I don't have the spoons to explain why I feel my neurodivergence is making this worse, but I need feedback or insight from other ND people on a unique experience. This will be a long thread (added in replies) but I'm hopeful there will be a few kind readers who either relate or have something supportive to share.
Here goes:
1/ @actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd #recoveringfromreligion #LateDiagnosedAutism #actuallyautistic#neurodivergent
@Ilovechai@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd
So for me it’s been very similar and I am trying to get out there and socialize more. I am trying to still treat each as individuals and not as a group and get to know people slowly. Most of them will unlikely be deep friends, but most are nice to hang with, chat with, do art with. I am not looking for friends, but I am looking to be fully myself, no dimming, in community and see what happens.
My own social experiment. It’s been interesting.
@JoBlakely@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd
Wonderful experiment. I think the years of the high demand religion had me socializing far beyond my limits #masking quiet, thoughtful, sincere spaces are what I'm prioritizing. I used to be in a book club and loved it.. haven't found a replacement after a move. Are you journaling your journey? I am all for no dimming ✨️✨️✨️
@Ilovechai@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd maybe I should journal it. I go to the dog park. Mainly for a walk, fresh air, & dogs. It’s good for my mental health. Keeps me joyous. Some people are plain awful, & others just really lovely. It’s my schedule when I want to go. I go to an art club too. We have art in common, but that’s it. I’m taking it slow. I’m good on my own, pleasant convos nice, friends & real connections developing would be bonus. But I’m very picky who I get close to.
@JoBlakely@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd
no shoulds. I would just be interested in hearing what you're finding. I think it's lovely what is lifting your spirits and feeling comfortable for you. I'm coming off a recent disappointment and know what you mean by some people are awful. Diamonds in the rough are definitely rare.
@JoBlakely@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd Gorgeous! I'm coming to similar spaces but from the opposite end of things. I overextended myself, masked in a very extroverted way & have learned how to check inward before extending myself; instead of the codependent, people pleasing, happy face coping I did for so long. It's still uncomfortable, but in a new way. Before, I got a lot of attention but was never known. Now it's a little lonelier, special few know me well & I'm at home in my own skin.
Thanks again for all those who have been so considerate and responded to this thread. It makes me curious if there's a discord space where you hang out? Those who offered DMs ...I'd be open to it, and it's also more comfortable for me to respond than initiate, or to chat in a more private space regularly before doing one-on-one (at least for me). So, if such a server exists, do share (either in DM or comments) 😉🙏🏻
@arisummerland@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd
Thx. I looked and funnily enough I joined it in April, but didn't remember till check. I guess I'll try doing more than reacting to posts. 🫢
@Ilovechai@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd oufff sounds rough! I've never been in the situation to leave those type of religious systems as my parents are U-boat Christians (only show up 1-2 a year) and I've been consciously atheistic since my teens but I do relate to feeling lack of a RL support system. For me the nerd space has been the best (TTRPGs, Magic, comics, boardgames etc) & I think is disproportionately filled with other ND peeps. There are people with similar social needs out there!
@Ilovechai@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd I’m so sorry this is happening. I’m super biased against religion. I belonged to my church’s youth group as a teen so I’m a bit familiar with that
Navigating community conflicts like those seem REALLY tough for us, i guess bc of the overlapping details. I’ve been trying to find/join/glom onto communities recently & I try to go in with zero expectations & 💯 self compassion, and I’m finding slow success in bits
I can’t relate to losing a support system like that but I can relate to not having one despite wanting to… because I always wanted a supportive group of people to belong to but never found one. What happens is that I’m always there for anyone who needs me, and no one ever is for me, when I need something.
I feel like a lot of neurotypical relationships (especially larger groups) have transactions which are either impossible or very taxing for us. In other words, we are never able to receive any support from these so called “support systems”, we just give.
Personally, I’m trying to be at peace with the fact that I will never belong to a large, consistent group of people because while I have many things to add to such a group no matter what brand they gathered under, no group has what I need.
@CynAq I relate so much to what you have written. In the last few months I went through a cancer journey and everywhere I read/heard “your support system is going to help you“ assuming everyone has one, like everyone I met assured that I have a licence and so I can go to my appointments.
