Just realized that spending time with people I know, including - no, especially! - family, drains me out so much not because of all the activities, noise, planning and plans being neglected and all those things, but because of masking. Like, 95% of my energy goes to masking, to staying within acceptable range. Internalizing the meltdown that happened because of being overwhelmed takes more energy than actually dealing with being overwhelmed. Having plans established when I offered going without a plan, than changed, than cancelled, than uncancelled, than changed again and the day ruined is hard, but being smily and kind and attentive, and fun and creative after that is much more draining.
I know why most of us hate being observed: because if observed, we have to mask harder - so instead of doing the task itself and dedicating all of us to it, we have to use a lot of energy to constantly control the way we’re perceived to make sure the mask didn’t slip.
@olena@actuallyautistic
I think being around people we know and love can in fact be even more draining. Because we're even more desperate not to get things wrong.
We're visiting family, and both myself and my husband are struggling.
The family want us to enjoy ourselves, it's coming from a place of love, but family are high masking unacknowledged ND neither of us feel safe to unmask.
I'm feeling so guilty right now because yesterday was spent in an internalised anxiety spiral fighting of overwhelm during a family trip I repeatedly said I didn't want to go on. And I'm worried they think I'm sulking.
I know I could have refused point blank, but that hurts their feelings and I feel terrible about that too.
I don't think they realise how difficult they make it to "just say what you want" when you're constantly getting signals that saying no is not acceptable.
@Zumbador@pathfinder@olena@actuallyautistic yeah. "Staying in an acceptable range" hit me in a similar spot, coming from the original post. - It is getting better bit by bit with my parents though, since I openly did discuss my unmasked/real experiences [e.g. talking in very acoustically unpleasant rooms like most kitchens or situations with lots of BG noise as in loud restaurants] - and they slowly start to relate... Those talks are draining for me of course, but feel like worth it.
@Susan60@pathfinder@olena@actuallyautistic I guess there's a moment where I have to trust that people will hear what I've got to say, in good faith. If they can't, there's nothing I can do about it, but never sharing my needs, I'll never give them the chance to accept me.
@olena@actuallyautistic This is well stated and makes me wonder how much my resistance to being given advice about how to perform whatever in public rubs against my grain so hard — because maybe I’m subconsciously feeling “you have no idea what it takes just to sit here and listen to you, much less what it takes to do anything where anyone can see or interact with me”
@davidr@actuallyautistic I just recently realized that) when a person got out of the room where I was doing something requiring concentration, and I literally exhaled loudly.
@olena@davidr@actuallyautistic feel you. I recently realized that even when when I'm alone, reading comfortably in my favorite spot and then the entrance door lock is rattling or just even The Man making any noise after a longer absence in another room with closed doors/silence [like moving or doing sth in the kitchen] it makes my shoulders and neck go [just a bit!, but] tense. Up to now I can't not do this and that feels very sad.