nellie_m

olena , 18 hours ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Do you guys also combine almost pathological conflict avoidance - and the brilliant talent to create a conflict out of nothing just trying to explain your point of view or to point out some factual error another person made while talking about your special interest?

I don’t defend myself, I don’t tell I don’t like something or that I see that I am being taken advantage of or being lied to, or that someone hurts me - I never raise a voice and tell that, or question them, or demand my rights and all - because I am terribly afraid on conflicts. Not even that I won’t be liked, or that there’s going to be some consequence or anything. Just a conflict itself. I’m scared even when there’s a conflict that doesn’t include me nearby, but even the shadow of an idea that something I may say may create a conflict makes me go silent, and just dodge and tolerate more, doesn’t matter how bad I feel.

But when just discussing something - I mean not something important, may be a birds name, a train route from 80-s, the way some thing works etc - any abstract staff that doesn’t correspond to my life in any way - especially when I clearly see the opponent is making the factual error or denying my actual experience with the topic - it does create a conflict, and people would say I am a conflicting person, I am the one who likes to just disagree and all.

Is that desire to avoid conflict at all costs - and the inability to actually spot when another person starts to see your discussion as a conflict - some #neurodivergent thing?
#autism
#AuDHD
#ADHD
@actuallyautistic

nellie_m , 17 hours ago

@olena @actuallyautistic @pathfinder

That second thing happens to me all the time, and my feeling is that while I was merely stating a fact (nothing to do with the person), my statement is taken as a personal insult. And I cannot see it coming because it can be anything.

I usually feel such emotional reactions say more about the upset person than me. If I was wrong, they could provide better info, but instead, they simply get angry. That’s a pretty poor argument 🙄

nellie_m , 11 hours ago

@olena @actuallyautistic @pathfinder

I often come to the conclusion that the difference between me and most other people (presumably NT) is that I’m always eager to learn. I enjoy learning. And often, it will lead to changes in my life and behaviours.

And most people I meet IRL primarily want to feel good. And keep going. Whatever facts would challenge that are dismissed. That’s why they don’t hear you. They don’t want to learn, and they don’t want changes.

pathfinder , 9 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

It's #AutismPride day.

Pride, is both a celebration and an affirmation of our existence. It is the latter for me that is all important. As someone who very late in life realised I was autistic, I had spent a lifetime knowing only that I was different, but not how. It was a hole in me that I couldn't fill, a sense of something missing, a lack that always felt more about how broken I was than anything. As a consequence it became something to hide, to mask and to be ashamed of. It was my dirty, dark secret and the core of my existence. The knowledge that no matter what, I was wrong and always would be.

Realising I was autistic, filled that hole. It taught me to see the difference as, if not always positive, at least natural and normal. I was never broken, I was just trying to function in the world in the way that was right for me. A world, that in so many ways, was hostile to that, unforgiving about difference and those who stood out too far. I had, in fact, been simply trying my best with the tools that I had, the tools that came naturally to me, even if no one else ever saw that.

Having a day to remember this. To remember the past and the pain and the blind struggle. To remember how far I've come and how much I've learnt and have yet to learn (because finally I can). To be able to stand out and say "yes, I am", is important not just for us, but others walking this path. For too long being autistic was a dark and terrible secret. For too long its truth has been hidden behind ignorance and misinformation. That is what days like this are for and why they are so important. To show the world that autism and being autistic, is nothing to hide and nothing to fear. Happy pride day everyone.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

nellie_m , 8 days ago

@DoctorDisco @pathfinder @actuallyautistic

Quentin Crisp once said something like (paraphrasing): you can’t be proud of being gay as if it were an achievement because it’s not something you’ve done - but you can be proud of not being ashamed of being gay.

And that’s how I understand all the pride days.

chevalier26 , 12 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic I’m in shock right now and feel like I could burst into tears…my parents and I are out at lunch, and my mom just asked me out of the blue, “what gives you joy?” And I said, “why are you asking me that?” She essentially responded by telling me that to her, I showed no evidence that I had any joy in my life, and that there is nothing that makes me happy.

I’m at a loss for words.

nellie_m , 12 days ago

@adelinej @chevalier26

Apologies for going somewhat off-topic, but if someone posts to the @actuallyautistic group, please don’t remove that reference in your reply.

Groups actively push replies to the accounts following them. It’s the only way for small instances (like mine) to get to see comments by accounts they don’t follow, and maybe their server never even federated with yet.

