I may not have the full eidetic memory that some seem to have. But, unfortunately, what I do remember comes with all its baggage. So, no. A fully lucid and immersive memory is no fun at all. Although, to be honest, for most of my life I never realised how unusual it is. I never really thought of my memory as being anything special, not having any real way of comparing it and this despite the number of times I heard, "how do you remember that?"
I too, have a horrible tendency for needing perfection and being as accurate and honest as I can be. I am also my own worst enemy for doubting myself and being my own devil's advocate. It probably doesn't help that rather than in the hard sciences, I sought understanding of myself in the behavioural sciences and philosophy. And one thing a philosophy degree teaches you, is how to doubt. Not that I ever needed much help there.
So much of my life, it seems, was spent using that doubt to mask myself from myself. That I was actually suffering, that my difficulties were real, that I was anything other than broken somehow and always to blame. I think, in so many ways, it is the song that many of us have spent far too long with.
As is that feeling of being alone. In a crowd, with family and friends, always alone. A least until now.
❤️