A LOT of this is down to the fact I can never tell when someone cares or what they think of me without clear words or actions. I usually have to put a bit of work into interpreting actions.
When people’s words and promises and public guidelines don’t match with their actions it hits hard. I don’t know why they don’t match up. Why didn’t they do what they said? They said they cared, they’d be inclusive, that we are all valued… is that not true?
Until now I’ve always chosen to believe people mean well… always. I can still think of hundreds of ways to forgive people and explain their actions. But I am only just starting to learn to listen to the hurt I experience… I usually silence it by saying “but they didn’t mean to!” Maybe not, but they still did harm.
And some people just don’t think, just don’t care enough. It’s as boring as that. I’m as boring as that.
And I’m back to wishing I didn’t want company or friendship or feelings of belonging! Damn, I wish I could switch all those needs OFF!