I know you're joking, but for those who don't understand sarcasm it's more akin to a rebirth name when changing it after religious epiphanies or extreme cases of cuttingoff communication from one's origin family/tribe.
I don't know about OP, but when I put rope on my cat-tree's soft-fabric column I just wound it around the column (cylinder, don't know if it would work as well on a squarer support) as tightly as I could and safety pinned the bottom end to the 2nd to last row. The tight coil encourages friction and prevents slippage when he scratches it. The rope hasn't moved, aside from when I rotate it for a fresher side, since I placed it over 2 years ago.
Here is just one of the many videos I could find describing the difference between physical and chemical sunscreens. In short, both, to an extent the physical kind included, absorb and transform it into heat. Consumers can get chemical kinds that don't leave a white cast, offer varying levels of protection, dry fairly quickly, and are easy to apply under makeup if that's a concern. I know because I've used a couple brands with these things in mind and have loved them for years.
Just for safety's sake, I would advise more for a diffuser with or without a light for aromatherapy. Lit candles unattended are notorious for fire-related accidents, and diffusers can act as a mini humidifier for some. But that's just imo.