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Zumbador

@[email protected]

Masha du Toit, #writer of #ScienceFiction and #Fantasy, living in Cape Town, South Africa. #Autistic, Afrikaans, and #nonbinary šŸ™‚

Post about #ThingsISaw, am fascinated by #etymology, love #cycling, have pet #rats, fan of #criticalrole. #fedi22

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Susan60 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@Susan60@aus.social avatar

Someone sent this to me a while back & Iā€™ve only just got around to looking at it. (ADHD) Rang a lot of bells, & is no doubt another factor is late diagnosis.
@actuallyautistic

https://poweredbylove.ca/2017/11/21/atypical-autism-traits/comment-page-1/#comments

Zumbador ,
@Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

@Tooden @Susan60 @actuallyautistic

Absolutely. "Atypical" means "not in the DSM".

catswhocode , to ActuallyAutistic group
@catswhocode@mastodon.art avatar

@actuallyautistic Who posted that ADHD vs. autism chart? I found that really interesting but I can't seem to find the original post!

Zumbador ,
@Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

@catswhocode @actuallyautistic

This one? šŸ™‚

https://neurodivergentinsights.com/misdiagnosis-monday/adhd-vs-autism

olena , to ActuallyAutistic group
@olena@mementomori.social avatar

Do you guys also combine almost pathological conflict avoidance - and the brilliant talent to create a conflict out of nothing just trying to explain your point of view or to point out some factual error another person made while talking about your special interest?

I donā€™t defend myself, I donā€™t tell I donā€™t like something or that I see that I am being taken advantage of or being lied to, or that someone hurts me - I never raise a voice and tell that, or question them, or demand my rights and all - because I am terribly afraid on conflicts. Not even that I wonā€™t be liked, or that thereā€™s going to be some consequence or anything. Just a conflict itself. Iā€™m scared even when thereā€™s a conflict that doesnā€™t include me nearby, but even the shadow of an idea that something I may say may create a conflict makes me go silent, and just dodge and tolerate more, doesnā€™t matter how bad I feel.

But when just discussing something - I mean not something important, may be a birds name, a train route from 80-s, the way some thing works etc - any abstract staff that doesnā€™t correspond to my life in any way - especially when I clearly see the opponent is making the factual error or denying my actual experience with the topic - it does create a conflict, and people would say I am a conflicting person, I am the one who likes to just disagree and all.

Is that desire to avoid conflict at all costs - and the inability to actually spot when another person starts to see your discussion as a conflict - some thing?



@actuallyautistic

Zumbador ,
@Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

@olena @actuallyautistic

The desire to avoid conflict at all cost is, I think, a consequence of being traumatised in particular ways because of being neurodivergent. And not all neurodivergent people experience the same type of trauma, or respond to that trauma by becoming conflict avoidant, hypervigilant and people pleasers.

But I certainly have!

At the moment I'm dealing with it by opting out of any discussions that become too heated, and the consequence of that is that I'm being told I'm "Too passive" šŸ˜‘šŸ™„

AnAutieAtUni , to ActuallyAutistic group
@AnAutieAtUni@beige.party avatar

ADHD assessment done. Hi šŸ‘‹ Iā€™m officially AuDHD. What the flip.

No idea how I feel about this yet. May take a few days. Feel VERY sensitive about this right now so please be kind in the replies. Not sure whether to cry, be happy, relieved, or just overwhelmedā€¦ Iā€™ll settle for a few silent expletives and going non-speaking for a while (days?).

(P.S. Self identifying is valid. I had just realised I may as well self identify regardless of the assessment outcome, but Iā€™m someone who needed this second opinion by a qualified clinician. My self dxā€™s of autism and ADHD have both proved to be accurate.)

@actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic

Zumbador ,
@Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

@AnAutieAtUni @actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic

Not surprised you're feeling a bit rattled and vulnerable. That's a huge thing to process, even if you weren't taken by surprise.

Be extra kind and patient with yourself over the next few days. And you probably already know this, but many people have an attack of imposter syndrome just after getting an official diagnosis ("maybe I was trying to influence the outcome?") so be ready for that. It's just part of working your way through all of this stuff, a normal reaction to a confusing situation.

