miaoue

olena , 3 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

“Don’t assume, ask” - is the approach I share. However, there are many people to whom asking seems like something rude and inappropriate. And those people would assume.
The thing is, I am one of those people that usually can’t be accurately assumed: if you’d think a person that does this and this would also do that, the one who likes this and this would hate that and so on - most probably, I’d not follow that pattern. For that very reason I’ve been called ‘eclectic’, or less politely - ‘messy’, ‘illogical’, and all sorts of weird - most of my life, and for that very reason some people are kinda afraid of me: they can’t predict because their assumptions aren’t correct.
In turn, for me it’s very frustrating/confusing to see that someone is offended by me asking directly instead of assuming because all I want is to avoid any misunderstanding and clarify things.
I feel like #AuDHD is quite an eclectic thing per se(due to some #autism aspects looking from a certain point of view as opposite to those of #ADHD), so maybe that is the key to me being so, well, contradictory in eyes of other people.
I wonder, if that asking is just #autistic desire to have things clear and precise, or assuming/asking divide does not correspond to the NT/ND one
#neurodivergent
@actuallyautistic

miaoue , 3 days ago

@olena maybe the divide you're referring to is the same one as "ask" vs "guess" culture. https://therapyinanutshell.com/communication-skill/ i don't know how many, but there are also NT "ask" people, who prefer to ask rather than assume.

@actuallyautistic

chevalier26 , 5 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic Do y'all know if it's an autistic trait to be super skeptical of stuff? Like, for example, my parents watch some questionable "health" people on YouTube, and when they show me a video from said people, I can tell IMMEDIATELY that they are grifters in it for money. Idk what gives it away but it's like a flashing warning sign in my brain.

I wonder if it has to do with social influence and the effects of charisma/agreeableness that NDs might not fall for.

miaoue , 5 days ago

@chevalier26 maybe it's that people transmit information in various modes: on one channel the actual content of their words, and then also the nonverbal communication channel. sometimes it's the nonverbal mode that's supposed to do the persuading, by communicating a sense of authority, trustworthiness, or charm. but if you generally don't pick up that communication channel, and mainly pick up the words themselves, you can see through the persuasion layer to the literal content (which in this sort of situation is rather unconvincing).

@actuallyautistic

miaoue , 5 days ago

@pathfinder @chevalier26 i agree with you, and i think both tendencies connect to how we are drawn to the factual content of what people say and may not pick up on nonverbal content, including people's perspectives and intentions. i have trusted people who gave plenty of nonverbal indications that they were untrustworthy, but i didn't understand those signals, so i could only process the words they said, which didn't give me the full picture. it's a similar process when i'm not intimidated by someone signaling that they are an authority, but in that case, it works in my favor.

@actuallyautistic

chevalier26 , 7 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic Do any of y'all have EXTREME heat intolerance? It's like the older I get the more I can't put up with hot weather. I've always been very "hot-natured," prefer winter over summer, etc. but this year I think my intolerance has been the worst yet. Friends are telling me how it's peak summer weather (90 degrees is comfortable?!?) meanwhile I start sweating when it's 70+ degrees Fahrenheit outside. What gives?

miaoue , 7 days ago

@chevalier26 i'm both heat and cold intolerant , with a pretty narrow range where i don't need some sort of accommodation for the temperature.

thanks for giving me the opportunity to raise awareness yet again for air conditioning as a basic need for people with heat intolerance. during the day i can place cool packs on my body and drink cold water, but when i'm asleep at night i can't do so, and rely on air conditioning in my bedroom.

@actuallyautistic

chevalier26 , 7 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic Maybe y’all can help me with this question:

Over the past few months I have really been ruminating on what “masculinity” and “femininity” even are, and those terms are mostly defined by stereotypes. Like, I know I’m a woman but I’ve always felt like “just some guy.” I’ve never had dysphoria or anything, and I have a biblical understanding of sexuality, but cultural ideas about gender make no sense to me. All of this is so confusing. Any ideas?

miaoue , 7 days ago

@chevalier26 in my opinion/experience, gender is something internal and hard to define, and thus best to explore within yourself. most people address it from a few common frameworks, but if their paradigm doesn't make intuitive sense to you, i don't think it will give you answers about yourself. for me, i started exploring what gender means to me with lists of open ended questions like these: https://mindfulstl.com/questions-to-consider-when-exploring-your-gender-identity/

@actuallyautistic

tine_schreibt , 8 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group German

@actuallyautistic

So, the last few meals my husband cooked were super good, and I when I told him yesterday that he's on a streak of very above average cooking... He started to laugh and said that he changed his seasoning, and that the last meals that I loved so much only had granulated garlic and lovage salt in them.
I guess I should feel kind of insulted but I'm autistic and it makes sense that I prefer food that mostly just tastes like what's in it plus some umami?

miaoue , 7 days ago

@tine_schreibt i totally understand this... i eventually grew out of my beige foods only phase (like, after 18 years) and started to enjoy a wide variety of food. but i like to be able to taste the original flavor of things, and find it a bit overwhelming to have too many competing flavors.

