Is it ok that I’m really grumpy today about not being accepted as I am?
I mean, I went to a uni event where there were loads of surplus support staff who are meant to be trained to help people there, identify sunflower lanyards etc. I wore my sunflower lanyard which even has pins stating I have an invisible disability, am neurodivergent and a spoonie…
But still it felt like battling uphill to get help and understanding when I needed it.
Why is it so goddamned hard?!
I am so tired of trying to fit in, but now already tired of feeling like a purple sheep (not even a well-known “black” sheep type, but some other obscure variant that no one understands).
I’m so tired of being alone in this with no one to go through it with.
I’m venting.
I know the Actually Autistic community get this and you’re out there.
I just feel very isolated from the right type of people I need to be around sometimes.
Hoping this is a phase. Hoping it’s just a mix of “oh shit my degree is almost done” and final coursework & exam stresses… and knowing my younger student peer friends couldn’t give a shit that they probably won’t see me ever again and just broke their word about meeting up in April. They will all move away and forget me, I already know that because I already tried uni several times before and experienced it every time. Just so tired of being alone and forgotten.
All these broken promises about caring. It’s hard to take it all on board sometimes.
@AnAutieAtUni@actuallyautistic perfectly reasonable to be grumpy! Your day had been really tough and it's only natural. Sometimes it feels like there's no end to it.
A LOT of this is down to the fact I can never tell when someone cares or what they think of me without clear words or actions. I usually have to put a bit of work into interpreting actions.
When people’s words and promises and public guidelines don’t match with their actions it hits hard. I don’t know why they don’t match up. Why didn’t they do what they said? They said they cared, they’d be inclusive, that we are all valued… is that not true?
Until now I’ve always chosen to believe people mean well… always. I can still think of hundreds of ways to forgive people and explain their actions. But I am only just starting to learn to listen to the hurt I experience… I usually silence it by saying “but they didn’t mean to!” Maybe not, but they still did harm.
And some people just don’t think, just don’t care enough. It’s as boring as that. I’m as boring as that.
And I’m back to wishing I didn’t want company or friendship or feelings of belonging! Damn, I wish I could switch all those needs OFF!
Maybe I am STILL opting in to things other people like me are smart enough to avoid completely because they know it’s a really bad fit for us, and that’s why I don’t MEET them!! Oh! 💡
I’m still seeing the world through my mask, still making choices based on my mask; not as the autistic person I am.
@AnAutieAtUni@actuallyautistic oh that's a thought! I'm not at uni, for example, because I would die 🙈 wayyyy too much for me to handle. I'm proud of you for doing it!
Also grateful for you talking about all this. I feel everything you're feeling! I hate how NT friendship works, it's so lonely. I think suffering proliferates in silence! So keep talking.
@AnAutieAtUni@actuallyautistic
you see "other people" through changing lens. that is the way things are. thusly all things can be weighed, considered, applications, and/or what feels right. masks are to be removed at the end of use. 🤔