@TheBreadmonkey@beige.party cover
@TheBreadmonkey@beige.party avatar

TheBreadmonkey

@[email protected]

Hi, I'm Ben.

I'm a heady mix of a serious responsible grown up man and a stupid man-baby idiot with delusions of grandeur.

I'm a big nerd, really into music, cooking, books, films and scifi. I hate/love running and generally love being outdoors.

🌱

He/Him

https://justmytoots.com/[email protected]

#nobot #noarchive #noindex #nobridge

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. View on remote instance

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

What’s the biggest myth about autism that my comrades have come across in the course of their self-advocacy?

@actuallyautistic

TheBreadmonkey ,
@TheBreadmonkey@beige.party avatar

@roknrol @n69n @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic

I'm 'happily'(ish) married and am in the final stages of the diagnosis process (so been through GP, RMN assessment, group therapy, psych evaluation, 2 stages of written assessments and have done medical, self assessment and family observation). I didn't anticipate being told I was autistic. I went in after years of being diagnosed with depression to see if it might be ADHD (which they're confident it is and I've been referred for that aswell), so it was a bit of a surprise to be told they felt strongly I was autistic aswell. The thing is - my wife seems to think I'm making it up and that my 'normal behaviours' simply intersect /overlap with autism. So I don't know what to think and I find myself feeling like I might be a bit of a fraud. I understand I probably haven't totally shared my 'internal self' with her 100%, because I've just always thought I had some things wrong with me so I supposed locked that stuff away or obfuscated it so people don't know? But I always just assumed everyone does this? But I suspect she thinks I'm not being honest in the assessments / interviews and presumably thinks I'm 'autisming it up' presumably so I can feel different or special? Which I find a bit baffling and can't work out how to talk to her about this. I don't have strong feelings about labels (being told I'm ND was enough - sort of) and was never seeking a diagnosis for autism. But it's interesting as soon as you tell someone (even someone you trust) "I am....." that the dynamic changes depending on their opinion. No point to this really - just thought what you said was interesting and wanted to join in with my recent experience.

kimlockhartga , to bookstodon group
@kimlockhartga@beige.party avatar

@bookstodon

I have FOMOOB*
There is no cure.

*Fear Of Missing Out On Books

TheBreadmonkey ,
@TheBreadmonkey@beige.party avatar

@kimlockhartga @bookstodon

Fear of moobs

pathfinder , to ActuallyAutistic group
@pathfinder@beige.party avatar

@actuallyautistic

Much to my shock I realised that I could be autistic when I was 53, roughly 7 years ago. And it was a shock, even though I suspect a very small, well hidden and very much ignored part of me, might have suspected. No one told me about it, or suggested that it might be the case. I did not see myself in relatives, the way so many of us do. I just happened to come across an autism test online and for no particular reason, took it.

It was that, that started me on my path to realising and finally accepting the truth that I was autistic. But, looking back, I sometimes find it hard to understand how I didn't know earlier. So much of my life now, just screams autism at me. But even ignoring the horribly ableist and medieval view I had of what autism was, the main reason why I didn't was probably because I could mask, both from myself and others, so well.

It was, I realise now, a life lived in denial. A denial of how much things bothered me, how much effort I had to put into things. Even a denial of the things I knew I couldn't do. Because this is the thing about appearing to mask so well, for so long. It is, in a sense, a lie. I couldn't mask well, if at all. Not all the time. Not in all situations or circumstances. There were things I just couldn't cope with, or even begin to deal with. But the trick was, that I either knew about them, or learnt the hard way about them and then I could manage my life to avoid them. Because they were things I could live without, without affecting how I appeared to be coping. Things that didn't affect the way I lived, even if they did affect my sense of worth. Because, how broken did you have to be, not to be able to go to crowded events, like a sports match, or a concert? Or to be able to deal with the socialising of a large gathering, or a family event, without having to hide in the kitchen, or forever outside, or break down in a toilet?

