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olena

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Eclectic
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Too ND to actually go get diagnosed
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olena , to ActuallyAutistic group
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I don’t operate the world putting everything into defined folders and boxes of clear tree-like structure (like I do on my laptop).
I operate the world by slapping infinite amount of tags on everything (which do not exist independently like in some tag cloud, but are rather interconnected in their own ways), and then tag-filtering or pulling the chain of tags when I need.
Sure, from outside that looks like a totally random chaotic pile, but it has its own structure, just the structure is different to what is usually pictured as a structure.

I know, autists are usually pictured as the ones requiring the boxes, but is it necessarily the boxes autists crave, or other forms of structure also work?





@actuallyautistic

olena OP ,
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@lmgenealogy @actuallyautistic a lot of people don’t perceive the ‘tag’ system as ‘order’, only the ‘box’ one. It’s kinda like you’re being told to clean your room because it’s a mess, but for you it’s not a mess, it’s a perfectly organized working system which allows you to function optimally, and if someone ‘cleans it up’ and ‘makes it orderly’ trying to help you - you’re in despair because now it just doesn’t work and you’ve lost half of your staff

olena OP ,
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@luyin @actuallyautistic I am usually too lazy to take notes anyway(at work I am the dinosaur that hand-writes them on paper - among scribbled nonsense), but thank you, I’ll give it a try when/if I will need to write down on my device something more long-lasting than a shopping list)

olena , to ActuallyAutistic group
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Just realized that spending time with people I know, including - no, especially! - family, drains me out so much not because of all the activities, noise, planning and plans being neglected and all those things, but because of masking. Like, 95% of my energy goes to masking, to staying within acceptable range. Internalizing the meltdown that happened because of being overwhelmed takes more energy than actually dealing with being overwhelmed. Having plans established when I offered going without a plan, than changed, than cancelled, than uncancelled, than changed again and the day ruined is hard, but being smily and kind and attentive, and fun and creative after that is much more draining.
I know why most of us hate being observed: because if observed, we have to mask harder - so instead of doing the task itself and dedicating all of us to it, we have to use a lot of energy to constantly control the way we’re perceived to make sure the mask didn’t slip.




@actuallyautistic

olena OP ,
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@davidr @actuallyautistic I just recently realized that) when a person got out of the room where I was doing something requiring concentration, and I literally exhaled loudly.

olena OP ,
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic yes, because we care both to not hurt them and to be liked by them, and to not let them down

olena , to ActuallyAutistic group
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“Don’t assume, ask” - is the approach I share. However, there are many people to whom asking seems like something rude and inappropriate. And those people would assume.
The thing is, I am one of those people that usually can’t be accurately assumed: if you’d think a person that does this and this would also do that, the one who likes this and this would hate that and so on - most probably, I’d not follow that pattern. For that very reason I’ve been called ‘eclectic’, or less politely - ‘messy’, ‘illogical’, and all sorts of weird - most of my life, and for that very reason some people are kinda afraid of me: they can’t predict because their assumptions aren’t correct.
In turn, for me it’s very frustrating/confusing to see that someone is offended by me asking directly instead of assuming because all I want is to avoid any misunderstanding and clarify things.
I feel like is quite an eclectic thing per se(due to some aspects looking from a certain point of view as opposite to those of ), so maybe that is the key to me being so, well, contradictory in eyes of other people.
I wonder, if that asking is just desire to have things clear and precise, or assuming/asking divide does not correspond to the NT/ND one

@actuallyautistic

olena OP ,
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@pathfinder @actuallyautistic that’s a character I associate with a lot, and my nickname at work - because my warnings and predictions often got dismissed as too pessimistic or overly cautious, but tend to come true

olena OP ,
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@artemis @actuallyautistic at work, one of the main things I do is mediating between two sides each of which thinks everything is absolutely clear while actually they are talking about completely different things - and describing things in a way that would allow minimum misinterpretation, and making others ask questions and answering those questions until everything is actually clear for everyone involved. Usually, if from start someone says ‘everything is clear’ - they surely got something seriously wrong.

olena OP ,
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@rebekka_m @artemis @actuallyautistic you know, first years at job I was like: no, it can’t be, I can’t be the only one participating in the discussion who sees they are talking about different thing, right? Right?

olena OP ,
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@artemis @rebekka_m @actuallyautistic and usually after that exchange both will think the other one is not very bright

olena , to ActuallyAutistic group
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I don’t have nostalgia. I don’t miss places. I may remember them vividly, and love something about them, and hold it dear in my heart, but when I leave - I don’t want to come back.
Actually, I feel rather bad if for some reason I have to. Because the place has already changed. Because I have already changed. Because we’re out of sync now(if we ever were). Because I don’t belong. And seeing that hurts actually way more than just not returning.
Maybe it has something to do with the lack of object permanence. Maybe it is more about that autistic refusal to accept the reality which differs from expectations. Inside, I feel like a kid having a meltdown in the middle of the shopping mall because the toy they got was not 100% what they imagined it was going to be. No place is what you remember when you return after leaving. Maybe that’s the reason.

