olena

olena , 6 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Just realized that spending time with people I know, including - no, especially! - family, drains me out so much not because of all the activities, noise, planning and plans being neglected and all those things, but because of masking. Like, 95% of my energy goes to masking, to staying within acceptable range. Internalizing the meltdown that happened because of being overwhelmed takes more energy than actually dealing with being overwhelmed. Having plans established when I offered going without a plan, than changed, than cancelled, than uncancelled, than changed again and the day ruined is hard, but being smily and kind and attentive, and fun and creative after that is much more draining.
I know why most of us hate being observed: because if observed, we have to mask harder - so instead of doing the task itself and dedicating all of us to it, we have to use a lot of energy to constantly control the way we’re perceived to make sure the mask didn’t slip.

#AuDHD
#neurodivergent
#autistic
@actuallyautistic

olena OP , 6 days ago

@davidr @actuallyautistic I just recently realized that) when a person got out of the room where I was doing something requiring concentration, and I literally exhaled loudly.

olena , 16 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

I don’t have nostalgia. I don’t miss places. I may remember them vividly, and love something about them, and hold it dear in my heart, but when I leave - I don’t want to come back.
Actually, I feel rather bad if for some reason I have to. Because the place has already changed. Because I have already changed. Because we’re out of sync now(if we ever were). Because I don’t belong. And seeing that hurts actually way more than just not returning.
Maybe it has something to do with the lack of object permanence. Maybe it is more about that autistic refusal to accept the reality which differs from expectations. Inside, I feel like a kid having a meltdown in the middle of the shopping mall because the toy they got was not 100% what they imagined it was going to be. No place is what you remember when you return after leaving. Maybe that’s the reason.

Is it something other #neurodivergent people also experience often? Do you feel nostalgic often or refuse to get back?

#AuDHD
#autistic
#autism
@actuallyautistic

olena OP , 16 days ago

@flatchulancelot @actuallyautistic not necessarily talking about childhood here, but I get what you’re talking about. I also don’t miss my childhood at all, and never wanted to be a child again: I wanted my agency, I got my agency, I am not giving away my agency by any means!

olena , 21 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Speaking of joking.
When I was young, pretty often when I wanted to make a joke, I was too embarrassed to do that personally, so instead of joking directly, I’d add “as one of my friends says…”, or “as I’ve read recently…”(obviously, there were no friend and no book, it was just some snarky comment I came up with and desperately wanted to drop). I didn’t do that with serious things, it was just a way to slip in a joke - because doing it openly felt too daring for some reason.
When I got older, I used to do it less and less often, and now (almost?) don’t do that (probably?), but I still don’t quite understand why I was: what it was actually for, why did I need, what it was supposed to solve.
Is this also some #neurodivergent thing? Something related to RSD? Part of autistic masking? Or just my own weird thing?
@actuallyautistic

olena OP , 21 days ago

@punishmenthurts @actuallyautistic the bots take was unexpected, but hilarious, I like this point of view :meowAwauu:

olena , 22 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Of all the avatars I’ve ever used, my favourite was made of a bit of MRI of my own brain.
Part of the satisfaction was to have long discussions with moderators saying the avatar is supposed to show the person - and arguing that the brain is actually what I am as a person, not my face.
I pretty often enjoy finding different ‘well, technically…’ loopholes, though mostly not for exploiting them, but for the sheer joy of pointing them to someone and chucking together over such a joke.
This, together with puns, together with all “imagine this and this, wouldn’t it technically be that?” type of jokes is basically my favourite genre of humor.
And my relationship with humor is kinda complicated: I love funny things, but I often don’t find pure comedies funny(while can have a good chuckle in some straight-face side jokes in some procedurals or adventures), and the main reason is I don’t find it funny when someone struggles, someone is getting hurt, someone is ridiculed or put in an awkward/cringy situation. Someone falling isn’t funny, someone failing isn’t funny, someone put in a situation when they are clearly experiencing fear, shame or disgust isn’t funny for me.
Maybe I just empathize too much: imagining myself in their place makes me want to run away, hide, stop existing, so I just can’t feel any fun there.
But give me a good chuckle with an unexpected pun, give me those “technically..” jokes, give me clever side remarks - that may be soo funny!
Basically, for me, in all the movies, books, shows:
Chuckle > laugh
Maybe it has something to so with RSD and fear to be laughed at(based on previous experiences)
Is it something common among #neurodivergent folks? I imagine it may have something to do with #autism and affective empathy?
What is your relationships with different kinds of humor?

@actuallyautistic

olena OP , 22 days ago

@Uair @actuallyautistic I love Pratchett’s and Adams’s humour. Also, Neal Stephenson: Cryptonomicon and Reamde were hilarious to me. I also smile a lot to those lighthearted detective stories like Thursdays Murder Club or even Jane Austen’s snarky comments on everything - all of those have something similar in their humour, which I don’t have a name for

olena OP , 22 days ago

@IanThistlethwaite @Uair @actuallyautistic yeah, Catch 22 is one of those things that make you feel like laughing, crying and fearing(that it’s too real) at the same time

olena OP , 22 days ago

@quincy @Uair @actuallyautistic loved Anathem also. Also, totally different to most of his other works(probably because of co-authoring), D.O.D.O. also made me laugh a lot(still chuckle remembering passages about Shakespear)

olena , 22 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Just was ‘diagnosed’ with anxiety today after talking to a psychiatrist for five minutes (I’m using quotes because it seems a bit too preliminary to me to diagnose whoever with whatever after about 5 minutes of general talk).
Came asking for #ADHD and #autism evaluation. Was totally ignored on that regard) Of course, didn’t have courage to ask again.

