punishmenthurts

pathfinder , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic
@actuallyadhd

After joining a post by Niamh Garvey (hopefully a successful link to it below) about whether she had adhd as well as autism, I have spent the last couple of days contemplating this idea for myself as well.

I am still not entirely convinced, but I am beginning to suspect that I might well be in this situation as well. After watching a number of YouTube videos from those with both autism and adhd and reading up on adhd, I can see a number of things that point on that direction certainly, although I'm not entirely convinced.

I have always been aware of the near overwhelming urge to either interrupt people, because there is something I want to say and if I don't then, then I know there is a more than a reasonable chance that I will forget what it was. I also have a tendency to want to finish people's sentences. Both of these things though I have taught myself to resist. Even though I feel a great deal of discomfort doing so. I am also more than aware that I can forget what I was saying, or thinking, halfway through a sentence. That digging through the trash to find the package with the instructions on, that I only just threw away after reading, is not uncommon. As is failing completely to understand or remember the instructions someone just gave me.

But then, my short term (working) memory is basically non-existent. But, I'm also aware that this is a fairly common problem for autistics and even before I realised I was autistic, I built up systems to help myself deal with this. As well as with my general forgetfulness. Lists, memory aids, even making the route out of my flat a trip hazard to make sure I don't forget to take something with me. Also, I live alone and essentially there is a place for everything and everything has its place. Not foolproof and I have lost things in a very small flat that I still haven't found. But generally speaking effective.

I struggle to start tasks, especially tasks that I have no real interest, or desire to do. Being interested in something has always been my main motivator. But eventually, I can normally force myself and work my way through things, especially if I know they are necessary. Knowing I have this problem is also why I hate leaving things to the last moment. I know that I am more than capable of doing that if I allow myself, but also that the stress from doing so is nearly overwhelming, even if it can be motivational. As is the stress of clutter. Not the organised clutter that is my flat, where I know where everything is, as in somewhere in that pile over there, but the clutter that builds up eventually and begins to feel as if it is out of control.

Novelty is a factor in my life. Or, boredom, rather. Because sooner, although far more likely later, I will grow bored with routines, or things like safe foods, and need to change them. Many of my interests also seem to suffer from a similar threshold. A certain point where I lose interest and no longer feel any need to maintain them, even though this might make me feel guilty about giving up on them. In fact, I hate boredom and I have always needed a certain amount of new things to watch, or discover and to be actively doing stuff, if only in my head. And whilst I have never thought of myself as being particularly spontaneous or impulsive. I am, within certain limits of self-control. There is a rationality that often has to be appeased that gives me a sense of control. I have also taken stupid risks and great risks. But rarely beyond what I knew was necessary, or to my mind, at least, controlled to a point.

I can be easily distracted, by random thoughts or by, (well obviously not squirrels, I mean who would be? but, oh, oh, there's a butterfly) things. But not always to the point that I'm not at least marginally still aware of what I should be paying attention to. Letting myself wander whilst maintaining at least a marginal awareness is an old trick of mine. I have always been a fidgeter, but that's also how I maintained concentration. Feeling the overwhelming need to move, has always seemed to me to be anxiety driven, or is the way I focus and think. In fact, movement for me has always been as much about settling and regulating myself, as it has been compulsive.

As I said, there are certain things that seem to fit, even if they also seem to have been effected and possibly modified by my autism. I would love to hear your thoughts.

https://beige.party/@[email protected]/112390279791932822#

punishmenthurts , 1 month ago

@CuriousMagpie @pathfinder @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd
I can relate to a thing or two, but basically I'm happy sitting on my ass, sometimes TV, reading, writing, sometimes as the old joke goes, just sittin'.
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I think I fall more on the self stimulating blob side of things. 😇 ❤️

Dr_Obvious , 2 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group German

@actuallyautistic
I am in the mood to spam some thoughts

You know that metaphor that neurotypical people are running windows and autists linux. I want to expand on that.

If you are a person that is "not looking autistic" people say often something like okay, but you have like the mild version.

I think it's because they only look at how big the differences are they are noting. They don't see where you are coming from.

punishmenthurts , 1 month ago

@Dr_Obvious @Lipidolith @actuallyautistic
being not quite as good as the musician in question, but having tried for that amount of time to be, I approve of this metaphor.
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I have maybe two hundred songs now that given a few days notice I could play for you, but the rest is all true, it is hard to learn new things still, and I cannot improvise the simplest bit of lead.

punishmenthurts , 1 month ago

@Lipidolith @Dr_Obvious @actuallyautistic ❤️

punishmenthurts , 1 month ago

@roknrol @Dr_Obvious @Lipidolith @actuallyautistic
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I mean, I'm always learning another one, one or more a week, and the process sometimes seems to be getting faster and more predictable. I just mean the guitar is not advancing and it won't. It's a matter of finding really easy songs, pretty sure it always will be.

lifewithtrees , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

The older I get, the more I find being in the city to be overwhelming. There are so many people and sounds and smells and it is all sensory overload.