Zumbador ,
@Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

@AnAutieAtUni @actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic

It really does take time! But so interesting to discover this whole new way to understand oneself.

autism101 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@autism101@mstdn.social avatar

Autistic folk often have a lot of other stuff they are dealing with. You can think of it as ā€œAutism andā€¦ā€ because that is the reality for most of us.

Here is a list of ā€œsomeā€ of the more common ones.

@actuallyautistic

A mind map illustration of autism and its many related conditions. The words "Autism and..." are at the center. * Deafness * Selective Mutism * Dsygraphia * Dyslexia * Aphantasia / SDAM * DCD * SIB * Depression * Intellectual Disability * Sensory Issues * Tinnitus * ADHD * Anxiety * Sleep Disorders * OCD * Epilepsy * GI Issues * Hypermobility / Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome * Tourette Syndrome * Nonverbal Learning * Immune Disorders
ALT
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    • Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @GarryTheThird @autism101 @actuallyautistic

    There are strong correlations between being autistic and having an auto immune disease

    You can read about it here
    https://neurodivergentinsights.com/blog/autism-and-health-issues?rq=Auto

    chevalier26 , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @chevalier26@mastodon.social avatar

    @actuallyautistic How did y'all discover which parts of yourself were masking and which parts are genuine? Or, figuring out when you are masking in the moment it happens? Sometimes I feel off in certain scenarios but I can never pinpoint what is masking and what isn't. Any advice or resources would be appreciated!

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @chevalier26 @actuallyautistic

    I don't find "masking" to be a helpful term, although I use it myself.

    I don't think that there's a genuine me and a mask. I change depending who I'm with, and some ways of being are more painful, some feel more right. There might be multiple ways of feeling right.

    This might be because I'm late realised, so I've spent decades forcing myself to behave against my nature, so some of that has become my genuine nature, like a tree forced to incorporate the wires wound around it in its shape.

    Some things I have identified as harmful masking:

    • Being self deprecating about my special interest.

    • Conciously making myself less intense

    • Pretending to agree with people when I actually don't

    • Making my face and voice expressive so I don't seem angry

    • Suppressing stimming

    olena , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @olena@mementomori.social avatar

    Just realized that spending time with people I know, including - no, especially! - family, drains me out so much not because of all the activities, noise, planning and plans being neglected and all those things, but because of masking. Like, 95% of my energy goes to masking, to staying within acceptable range. Internalizing the meltdown that happened because of being overwhelmed takes more energy than actually dealing with being overwhelmed. Having plans established when I offered going without a plan, than changed, than cancelled, than uncancelled, than changed again and the day ruined is hard, but being smily and kind and attentive, and fun and creative after that is much more draining.
    I know why most of us hate being observed: because if observed, we have to mask harder - so instead of doing the task itself and dedicating all of us to it, we have to use a lot of energy to constantly control the way weā€™re perceived to make sure the mask didnā€™t slip.




    @actuallyautistic

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @pathfinder @olena @actuallyautistic

    I'm feeling this so intensely right now.

    We're visiting family, and both myself and my husband are struggling.

    The family want us to enjoy ourselves, it's coming from a place of love, but family are high masking unacknowledged ND neither of us feel safe to unmask.

    I'm feeling so guilty right now because yesterday was spent in an internalised anxiety spiral fighting of overwhelm during a family trip I repeatedly said I didn't want to go on. And I'm worried they think I'm sulking.

    I know I could have refused point blank, but that hurts their feelings and I feel terrible about that too.

    I don't think they realise how difficult they make it to "just say what you want" when you're constantly getting signals that saying no is not acceptable.

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @Susan60 @pathfinder @olena @actuallyautistic I guess there's a moment where I have to trust that people will hear what I've got to say, in good faith. If they can't, there's nothing I can do about it, but never sharing my needs, I'll never give them the chance to accept me.

    dyani , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @dyani@social.coop avatar

    How would you explain to someone who is neurotypical (a nice one who wants to understand) what body doubling is and why it's helpful and sometimes even necessary for overwhelming tasks?

    I've had to describe this to my very lovely NT friend and my explanation sucked lol. Pls help.