Is it something other people also experience often? Do you feel nostalgic often or refuse to get back?




@actuallyautistic

olena OP ,
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@flatchulancelot @actuallyautistic not necessarily talking about childhood here, but I get what you’re talking about. I also don’t miss my childhood at all, and never wanted to be a child again: I wanted my agency, I got my agency, I am not giving away my agency by any means!

olena , to ActuallyAutistic group
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‘I would strongly recommend going through the ADHD testing, but I am not licensed to do the test myself, so I can’t give you the official diagnosis of it as it can only be provided after the test by a licensed specialist, and there are very few ones with this narrow license. However, if you manage to get the test done, come to me with the diagnosis, I would accept it from any licensed provider, and then I would be able to provide you the treatment and the medication: though your insurance doesn’t cover the evaluation, it covers treatment.
As for the autism testing, do it if you have extra money as anyway there’s no treatment against it, and if you struggle with any particular issue - we can work on each of them on the therapy without an official autism diagnosis’ - the second psychiatrist after actually talking to me.

For the reference: depending on the provider, the testing is around 400 euro for either(I haven’t found any combined option, btw, so if I want to do both, it’d double)

Yes, there’s general free healthcare. When I asked in my health center about the psychiatrist appointment(without even specifying the goal), I was told the waiting list currently is more than an year, so they won’t even book one for me.

And people still would go “If yOu rEalLy hAd AuDHD, yoU’D hAvE aN ofFiciAl diAgnoSis”…




@actuallyautistic

olena , to ActuallyAutistic group
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Speaking of joking.
When I was young, pretty often when I wanted to make a joke, I was too embarrassed to do that personally, so instead of joking directly, I’d add “as one of my friends says…”, or “as I’ve read recently…”(obviously, there were no friend and no book, it was just some snarky comment I came up with and desperately wanted to drop). I didn’t do that with serious things, it was just a way to slip in a joke - because doing it openly felt too daring for some reason.
When I got older, I used to do it less and less often, and now (almost?) don’t do that (probably?), but I still don’t quite understand why I was: what it was actually for, why did I need, what it was supposed to solve.
Is this also some thing? Something related to RSD? Part of autistic masking? Or just my own weird thing?
@actuallyautistic

olena OP ,
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@punishmenthurts @actuallyautistic the bots take was unexpected, but hilarious, I like this point of view :meowAwauu:

olena , to ActuallyAutistic group
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Of all the avatars I’ve ever used, my favourite was made of a bit of MRI of my own brain.
Part of the satisfaction was to have long discussions with moderators saying the avatar is supposed to show the person - and arguing that the brain is actually what I am as a person, not my face.
I pretty often enjoy finding different ‘well, technically…’ loopholes, though mostly not for exploiting them, but for the sheer joy of pointing them to someone and chucking together over such a joke.
This, together with puns, together with all “imagine this and this, wouldn’t it technically be that?” type of jokes is basically my favourite genre of humor.
And my relationship with humor is kinda complicated: I love funny things, but I often don’t find pure comedies funny(while can have a good chuckle in some straight-face side jokes in some procedurals or adventures), and the main reason is I don’t find it funny when someone struggles, someone is getting hurt, someone is ridiculed or put in an awkward/cringy situation. Someone falling isn’t funny, someone failing isn’t funny, someone put in a situation when they are clearly experiencing fear, shame or disgust isn’t funny for me.
Maybe I just empathize too much: imagining myself in their place makes me want to run away, hide, stop existing, so I just can’t feel any fun there.
But give me a good chuckle with an unexpected pun, give me those “technically..” jokes, give me clever side remarks - that may be soo funny!
Basically, for me, in all the movies, books, shows:
Chuckle > laugh
Maybe it has something to so with RSD and fear to be laughed at(based on previous experiences)
Is it something common among folks? I imagine it may have something to do with and affective empathy?
What is your relationships with different kinds of humor?