But I don’t have a support group in person, except for the amazing health professionals who took care of me. The only support group I have is here in the autistic community. ❤️
@CynAq It's such a strange thing. Even when they give, it's on their terms. It's not giving for giving's sake, as we do. I never felt seen, until I met my OH. We're both uncomfortable with taking. Must be conditioning, as well as our autism. @Ilovechai@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd
Nod. My partner seems to be the only reciprocal source so far and I'm so grateful 🙏🏻 I also know I'm my best when there's at least one other social anchor in my life since I have more need to connect.
@Ilovechai I have ND children & DiL, and grandchildren, which completes the circle. Yes, we have differences, but we have the ASD/AuDHD/ADHD as our connection...Monotropism predominating.🤓😃@CynAq@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd
@CynAq@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd
100% relatable.
I'm truly hoping to land in a place of more contentment and acceptance as you have... I'm a strange mix of needing a lot of downtime and deep connections.. it's a complex balance I am still navigating and working to identify for myself.
@Ilovechai@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd I started going to the dog park, tho I have no dog, for my mental health. Dog owners get it & are supportive. I went for the dogs, but met some people who I am slowly getting to know. I am finding as I chat, share my pov, laugh, & talk about some of these things they have also shared with me some of their stories. It made me realize so many are just broken & shattered & feeling the same struggle. It’s free. And if nothing else…dogs & fresh air.
@Ilovechai@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd it has been interesting to see some of these women who feel they relate to me, when I say I self dx’d autistic, and how my autism affects how I think about whatever social construct we happen to be talking about, wonder aloud if they might be too.
I used to love going to the dog park. It's easy to talk to dog people, all you have to do is be interested in their dog. No social awkwardness for me. Also, I recognise the dogs and remember their names, not true of their humans.
but here I am, trying to have spaces to find connection and ASD or post religion spaces seems to be the safest 🤔 (every time I decide to leave exreligious spaces from deconstruction topic burnout, I find my way back because its the place I find like minded people) I guess I'm just here to vent about how f*cking terribly cruel shunning is.
5/
(despite having 15-20 yr friendships before leaving.)
When you lose your entire support system, and you see red flags of manipulation or non-reciprocation miles away.... somedays it feels like I just have to accept that freedom of mind has to be enough, cuz trusting relationships was the price...
4/
@Ilovechai@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd
That's rough.
I don't know if I am any good at advising on this, because really I don't have a lot of close old-fashioned RL friends.
Sometimes I wonder if that sort of friendship was maybe just a result of not having any other options.
Judging by old literature, maybe those friendships weren't all that great anyway, except when people got lucky somehow.
Lots of codependent relationships, lots of having to put up with people just because that's what a person was supposed to do.
Best I can say, I think, is that yeah, what you say feels relatable.
I don't have a background in religious community, let alone a high-demand one.
It's true. I've done a lot of grief work to accept the reality of the limits of these past connections. And it seems they did fill some needs I'm now working to find healthier, more fitting ways to meet. Ty for sharing your thoughts.
but so far, online spaces seem to feel the safest. I think being in a high demand religion with insta-friends masked some of my limits in socializing or maintaining friendships. Literally 4 to 5 in person 'friend groups' I attempted to engage in over the post faith years, all imploded 1-2 yrs later. I'm starting to fear I'll never have connections that survive beyond that now
3/
but so far, online spaces seem to feel the safest. I think being in a high demand religion with insta-friends masked some of my limits in socializing or maintaining friendships. Literally 4 to 5 in person 'friend groups' I attempted to engage in over the post faith years, all imploded 1-2 yrs later. I'm starting to fear I'll never have connections that survive beyond that now
3/
Not sure how to describe it, but I'm feeling frustrated that despite the fact that my faith deconstruction began in 2015, and I officially left the religion in 2016; I still miss the closeness and belonging I once had. I'm Hella triggered by organized retreats or post religion gatherings... it seems to have the same flavor as church.. I get that people are wanting connection. Obviously so do I..
2/
There are a couple of autism-supportive groups who get table/tent spaces at our local pride. Although there are some church booths there, too, it's not exactly what you'd call a sacred space. The whole religion thing is rendered irrelevant. Super friendly, and the people are there to do nothing but connect people to other people, and organizations.
If you want to get really friendly, and have the chutzpa to be pro-active, volunteer at one.