Manhattan (and especially MoMA!) was interesting for the day but I’m ready to get home to the forest.

I am back in my hotel room with white noise going and ordered food I make at home for delivery to calm my nervous system.

#AuDHD @actuallyautistic

punishmenthurts , 1 month ago

@pathfinder @lifewithtrees @actuallyautistic
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I guess I don't tell myself, "I love the city," but I don't hate it. I don't have dreams of a place of my own in the country, I suppose from forever dreaming of human connections, I have zero survvivalist leanings

punishmenthurts , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

#ActuallyAutistc
@actuallyautistic
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I don’t know about you, but my self diagnosis was anything but fast or easy. It was sixty year goddam treasure hunt where anyone who knew or could have known anything made a point of keeping it a secret.
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No matter the troubles I was having, the messaging from family (who absolutely all knew) and doctors and psychologists was all NT conformism:You are Normal. We are All the Same.
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Self diagnosis is about as easy as a salmon finding its breeding spot after a thousand miles of white water. It’s an against all odds kind of deal, at least for us olds.
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Neurotypes are the biggest secret in the world, because We are All the Same, they say. They don’t like self diagnosis because it’s when we win the game of Hide and Seek, we are Kicking the Can when we self discover, winning the game.
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😈❤️

punishmenthurts OP , 1 month ago

@GreenRoc @actuallyautistic 💔

punishmenthurts OP , 1 month ago

@nellie_m @actuallyautistic @pathfinder
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Home at last ❤️

punishmenthurts OP , 1 month ago

@eestileib @GreenRoc @actuallyautistic
just looked it up, read the words
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I think it's tongue in cheek, that middle verse, the prophecies are all just normal real life, right, but Bruno, that bastard, SAYS them, OMG
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Yeah, I get it. Be funny as Hell if it was a little less true. ❤️

punishmenthurts OP , 1 month ago

@GreenRoc @eestileib @actuallyautistic
different Brunos, I think?
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I suppose everything that makes fun of Allists, shows us "normal people," that would seem to have, uh, "severe Allism," is "Autistically coded?"
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Like that's what Bruno made fun of, and that's what the Dictator parodied? Extremely Allistic people, the Army, the wrestling fans?

punishmenthurts OP , 1 month ago

@GreenRoc @eestileib @actuallyautistic
yes, my spokeschild, had, or has rats, they're great.

punishmenthurts OP , 1 month ago

@Jobob @eestileib @GreenRoc @actuallyautistic
OH, it's Encanto! I know nothing, sorry 😀

punishmenthurts OP , 1 month ago

@GreenRoc @Jobob @eestileib @actuallyautistic
yeah, oops, I was thinking about the other guy

pathfinder , 2 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

Autistic brains be stupid. Well, obviously not stupid, they just seem to work, or not work, in mysterious ways.

The main one that has always got me, about mine, is that I have no memory for sound, absolutely none. I can't remember a song, or a sound. I can't remember what my parents sounded like and none of my memories carry, for want of a better word, a soundtrack. I can remember what I was thinking and what others were saying, but not hearing them say it, nor any other sound. I also don't dream in sound, at least as far as I know. All my dreams are silent.

And yet, and it's a big yet. I have an excellent memory for voices and sounds. Like many autistics I have near perfect pitch, at least when I'm hearing others sing, or music playing. Just don't ask me to reproduce it, because I can't. If I meet someone I haven't met for a while, then I will almost certainly not recognise their face, or remember their name, but there is a very good chance that I will recognise them from their voice. I am also very good at detecting accents. Even the slightest hint of one in, say, an actor pretending to be an american, will get me searching Wikipedian to see if I am right about their actual nationality.

So, if I can tell the sound of a Honda CBR engine two blocks away, or a voice, or an accent buried deep, I must have the memories to compare against. And yet... nope.

So, as I said, autistic brains be stupid.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

punishmenthurts , 1 month ago

@everyday_human @pathfinder @olena @bhawthorne @actuallyautistic @devxvda
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Whaddayamean “we?”
😘Kidding, I don’t know

punishmenthurts , 1 month ago

@roknrol @olena @pathfinder @devxvda @actuallyautistic
same, I always spoke that way about my life before I was twelve too. After reading Neurotribes, I’ve decided that I had something like an “awakening,” around then.
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I don’t have family stories instead so much, but I have the few vivid ones.
I’m starting to think my sense of missing time is getting less now, thinking that a lot of it was simply empty, me alone with the TV or outside somewhere, mostly alone.

punishmenthurts , 1 month ago

@roknrol @olena @pathfinder @devxvda @actuallyautistic
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Honestly I’m having trouble remembering things from this end of life round of burnout too, I think the sense of missing years is burnout, maybe