@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

roknrol

@[email protected]

Middle aged Progressive; Formerly @roknrolzombie at the bird app. I enjoy science and music - not in than order. I complain a lot. Hopium vendors need not apply, I'll only frustrate you.

Alt-text for profile pic: me, a middle aged white hippy sporting a beard and top hat. I don't look irritating.

Reply guy, drive-by poster. Don't worry, i'll agonize over my replies more than you will.

Note: "Shut up" is less polite than "You can stop talking now", but both work.

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. View on remote instance

olena , to ActuallyAutistic group
@olena@mementomori.social avatar

Do you guys also combine almost pathological conflict avoidance - and the brilliant talent to create a conflict out of nothing just trying to explain your point of view or to point out some factual error another person made while talking about your special interest?

I don’t defend myself, I don’t tell I don’t like something or that I see that I am being taken advantage of or being lied to, or that someone hurts me - I never raise a voice and tell that, or question them, or demand my rights and all - because I am terribly afraid on conflicts. Not even that I won’t be liked, or that there’s going to be some consequence or anything. Just a conflict itself. I’m scared even when there’s a conflict that doesn’t include me nearby, but even the shadow of an idea that something I may say may create a conflict makes me go silent, and just dodge and tolerate more, doesn’t matter how bad I feel.

But when just discussing something - I mean not something important, may be a birds name, a train route from 80-s, the way some thing works etc - any abstract staff that doesn’t correspond to my life in any way - especially when I clearly see the opponent is making the factual error or denying my actual experience with the topic - it does create a conflict, and people would say I am a conflicting person, I am the one who likes to just disagree and all.

Is that desire to avoid conflict at all costs - and the inability to actually spot when another person starts to see your discussion as a conflict - some thing?



@actuallyautistic

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@olena @actuallyautistic Despite being on the Left Coast USA I speak really quickly specifically because of this. I have so many quantifiers and qualifiers that if someone tries to take my comments personally, they really have to be trying.

I'm not really an avoidant person though...I'm more than happy to engage in conflict if that's the order of the day, but I do try to pick and choose my battles more carefully than when I was younger.

Age has taught me that almost nothing really matters.

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

Autistic humans have more trouble staying asleep and falling asleep than our allistic peers.

Solid and consistent sleep is essential for our regulation.

What’s your relationship with sleep like?

@actuallyautistic

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic It's not great.

20+ years of on-call work and graveyard shifts has pretty much screwed any sort of circadian rhythm.

I don't dream, but that's probably because I almost never get more than 4 hours of sleep at a time. On the rare occasions that I have had dreams, it's usually a super rare moment where I actually SLEPT for more than a nap.

I'm not sure why my schedule is such crap, but I know that until I'm in a position to do "all the right things that I'm supposed to do" I'm hesitant to blame it on anything other than myself.

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

how do my autistic comrades combat loneliness?

@actuallyautistic

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic I more or less have learned to embrace it.

The only people I have around me are people that...I grew up learning to mask around. There aren't really any safe spaces for me anymore.

I don't LIKE being alone all of the time, but it seems like it's probably for the best.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@DoctorDisco @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic Following you because it sounds like we're a lot alike.

Besides, music styles should stick together.

niamhgarvey , to ActuallyAutistic group
@niamhgarvey@mastodon.ie avatar

Going on holiday in 2 weeks and my brain won't relax until I pack but if I pack I will run out of summer clothes for the next 2 weeks so I am now stumped about how to proceed.
@actuallyautistic
@actuallyadhd

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@niamhgarvey @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd I hate that.

autism101 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@autism101@mstdn.social avatar

Do you have any clothing routines? I own eight gray plain t-shirts with no tags which I love. I often will just wear them over and over again.

@actuallyautistic

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@autism101 @actuallyautistic Always the same jeans (Levi 501's). Once in awhile I'll have a reason to wear something different (shorts or something), but those times are rare.

