I survived a trip to the funfair, this time with my parents-in-law, my wife and the kid.
My father-in-law loves funfairs. He doesn't go on any of the rides (because nobody joins him). He just looks around, has some food and discusses the stalls and rides. Maybe he's reveling in childhood memories.
My mother-in-law and my wife don't give a shit about funfairs. They just want everyone to be happy. I didn't vote against the funfair – because it was a small-town funfair, so I assumed that we'd be done in half an hour, and mainly because I didn't want my wife to manage a potential conflict between her father's preferences and mine.
It was doable. We spent more like 45–60 minutes in the vicinity of the stalls and rides. Music was blaring. Lights were flashing. We had mediocre food at slightly elevated prices. The kid gave a high five to some poor person stuck in a costume.
I don't know why this is called a 'funfair' rather than a noisefair, but there are worse misnomers …
Sometimes I find myself imagining that someone calls me out on my weirdness in a small-talk context and I don't know how to respond. Does this sound familiar?
Here is an example: This morning, while I was in the shower, the thought crossed my mind that one of our neighbours might ask me out of the blue: 'When will you start dressing your child gender-appropriately?'
I'd be blindsided by such a question. In a small-talk context, it wouldn't be acceptable to say that this is an impolite question (if you don't want to risk souring the relationship). But it's not the right context either to give the real explanation by saying that we try to select beautiful and comfortable clothes for our child irrespective of gender norms. The correct response would probably be some kind of jocular remark.
Let me be clear: Nobody has asked me this, so I don't need advice on how to handle this. I'm just sharing this as an example of my anxiety of being 'found out' after years of masking.
I would have an answer to that question. Or I would have had one a couple of years ago.
My mother taught me a sharp-tongued conversation style that is quite successful in shutting people down. This was a lifesaver in my youth. (Or maybe it wasn't, but that's for another time.)
I still have this style in my repertoire. It can be useful. But that's not me anymore (if it ever was). You can only use this style if you are in a position where you don't give a toss about alienating whoever crosses your path.
So there are two aspects to it:
First, nobody asked me this. This is the inner voice of my anxiety. In order to silence that voice, I will have to learn to be comfortable with who/how I am (and how we raise our child). This is the only way (but it's really hard).
Second, if someone ever really asks this (impertinent) question, I want to be able to answer as myself without channeling my mother and lapsing into her abrasive style.
I keep going back to this situation in a previous job where the boss said that he'd invite us for a drink at the local funfair and give us the afternoon off if we joined him.
Everybody joined, so I did as well.
It was a hot summer day. The funfair was empty, but huge, noisy and overwhelming. Also, I hated the boss who egged us on to go on one of the rides. I would now say that I quickly reached my sensory threshold.
At some point, me and a coworker wandered off. We walked on until we reached the exit, then made the split-second decision to leave without saying goodbye.
The next day I was summoned by the boss and interrogated why I had left early without saying goodbye. Ashamed of myself, I mumbled some vague excuses.
I would try to handle the whole situation differently now, but back then I didn't know what was going on and I didn't have the right words. Am I still ashamed? Yeah, maybe a bit, but I'm trying to let myself off the hook. I just didn't know any better.
In that situation, I certainly held it against me. I blamed myself for not handling the situation better.
I told myself that there were three moments where I could have acted differently: I could have refused to join. I could have briefly said 'Sorry, I'm feeling poorly, I have to leave' before wandering off. And I could have been clearer when called out by saying 'I was overwhelmed, so I did what I had to do' rather than offering some vague kind of apology.
But most importantly, I was completely unaware of my disposition then. I didn't know what a meltdown/shutdown was. I was just ashamed of being so different that I was unable to handle that situation in some acceptable way.
I'm more self-aware now. I still regret that I wasn't back then, but I'm not holding it against myself too much any more. I handled it as well as I could back then. That's also fine. I don't have to handle everything admirably and keep everyone happy.