@actuallyautistic

autism101 , 16 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Do you have any clothing routines? I own eight gray plain t-shirts with no tags which I love. I often will just wear them over and over again.

#AskingAutistics #ActuallyAutistic #AuDHD @actuallyautistic

miaoue , 15 days ago

@octonion my sympathies for the unfortunate demise of your clothing to the stinky washer!

i need unscented soap and laundry detergent too, not only because i can't bear the odor, but also most fragrance irritates my skin awfully. sometimes a medicated product that i need is scented... then i don't have much choice but to use it. that shouldn't be a thing!

@autism101 @actuallyautistic

hosford42 , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

This could be the connection between Ehlers-Danlos and neurodivergence. (People with EDS, like me, are 7 times as likely to be autistic and 5 times as likely to have ADHD -- also like me.)

Cartilage-Like Structures Key to Brain Plasticity - Neuroscience News
https://neurosciencenews.com/brain-plasticity-memory-cs6-26042/

#EDS
#EhlersDanlos
#autism
#ADHD
#AuDHD
#neurodivergence
#neurodiversity
@autistic[email protected]
@neurodivergence
@actuallyautistic
@eds

miaoue , 17 days ago

@hosford42 @cykonot i can't help but notice that if you have EDS, POTS, and MCAS you can easily score in the highest category on the "Beck Anxiety Inventory" even if you feel no anxiety on the emotional level. honestly i think there is some statistical invalidity lurking there - of course the group with more of the symptoms listed on the anxiety inventory will come out with a higher likelihood of anxiety. research into conditions that overlap with the physical "anxiety symptoms" should come up with a different way to assess anxiety, imo.

(next, if we want to get radical, we can discuss not categorizing all the conditions that share the physical symptoms of anxiety as "psychosomatic"....)

@autistic[email protected] @neurodivergence @actuallyautistic @eds

miaoue , 17 days ago

@androcat @Zumbador there are various definitions of psychosomatic. it could refer to

• physical manifestation of an illness that has a purely psychological cause
• physical illness that is strongly affected by psychological factors (i.e. provoked by stress)
• more broadly, an illness that involves the interactions of body and mind

personally i think that's too many definitions, to the point where any usage is at best unclear, at other times intellectually dishonest. it doesn't merit having a separate category for psychosomatic illnesses. arguably, by the latter definition, all illnesses would be in such a category.

@hosford42 @cykonot @autistic[email protected] @neurodivergence @actuallyautistic @eds

olena , 19 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Just was ‘diagnosed’ with anxiety today after talking to a psychiatrist for five minutes (I’m using quotes because it seems a bit too preliminary to me to diagnose whoever with whatever after about 5 minutes of general talk).
Came asking for #ADHD and #autism evaluation. Was totally ignored on that regard) Of course, didn’t have courage to ask again.

Was it so obvious? Was I just a walking stereotype: middle-aged woman from a war-thorn country living alone who voluntarily came to a psychiatrist(doesn’t matter what else she has, she can’t NOT be anxious)?
Or is it just a general experience of most of #AuDHD female-passing folks: to be seen as anxious, to have most of their symptoms attributed to #anxiety (not like I was asked about any symptoms, but maybe have demonstrated some?)?

@actuallyautistic

miaoue , 19 days ago

@olena i'm sorry to hear you had such cursory and dismissive treatment. five minutes is not enough to understand a person and come up with a psychiatric diagnosis. it has also happened to me that a doctor, not even a psychologist necessarily, spontaneously assesses me as having anxiety or depression based on their impression of me rather than a structured evaluation. it's not an appropriate way to diagnose people in my opinion.