    @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @dyani @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

    I would say something like,

    Body doubling is when you do something with someone else, without direct interaction. For example, both of you working on your laptops in the same room, but you're not talking to one another much, or directly helping one another, just aware what the other person is doing.

    You might be doing different things (one person fixing something, one person cleaning something).

    It helps because you're both creating a sense of "this is a place and time where things get done" but you don't have to spend any energy worrying about social interaction, whether you're saying the right thing, or your work being judged.

    It helps with Autistic and ADHD inertia, when it can be really difficult to just start working, and to stay in the zone.

    Another person just being there, doing things, makes it easier to start working too.

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @EVDHmn @dyani @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

    I think they are the same, just "work" and "play" contexts.

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @dyani @wakame @emmaaum @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

    Something else I don't often see mentioned, is that you probably can't successfully body double with just anyone.

    I'm not sure whether it requires trust, or vibes, or what exactly, but it works better with some people than others

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @dyani @wakame @emmaaum @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

    "It took going to therapy and uprooting my stressors to get rid of that and now I have less sensitivity to external demands!"

    This is what I need in my life!

    niamhgarvey , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @niamhgarvey@mastodon.ie avatar

    Trying to pack for a with a house full of is its own kind of torture.

    Between everyone needing their own ritualised items they can't cope without (eg pillows, random stuff) and everyone interrupting everyone elses train of thought and therefore everyone forgetting what they are on their way to get, and then forgetting what is and isn't packed.

    My brain feels as though it is actuslly wobbling on verge of explosion.

    @actuallyautistic
    @actuallyadhd

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @niamhgarvey @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

    OMG I know this pain

    DoomsdaysCW , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @DoomsdaysCW@kolektiva.social avatar

    So, it's cool enough that I finally have the urge to put on my zippered hooded sweatshirt again. Part of my involves being comfortable with fabric against my skin -- and not having that (and having to wear short sleeve shirts) has been unbearable. That means it's way too hot for me.
    cc: @actuallyautistic

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @moz @CatDragon @DoomsdaysCW @actuallyautistic

    I'm fairly used to heat, because of living in Durban for a long time. Cape Town (where my home is now) gets hot too, but it cools down at night. Durban doesn't cool down.

    I worked in a foundry when I was in Durban and it was intense. I had to learn to manage the heat as I couldn't afford to be overwhelmed all the time. I was living alone and didn't know anyone there, and had hardly any money.

    Air conditioning made things worse for me. You always have to leave the air conditioned space at some time, and then the contrast is so bad the heat feels even worse.

    Wearing hardly any clothes, staying out of the direct sun, not being active during the hottest parts of the day (not always possible), avoiding being in cars.

    chevalier26 , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @chevalier26@mastodon.social avatar

    @actuallyautistic Maybe yā€™all can help me with this question:

    Over the past few months I have really been ruminating on what ā€œmasculinityā€ and ā€œfemininityā€ even are, and those terms are mostly defined by stereotypes. Like, I know Iā€™m a woman but Iā€™ve always felt like ā€œjust some guy.ā€ Iā€™ve never had dysphoria or anything, and I have a biblical understanding of sexuality, but cultural ideas about gender make no sense to me. All of this is so confusing. Any ideas?

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @chevalier26 @actuallyautistic

    Recently, there's been more recognition that both cis and trans people experience diffences in "gender valence", that is, how strongly aware we are of a gender identity.

    It's a spectrum from no gender valence (agender people) to strong gender valence, where the person knows without a doubt that they are a woman, a man, nonbinary, or whatever their gender identity is.

    This spectrum is not corrolated to whether you're cis or trans.

    A cis person might have a weak sense of gender identity, but be perfectly willing to accept the gender assigned to them at birth. Or they might be very sure of their gender identity.

    The same is true for trans people. We might be unable to say what our gender identity is and just know what we're not. Or we might have a strong sense of what we are.

    You get to decide what you are. You might change over time, you might always feel uncertain. No one else can tell you what you "really" are. Move towards what gives you joy.

    spika , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @spika@neurodifferent.me avatar

    One of the things I find myself struggling with a lot as an autistic person with an autistic partner is how often there are moments where I do not honor my own needs or preferences because they seemingly conflict with my partner's needs and preferences, and how it feels easier to mask my discomfort than to express a different preference and potentially provoke unnecessary dysregulation and conflict.