@actuallyautistic

olena OP ,
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@Uair @actuallyautistic I love Pratchett’s and Adams’s humour. Also, Neal Stephenson: Cryptonomicon and Reamde were hilarious to me. I also smile a lot to those lighthearted detective stories like Thursdays Murder Club or even Jane Austen’s snarky comments on everything - all of those have something similar in their humour, which I don’t have a name for

olena OP ,
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@IanThistlethwaite @Uair @actuallyautistic yeah, Catch 22 is one of those things that make you feel like laughing, crying and fearing(that it’s too real) at the same time

olena OP ,
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@quincy @Uair @actuallyautistic loved Anathem also. Also, totally different to most of his other works(probably because of co-authoring), D.O.D.O. also made me laugh a lot(still chuckle remembering passages about Shakespear)

olena , to ActuallyAutistic group
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Just was ‘diagnosed’ with anxiety today after talking to a psychiatrist for five minutes (I’m using quotes because it seems a bit too preliminary to me to diagnose whoever with whatever after about 5 minutes of general talk).
Came asking for and evaluation. Was totally ignored on that regard) Of course, didn’t have courage to ask again.

Was it so obvious? Was I just a walking stereotype: middle-aged woman from a war-thorn country living alone who voluntarily came to a psychiatrist(doesn’t matter what else she has, she can’t NOT be anxious)?
Or is it just a general experience of most of female-passing folks: to be seen as anxious, to have most of their symptoms attributed to (not like I was asked about any symptoms, but maybe have demonstrated some?)?

@actuallyautistic

olena OP ,
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@CarolynStirling @actuallyautistic I am not saying I don’t have anxiety, I most certainly do) The thing is, that’s not what I came for, and what I came for wasn’t addressed, and I was given a diagnosis in five minutes (maybe even less), half of which was asking things needed to fill in my patient card. Imagine you came to an ophthalmologist saying you’re worried that you may have cataract or glaucoma and without any formal test, just after asking something like ‘can you see what I wrote here?’ they write ‘diagnosis: myopia’ and set an appointment for getting glasses - and never addressing or even acknowledging your concerns tell you “well, see you in two weeks”

olena OP ,
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@pa @actuallyautistic well, a doctor was a white(well, I might look whiter, but I am an immigrant with maybe about B1 level of the language we used to speak) guy that looked about my age, so probably is somewhere in 35-50, so kinda not so old - but, on the other hand, I’ve heard it’s hard to get diagnosed with either ADHD or autism here as an adult because local medical system considered them to be childhood developmental disorders till quite recently

olena OP ,
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@janisf @heartofcoyote @actuallyautistic that’s basically what I am going to do next week with a help of a local coworker as phone calls are not something I am good in even in my native language, let alone in the one I’m not that good in

olena OP ,
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@cy @heartofcoyote @actuallyautistic in my youth, I was once prescribed barbiturates+piracetam combo as a treatment of headaches (which later turned to be hormonal migraines) and faints (the best I had in diagnosis was vasovagal syncope, but might have had something to do with autistic shutdowns, eating disorders and some anatomy issues as well) by a neuropathologist. Taken how it messed me up, zero chance I’d ever take any depressants voluntarily

olena OP ,
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@CarolynStirling @Uair @cy @heartofcoyote @actuallyautistic afaik, benzos have really different consequences short-term(relatively easy to wean) and long-term(hard to wean, raised suicide rate), and are known to have more(and more serious) side effects in older people. Though, my concern with depressants is not about side effects and weaning, it’s about their direct effect. What they did with my mind is something I want to never experience again: I’d better have more anxiety than I ever had(and I had times when I couldn’t eat or sleep) than feel how I felt on depressants. No, thanks: I don’t even take alcohol because losing control of my body feels so awful - so no, I’m not giving up my consciousness voluntarily.

olena OP ,
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@cy @CarolynStirling @Uair @heartofcoyote @actuallyautistic SSRIs are antidepressants, benzos and barbiturates are depressants: pretty different effects expexted :)

olena , to ActuallyAutistic group
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Everytime I stand in front of the door and frantically search for the keys in my bag, all that makes me panic, pushes me to the verge of tears - even though it is not such a big deal because I’m not in a hurry and if anything, the concierge has a spare pair.
So, naturally, my brain tries to compensate for a possible fail - and every time I walk home, I feel almost unbeatable urge to get my keys out of my bag to my hand when I am still like 200 meters from home.
I suppose, it’s the same overcompensation mechanism that makes me come to airport at least two hours before the departure and to a train station at least an hour before, buy spares of essentials each time a bottle starts feeling not full, or always have a stocked pantry(though there may be multiple of ones and none of others as I always forget to check what I have before going to the store)

Is this exaggerated(to the point of creating problems) ‘better safe than sorry’ something people are more prone to? Do you guys also do that?
@actuallyautistic

olena OP ,
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@Twoflower @actuallyautistic checking the tickets - yesss! And after checking ten times, I still don’t feel so sure that I got the departure time and the gate right!

olena OP ,
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@Twoflower @actuallyautistic and if the right airport/train station when there are several around the city)

pathfinder , to ActuallyAutistic group
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@actuallyautistic

Autistic brains be stupid. Well, obviously not stupid, they just seem to work, or not work, in mysterious ways.