Always a t-shirt of some sort, usually with a sarcastic/sardonic message on it. Since they're all snarky and anti-people there's usually not much of a decision to make.

If I'm in public I will usually wear my coat (armor) and oftentimes my hat (a distraction).

Zumbador , to ActuallyAutistic group
@Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

@actuallyautistic

Here's something that causes friction between me and my family.

Someone asks me to make a decision about something I don't have a strong preference, but they want me to have a preference.

"do you want x or y? "

Saying "I don't care" comes across as rude, and even softening it as "I don't really have a preference" or turning it back to them by saying "what do you think?" isn't appreciated. They want me to care.

I understand that they want me to choose so they don't have to do that emotional labour. That's fair. But often when I do choose (at random), they try to change my mind, and then I'm back to square one because I don't really care, and I don't want to lie!

A honest answer would be "I'm depressed, I don't want to exist. Putting on a polite face is taking up all my effort, expecting me to actually care is beyond my capacity"

But that's too heavy for most interactions.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, just writing it out.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@Zumbador @actuallyautistic I used to do this. It created a lot of problems between my wife and I.

I decided that, when two people don't have a strong preference, the best solution is for one of them to have a preference.

So for example, my wife might say, "What are you in the mood for for dinner?" which is almost guaranteed to start an "I don't care" bidding war. So, instead of fully committing I"ll toss a few options, and I'll try to rank preferences.

"We had chicken last night, so I'd prefer not that. Steaks sound good. Or maybe hamburgers. Do any of those sound good to you?"

And we can usually narrow it down that way. I've found that, sometimes, actually, I DO have a preference...and I wouldn't have bothered to check with myself otherwise.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@alicemcalicepants @Zumbador @actuallyautistic My wife is also on the spectrum and it took a good number of conversations between us before she informed me that she wouldn't ask if she had a strong preference. That was what prompted me to start having an opinion.

I probably slide more to the "emotionless" side of the spectrum, so I suppose that might be a factor.

As I've gotten older I've found that most people really don't seem to have a preference for most things, other than that they don't want to be the one to make the decision. If I really am on the fence I'll say so, but anyone that's been around me for any length of time knows that I don't keep my opinions to myself.

I can speculate a lot. Between getting burned out at my job and the heart disease, levels of stress for the last few years have really pushed me beyond my "give a fuck" limit. For me the "debate" is just way more energy than I ever feel like investing...I'll toss my opinion out there and if I get pushback...well...ok, we'll do you're thing because I really don't care.

It helps, of course, to really not care.

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

How do my comrades react to their things being misplaced or moved?

@actuallyautistic

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic With volatility.

yourautisticlife , to ActuallyAutistic group
@yourautisticlife@mast.yourautisticlife.com avatar

@actuallyautistic

I think the evidence is mounting that in some circumstances I can be rather slow to process emotions.

Sometimes it is not until the day after something happened that I get angry. During this "something" I keep a placid demeanor. This demeanor is not a strategy or a conscious decision.

Then, the next day, I realize how this very thing gives rise to emotions, often anger.

I'm wondering if it relates to alexithymia. I'm not confused about what I feel, but the feeling may get delayed.

Or maybe it is a combination of:

  • people pleasing,
  • autistic inertia,
  • alexithymia

Just thinking out lout about one of my characteristics here.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@Jobob @yourautisticlife @actuallyautistic Thank you, it's been some time, obvs - I shall correct it now

Uair , to ActuallyAutistic group
@Uair@autistics.life avatar

@actuallyautistic

1/2

I'll put out the call again. Maybe someday...

I need one person who isn't lying to me. I've never had that. Everyone I've been close to, all my family, were lying to me about who they were and who I was all my life. Now, my only source of information is the internet, and I don't trust it. I missed the memo where everyone on the internet became honest and honorable; I still see it as an unregulated wasteland of bullshit and scam artists.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@AlisonW @Uair @actuallyautistic Music?

