her to eat out, or skip the dinner when visiting.

olena OP , 1 day ago

@DoctorDisco @actuallyautistic I also eat at my desk, so for me it’s more comfortable to just have my daily food as a series of snacks I chomp on while doing my job. Like, sliced apples, a bowl of cherries, some grapes, a pound of apricots - depends on a season - and I just pick them while writing something, and eat my yogurt or quark or cuajada while reading another document.
I tried to go to all the parties at first, tried hard to be a part of the team, to not be viewed as snobbish, masking all the way and doing it way too hard up to my husband making scenes when I come home too late - but anyway I didn’t enjoy those and was questioning myself what tf am I doing there, and somehow me being there didn’t make me less of an outcast (maybe because I don’t do alcohol), rather the opposite. So now I usually politely decline all the invites, except of the obligatory ones from the big boss to everyone which I am too afraid to deny)

olena OP , 1 day ago

@DoctorDisco @actuallyautistic that’s brilliant! In my current company, there’s (unfortunately?) no formal HR, no actual procedures, and a lot of chaos and informalities. Typical small gamedev company, if you ever encountered those)

olena OP , 1 day ago

@daf @actuallyautistic yes, you’re right, and I totally forgot that this was also an issue

olena OP , 1 day ago

@sapphireangel @cordova5029 @actuallyautistic didn’t hear about intuitive eating before. If it’s eating what feels right and when it feels right - it’s how I mostly tend to eat

olena , 1 day ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Do you guys also combine almost pathological conflict avoidance - and the brilliant talent to create a conflict out of nothing just trying to explain your point of view or to point out some factual error another person made while talking about your special interest?

I don’t defend myself, I don’t tell I don’t like something or that I see that I am being taken advantage of or being lied to, or that someone hurts me - I never raise a voice and tell that, or question them, or demand my rights and all - because I am terribly afraid on conflicts. Not even that I won’t be liked, or that there’s going to be some consequence or anything. Just a conflict itself. I’m scared even when there’s a conflict that doesn’t include me nearby, but even the shadow of an idea that something I may say may create a conflict makes me go silent, and just dodge and tolerate more, doesn’t matter how bad I feel.

But when just discussing something - I mean not something important, may be a birds name, a train route from 80-s, the way some thing works etc - any abstract staff that doesn’t correspond to my life in any way - especially when I clearly see the opponent is making the factual error or denying my actual experience with the topic - it does create a conflict, and people would say I am a conflicting person, I am the one who likes to just disagree and all.

Is that desire to avoid conflict at all costs - and the inability to actually spot when another person starts to see your discussion as a conflict - some #neurodivergent thing?
#autism
#AuDHD
#ADHD
@actuallyautistic

olena OP , 1 day ago

@twilwel @actuallyautistic I stand up for my kid, but almost never for myself. My general life response is usually either flight or play dead, not fight. But sometimes I may go full mama-bear if I think someone is hurting my kid.

olena OP , 1 day ago

@nellie_m @actuallyautistic @pathfinder I feel that sometimes people see me as arguing while I am only trying to be heard. Like, they say something, I try to say it’s not correct, I am being ignored, I try to say it differently thinking that maybe I didn’t formulate properly, or try to provide additional reasoning or proofs - but am ignored/dismissed again, so I try harder(thinking it’s my fault of not being clear snd genuinely wanting to clarify things) - only for the other person to get angry and tell me that i am always arguing

olena , 4 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

“Don’t assume, ask” - is the approach I share. However, there are many people to whom asking seems like something rude and inappropriate. And those people would assume.
The thing is, I am one of those people that usually can’t be accurately assumed: if you’d think a person that does this and this would also do that, the one who likes this and this would hate that and so on - most probably, I’d not follow that pattern. For that very reason I’ve been called ‘eclectic’, or less politely - ‘messy’, ‘illogical’, and all sorts of weird - most of my life, and for that very reason some people are kinda afraid of me: they can’t predict because their assumptions aren’t correct.
In turn, for me it’s very frustrating/confusing to see that someone is offended by me asking directly instead of assuming because all I want is to avoid any misunderstanding and clarify things.
I feel like #AuDHD is quite an eclectic thing per se(due to some #autism aspects looking from a certain point of view as opposite to those of #ADHD), so maybe that is the key to me being so, well, contradictory in eyes of other people.
I wonder, if that asking is just #autistic desire to have things clear and precise, or assuming/asking divide does not correspond to the NT/ND one
#neurodivergent
@actuallyautistic