    On the rare occasion I do speak up and we try things my way and it fails miserably because it isn't his way, I get so disappointed and upset that he's unable to be as flexible as I force myself to be for him and his sensory needs, and wish we'd never tried doing it my way in the first place.

    This doesn't exactly feel healthy to me, but I'm not really sure how to interpret what I feel either.

    @actuallyautistic

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @spika @actuallyautistic

    Does he make you feel as if your needs are irrational?

    "why are you making such a big deal about this?"

    As if you could just decide to stop needing something or feeling certain emotions?

    Or are those feelings coming from yourself?

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @spika @actuallyautistic

    "he starts to compare it aloud to every time a neurotypical has gotten overwhelmed and lost their temper at him"

    That's not okay.
    He needs to find an alternative way to channel his overwhelm.

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @spika @actuallyautistic

    This is what I've learned from a similar situation:

    As you know, it's bad for a relationship if there's a significant imbalance in how much each of you compromises in favour of the other person.

    It's normal for there to be some imbalance, but not if it's always the same person who has to ignore their own needs over a long time period.

    If you're always putting yourself last, you'll start resenting him, and that's corrosive to the relationship. And of course, it's not fair to you!

    Communication is vital. He has to know what you need, so that he can look after you.

    You have to claim your needs to yourself as well. "Because I want to" or "because I don't like that" are complete sentences. No need to justify. You are allowed to avoid doing something because it's upsetting, and for no other reason.

    1/2

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @spika @actuallyautistic

    2/2

    Part of the communication is checking that both of you know what one another's needs are, and also that both of you are aware what the other person is already doing.

    For example, he might tell you that he's already accommodating you because he doesn't do x, or sometimes does y.

    You might still say that's not enough, or doesn't actually help you, and that he needs to do more, but then you at least know that from his point of view, he's doing something for you. And you can acknowledge that, and say "but what I actually need is z"

    Otherwise both of you get frustrated with one another, "I do so much and they don't even acknowledge it!"

    Does that make sense?

    AnAutieAtUni , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @AnAutieAtUni@beige.party avatar

    Question for autistics: What did you do to celebrate or mark the occasion when you found out youā€™re autistic?

    Context:
    Many people find the discovery that theyā€™re autistic is very helpful for them, even liberating, as they can now learn more about themselves and their needs, etc. Feelings toward it are usually quite complex, not simple, but lots of people have said they celebrated when they discovered theyā€™re autistic because overall, it is a positive thing. Some autistic people mark the anniversary and have a mini celebration in their own way each year.

    My answer to the question:
    Although cakes are popular, I decided to do something longer lasting and more special to me. There is an artist who paints nature scenes with animals and I saw a beautiful limited edition print by her up for sale. I rarely ever buy pictures like this as I simply donā€™t have the spare cash, but the picture reminds me of myself and my love of nature and animals, and reminds me of the parts of myself I kept hidden for so long. It now hangs on my wall at home for me to see every day. I may not be openly autistic (yet) but I do want to be openly myself in other ways like being open about what brings me joy - and this painting keeps reminding me of that.

    @actuallyautistic :neuro:

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic

    That's such a lovely, and fitting celebration!

    My self realisation happened relatively quickly, but still over several weeks, so I don't have a definite date that I can celebrate. "More or less in August /September" is the closest I can get.

    But I like the idea of finding a way to express this particular joy.

    MuppetRat , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @MuppetRat@tech.lgbt avatar

    @actuallyautistic My autism doesn't make me disabled, SOCIETY makes me disabled.
    šŸ¤”

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @magicalgrrrl @MuppetRat @actuallyautistic

    To be fair, MuppetRat speaks only about their own experience, not about all autistic people

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @pa @magicalgrrrl @MuppetRat @actuallyautistic

    No argument from me!

    chevalier26 , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @chevalier26@mastodon.social avatar

    @actuallyautistic Earlier today I had a conversation/argument with my mom about the mountain laurel tree that is outside my bathroom window at our cabin, which she insisted was NOT a mountain laurel. I said, if you saw mountain laurel flowers would you recognize them? And she said yes, so I showed her photos of the one next to the house and she affirmed that it was a mountain laurel until I told her it was indeed the tree next to the house šŸ«  canā€™t ever win.

