nellie_m

Zumbador , 27 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

Here's something that causes friction between me and my family.

Someone asks me to make a decision about something I don't have a strong preference, but they want me to have a preference.

"do you want x or y? "

Saying "I don't care" comes across as rude, and even softening it as "I don't really have a preference" or turning it back to them by saying "what do you think?" isn't appreciated. They want me to care.

I understand that they want me to choose so they don't have to do that emotional labour. That's fair. But often when I do choose (at random), they try to change my mind, and then I'm back to square one because I don't really care, and I don't want to lie!

A honest answer would be "I'm depressed, I don't want to exist. Putting on a polite face is taking up all my effort, expecting me to actually care is beyond my capacity"

But that's too heavy for most interactions.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, just writing it out.

#ActuallyAutistic

nellie_m , 26 days ago

@Zumbador @alicemcalicepants @roknrol @actuallyautistic

humans are way too complicated to live with.

Which is why I loved having a dog companion, and now she’s gone and I can no longer afford it, I’ll rather stay by myself.

nellie_m , 26 days ago

@dl2jml @Zumbador @actuallyautistic

The myth that autistic people lack empathy goes back to Simon Baron-Cohen, has done a lot of damage and has also been disproven.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6959478/

nellie_m , 26 days ago

@dl2jml @Zumbador @actuallyautistic

that’s a good point.

nellie_m , 26 days ago

@dl2jml @Zumbador @actuallyautistic

You’re right in that there are cultural differences between autistics and non-autistics, but it goes both ways.

It’s called the „Double Empathy Problem“.

Turns out, in all-autistic settings, we don’t find relating more difficult than allistics in all-allistic settings 🙂

nellie_m , 26 days ago

@Tooden @Zumbador @alicemcalicepants @roknrol @actuallyautistic

Thank you 💛

The average life expectancy for her breed is less than ten years, and she lived to be fourteen and a bit, so I’m really very grateful for that. All good. My dogs live on in my heart and that’s something I can’t ever lose 💛

nellie_m , 16 days ago

@Zumbador @actuallyautistic

Did you ever read Kate Fox, “Watching the English”?

It’s very entertaining, and very enlightening.

And I think your answer might be right there in your question: seems it’s a cultural thing, only you’re becoming aware of it.

nellie_m , 16 days ago

@Zumbador @actuallyautistic

there are some interesting passages about people who live in this culture but are from a different background. How they’re culturally “bilingual” and can almost switch personalities but being fluent in both they know both are sort of a game.

It’s such a great book, like a manual for the hidden rules and assumptions within the English culture that are usually taken for granted, and I truly wish she’d write one for all the other countries 🙂

catswhocode , 17 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic Do you ever question whether or not you're autistic? I do in part because some of the traits I have can also be attributed to my brain injury, so I don't know if it's one or both

nellie_m , 17 days ago

@pathfinder @pa @catswhocode @actuallyautistic

I don’t fully agree with the „never ends“ 😉 but for the first few years, I certainly had impostor syndrome, too. It’s so typical, it should be included in the list, at least for late discovered autistics.

And I won’t ever get tired of sharing Alice Watson’s fabulous collection of resources.

https://codeberg.org/alicewatson/asd-self-dx/src/branch/main

spika , 21 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

How do you guys handle friends who have the sort of sense of humor where they "play fight" over trivial things for fun?

I find this sooooo triggering because I can't tell when good fun turns into abuse and controlling behavior so any hint of it even in good fun is really upsetting.

#actuallyautistic @actuallyautistic

nellie_m , 20 days ago

@spika @actuallyautistic @pathfinder

I hate it.

It’s testing limits. Add some alcohol and you may very well witness how bar fights evolve.

I’ve seen it mostly with males and I don’t know whether it’s a great ape species thing (bonobo males do a lot of 1:1 aggression, while chimpanzee males form gangs) or cultural. Probably both, and an internalised competitive patriarchal structure certainly doesn’t help.

I avoid such company.

melindrea , 21 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Reading wikipedia on autism for Reasons (tm).

I don't get it. Why is it so important that we don't stim? Like, there are some that are contextually inappropriate (loud noises when it might disturb others, for instance), but outside of those few things ... what's the problem with hand flapping, body wiggling, hair twirling, vocalizing in repetitive ways when it's not distracting/disturbing, etc, etc, etc?