RavenLuni , to ActuallyAutistic group
@RavenLuni@furry.engineer avatar

Anyone else find their brain's particular quirks get in the way of creative processes?
Example: trying to compose a piece of music but you fixate on a single passage and cant stop playing with it like endlessly transposing it etc. and you get completely stuck at that point as a result?
@actuallyautistic

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@RavenLuni @actuallyautistic My brain won't let me START something until I've thought through the entire process and "prepared properly". Since I don't know what proper preparation is I am usually stuck in a loop of "doing without accomplishing".

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@Mendie_Taoma @RavenLuni @actuallyautistic I think that's the crux of the problem, actually. With stuff that i know and do well it's less of an issue.

calofost , to ActuallyAutistic group
@calofost@neurodifferent.me avatar

I love sharing my struggles here and getting support. This community is so wholesome. I am in the mood for some positivity! What are good things my @actuallyautistic neuropeers are thankful for today?

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@calofost @actuallyautistic I'm thankful that the house in France is paid for and that my folks are still alive enough for me to get a reprieve from my wife.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@wakame @pathfinder @calofost @actuallyautistic When you realize the show is about Upper Management it tarnishes a little. I doubt the janitor gets to keep a pet fish.

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

What’s the biggest myth about autism that my comrades have come across in the course of their self-advocacy?

@actuallyautistic

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic I hate the "superpower" thing.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic That, and it gives the impression that even though things may be hard in some areas, they are "easier" in others which somehow is supposed to make up for the hard areas?

Like there's a scale of good/bad, skilled/unskilled, hard/easy and as long as that scale is balanced nobody has to put too much thought into things.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@n69n @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic Oh, I hate this one too.

My wife told me once, "You say that you're autistic but it's really just an excuse to act like an asshole."

We're divorcing.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@TheBreadmonkey @n69n @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic

Wow...thank you for sharing. It sounds like it may take some time for her to warm to the idea.

Impostor syndrome sucks, there's no two ways about it. I've struggled with that quite a bit too, but I've drawn the conclusion that if thinking of myself as autistic helps me determine the man that I "really" am, whether I'm autistic or not isn't actually relevant. It sounds like you've drawn similar conclusions.

On the one hand, "Why would someone pretend to be autistic? It's not like there's a prize." but by the same token people pretend to be all sorts of shit to "fit in" to a group that they want to fit in to. I see both sides of that...but I wish the people closest to us didn't rush to the shittiest conclusion when they're confronted with something confusing.

I've actually started masking more around my wife than I used to because I no longer feel safe around/with her. I don't talk a lot about my mental state or anything like that...she's made it clear that she doesn't really care outside of how it affects her (and IF it affects her, then that's a whole different set of problems). If your wife is questioning your assessment, you're probably right to pull back a bit.

I hope she's able to finally come to grips with your situation, whatever it may be. If happily married you've probably got a shot.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@farah @TheBreadmonkey @n69n @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic

Things were looking salvageable for my wife and I, but she has an unhealthy obsession with saving her 30 year old son from his own shitty choices and it's creating a LOT of problems in our relationship.

I don't want to come between her and her kid. I also don't want to be on the hook for wiping his ass for another 25 years. I want MY life back, goddammit.

I hope you and yours can work it out. Sometime ignorance is just ignorance and is completely fixable. Counseling probably could have worked for my wife and I had she been interested...it might be worthwhile.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@Starbrother @n69n @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic OMG yes! My last boss thought it was amusing for about a day.

mariyadelano , to ActuallyAutistic group
@mariyadelano@hachyderm.io avatar

Question for fellow @actuallyautistic and @actuallyadhd neurodivergent folks:

How do you explain your ideas to neurotypicals?

I constantly struggle because my brain has made connections that are not obvious to others, and when I try to guide them through my thinking I confuse them with details or by skipping explanations that seem obvious to me but completely surprising to anyone else.