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @chevalier26 @actuallyautistic that seems like it should be a slam dunk to me šŸ˜…
    Oh dear.

    chevalier26 , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @chevalier26@mastodon.social avatar

    @actuallyautistic It really bothers me when I tell my friends or family about something that upset me, or an incident that made me feel embarrassed/humiliated and they respond in a way that makes me feel even more upset, embarrassed, and humiliated. Things like ā€œhow did you even do that? šŸ˜‚ā€ or ā€œthatā€™s not even a big dealā€ donā€™t help and make me feel even worse. It feels a bit like clapping at a waiter/waitress when they drop a plate.

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @chevalier26 @actuallyautistic

    That would upset me too.
    You're being vulnerable and they poke at you for some reason. Some people can't help themselves, it's almost as its an automatic reaction.

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @Jobob

    Yes similar to the thing where people tease or playfully insult one another to show acceptance. It can be hard to take.

    @chevalier26 @actuallyautistic

    undefined_variable , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @undefined_variable@mementomori.social avatar

    @actuallyautistic Opinions and advice welcomed. Of social media, I'm only here on fediverse. And I've been mostly inactive, due to various reasons. It hasn't served me well, one could say. Probably mostly because I didn't tailor stuff for myself, but followed all those "You're new to Mastodon, here's what you should do" posts. (As a sidenote, if you're neurospicy, don't follow such things in general. Utilize yes, get ideas yes, but they are not meant to be followed!)

    Now I'd like (read need, for personal reasons) to get more active, but specifically within the neurodivergent community. So what is an AuDHDer to do?

    Ditch this withered generalist account of mine (I'd need to tear it down and start from scratch anyways at least) and hop on some ND instance but still stay on fedi?
    Hop over to Bluesky and but just follow other ND folks?
    Discord, Ceiling Cat forbid?
    Something else?

    Like, what has worked best for you, to connect to peers in this kind of setting? What would you recommend? What would you advice against? Mind you, I'm one of those "grew old but didn't grew up" spicyheads so... Yeah, there's that too.

    Halp, please!

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @undefined_variable @actuallyautistic I've been posting to this @actuallyautistic and using the hashtag here on mastodon.

    Which instance you are on makes some difference but not a lot (in my opinion) if you're on an instance with a lot of like-minded people you'll see their posts on your local stream, and it's more likely that you'll see more like-minded posts in your "federated" stream. So it does give you a bit of a boost in terms of seeing posts you might like. But not as much as following the group and the hashtag, and gradually building up a good home stream by following people you enjoy reading.

    I used to be on some Reddit autism groups but I found those quite fighty so not good for me. r/autisminwomen and r/autism were the main ones I used to visit.

    I wouldn't worry too much about changing your current account (if you mean your past posts?) just start as you mean to go on, if that makes sense.

    aspiedan , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @aspiedan@neurodifferent.me avatar

    Recently my daughter (14) opened up about how she feels and is. Long story short, I have reached out to UK mental health services (CAMHS) and the school, and am now likely on a waiting list for ages. She has anxiety, panic, hearing voices, and also presents many spectrum signs. Does anyone have any resources to help give her reasurance / advice, or help narrow down possibile diagnosees to help me signpost her to relevant resources? I and my son (her brother) are also ASD, but she does not find the same strategies helpful. Sorry for so many words, but thanks for reading @actuallyautistic

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @aspiedan @actuallyautistic

    About the "hearing voices" aspect, many people find that alarming but it's not necessarily something to be concerned about.

    You may find this resource helpful https://neurodivergentinsights.com/autism-infographics/hallucinations-and-autism

    quinze , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @quinze@tech.lgbt avatar

    Heya @actuallyautistic folks, do we have a Prime Directive around undiagnosed folks?

    Trans folks have the Egg Prime Directive: don't tell someone they might be trans, because it's conter-intuitive in most cases (pushing people deeper into the closet).

    As I disclose my diagnosis to people close to me, an unsurprising amount of them resonate with my experience and ask me whether I think they might be. I refuse to answer but share resources and offer to reply to questions about my personal experience.

