@james@bark.lgbt cover
@james@bark.lgbt avatar

james

@[email protected]

🐾 Artist (commissions open) 🐾 Musician

About me:
it/its/they/them - 30's - neurodivergent - queer - nb - 🇺🇸 - vegan - pretty much a cow

Topics I like:
animals - linguistics - old web - 90's nostalgia - music making - writing - cooking - philosophy - game design - environmentalism

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. View on remote instance

chevalier26 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@chevalier26@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic I’m in shock right now and feel like I could burst into tears…my parents and I are out at lunch, and my mom just asked me out of the blue, “what gives you joy?” And I said, “why are you asking me that?” She essentially responded by telling me that to her, I showed no evidence that I had any joy in my life, and that there is nothing that makes me happy.

I’m at a loss for words.

james ,
@james@bark.lgbt avatar

@chevalier26 @actuallyautistic I'm sorry she said that to you, that's a very hurtful assumption on her part.

My friend often pointed her finger back and forth between me and her when rejecting a statement like that, to emphasize agency. She'd say, "You cannot tell Me what I feel, or make assumptions about that"

I, being super literal, took ages to learn that emotional underpinnings affect outward behavior/language. A random question may have charged emotions under it, that the person for w/e reason has trouble verbally discussing directly.

If your mom is like mine, she may be worried she failed you & too emotionally on a razor edge to self reflect yet. That emotional chaos points outward and can cause her to insist that I address what she sees as shortcomings ... So that she feels better.

She didn't understand until a lot later on that A) these assumptions hurt B) I can't change everything, I'm autistic and enby, etc C) not to project how easy things are for her, onto me

Zumbador , to ActuallyAutistic group
@Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

@actuallyautistic

Here's something that causes friction between me and my family.

Someone asks me to make a decision about something I don't have a strong preference, but they want me to have a preference.

"do you want x or y? "

Saying "I don't care" comes across as rude, and even softening it as "I don't really have a preference" or turning it back to them by saying "what do you think?" isn't appreciated. They want me to care.

I understand that they want me to choose so they don't have to do that emotional labour. That's fair. But often when I do choose (at random), they try to change my mind, and then I'm back to square one because I don't really care, and I don't want to lie!

A honest answer would be "I'm depressed, I don't want to exist. Putting on a polite face is taking up all my effort, expecting me to actually care is beyond my capacity"

But that's too heavy for most interactions.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, just writing it out.

james ,
@james@bark.lgbt avatar

@Zumbador @actuallyautistic sorry if this is irrelevant- have you tried having a "meta" conversation (a conversation about how you talk)?

When I explained to my family that certain things they were doing were hard on me and made me uncomfortable or anxious, it seemed to motivate them to try different approaches. Better yet is when we can problem solve together.

Something like "hey is it a good time to talk to you about something bothering me?" If they consent, "remember when this Specific Situation came up, like it did earlier today? Im sure you didnt have bad intent, but i thought you should know that this kind of situation makes me really uncomfortable/anxious/etc because of This Reason. I don't want to be and I'm sure you don't want me to be either... So I'm thinking Proposed Solution would help, but maybe you have another idea?"

I did this about a super controversial topic with my mom and I was shocked it went well. Seemed to help that I believed in her (to some extent lol)

  • All
  • Subscribed
  • Moderated
  • Favorites
  • •
  • kbinchat
  • All magazines
    •