Bah, humbug >.< @actuallyautistic

nellie_m , 20 days ago

@pathfinder @melindrea @actuallyautistic

I think small talk is an NT stim. It makes them feel better. Alleviates their unease. Social contact like that boosts their brain opioids - they’re basically what makes us feel loved / loving.

Weather talk (or what the Buddha called „well gossip“) is meaningless to us; maybe because our brain opioid levels don’t go down when we’re alone.

Zumbador , 21 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic
I'm visiting family, and wow am I deep in autistic denial territory.

Some of my younger relatives have approached me, asking about neurodivergence because I've been so open about my experience as a late realised autistic person. They're wondering about themselves and their parents.

The older people though, are unable to have that conversation. There are jokey, sidelong half acknowledgements that "there might be something going on" with them, but otherwise it's High Masking At All Times.

What I find difficult to deal with is the rather toxic judgemental attitudes.

So-and-so relative is "so picky about his food, he thinks it makes him important" or "how ridiculous, he doesn't like the too bright light in the bathroom" and all the while I can see them struggling to deal with the exact same difficulties they're judging in others.

It's so ingrained, I don't know if there's a way for them to find self acceptance.

#ActuallyAutistic

nellie_m , 21 days ago

@JoBlakely @punishmenthurts @axnxcamr @Zumbador @actuallyautistic

…to change that in the people around me. As if giving them facts and good arguments would make them more rational. I see now that that’s impossible, and it’s sad to give up hope but also much less exhausting and frustrating to not have to try so hard anymore.

2/2

nellie_m , 21 days ago

@JoBlakely @punishmenthurts @axnxcamr @Zumbador @actuallyautistic

SAME.

I never doubted myself. I’ve often been confused why what I think is obvious doesn’t work with most people. I still don’t really get that. But I never wanted to be that way. Dr. Tony Atwood said about neurotypical people: „They are irrational! They are emotional!” And I realised that before discovering I’m autistic I spent a lot of my energy trying…

1/2

nellie_m , 21 days ago

@Zumbador @dpnash @actuallyautistic

I was born in the sixties, and until I was 48 I basically thought autism meant people who sit in a corner, staring blankly into space, rocking mechanically and with no capacity to communicate at all. Who on being spoken to wouldn’t even show a sign that they noticed your presence. Probably drooling, too!

So my journey of self-discovery was quite a trip, but today I think of autism as a badge of honour that says „not broken“ and I wear it with pride 💛

Richard_Littler , 22 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

It's summertime and, as is the tradition, all my neighbours' kids are outside screaming/shrieking relentlessly in a pitch that only dogs (and, as it turns out, autistics) can hear.
'Tis the season of the almighty noise-cancelling headphone.

#misophonia #autism
@actuallyautistic

nellie_m , 22 days ago

@Richard_Littler @actuallyautistic

Plus, it’s National Lawn Mower Day. Like every other Saturday.

18+ veroalgoz , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Good day! A recurring topic I read or I talk about with other autist and/or ADHD folks is the differential effect of medication (or drugs, mentioning just for precision and completeness), both in quantities (dosage) and quality (concrete effect).

for instance a lot of people take very small doses of Quetiapin (Seroquel) for sleeping in ammounts psychiatrists say "It can't even make a difference" (25mg per day, or even 1/4 of it). Off label of course, as Seroquel is usually an anti-psychotic medication, normal dosage starts at 400mg, or again off label as anti-depressive, at 150mg. Or some people take medikinet (ritalin) in sub-dosing - 1/4 or lower - quantities (usual min. dose 5mg). Effect seeked is the same, so not offlabel, but still interesting why this happens.

Do you have experiences to share (or gladly PM) or links I could learn more about this?

I would be also interested in effects on life-expectancy on taking these medications (or others you may mention) for decades.

Thank you in advance, have a nice day!

#actuallyautistic
#adhd #audhd

@actuallyautustic
@actuallyautistic
@actuallyadhd

18+ nellie_m , 1 month ago

@veroalgoz @actuallyautustic @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd @pathfinder

I have no personal experience but I remember Temple Grandin talking about a very, very small dose of an antidepressant that was a huge help regarding her anxiety. She had been taking it for decades and said she couldn’t have coped without it.