Frameworks, links, anything is appreciated!

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@mariyadelano @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

I usually don't give an explanation for anything that I do, although I always have 3 reasons (minimum) before doing a thing.

If I need help from someone, I ask them directly for what I need with as few details as possible, and answer follow ups.

Beyond that? Other people do other people things...I do things that I want to do.

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

How do my comrades know when they’ve “peopled” too much ?

@actuallyautistic

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic Generally speaking, I know because there are people around.

If I'm forced to submit to their company, I will generally just be quiet unless I have something pithy or relevant to say. I smoke a lot, so leaving the room is a good way to buy some sanity.

My patience, thin at the best of times, turns me into someone that just does not give a fuck how his words land. I hurt feelings, which isn't fun or pleasant for anyone and prompts me to just keep my distance more.

I know how mean I can be. Few people deserve that.

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

We need to talk more about mental health in the community.

What topics specifically should be addressed more openly?

@actuallyautistic

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic Solutions to the expense of getting help.

Depression and suicide are good...it's hard to have candid conversations without people freaking out.

Communicating with people who suffer from addiction would be another.

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

We often run into miscommunication issues, not just with allistics, but also other comrades.

What barriers do you face in communications?

@actuallyautistic

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic Im usually too blunt with NTs which puts them off.

No matter how I try to phrase things, my impatience inevitably gets the better of me.

I'm good at thinking about other people, but not at asking them how they're doing or actually providing the right kind of support. It is very uncomfortable for me. I'm not a stellar listener (I think that's why I prefer text...it's easier for me to parse).

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@hanscees @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic I always struggle with dealing with managers and bosses because of the terminal, "I don't have time for this shit" that I get from them. That makes me want to be as "to the point" as I can get, but if you're not willing to dress it up in corporate speak they aren't sure what to do.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@hanscees @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic I'm disabled/retired now, so it's not really a problem for me at this point.

Now if I'm dealing with a manager it's because I paid money to bitch 😆

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

What does “unmasking” mean to my comrades?

@actuallyautistic

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@calofost @Jobob @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic

I wear a beard because my wife says my cheekbones make me look too harsh. I wear glasses because my eyes suck, but I don't wear contacts because I rarely blink which I'm told is off-puting.

I carry myself as a "bigger" person, and I know that that's a mask. It keeps NT bro-dudes from fucking with me most of the time just because I'm a borderline unknown quantity.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic

<grumpy face>

I don't know.

As I've gotten older my patience for putting on an obvious mask has worn thin. I've gotten grumpy.

Some of that is more directly mental health related, I'm sure, and while that's certainly a mask being dropped, I kind of feel like there are a lot of them, insidiously buried in my psyche.

I liked the post from @E_Briannica but even then, I'm not even sure what "alone" means anymore.

I've always got low-level paranoia...inside, outside, closed empty room...doesn't matter.

Behaving how I behave around my pets is probably as close as I get, and I'm certain I'm still carrying a mask, even if they don't give a shit.

The pending move to France should be a real boon for finding myself and, maybe, finding out how to answer your question.

pathfinder , to ActuallyAutistic group
@pathfinder@beige.party avatar

@actuallyautistic

Much to my shock I realised that I could be autistic when I was 53, roughly 7 years ago. And it was a shock, even though I suspect a very small, well hidden and very much ignored part of me, might have suspected. No one told me about it, or suggested that it might be the case. I did not see myself in relatives, the way so many of us do. I just happened to come across an autism test online and for no particular reason, took it.

It was that, that started me on my path to realising and finally accepting the truth that I was autistic. But, looking back, I sometimes find it hard to understand how I didn't know earlier. So much of my life now, just screams autism at me. But even ignoring the horribly ableist and medieval view I had of what autism was, the main reason why I didn't was probably because I could mask, both from myself and others, so well.

