janisf

pathfinder , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

Much to my shock I realised that I could be autistic when I was 53, roughly 7 years ago. And it was a shock, even though I suspect a very small, well hidden and very much ignored part of me, might have suspected. No one told me about it, or suggested that it might be the case. I did not see myself in relatives, the way so many of us do. I just happened to come across an autism test online and for no particular reason, took it.

It was that, that started me on my path to realising and finally accepting the truth that I was autistic. But, looking back, I sometimes find it hard to understand how I didn't know earlier. So much of my life now, just screams autism at me. But even ignoring the horribly ableist and medieval view I had of what autism was, the main reason why I didn't was probably because I could mask, both from myself and others, so well.

It was, I realise now, a life lived in denial. A denial of how much things bothered me, how much effort I had to put into things. Even a denial of the things I knew I couldn't do. Because this is the thing about appearing to mask so well, for so long. It is, in a sense, a lie. I couldn't mask well, if at all. Not all the time. Not in all situations or circumstances. There were things I just couldn't cope with, or even begin to deal with. But the trick was, that I either knew about them, or learnt the hard way about them and then I could manage my life to avoid them. Because they were things I could live without, without affecting how I appeared to be coping. Things that didn't affect the way I lived, even if they did affect my sense of worth. Because, how broken did you have to be, not to be able to go to crowded events, like a sports match, or a concert? Or to be able to deal with the socialising of a large gathering, or a family event, without having to hide in the kitchen, or forever outside, or break down in a toilet?

It was all part of how I masked myself from myself. The internal masking, as I like to call it. If I couldn't cope, then I was broken. If I couldn't stand something, then I was too picky, or sensitive, or I simply needed to learn to ignore it. And somehow I did learn. I learnt how to cope with noise and smell and visual overwhelm. I learnt to not let things bother me. To a point at least. There was always a step too far, when I couldn't, or didn't have the energy any more to maintain it. And this did take energy, a lot of it. Something I've only realising now that I don't have the energy to spare to even try it. Or the ability to, in many respects now that I know what I was trying so desperately to hide from.

Because when the truth is known, it's far harder to deny it. It's far harder to live the life where appearing to cope, is as good as coping. Where blaming yourself, is easier than seeing others faults. Where ignoring the pain, makes the pain go away. It's hard to see the mask as a benefit and always a good thing, rather than the shield and tool it always was.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

janisf , 1 month ago

@TheBreadmonkey @pathfinder @actuallyautistic It's a tough time, and it's OK to call it that.

It sounds to me like you've been struggling with yourself as if you've believed you're, as you put it, fundamentally broken. One thing the community has shown me is that in so many cases I was just trying to use the machine I've got for the wrong job, so to speak. My router is a terrible wood chipper.

Stay curious! There may not be an answer, but you can still make some beautiful things.

niamhgarvey , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Doctor suggested I have #ADHD but I don't think I do because:
I am able to force myself to do things even if I'm not interested in it.
I do not like spontaneity.
When I have a deadline, I cannot leave it to the last minute or anxiety would cripple me.
But I do struggle to pay attention unless am hyperfocused. And I do have executive function challenges. And I have to have a project. And I crave dopamine hits.

Anyone else similar to that?
@actuallyautistic
@actuallyadhd

janisf , 1 month ago

@woozle @niamhgarvey @pathfinder @dyani @Zumbador @miffyhelen @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd +1 on all of those.

On your second point, my kiddo's now in college about 6 hours from home-home, 9 in my Chevy Bolt with charging time. I now believe hitting up my library for a couple of audiobooks (they fully download on thier digital platform--no streaming, but there are other formats, too,) is now more important than packing my toothbrush.

janisf , 1 month ago

@woozle @niamhgarvey @pathfinder @dyani @Zumbador @miffyhelen @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

I have a thumb drive fulla music, but if I pick the right book, it's not one I would likely have read in print. The readers are fabulous performers. I love picking up subtle speech mannerisms or phrases that I wouldn't think to remember if it doesn't artfully come into my ears. it just feels productive for me. (Worng book, forget it.)

Jacqueline Woodson was my last. Really amazing work.

SaySimonSay , 1 month ago to ActuallyAutistic group

I keep going back to this situation in a previous job where the boss said that he'd invite us for a drink at the local funfair and give us the afternoon off if we joined him.

Everybody joined, so I did as well.

It was a hot summer day. The funfair was empty, but huge, noisy and overwhelming. Also, I hated the boss who egged us on to go on one of the rides. I would now say that I quickly reached my sensory threshold.

At some point, me and a coworker wandered off. We walked on until we reached the exit, then made the split-second decision to leave without saying goodbye.

The next day I was summoned by the boss and interrogated why I had left early without saying goodbye. Ashamed of myself, I mumbled some vague excuses.

I would try to handle the whole situation differently now, but back then I didn't know what was going on and I didn't have the right words. Am I still ashamed? Yeah, maybe a bit, but I'm trying to let myself off the hook. I just didn't know any better.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

janisf , 1 month ago

@pathfinder @SaySimonSay @actuallyautistic Do people really hold a meltdown against themselves?

janisf , 1 month ago

@Zumbador @pathfinder @SaySimonSay @actuallyautistic

Feeling just are, rational or not. You just kinda gotta move forward with whatever you've got.

Hugs (if you want). There are some people here who absolutely know what a meltdown is. https://wrongplanet.net/

Uair , 2 months ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

I can't remember the last time they let me stay asleep for a minute. Literally. I measure my sleep in seconds now.

janisf , 2 months ago

@Uair @actuallyautistic Who's they?