The main one that has always got me, about mine, is that I have no memory for sound, absolutely none. I can't remember a song, or a sound. I can't remember what my parents sounded like and none of my memories carry, for want of a better word, a soundtrack. I can remember what I was thinking and what others were saying, but not hearing them say it, nor any other sound. I also don't dream in sound, at least as far as I know. All my dreams are silent.

And yet, and it's a big yet. I have an excellent memory for voices and sounds. Like many autistics I have near perfect pitch, at least when I'm hearing others sing, or music playing. Just don't ask me to reproduce it, because I can't. If I meet someone I haven't met for a while, then I will almost certainly not recognise their face, or remember their name, but there is a very good chance that I will recognise them from their voice. I am also very good at detecting accents. Even the slightest hint of one in, say, an actor pretending to be an american, will get me searching Wikipedian to see if I am right about their actual nationality.

So, if I can tell the sound of a Honda CBR engine two blocks away, or a voice, or an accent buried deep, I must have the memories to compare against. And yet... nope.

So, as I said, autistic brains be stupid.


olena ,
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@pathfinder @devxvda @actuallyautistic I have a weird thing with people and faces. If you show me a series of photos, I have no issues with picking the ones belonging to the same person. But don’t ask me to recognize the person in real life - I can’t. Like, pictures and a real person are so different to me, I can’t make the connection

olena ,
@olena@mementomori.social avatar

@pathfinder @devxvda @actuallyautistic you know, just yesterday I was thinking that in a way, I don’t remember most of my life. Like, there are some details my brain occasionally reminds me(usually when something related happens), there are some memories of emotions, there are some points of shame - episodes I wish to not even remember that they happened - but I don’t actually remember what I was doing, what I was saying, what actually happened. I have some resume of my life, like some knowledge of ‘and then happened this, and after that I was doing that’ - but it’s just knowledge of some facts, I don’t actually remember myself going through all of that. I have a feeling of living for a while, a have some vague images and emotional imprints - but I am not even sure how much of that is actual memory and how much is some key-word recreation. I wonder if it’s a common experience. If not - maybe that’s exactly why it’s easy for me after going away to never come back and never feel any nostalgia. Maybe to miss something one needs to actually remember something

olena ,
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@pathfinder @devxvda @actuallyautistic as for remembering people’s images - the funny thing is, if I have seen a person once - I will know I did when I see them again(though most probably will have no idea when and where), but I always mix up and confuse people which others don’t even consider similar-looking. To me pretty often two or more people may look very alike, to the point of confusion, while others are really puzzled when I say they look alike because they see nothing in common between them. That said, I was able to tell apart the identical twins I studied with, but I could never say how, idk, they just felt differently

olena ,
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@aaronesilvers @pathfinder @bhawthorne @actuallyautistic @devxvda haven’t seen Xmen that far. Separation from my kid probably was the only one I actually felt painful. Luckily, we meet from time to time, when the uni has holidays and there are flights available for not the craziest prices.

olena ,
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@everyday_human @pathfinder @bhawthorne @actuallyautistic @devxvda and biology. They say, there’s about 2kg of simbiotic microflora living in our body, and the gut biome has been linked to our mental health among other things, so I wonder how many literal us are there actually in our consciousness

olena , to ActuallyAutistic group
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What some people don’t seem to be able to understand is that for the ones with executive disfunction number of steps matters a lot.

I just put away all my dried laundry aside of duvet cover.

Why? Because for all the other things it’s easy one-step task: grab all the knickers and shove them into the drawer, get the home clothes and put it into home clothes cube box(that cubed Ikea shelf is such a helper for people like me, I just have a cube for every thing).

But the linen shelf is at the top of the bathroom closet, and it’s almost full. So I need a stepladder to be able to put the duvet cover there(I can try to shove it there without, I kinda reach the shelf itself, but in its current state the cover is likely to fall from there, and probably with some other things, so that would upset me which I am not ready to deal with now).

But the stepladder is now occupied by my winter shoes which were drying there before I put them away for summer.
But to put them away I need to get two big boxes from under my bed, empty one by putting everything that is there into the other one, put all the shoes there, put the boxes back under the bad, ensure all the boxes there are arranged in a way that is allowing my cat to play in that labyrinth, and probably clean up after that as I suppose there’s going to be a few dust bunnies.

Gosh, I got tired by just typing all that.

Going through all those steps may bot take too much time(if I don’t get distracted by something, including the urge to sort everything perfectly), but the very thought of going through all those steps just discourages me so much that I can’t find energy to start. “It’s just one duvet cover!” - they say. “It’s a shitton of steps!” - I answer.

Well, the cover is drying in a way that obscures a view from my bed which irritates me enough to maybe develop enough anger to put it away in the weekend.





@actuallyautistic

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