I really hate it when it takes a few text messages to articulate a thought, but my friend responds to the first message without context of the next two messages which would completely change the response, but they clearly have put their phone down somewhere because they must be doing something because now that the thought does need a timely reply because it's in regard to a change of plans which would be better started earlier than later..... they're now not reading their messages and you've trapped yourself in waiting mode hell.
So, two winters ago I couldn't find what I did with my favorite red coat. I searched everywhere for it, and came up with nothing and was very sad that I had lost it.
For some odd reason, I decided to open the coat closet that's in the basement that we never use, it's just where old coats go to be forgotten... Guess where my coat has been for the past two years. In that closet that I totally forgot to look in.
One of the things I find myself struggling with a lot as an autistic person with an autistic partner is how often there are moments where I do not honor my own needs or preferences because they seemingly conflict with my partner's needs and preferences, and how it feels easier to mask my discomfort than to express a different preference and potentially provoke unnecessary dysregulation and conflict.
On the rare occasion I do speak up and we try things my way and it fails miserably because it isn't his way, I get so disappointed and upset that he's unable to be as flexible as I force myself to be for him and his sensory needs, and wish we'd never tried doing it my way in the first place.
This doesn't exactly feel healthy to me, but I'm not really sure how to interpret what I feel either.
@spika@Zumbador@actuallyautistic I don't think it "feels" dismissive of your autism, I think it is dismissive of your autism, and I think it's okay to admit that to yourself.
It sounds like your partner isn't accounting for masking strategies, and is therefore dismissive of any needs that he can't see. I think you might need to have a conversation when neither of you are in meltdown about the types of experience you're internalising and how that affects you.
@Jobob@Zumbador@actuallyautistic Yeah, I think you're right that he's not accounting for masking strategies. We've also only been aware that I may be autistic for little over a year at this point, and when we're both calm, we've had some pretty good affirming conversations about it.
Went out to see a friend's gig tonight with my partner. It's rare we get to go see somebody play together and not be playing himself. It was fun, but I'm finding myself restless and impatient now that we're home because I was NOT done socializing when my partner's social battery ran out, partly because I got cornered by another autistic friend who almost never to events because of social anxiety, so I didn't get to socialize with anyone but him until he hit his fill line and left, and there were a few people I'd really wanted to touch base with more while I was there. Trying really hard not to be upset about leaving before I felt done.
One of the most frustrating things I find about verbal conversations is how sometimes a conversation feels like it's going on smoothly and then a hiccup happens.
A misunderstanding. An unexpected comment. Maybe two people started talking at the same time. Something like that.
It's like somebody took my brain and shook it like an etch-a-sketch and I've completely forgotten what we're talking about, what I was going to say next, and I'm dysregulated.
And it's a thing I've noticed happens with my partner as well, and when it happens with us at the same time, it's double distressing because the expectation we have is the other has tracked the conversation well enough so we haven't gotten completely lost and can get caught up and get back on track but in reality we both lost the plot and are frustrated with the other for not retaining it.
I just found out that my therapist's office is closing due to an reorganization of the non-profit it's a part of, so I'll need to find a new therapist to transfer to or decide to discharge.
In true to me fashion, I downplayed the impact that this change is likely going to have on me and more pinned my rage on the systems that be failing and deflected to inquiring about my therapist's plans from here.
I'm of mixed opinion on what I want to do next. The mental health crisis that landed me there was for the most part resolved, and in the past few months I've felt like I might be ready to move on from it. But it's so hard to get in with anybody, I'm not against being transferred... but I also don't wanna start over again with a new person but also I don't feel quite ready to end therapy.
I'd really rather go the route of music or art therapy if I was to continue with therapy, but that would require figuring out how to fund such an endeavor because insurance typically doesn't cover that.
But the for the moment, I'm feeling kinda bummed that my run with my current therapist is wrapping up into it's end and a bit meltdowny about it.
Dealing with these situations is hard, to say the least. My doctor put me onto an excellent therapist, compassionate but with firm boundaries, which is what I need. I’ve “lost” 2 therapists in years past. Should’ve lost the first one a lot earlier.
@servelan@pathfinder@actuallyautistic Yeah, I've been poking through the list of practices that my therapist's office provided, doing web searches for any info I can find about them... and thus far, I feel discouraged and uninspired. I have a state health plan that not everyone takes, so my options are pretty limited.