It was, I realise now, a life lived in denial. A denial of how much things bothered me, how much effort I had to put into things. Even a denial of the things I knew I couldn't do. Because this is the thing about appearing to mask so well, for so long. It is, in a sense, a lie. I couldn't mask well, if at all. Not all the time. Not in all situations or circumstances. There were things I just couldn't cope with, or even begin to deal with. But the trick was, that I either knew about them, or learnt the hard way about them and then I could manage my life to avoid them. Because they were things I could live without, without affecting how I appeared to be coping. Things that didn't affect the way I lived, even if they did affect my sense of worth. Because, how broken did you have to be, not to be able to go to crowded events, like a sports match, or a concert? Or to be able to deal with the socialising of a large gathering, or a family event, without having to hide in the kitchen, or forever outside, or break down in a toilet?

It was all part of how I masked myself from myself. The internal masking, as I like to call it. If I couldn't cope, then I was broken. If I couldn't stand something, then I was too picky, or sensitive, or I simply needed to learn to ignore it. And somehow I did learn. I learnt how to cope with noise and smell and visual overwhelm. I learnt to not let things bother me. To a point at least. There was always a step too far, when I couldn't, or didn't have the energy any more to maintain it. And this did take energy, a lot of it. Something I've only realising now that I don't have the energy to spare to even try it. Or the ability to, in many respects now that I know what I was trying so desperately to hide from.

Because when the truth is known, it's far harder to deny it. It's far harder to live the life where appearing to cope, is as good as coping. Where blaming yourself, is easier than seeing others faults. Where ignoring the pain, makes the pain go away. It's hard to see the mask as a benefit and always a good thing, rather than the shield and tool it always was.


roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@TheBreadmonkey @pathfinder @actuallyautistic Perhaps what helps me may help you.

I have not officially been diagnosed.

But i still get a lot from the community, and so much seems to ring true it's difficult for me to consider myself neurotypical now, even if i mask well. And if i become a better version of me through my interactions and understandings, it really doesnt matter if i'm actually autistic or not.

It also helps if you replace the word 'broken' with 'different'.

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

Our emotions tell us a lot about what’s happening in our lives.

Because of people telling us that we emote wrong and alexithymia, however, we lose touch with them. Then we get bullied for being “emotionless”

How do you get in touch with your emotions?

@actuallyautistic

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@theautisticcoach @AutisticMumTo3 @actuallyautistic

<raises hand> That would be me that you're talking about.

As far as "getting in touch" goes, probably music is as close as I can get, but it's still a long way off.

I was thinking about this the other day actually (didn't see your post) in the context of not feeling like I've ever truly had a safe space.

Yes, I know how stupid that sounds coming from a middle-aged white cis/het person, but it is what it is.

(the internet is basically never a safe space, so don't start 😜 )

LehtoriTuomo , to ActuallyAutistic group
@LehtoriTuomo@mementomori.social avatar

Someone asked whether I ever played Doom. No, not really. I told that I've never liked first person shooters and then it hit me. I never liked them as there's too much going on. In fact, I've never been a big fan of any types of shooters, the only exception being Cannon Fodder. Now, with the new-found autistic perspective, it makes perfect sense. Sensory overdrive all the time equals no fun. How about my fellow autistics, any fans of shooters?

@actuallyautistic

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic Not really. I've played a few and they're ok, but I don't really enjoy them much. I'm ok with 1st person if they're survival type games though (7 Days to Die for example).

sebwhatever , to ActuallyAutistic group
@sebwhatever@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic tell me you are without telling me you are autistic.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@sebwhatever @actuallyautistic The most exciting thing to happen to me in the last month is that I got 9 pairs of identical socks.

pathfinder , to ActuallyAutistic group
@pathfinder@beige.party avatar

@actuallyautistic

Autistic brains be stupid. Well, obviously not stupid, they just seem to work, or not work, in mysterious ways.