It was all part of how I masked myself from myself. The internal masking, as I like to call it. If I couldn't cope, then I was broken. If I couldn't stand something, then I was too picky, or sensitive, or I simply needed to learn to ignore it. And somehow I did learn. I learnt how to cope with noise and smell and visual overwhelm. I learnt to not let things bother me. To a point at least. There was always a step too far, when I couldn't, or didn't have the energy any more to maintain it. And this did take energy, a lot of it. Something I've only realising now that I don't have the energy to spare to even try it. Or the ability to, in many respects now that I know what I was trying so desperately to hide from.

Because when the truth is known, it's far harder to deny it. It's far harder to live the life where appearing to cope, is as good as coping. Where blaming yourself, is easier than seeing others faults. Where ignoring the pain, makes the pain go away. It's hard to see the mask as a benefit and always a good thing, rather than the shield and tool it always was.


TheBreadmonkey ,
@TheBreadmonkey@beige.party avatar

@pathfinder @actuallyautistic

Thank you for this. I'm just going through the process now. I didn't anticipate it and went in at 45 suggesting there might be something other than depression going on. In my psych interview they told me I was not only unquestionably ND (ADHD) but felt strongly I was autistic. Didn't even really occur to me, although I'd done a number of self tests before where I was always in upper range. But I just figured it was how I'm built and there was crossover. But the subsequent tests all obviously pointed to it, but I still didn't really see it. So I've now been referred to the specialist and I don't really know what to expect or how I feel about it. I know I exhibit many of the traits, but it's been 'me' for so long it feels weird to reframe it. But it was also quite overwhelming because I've always just assumed I'm fundamentally broken and have (sort of) learned to live with that. So it's fascinating to me to hear other people's experiences. I don't really know what to expect from my ongoing journey, but it's interesting to know I might find a potential answer and maybe a different path. I wish you all the very best and hope you're thriving.

TheBreadmonkey ,
@TheBreadmonkey@beige.party avatar

@pathfinder @actuallyautistic

Thank you. I still don't know how I feel about it all and wonder if I'm an entirely different person now. I don't feel different. But if some doctor tells me I'm not fundamentally broken, ironically I think it might break me. I've been so sure there's something wrong with me - not medical or psychological but maybe just defective? I dunno. Don't mean to make this a sad response. I'm fine really (even though I suppose I'm not really). It makes me feel very raw. Of course there's always a possibility they'll tell me I'm just being silly, which will then be obvious and I'll be a very great fool for thinking there's some answer to it all. Sorry. This came out a bit more honest than I meant. I'll try a bit of levity next time. Short version - it's all been quite tumultuous and I don't know how to view myself at the moment, so it's making my head spin. But I super appreciate you sharing and it meant a lot to me. 👍

TheBreadmonkey ,
@TheBreadmonkey@beige.party avatar

@eestileib @pathfinder @actuallyautistic

I still secretly think someone's going to tell me I'm actually some new thing, not previously conceived of. And that I'm an alien or a wizard or the chosen one. Wouldn't that be something. If it turns out I'm actually the rightful ruler of the universe. Although admittedly I don't know how they'll test for that.

TheBreadmonkey ,
@TheBreadmonkey@beige.party avatar

@eestileib @pathfinder @actuallyautistic

Lol. I assume you know my Chesney Hawkes story and this isn't just some intergalactic coincidence?

TheBreadmonkey ,
@TheBreadmonkey@beige.party avatar

@eestileib @pathfinder @actuallyautistic

In that case I'm going to assume you are Chesney Hawkes and we're building up to a one of those 90s-style princess/common person swap films, where we switch places and you get to fix my life whilst I live the high life of an ageing celebrity for a bit. With hilarious consequences, some mild peril and a happy ending.

TheBreadmonkey ,
@TheBreadmonkey@beige.party avatar

@eestileib @pathfinder @actuallyautistic

Genuine lol

  • All
  • Subscribed
  • Moderated
  • Favorites
  • •
  • kbinchat
  • All magazines
    •