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @quinze @actuallyautistic

    This is such a complicated topic.

    One reason I don't tell people that I think they are autistic, is because that makes me and my relationship with them part of their self realisation.

    Instead of simply dealing the question "am I autistic", now they have an additional tangle to unravel of "Zumbador is convinced I'm autistic, how will they react if I decide I'm not?"

    Anyone with demand avoidance will be likely to dig in their heels and disagree with my opinion about their autism, simply because they don't feel safe being steered by me.

    But I also don't think it's necessary to go out of your way to hide any hint that you think someone else might be autistic.

    Depending on the person, you could tell someone that you wonder if they might be autistic. As long as you make it clear that you don't think you already know the answer.

    snoopy_jay , to ActuallyAutistic group German
    @snoopy_jay@mastodon.world avatar

    @actuallyautistic To those who do not (!) have children: Is family important to you? I can not say that my family has mistreated me in any way or not accepted me the way I am, and yet I am drifting away further and further every year. I think I haven't seen any of them in, like, 7 years? I think I just don't like spending time with humans, related or not? šŸ«„

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @snoopy_jay @actuallyautistic I'm not sure.
    I find family stressful, but I try to maintain relationships nevertheless. I have been fantasizing a lot about just cutting ties lately. Sometimes when I spend time with my siblings, for example, it's good because of shared background and vibes, but often it's also frustrating.

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @snoopy_jay @AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic

    I think I have similar feelings.

    I will find myself wondering wether I should make more of an effort to get on with a relative, simply because the person is a relative, and it doesn't really make sense to me.

    I wonder if there's a suppressed or hidden part of me that would regret it if I let the relationship go. But I don't know if there is.

    LehtoriTuomo , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @LehtoriTuomo@mementomori.social avatar

    I came to a fast food place I haven't visited in ages. I was delighted that my favorite spot at the far end corner was not taken. Nobody else is in the neighbor tables so I'm alone in this small area. Then it hit me: this is another autism thing. In this spot there's the minimum amount of distractions in this whole place.

    @actuallyautistic

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic Absolutely. Also the ritual of the same space, and the known place. No dysregulating surprises or mystery rules about interactions.

    Susan60 , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @Susan60@aus.social avatar

    I watched the first episode of this yesterday. I started watching Love on the Spectrum before I self-realised, but unsurprisingly, became irritated by the way people were infantilised. I did like Michael however & I think this show has promise. šŸ¤žšŸ¼@actuallyautistic

    https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-06-06/michael-theo-stars-in-new-abc-drama-comedy-austin/103937648?utm_source=abc_news_app&utm_medium=content_shared&utm_campaign=abc_news_app&utm_content=other

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @Susan60 @skyfire747 @actuallyautistic

    I also watched the first season before I self-realised. I liked some aspects, but the dates were excruciating to watch, so intrusive and contrived.

    autism101 , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @autism101@mstdn.social avatar

    Do you have any clothing routines? I own eight gray plain t-shirts with no tags which I love. I often will just wear them over and over again.

    @actuallyautistic

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @octonion @autism101 @actuallyautistic

    I have nonscented laundry detergent, and I often wash my clothes with water only. I use unscented soap. Shampoo is more difficult, but I find a scent I can tolerate.

    Some soap scents, like almond, make me nauseous, and I can't have "normal" soap in my house at all, I can smell it in every room. I've found a completely unscented soap that works for me.

    I also try to find unscented dish washing solution and only use household cleaning solutions when I really have to, most cleaning I use dilute vinegar, or water, or small quantities od unscented soap.

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @octonion @autism101 @actuallyautistic

    Am staying with family, and their laundry detergent is so stinky! I put in only a tiny amount, but still had to rinse everything again.

    And they put my water bottles in the dishwasher, so I had to soak those in diluted vinegar to get rid of the overpowering detergent taste šŸ˜£

    pathfinder , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @pathfinder@beige.party avatar

    @actuallyautistic

    I often describe myself as a minimal speaker. It's because whilst I can speak, unless seriously overwhelmed, I vastly prefer not to. In large part, this is because the effort of speaking, and it is, more often than not, a real effort for me, rarely seems worth it. Since realising I am autistic, I have come to realise why this could be and also why communicating on here is so much easier and not just because it's text, because I struggle with that elsewhere too.