The main one that has always got me, about mine, is that I have no memory for sound, absolutely none. I can't remember a song, or a sound. I can't remember what my parents sounded like and none of my memories carry, for want of a better word, a soundtrack. I can remember what I was thinking and what others were saying, but not hearing them say it, nor any other sound. I also don't dream in sound, at least as far as I know. All my dreams are silent.

And yet, and it's a big yet. I have an excellent memory for voices and sounds. Like many autistics I have near perfect pitch, at least when I'm hearing others sing, or music playing. Just don't ask me to reproduce it, because I can't. If I meet someone I haven't met for a while, then I will almost certainly not recognise their face, or remember their name, but there is a very good chance that I will recognise them from their voice. I am also very good at detecting accents. Even the slightest hint of one in, say, an actor pretending to be an american, will get me searching Wikipedian to see if I am right about their actual nationality.

So, if I can tell the sound of a Honda CBR engine two blocks away, or a voice, or an accent buried deep, I must have the memories to compare against. And yet... nope.

So, as I said, autistic brains be stupid.


roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@olena @pathfinder @devxvda @actuallyautistic This is absolutely me. I don't remember much of anything before I was about 12 years old, and most of the "memories" that I have are stories that my family members have repeated over and over...not MY memories, but descriptions of theirs.

On the other hand, I can remember certain events with fantastic clarity. I have been asked to write reports on events that I've witnessed and I've been told, later when they've reviewed video footage, that my memory seemed to be the most reliable.

I tend to not forget "important" things (although I have been bit before). I would probably make a good executive assistant if I enjoyed talking on the phone and kissing ass.

As I've gotten older though I've started remembering more. Like you, I may get a random emotional reaction or a visual cue and later, when I'm thinking about it, I can sometimes focus on that cue and remember a whole lot more. So far it's been a pleasant exploration, if a bit slow and inconsistent.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@hellomiakoda @pathfinder @actuallyautistic Probably
https://youtu.be/H1KP4ztKK0A

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@woozle @pathfinder @actuallyautistic I have a very difficult time with dual processing. If my brain is to work i cant have other distractions.

Like, i can pick out the drums or the bass and kind of tune out the rest, or i can listen to the song as a whole, but i cant think about one song while another is playing (or even skip ahead).

I suppose practice may help.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@woozle @pathfinder @actuallyautistic Conversely, regardless of what i'm doing i seem to be acutely aware of what is happening in my environment.

I think that's a trauma response though.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@woozle @pathfinder @actuallyautistic That is much easier, granted 🤣

https://youtu.be/uxC1fPE1QEE

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@woozle @pathfinder @actuallyautistic Nope, pretty sure that's absent.

Believe me that i hear it everywhere now though lol

JeremyMallin , to ActuallyAutistic group
@JeremyMallin@autistics.life avatar

What do frequently cracking joints have to do with Autism and how do I make it stop? 😭

@actuallyautistic

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@JeremyMallin @actuallyautistic

I think this answers the question of the connection betwixt the two, but it does not seem to explain how to stop it.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6292952/

AnAutieAtUni , to ActuallyAutistic group
@AnAutieAtUni@neurodifferent.me avatar

Just got back from visiting an event at my uni that was held in a building’s atrium.

It was hot, bright, crowded, full of anxious students and just Too Much. I’ve been back an hour and I still haven’t calmed down and got the overload out of my system.

It was just a fraction of the size that my traditional graduation ceremony will be in July. It will be held in a similar but much larger building with many, many more people, masses more sound and noises and movement and chaos.

I’ve never been so relieved to wait 25 years to REJECT a dream: since my teens I dreamed of graduating by walking across a stage… and I’m so fcking relieved to have opted to Graduate In Abstentia. I am a genius. Thank f** for that.

