Do you guys also combine almost pathological conflict avoidance - and the brilliant talent to create a conflict out of nothing just trying to explain your point of view or to point out some factual error another person made while talking about your special interest?
I don’t defend myself, I don’t tell I don’t like something or that I see that I am being taken advantage of or being lied to, or that someone hurts me - I never raise a voice and tell that, or question them, or demand my rights and all - because I am terribly afraid on conflicts. Not even that I won’t be liked, or that there’s going to be some consequence or anything. Just a conflict itself. I’m scared even when there’s a conflict that doesn’t include me nearby, but even the shadow of an idea that something I may say may create a conflict makes me go silent, and just dodge and tolerate more, doesn’t matter how bad I feel.
But when just discussing something - I mean not something important, may be a birds name, a train route from 80-s, the way some thing works etc - any abstract staff that doesn’t correspond to my life in any way - especially when I clearly see the opponent is making the factual error or denying my actual experience with the topic - it does create a conflict, and people would say I am a conflicting person, I am the one who likes to just disagree and all.
Is that desire to avoid conflict at all costs - and the inability to actually spot when another person starts to see your discussion as a conflict - some #neurodivergent thing? #autism #AuDHD #ADHD @actuallyautistic
@olena@actuallyautistic absolutely rings a bell. 1.avoiding conflict at almost all cost: check -this I am getting better at because it could cause problems where I didn't fend for myself enough and suffered the consequences, and 2.defending what I think is right even though it's not the time or place or person to do this with, and unwittingly creating a conflict? check! I seldom realize these things are true unless someone else -like you- phrases them first.
The desire to avoid conflict at all cost is, I think, a consequence of being traumatised in particular ways because of being neurodivergent. And not all neurodivergent people experience the same type of trauma, or respond to that trauma by becoming conflict avoidant, hypervigilant and people pleasers.
But I certainly have!
At the moment I'm dealing with it by opting out of any discussions that become too heated, and the consequence of that is that I'm being told I'm "Too passive" 😑🙄
I avoid conflicts, but because I'm afraid of my own reaction - I dig in my heels and things can escalate.
I've learned to shrug it off when someone is wrong about something (factual, not opinion). Unless they're wrong many times and keep repeating it. Then I'll tell them quietly, without anyone else around. If they're still wrong after that, I write them off as too stupid to save and ignore them.
@olena@actuallyautistic yep! For example, it's so hard to keep quiet when I know my mum is misremembering something, but I know she'll go apeshit with me for being antagonisting/undermining her if I do.
At the same time, I experience conflict, even if I'm not involved in it, as a mortal threat and go into fight or flight.
@olena@actuallyautistic
I dislike conflict of all descriptions and don't always see it coming either. There are a few things I have learnt though. Some conflicts can't be avoided and trying to do so will just make things worse. In this case, it's always best to stand up for yourself and give as good as you can.
I tend to always hedge facts with things like, "I could be wrong, but." If it then becomes clear that the other person will continue to insist that they are right, even if I know they aren't, I can just slide gracefully away. Because trying to convince someone like that, is generally a colossal waste of time. An even bigger waste of time is trying to correct someone determined to get something wrong. Always best to just stand back and enjoy the show. Even if you know that you'll be the one to clear up the mess. Although, you'll be able to do so with the maximum amount of smugness and "I told you so" implicit in every action and breath.
these people are gaslighting you. they don't respect you or care about you if they treat you like that.
having a minor disagreement, or telling someone they made a mistake, shouldn't result in abuse like this. i've had enough of it myself, i'll make peoples' lives hell on purpose if they do this to me. if i have to live in social prison for them, they can live in hell for me.
@olena@actuallyautistic Despite being on the Left Coast USA I speak really quickly specifically because of this. I have so many quantifiers and qualifiers that if someone tries to take my comments personally, they really have to be trying.
I'm not really an avoidant person though...I'm more than happy to engage in conflict if that's the order of the day, but I do try to pick and choose my battles more carefully than when I was younger.
Age has taught me that almost nothing really matters.
That second thing happens to me all the time, and my feeling is that while I was merely stating a fact (nothing to do with the person), my statement is taken as a personal insult. And I cannot see it coming because it can be anything.
I usually feel such emotional reactions say more about the upset person than me. If I was wrong, they could provide better info, but instead, they simply get angry. That’s a pretty poor argument 🙄
@nellie_m@actuallyautistic@pathfinder I feel that sometimes people see me as arguing while I am only trying to be heard. Like, they say something, I try to say it’s not correct, I am being ignored, I try to say it differently thinking that maybe I didn’t formulate properly, or try to provide additional reasoning or proofs - but am ignored/dismissed again, so I try harder(thinking it’s my fault of not being clear snd genuinely wanting to clarify things) - only for the other person to get angry and tell me that i am always arguing
I often come to the conclusion that the difference between me and most other people (presumably NT) is that I’m always eager to learn. I enjoy learning. And often, it will lead to changes in my life and behaviours.
And most people I meet IRL primarily want to feel good. And keep going. Whatever facts would challenge that are dismissed. That’s why they don’t hear you. They don’t want to learn, and they don’t want changes.
@twilwel@actuallyautistic I stand up for my kid, but almost never for myself. My general life response is usually either flight or play dead, not fight. But sometimes I may go full mama-bear if I think someone is hurting my kid.