Was it so obvious? Was I just a walking stereotype: middle-aged woman from a war-thorn country living alone who voluntarily came to a psychiatrist(doesn’t matter what else she has, she can’t NOT be anxious)?
Or is it just a general experience of most of #AuDHD female-passing folks: to be seen as anxious, to have most of their symptoms attributed to #anxiety (not like I was asked about any symptoms, but maybe have demonstrated some?)?

@actuallyautistic

olena OP , 22 days ago

@CarolynStirling @actuallyautistic I am not saying I don’t have anxiety, I most certainly do) The thing is, that’s not what I came for, and what I came for wasn’t addressed, and I was given a diagnosis in five minutes (maybe even less), half of which was asking things needed to fill in my patient card. Imagine you came to an ophthalmologist saying you’re worried that you may have cataract or glaucoma and without any formal test, just after asking something like ‘can you see what I wrote here?’ they write ‘diagnosis: myopia’ and set an appointment for getting glasses - and never addressing or even acknowledging your concerns tell you “well, see you in two weeks”

olena OP , 22 days ago

@pa @actuallyautistic well, a doctor was a white(well, I might look whiter, but I am an immigrant with maybe about B1 level of the language we used to speak) guy that looked about my age, so probably is somewhere in 35-50, so kinda not so old - but, on the other hand, I’ve heard it’s hard to get diagnosed with either ADHD or autism here as an adult because local medical system considered them to be childhood developmental disorders till quite recently

olena OP , 22 days ago

@janisf @heartofcoyote @actuallyautistic that’s basically what I am going to do next week with a help of a local coworker as phone calls are not something I am good in even in my native language, let alone in the one I’m not that good in

olena OP , 22 days ago

@cy @heartofcoyote @actuallyautistic in my youth, I was once prescribed barbiturates+piracetam combo as a treatment of headaches (which later turned to be hormonal migraines) and faints (the best I had in diagnosis was vasovagal syncope, but might have had something to do with autistic shutdowns, eating disorders and some anatomy issues as well) by a neuropathologist. Taken how it messed me up, zero chance I’d ever take any depressants voluntarily

olena OP , 22 days ago

@CarolynStirling @Uair @cy @heartofcoyote @actuallyautistic afaik, benzos have really different consequences short-term(relatively easy to wean) and long-term(hard to wean, raised suicide rate), and are known to have more(and more serious) side effects in older people. Though, my concern with depressants is not about side effects and weaning, it’s about their direct effect. What they did with my mind is something I want to never experience again: I’d better have more anxiety than I ever had(and I had times when I couldn’t eat or sleep) than feel how I felt on depressants. No, thanks: I don’t even take alcohol because losing control of my body feels so awful - so no, I’m not giving up my consciousness voluntarily.

olena OP , 22 days ago

@cy @CarolynStirling @Uair @heartofcoyote @actuallyautistic SSRIs are antidepressants, benzos and barbiturates are depressants: pretty different effects expexted :)

olena , 27 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Everytime I stand in front of the door and frantically search for the keys in my bag, all that #anxiety makes me panic, pushes me to the verge of tears - even though it is not such a big deal because I’m not in a hurry and if anything, the concierge has a spare pair.
So, naturally, my #autistic brain tries to compensate for a possible #ADHD fail - and every time I walk home, I feel almost unbeatable urge to get my keys out of my bag to my hand when I am still like 200 meters from home.
I suppose, it’s the same overcompensation mechanism that makes me come to airport at least two hours before the departure and to a train station at least an hour before, buy spares of essentials each time a bottle starts feeling not full, or always have a stocked pantry(though there may be multiple of ones and none of others as I always forget to check what I have before going to the store)

Is this exaggerated(to the point of creating problems) ‘better safe than sorry’ something #AuDHD people are more prone to? Do you guys also do that?
@actuallyautistic

olena OP , 27 days ago

@Twoflower @actuallyautistic checking the tickets - yesss! And after checking ten times, I still don’t feel so sure that I got the departure time and the gate right!

olena OP , 27 days ago

@Twoflower @actuallyautistic and if the right airport/train station when there are several around the city)

pathfinder , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

Autistic brains be stupid. Well, obviously not stupid, they just seem to work, or not work, in mysterious ways.

The main one that has always got me, about mine, is that I have no memory for sound, absolutely none. I can't remember a song, or a sound. I can't remember what my parents sounded like and none of my memories carry, for want of a better word, a soundtrack. I can remember what I was thinking and what others were saying, but not hearing them say it, nor any other sound. I also don't dream in sound, at least as far as I know. All my dreams are silent.

And yet, and it's a big yet. I have an excellent memory for voices and sounds. Like many autistics I have near perfect pitch, at least when I'm hearing others sing, or music playing. Just don't ask me to reproduce it, because I can't. If I meet someone I haven't met for a while, then I will almost certainly not recognise their face, or remember their name, but there is a very good chance that I will recognise them from their voice. I am also very good at detecting accents. Even the slightest hint of one in, say, an actor pretending to be an american, will get me searching Wikipedian to see if I am right about their actual nationality.

So, if I can tell the sound of a Honda CBR engine two blocks away, or a voice, or an accent buried deep, I must have the memories to compare against. And yet... nope.

So, as I said, autistic brains be stupid.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

olena , 1 month ago

@everyday_human @pathfinder @bhawthorne @actuallyautistic @devxvda and biology. They say, there’s about 2kg of simbiotic microflora living in our body, and the gut biome has been linked to our mental health among other things, so I wonder how many literal us are there actually in our consciousness