Sometimes I find myself imagining that someone calls me out on my weirdness in a small-talk context and I don't know how to respond. Does this sound familiar?
Here is an example: This morning, while I was in the shower, the thought crossed my mind that one of our neighbours might ask me out of the blue: 'When will you start dressing your child gender-appropriately?'
I'd be blindsided by such a question. In a small-talk context, it wouldn't be acceptable to say that this is an impolite question (if you don't want to risk souring the relationship). But it's not the right context either to give the real explanation by saying that we try to select beautiful and comfortable clothes for our child irrespective of gender norms. The correct response would probably be some kind of jocular remark.
Let me be clear: Nobody has asked me this, so I don't need advice on how to handle this. I'm just sharing this as an example of my anxiety of being 'found out' after years of masking.
@SaySimonSay@actuallyautistic Sounds very familiar. I often think about actual and possible conversations and what I could/should say. I try to think of ways to be polite, but honest and ideally witty. In reality of course, it rarely ever goes like this.
I would have an answer to that question. Or I would have had one a couple of years ago.
My mother taught me a sharp-tongued conversation style that is quite successful in shutting people down. This was a lifesaver in my youth. (Or maybe it wasn't, but that's for another time.)
I still have this style in my repertoire. It can be useful. But that's not me anymore (if it ever was). You can only use this style if you are in a position where you don't give a toss about alienating whoever crosses your path.
So there are two aspects to it:
First, nobody asked me this. This is the inner voice of my anxiety. In order to silence that voice, I will have to learn to be comfortable with who/how I am (and how we raise our child). This is the only way (but it's really hard).
Second, if someone ever really asks this (impertinent) question, I want to be able to answer as myself without channeling my mother and lapsing into her abrasive style.
However, I don't think questions of that particular sort should be answered in earnest.
Instead I would recommend a "gentle hand" sort of verbal Aikido, where you answer with a question.
"What makes you ask that?" Spoken with an accomodating, friendly tone.
And every answer you get, ask a why or howcome or otherwise.
Accomodating, gentle.
You don't have to answer the question until you are certain that it is asked in good faith, and you find that out by asking for reasons and reasonings.
@SaySimonSay@actuallyautistic One of the reasons I suck at lying and could never be a spy or criminal mastermind is that I mentally go through all the ways I could be caught out by questioning or evidence and how I might be able to plan/account for that, but then think of another 6 ways I could be caught out after that. It made childhood quite stressful as I was always certain that anything I did wrong, someone would find evidence to prove it and I'd be in trouble.