@actuallyautistic

catswhocode , 22 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic I'm curious, has anyone ever interpreted your infodumping as bragging? That happened to me on here a while ago - I was just talking about some trips I had taken or something, and the other person thought I was showing off 🙄 I think they were neurotypical.

miaoue , 21 days ago

@catswhocode i'm told i come across as lecturing, or talking down to people because i know more than them. i really feel bad about that because i absolutely don't mean it that way. i'm trying to share something that brings me great joy, thinking maybe it will bring other people joy too.

@actuallyautistic

Zumbador , 25 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

Here's something that causes friction between me and my family.

Someone asks me to make a decision about something I don't have a strong preference, but they want me to have a preference.

"do you want x or y? "

Saying "I don't care" comes across as rude, and even softening it as "I don't really have a preference" or turning it back to them by saying "what do you think?" isn't appreciated. They want me to care.

I understand that they want me to choose so they don't have to do that emotional labour. That's fair. But often when I do choose (at random), they try to change my mind, and then I'm back to square one because I don't really care, and I don't want to lie!

A honest answer would be "I'm depressed, I don't want to exist. Putting on a polite face is taking up all my effort, expecting me to actually care is beyond my capacity"

But that's too heavy for most interactions.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, just writing it out.

#ActuallyAutistic

miaoue , 24 days ago

@Zumbador that sequence of behaviors makes me wonder if they aren't looking for your opinion per se but your participation in a discussion about it. some people seem to believe that a joint/group preference ought to be reached by discussion, with each participant arguing for their preferred option and persuading each other. saying you don't care or choosing arbitrarily is not cooperating with this process, so the person might find it frustrating.

@actuallyautistic

LehtoriTuomo , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

"It might not feel like it's an active step toward self-acceptance or authenticity, but coming to understand yourself as disabled is a pretty dramatic reframing of your life."

• Devon Price in Unmasking Autism

This sentence hits me hard. Haven't thought it using that wording. My internalized ableism screams. "I'm not disabled!" But I am. I need to digest this.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

miaoue , 1 month ago

@wilbr @bananamangodog "disabled" is not a bad word! no it doesn't need to change, and definitely not to the uncomfortable euphemism "differently abled". disabled advocates consistently argue in favor of the term "disabled", not only because it's unflinchingly truthful, but because it's become a term of identity. rather than divert to euphemisms because of the stigma against disability, advocates argue for using the existing term with pride. see some of their thoughts here:

https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/disabled-is-not-a-bad-word-stop-telling-people-with-disabilities-it-is-1.4857377
https://www.thevaluable500.com/spotlight/opinion-disabled-is-not-a-bad-word
https://disabilityrightsflorida.org/blog/entry/disability_is_not_a_bad_word
https://news.vanderbilt.edu/2019/04/23/disability-is-not-a-dirty-word-handi-capable-should-be-retired/

@LehtoriTuomo
@faithisleaping @actuallyautistic

theautisticcoach , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

How do my #ActuallyAutistic comrades react to their things being misplaced or moved?

#AskingAutistics @actuallyautistic

miaoue , 1 month ago

@theautisticcoach my brain doesn't seem to encode where things are unless i place them there myself. (sometimes not even then....) so if someone else moves something of mine, even with permission and explanation, it doesn't work for me and that item may seem to be lost. because the item's real world location won't match where i have placed it in my mental model. it's such a struggle because i'll even ask someone to help me tidy, but can't find anything they've arranged and get frustrated with them for helping.

@actuallyautistic

yourautisticlife , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

I think the evidence is mounting that in some circumstances I can be rather slow to process emotions.

Sometimes it is not until the day after something happened that I get angry. During this "something" I keep a placid demeanor. This demeanor is not a strategy or a conscious decision.

Then, the next day, I realize how this very thing gives rise to emotions, often anger.

I'm wondering if it relates to alexithymia. I'm not confused about what I feel, but the feeling may get delayed.

Or maybe it is a combination of:

• people pleasing,
• autistic inertia,
• alexithymia

Just thinking out lout about one of my characteristics here.

#ActuallyAutistic

miaoue , 1 month ago

@yourautisticlife i'm similar to you in this way. it can take a fairly long time for my emotions to appear in response to some provoking event, and also a long time for the emotion to recede once i am feeling it. a brief moment when someone made a hurtful remark to me might take me a day to process before i start to feel hurt and angry about it, and several more days to feel better again.

i'm not sure whether my experience would fall under alexithymia, because i feel my emotions very strongly and can label them in words, when i eventually feel them. i just process very differently than most. i wish i had a better term to explain that, because i think it makes a big difference in how i experience my life.

@actuallyautistic