Has anybody seen any good videos talking about what autistic burnout is that would be appropriate to send to loved ones to explain what it is and how it affects an autistic person?
I'm too burned out to sift through search results to find a good one. Looking for a video because the friend I want to send it to does better processing audio than reading.
Partner is fixated on a life choice regret this morning and has been teetering on the edge of meltdown. It's a line of thinking that most often gets triggered if I make even the slightest reference to where I was living in my late 20s and early 30s.
It's a painful thing to witness because of the level of anger and resentment he has around his choices, and often leaves me feeling like I have to walk on eggshells and supress my thoughts around my own memories of that time period of my own life which makes me feel inspired unsupported because it wasn't exactly the "time of my life" like my partner seems to assume.
How do you guys handle friends who have the sort of sense of humor where they "play fight" over trivial things for fun?
I find this sooooo triggering because I can't tell when good fun turns into abuse and controlling behavior so any hint of it even in good fun is really upsetting.
It’s testing limits. Add some alcohol and you may very well witness how bar fights evolve.
I’ve seen it mostly with males and I don’t know whether it’s a great ape species thing (bonobo males do a lot of 1:1 aggression, while chimpanzee males form gangs) or cultural. Probably both, and an internalised competitive patriarchal structure certainly doesn’t help.
@dweebish@actuallyautistic I think this is a big aspect with the situation around my friend. He and I do not have this play fighting dynamic, but he does have it with several other friends as well as his new girlfriend. I have always been uncomfortable with some of his friends because they were engaging in this behavior in front of me before I really felt we had reached the intimacy level to feel comfortable to consent to it.
One of the odd things about being AuDHD and having executive functioning issues around cleanliness is that 95% of the time I cannot get myself to clean or tidy.... but then, one day... say, I puke all over the bathroom by accident or I explode a soda all over my room, and then all of the sudden a switch flips and instead of having a meltdown and becoming all helpless over it, I switch into "deep clean" mode and suddenly there's this seemingly endless well of energy for all things cleaning until I literally exhaust myself. On the bright side, my shit is going to be cleaner than it's been in months!
@spika@actuallyautistic
For a moment my brain went 😃 THIS! Totally this!
Then my other brain cell piped up, yeah but our tank is like the size of a divers oxygen tank if it was made for a barbie doll.
First brain cell, yeah, that does explain why once said room's floor or object, fixture or piece of furniture is thoroughly cleaned I'm all done 😅😅.
I think one of the most disorentienting things about being autistic but also having an autistic partner is that sometimes you misread their subtle social cues that they're on edge of a meltdown and then when it finally blows up, are taken completely off guard by the fact they're melting down because they seemed fine two seconds ago and then you're struggling to not meltdown yourself because of how taken off guard you were by the meltdown.
Had one of those days yesterday. Recovering and processing today.
I'm thinking about this because I'm sitting in the next room listening to my parents visit with my aunt and uncle, but I get so overstimulated when there is a group of people and more than one conversation is happening within the group, and I do not know which conversation to track and participate in so I'm trying to track both.
I often feel like this is one of the things that makes me feel most isolated in groups.
A few times this week I found myself escalating to the point of meltdown due to me completely misreading social situations happening and reacting to them like they were traumatic events of the past.
It's always incredibly embarrassing when this happens, and anytime there's a meltdown there's a risk of dysregulating the people around me... which happened last night. My outburst triggered my partner into a meltdown, which triggered his roommate to emerge from his room screaming at us for our dysregulation being "unacceptable" which escalated my partner further.
It's not the first time we've had trouble with this particular roommate dysregulating due to our inability to keep it cool 24/7, and it had me realizing that I've been walking on eggshells and holding so much anxiety around him for years because every time my partner starts to get a little meltdown-y, I'm terrified he's going to emerge from his room and lash out and make things worse.
I'm back home and recovering now, but I just feel really sad about the whole thing and angry at myself for just jumping to conclusions and yelling my head off.
On the thankful side, the other roommate who was the person who had done the triggering thing both times I lost it this week seemed to get where I was coming from was able to help set me straight and help me regulate.
Home now, trying to process and recover. Being a person is hard.