Side note: my university were going to try to hold a quieter version of the traditional graduation event just like the one that made the UK news: Relaxed Graduations at Nottingham Trent University. There was a lot of positive movement in the second half of last year. I heard they’d definitely do it for the winter graduations (just gone), and someone else said they’re definitely doing it this summer. But now, I think they actually haven’t done anything more. So glad I wasn’t waiting and depending on that. I’d be devastated. Many staff also wanted this - many also have disabilities and/or are neurodivergent. So it’s a let-down for everyone.

@actuallyautistic

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic I always found the ceremony part of stuff like that to be really really stupid.

Give me the piece of paper that proves I learned my shit and let me get on with my life.

Like you, it takes me forever to unwind after stuff like that. It felt like going to a corporate party where you're expected to have fun, but not TOO much fun.

Smart move to go absentia...that's exactly how I prefer to participate in such events.

LehtoriTuomo , to ActuallyAutistic group
@LehtoriTuomo@mementomori.social avatar

I've been trying to understand what it means that an autistic brain is bombarded with so much information. We spent some time at our summer cottage and I think I got some insight in this.

Instead of seeing the lake in front of my eyes, everywhere I looked I saw a detail. Its size would vary but it would still be a detail. A swan there, its partner there, no leaves on that tree yet, what a cool pattern on the small waves, what does it look like when I move my eyes this way, or that way, a car on the opposite shore, the shadow of the tree, I wonder what seagulls those are etc. A new detail with every single glance.

At the same time my attention tried to keep track of the dog and listened to birds singing and bumblebees flying around.

Now I wonder what it feels like just to see the lake.

@actuallyautistic

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@melindrea @LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic

"Apparently allistic people start by creating the main figure, and then add the various bits!"

Wait, wut? What in the hell is wrong with them? That makes no sense whatsoever.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@Zumbador @melindrea @LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic Right, and that makes sense when you're not drawing geometric patterns.

Then again, I have been taught drawing, so how much of that is an actual "learned behavior" instead of...you know...what a person would normally do, unprompted?

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@alexisbushnell @Zumbador @melindrea @LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic This sounds so much like me.

I used to try to write a lot...I can see the value of an outline, but the act of writing the outline is basically writing the story. I've more or less learned to skip the outline and just do full drafts (which I end up having to rewrite multiple times because...shocker...no outline).

It's a barrier I wish I could overcome (and I do continue to try).

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@wakame @jacquiharper @alexisbushnell @Zumbador @melindrea @LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic It can be difficult to remember that for every overprepared Tolkien there's a Douglas Adams fighting to ignore a deadline.

Dr_Obvious , to ActuallyAutistic group German

@actuallyautistic
I am in the mood to spam some thoughts

You know that metaphor that neurotypical people are running windows and autists linux. I want to expand on that.

If you are a person that is "not looking autistic" people say often something like okay, but you have like the mild version.

I think it's because they only look at how big the differences are they are noting. They don't see where you are coming from.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@punishmenthurts @Dr_Obvious @Lipidolith @actuallyautistic Learning has gotten a little harder as I've gotten older, but I can still learn things. Verdict is still out on improvisation, but I used to be pretty decent at improvising on stage.

roknrol ,
@roknrol@neurodifferent.me avatar

@punishmenthurts @Dr_Obvious @Lipidolith @actuallyautistic Ah, that I have very little experience in, not really having had a place to practice for the last 20 years.

I did take a music theory class a few years ago at the community college...it would have done me more good if I could have practiced an instrument while going through it, but I learned a LOT about what makes or doesn't make music work. Not just terms, which are important for me to learn more, but actual real things that you can hear in real music.

It has helped me broaden the styles that I listen to as well...been really enlightening.

The reason that I'm hopeful for the improvisation stuff is that when I let my brain just brain and I don't have any distractions, I hear music. But the music that I hear isn't music that I've heard, as far as I know, so I'm quite eager to explore that whole thing.

Didn't really think about whether my fingers will do what they're told, but I guess if I have problems with that I'll become a DJ.

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