    Language, whether text or verbal, is communication. Whether that be communicating thoughts, or feelings. Expressing emotions, or ideas. It is the medium and not the source. The source is where these things are coming from and it is what shapes our use of the medium and therefore in large part the assumptions we make about how others are using it and therefore the likely success of any communication.

    Enter the double-empathy theory and the general acknowledgement that autism is a fundamental difference in the ways in which our brains work, often exampled by describing it as a different operating system. It means that whilst I am using the same language to talk with allistics, how we're both using it, the ends and purpose, even the nature of the information being transmitted, can often be fundamentally different.

    An example I have used, is to compare it to a foreign language speaker with a reasonable understanding of the local language, but having to work incredibly hard to keep up with a conversation and having to constantly check their translations and whether or not they were making the right replies and not offending anyone. But to be truly accurate, you would also have to add in a cultural divide, a root level difference in the expectation and assumptions they are making about life and how this was also shaping their communication.

    This, I think, is why speaking has always been so hard for me. Why it's always been so much of an effort and often without point. It's not that I am speaking a foreign language, or that my words themselves can't be understood. But that the information I am attempting to convey and the intended purpose of that information, is so far out of phase with the expectations of those around me, that miscommunication, confusion and the all too familiar fallout becomes almost inevitable. It's also why speaking here is so much easier.

    Effective communication is more than just using the right words, it's about realising the intent and purpose behind those words. About understanding where someone is coming from as much as what they are trying to say. And that, as the saying goes, takes two to tango.


    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @AnAutieAtUni @pathfinder @actuallyautistic "One reason I suspect I might have ADHD is I have impulses to speak when I absolutely donā€™t want to and have even decided on that beforehand."

    Yes! This happens to me and it's caused some really bad fights with my husband. And I can understand it from his point of view, because I'll blurt out (oh god I'm actually struggling to write this because it's really embarrassing) a punchline for a joke he's busy telling.

    I KNOW I shouldn't. I decide before hand I shouldn't, and in a way I think that makes it worse because my brain is going DON'T SAY THAT THING so loudly that my mouth goes "THAT THING!!!!!"

    Zumbador , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @actuallyautistic

    I'm trying to figure out something about dealing with /avoiding conflict.

    When I'm in conflict with someone, I'll often avoid confronting them, because I don't trust them. I might like them, but I don't trust their ability to respond appropriately.

    I find that honest conversations mean making myself vulnerable to some extent, and if someone has hurt me, or is annoyed with me, it doesn't feel safe to be that vulnerable.

    I reserve conversations like that for people who are very close to me, that I trust, like my husband and my father.

    I usually hide my anger and annoyance, because it feels like they don't deserve to see my honest emotions.

    But I don't think this is a healthy strategy.

    Zumbador OP ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @dyani

    Yes this goes to the heart of it. This is a very useful framing.

    @pathfinder @actuallyautistic

    Zumbador OP ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @dyani @pathfinder @actuallyautistic I'm coming back to this article, @dyani as I think there's something very important here but I'm not quite understanding it yet.

    It's something like - take a situation that's difficult because I'm autistic. Then imagine it being not difficult, without my being any less autistic in that scenario.

    So for example, a relative takes offense at something I'm saying because they read tone and meaning that's not there. So now I'm angry and anxious because I know I need to be clear in my communication, but I'm worried that they'll read that as being "too blunt" or "angry" or whatever.

    So I need to imagine that I am clear, and say what I mean. If that person reacts badly, that's on them, I'll deal with it if it happens.

    Something like that?

    Zumbador OP ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @dyani @pathfinder @actuallyautistic Hmmm. OK. I'd not considered B, I think that bit is important.
    And in order to do this whole thing, I first need to be clear what is in my control, and what is not, and focus only on things that I can actually do something about.

    That lesson, about "only focus on what I can control" was a big breakthrough in dealing with my anxiety, but it seems I constantly have to learn it over an over again, I keep falling into the same patterns again.

    Zumbador , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @actuallyautistic

    Here's something that causes friction between me and my family.

