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dl2jml

@[email protected]

French radio-amateur living in Germany. I also keep bees, so you may see pictures of that too.

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Zumbador , to ActuallyAutistic group
@Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

@actuallyautistic

Here's something that causes friction between me and my family.

Someone asks me to make a decision about something I don't have a strong preference, but they want me to have a preference.

"do you want x or y? "

Saying "I don't care" comes across as rude, and even softening it as "I don't really have a preference" or turning it back to them by saying "what do you think?" isn't appreciated. They want me to care.

I understand that they want me to choose so they don't have to do that emotional labour. That's fair. But often when I do choose (at random), they try to change my mind, and then I'm back to square one because I don't really care, and I don't want to lie!

A honest answer would be "I'm depressed, I don't want to exist. Putting on a polite face is taking up all my effort, expecting me to actually care is beyond my capacity"

But that's too heavy for most interactions.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, just writing it out.

dl2jml ,
@dl2jml@mastodon.radio avatar

@actuallyautistic @Zumbador Often, they don't want you to choose, they just want to know your opinion about the options. This is why they try to change your choice afterwards. They want a discussion and find out what is the best common choice for the both of you.
Possibly, they are not 100% nice and there is a bit of a power struggle as well, but not necessarily.
In any case, the trick is to realize that they don't want you to choose, they want a discussion. (1/2)

dl2jml ,
@dl2jml@mastodon.radio avatar

@actuallyautistic @Zumbador So the actual process works in the following way:

  1. chose one option and give an external reason for it: e.g. "I chose pizza over pasta, because I had pasta yesterday". (I helps if you have a small list of bogus reasons prepared in advance: the weather, the price, what you did before, etc)
    2: when they come back with the other choice, ask them why their choice.
    3: randomly accept their choice, saying you understand or insist a bit on yours (2/2)
dl2jml ,
@dl2jml@mastodon.radio avatar

@Zumbador @actuallyautistic Well... you lost me at the implied difference between "conversation" and "discussion" here.
But yes: possibly, some want to be reassured about their choice. Others, as I said, are not honest and want a conflict they can win. Most, I think, simply want something like "common talk and we will get some empathic feeling about where everyone stands".
(1/2)

dl2jml ,
@dl2jml@mastodon.radio avatar

@Zumbador @actuallyautistic Since you wrote you are autistic, the "empathic feeling" is probably hard for you. But you can simply fake it by asking questions. It is not very difficult once you recognize what the process is about. (2/2)

dl2jml ,
@dl2jml@mastodon.radio avatar

@nellie_m @actuallyautistic @Zumbador Now that is interesting, but I don't have the time for a full discussion right now.
I don't know whether autistic people experience empathy just as I don't know whether non-autistic people experience empathy.
But I do know that they differ in their behavior or they would not be recognized as different by psychologists. (1/2)

dl2jml ,
@dl2jml@mastodon.radio avatar

@Zumbador @nellie_m @actuallyautistic The specific difference is what I was discussing here. In a group setting, some people will talk together and, from the common talk, experience some positive emotions of "group togetherness". There are some cultural differences, but it seems to be relatively common accros cultures.
Some people will find this task difficult. This is considered an autistic trait, I think. (2/2)

dl2jml ,
@dl2jml@mastodon.radio avatar

@actuallyautistic @Zumbador @nellie_m I thin autistics may even find it easier. Interpersonal interactions can be quite tricky for non-autistic people.

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