olena OP , 4 days ago

@pathfinder @actuallyautistic that’s a character I associate with a lot, and my nickname at work - because my warnings and predictions often got dismissed as too pessimistic or overly cautious, but tend to come true

olena OP , 3 days ago

@artemis @actuallyautistic at work, one of the main things I do is mediating between two sides each of which thinks everything is absolutely clear while actually they are talking about completely different things - and describing things in a way that would allow minimum misinterpretation, and making others ask questions and answering those questions until everything is actually clear for everyone involved. Usually, if from start someone says ‘everything is clear’ - they surely got something seriously wrong.

olena OP , 2 days ago

@rebekka_m @artemis @actuallyautistic you know, first years at job I was like: no, it can’t be, I can’t be the only one participating in the discussion who sees they are talking about different thing, right? Right?

olena OP , 2 days ago

@artemis @rebekka_m @actuallyautistic and usually after that exchange both will think the other one is not very bright

olena OP , 2 days ago

@Susan60 @ScottSoCal @rebekka_m @artemis @actuallyautistic one of the most frustrating things about it for me probably is when people would make assumptions about me, guess wrong and than be offended that I would not act in a way they assumed I would, that I “am not what they thought I am”.

olena , 3 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

I don’t operate the world putting everything into defined folders and boxes of clear tree-like structure (like I do on my laptop).
I operate the world by slapping infinite amount of tags on everything (which do not exist independently like in some tag cloud, but are rather interconnected in their own ways), and then tag-filtering or pulling the chain of tags when I need.
Sure, from outside that looks like a totally random chaotic pile, but it has its own structure, just the structure is different to what is usually pictured as a structure.

I know, autists are usually pictured as the ones requiring the boxes, but is it necessarily the boxes autists crave, or other forms of structure also work?
#autistic
#autism
#AuDHD
#ADHD
#neurodivergent
@actuallyautistic

olena OP , 3 days ago

@lmgenealogy @actuallyautistic a lot of people don’t perceive the ‘tag’ system as ‘order’, only the ‘box’ one. It’s kinda like you’re being told to clean your room because it’s a mess, but for you it’s not a mess, it’s a perfectly organized working system which allows you to function optimally, and if someone ‘cleans it up’ and ‘makes it orderly’ trying to help you - you’re in despair because now it just doesn’t work and you’ve lost half of your staff

olena OP , 3 days ago

@luyin @actuallyautistic I am usually too lazy to take notes anyway(at work I am the dinosaur that hand-writes them on paper - among scribbled nonsense), but thank you, I’ll give it a try when/if I will need to write down on my device something more long-lasting than a shopping list)

olena , 4 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Just realized that spending time with people I know, including - no, especially! - family, drains me out so much not because of all the activities, noise, planning and plans being neglected and all those things, but because of masking. Like, 95% of my energy goes to masking, to staying within acceptable range. Internalizing the meltdown that happened because of being overwhelmed takes more energy than actually dealing with being overwhelmed. Having plans established when I offered going without a plan, than changed, than cancelled, than uncancelled, than changed again and the day ruined is hard, but being smily and kind and attentive, and fun and creative after that is much more draining.
I know why most of us hate being observed: because if observed, we have to mask harder - so instead of doing the task itself and dedicating all of us to it, we have to use a lot of energy to constantly control the way we’re perceived to make sure the mask didn’t slip.

#AuDHD
#neurodivergent
#autistic
@actuallyautistic

olena OP , 4 days ago

@pathfinder @actuallyautistic yes, because we care both to not hurt them and to be liked by them, and to not let them down