I learn so much from these threads and would like not to miss any of your thoughts!💛

nellie_m , 12 days ago

@chevalier26 @james @actuallyautistic

My mum is allistic, my dad is autistic. They’ve been together for a long time, and each one has shaped the other partner’s behaviour in the relationship.

They’re both different people if I meet them 1:1.

(I should add they’re in their 80s and have no clue what autism is, and I’m not going to break it to them. It doesn’t help that they both grew up in dysfunctional families and were heavily traumatised as kids.)

nellie_m , 12 days ago

@Susan60 @chevalier26 @james @actuallyautistic

I don’t think I’ve ever seen them happy together.

Coming from dysfunctional families, both traumatised from growing up between bombings, starvation and old-school educational ideas, all they wanted was peace and a happy family life, but they never learned how to do that.

So they couldn’t give it to us kids, either. If you don’t get to know healthy, you can’t return to it even when conditions become more favourable.

nellie_m , 11 days ago

@AnAutieAtUni @adelinej @chevalier26 @actuallyautistic

yes, all of this is very much okay of course. I sometimes even make replies a DM for that reason.

1/4

nellie_m , 11 days ago

@AnAutieAtUni @adelinej @chevalier26 @actuallyautistic

However, I do feel that a lot of people don’t understand that Mastodon doesn’t work like you describe:

“I’m usually fine if people find my comment via the original post’s comment list”

My point was: they won’t, unless at least 1 person on their server follows that account and so that server “knows” about it.

Please read that again.
2/4

nellie_m , 11 days ago

@AnAutieAtUni @adelinej @chevalier26 @actuallyautistic

Mastodon does not backfill threads. Unless a comment already reached your server, you’ll never get to see it. (this is why so often 10 people give the same answer - they never saw the other 9!)

3/4

nellie_m , 11 days ago

@AnAutieAtUni @adelinej @chevalier26 @actuallyautistic

And as I’m on a single user instance, I sit pretty much on a desert island. I’ll see your post if I follow you, but very often not a single reply.

Groups are a great way to let everyone in a conversation read all the replies. Just be aware of that 🙂 and by all means, use visibility options 💛

4/4

nellie_m , 11 days ago

@AnAutieAtUni @adelinej @chevalier26 @actuallyautistic

Here’s an example to illustrate this. A post from a pretty popular account with more than 7k followers. One screenshot shows the original page in the browser. I’m not logged in and can’t interact, but I can see all public and unlisted comments. There are a fair few, and it’s got lots of boosts and favs.

The other shows the comments I can see from my account: exactly zero. My server knows about 1 boost, no favs.

as described in post

nellie_m , 11 days ago

@AnAutieAtUni @adelinej @chevalier26 @actuallyautistic

Kudos to you for using this manual workaround for this flaw of Mastodon’s, it really wasn’t designed for small servers. Rochko himself opened a github issue in 2016 and it hasn’t been worked on since, in spite of people offering him ideas and time.

I hope it didn’t come off as disrespectful and oppressive when I asked to please keep the tag. And I did say all those reasons

1/2

nellie_m , 11 days ago

@AnAutieAtUni @adelinej @chevalier26 @actuallyautistic

are valid, and using visibility options is a good thing.

I also didn’t mean you specifically in my explanation. What I do hope is that maybe it was useful for some in understanding the side effects of removing the group tag.

The group only boosts to members. I often only fav and don’t boost group posts as that would reach all my followers outside of the group, too, and they’re often too personal for that.

catswhocode , 22 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic I'm curious, has anyone ever interpreted your infodumping as bragging? That happened to me on here a while ago - I was just talking about some trips I had taken or something, and the other person thought I was showing off 🙄 I think they were neurotypical.

nellie_m , 12 days ago

@Zumbador @miaoue @catswhocode @actuallyautistic

So familiar.

When I started reading about Asperger’s 15 years ago they still said autistic kids had “Little Professor Syndrome”. Which is both true and unkind.

It’s so odd that most people past a certain age seem to lose all curiosity and refuse to learn new things. Reject all things new and unfamiliar.

And then they shame us for staying interested in the wonders of the world, and call it a “delayed development”.

chevalier26 , 12 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic #actualyautistic How do y’all deal with people who say that autism doesn’t even exist, and that it “suddenly” cropped up over the past few generations because people have been “mentally coddled”? Somewhat in the same vein as “there is a diagnosis epidemic” but much more extreme.

nellie_m , 12 days ago

@chevalier26 @actuallyautistic

how do you deal with people who believe that the earth is flat?

I guess that’s a case of „shrug and move on“.

Some people just know everything, and arguing is simply a waste of precious life time.