    Someone asks me to make a decision about something I don't have a strong preference, but they want me to have a preference.

    "do you want x or y? "

    Saying "I don't care" comes across as rude, and even softening it as "I don't really have a preference" or turning it back to them by saying "what do you think?" isn't appreciated. They want me to care.

    I understand that they want me to choose so they don't have to do that emotional labour. That's fair. But often when I do choose (at random), they try to change my mind, and then I'm back to square one because I don't really care, and I don't want to lie!

    A honest answer would be "I'm depressed, I don't want to exist. Putting on a polite face is taking up all my effort, expecting me to actually care is beyond my capacity"

    But that's too heavy for most interactions.

    I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, just writing it out.

    Zumbador OP ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @actuallyautistic
    Continuing my question about negotiations with family, since I got such useful answers.

    (Ironically given my earlier post about ask vs guess culture, I think this is a guess culture thing)

    This is a pattern I see in my family. This is not a Neurotypical vs Neurodivergent thing since everyone is some version of ND.

    1 - Everyone avoids saying what they want directly, because they don't want to override what everyone else wants.

    2 - Everyone knows everyone else is doing 1. So they don't believe what people are saying, they think there's a hidden level of "what you really think" and that their guess about this is accurate.

    3 - People get annoyed with one another for either stating, or appearing to have needs, either real or assumed. They feel they can't say no, and everyone should avoid placing them in a position of being forced into saying no (because saying no is selfish!), or forced into saying yes (because they want to say no!)

    Aargh!

    Zumbador OP ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @actuallyautistic

    The word limit got to me so I didn't include the question: Is it possible to have respectful and kind interactions when one party is behaving like this and the other is trying to step out of this behaviour?

    I know the answer is some version of "you can't control what others do or feel, try to control only that which is yours to control, your own actions"

    But is it possible to be kind when breaking this unspoken contract without acknowledging its existence?

    Because acknowledging its existence seems to be the greatest taboo of them all.

    Zumbador OP ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @nellie_m @actuallyautistic That sounds fantastic. I'm going to see if I can get hold of it.

    Zumbador OP ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @james @actuallyautistic I have had some success with Meta conversations like this with my husband - and I find it works best if I can find a time when we're both calm and not in the middle of a conflict or misunderstanding.

    But that's based on decades of working through stuff together and knowing that if things blow up, we can come back together again so I feel safe with him.

    But this is not the case with the rest of the family. And crucially, I think, they're his family so I think this is his conversation to have, not mine.

    I hadn't really thought about that before so that was a useful question to ask myself, thanks.

    Zumbador OP ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @alexisbushnell @actuallyautistic Yes! RSD and Demand Avoidance both.

    Zumbador OP ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @Susan60 @actuallyautistic

    Absolutely. Take high masking, add some trauma, mix in a little bit (it's never a little bit) of Autistic preserveration and boom, you have a communication problem.

    Zumbador OP ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @dweebish @actuallyautistic

    Exhausted just thinking about it!

    hosford42 , to ActuallyAutistic group
    @hosford42@techhub.social avatar

    This could be the connection between Ehlers-Danlos and neurodivergence. (People with EDS, like me, are 7 times as likely to be autistic and 5 times as likely to have ADHD -- also like me.)

    Cartilage-Like Structures Key to Brain Plasticity - Neuroscience News
    https://neurosciencenews.com/brain-plasticity-memory-cs6-26042/








    @autistic[email protected]
    @neurodivergence
    @actuallyautistic
    @eds

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @miaoue

    Miaoue I see that "psychosomatic" can be defined as "a psychological condition that leads to physical symptoms with no other medical explanation"

    So there's no acknowledgement of the physiological causes of anxiety (and depression)? Like hormones, or differences in brain chemistry (eg dopamine) and differences in sympathetic nervous system response?

    @hosford42 @cykonot @autistic[email protected] @neurodivergence @actuallyautistic @eds

    Zumbador ,
    @Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

    @ScottSoCal

    "We don't know why" seems a lot better than a term can be understood to mean "You're making it up"

    @androcat @miaoue @hosford42 @cykonot @autistic[email protected] @neurodivergence @actuallyautistic @eds

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