Zumbador

aspiedan , 16 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Recently my daughter (14) opened up about how she feels and is. Long story short, I have reached out to UK mental health services (CAMHS) and the school, and am now likely on a waiting list for ages. She has anxiety, panic, hearing voices, and also presents many spectrum signs. Does anyone have any resources to help give her reasurance / advice, or help narrow down possibile diagnosees to help me signpost her to relevant resources? I and my son (her brother) are also ASD, but she does not find the same strategies helpful. Sorry for so many words, but thanks for reading @actuallyautistic #asd #autism #mentalhealth

Zumbador , 16 days ago

@aspiedan @actuallyautistic

About the "hearing voices" aspect, many people find that alarming but it's not necessarily something to be concerned about.

You may find this resource helpful https://neurodivergentinsights.com/autism-infographics/hallucinations-and-autism

Zumbador , 27 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

Here's something that causes friction between me and my family.

Someone asks me to make a decision about something I don't have a strong preference, but they want me to have a preference.

"do you want x or y? "

Saying "I don't care" comes across as rude, and even softening it as "I don't really have a preference" or turning it back to them by saying "what do you think?" isn't appreciated. They want me to care.

I understand that they want me to choose so they don't have to do that emotional labour. That's fair. But often when I do choose (at random), they try to change my mind, and then I'm back to square one because I don't really care, and I don't want to lie!

A honest answer would be "I'm depressed, I don't want to exist. Putting on a polite face is taking up all my effort, expecting me to actually care is beyond my capacity"

But that's too heavy for most interactions.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, just writing it out.

#ActuallyAutistic

Zumbador OP , 17 days ago

@actuallyautistic
Continuing my question about negotiations with family, since I got such useful answers.

(Ironically given my earlier post about ask vs guess culture, I think this is a guess culture thing)

This is a pattern I see in my family. This is not a Neurotypical vs Neurodivergent thing since everyone is some version of ND.

1 - Everyone avoids saying what they want directly, because they don't want to override what everyone else wants.

2 - Everyone knows everyone else is doing 1. So they don't believe what people are saying, they think there's a hidden level of "what you really think" and that their guess about this is accurate.

3 - People get annoyed with one another for either stating, or appearing to have needs, either real or assumed. They feel they can't say no, and everyone should avoid placing them in a position of being forced into saying no (because saying no is selfish!), or forced into saying yes (because they want to say no!)

Aargh!
#ActuallyAutistic

Zumbador OP , 17 days ago

@actuallyautistic

The word limit got to me so I didn't include the question: Is it possible to have respectful and kind interactions when one party is behaving like this and the other is trying to step out of this behaviour?

I know the answer is some version of "you can't control what others do or feel, try to control only that which is yours to control, your own actions"

But is it possible to be kind when breaking this unspoken contract without acknowledging its existence?

Because acknowledging its existence seems to be the greatest taboo of them all.

Zumbador OP , 17 days ago

@nellie_m @actuallyautistic That sounds fantastic. I'm going to see if I can get hold of it.

Zumbador OP , 17 days ago

@james @actuallyautistic I have had some success with Meta conversations like this with my husband - and I find it works best if I can find a time when we're both calm and not in the middle of a conflict or misunderstanding.

But that's based on decades of working through stuff together and knowing that if things blow up, we can come back together again so I feel safe with him.

But this is not the case with the rest of the family. And crucially, I think, they're his family so I think this is his conversation to have, not mine.

I hadn't really thought about that before so that was a useful question to ask myself, thanks.

quinze , 17 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Heya @actuallyautistic folks, do we have a Prime Directive around undiagnosed folks?

Trans folks have the Egg Prime Directive: don't tell someone they might be trans, because it's conter-intuitive in most cases (pushing people deeper into the closet).

As I disclose my diagnosis to people close to me, an unsurprising amount of them resonate with my experience and ask me whether I think they might be. I refuse to answer but share resources and offer to reply to questions about my personal experience.

Zumbador , 17 days ago

@quinze @actuallyautistic

This is such a complicated topic.

One reason I don't tell people that I think they are autistic, is because that makes me and my relationship with them part of their self realisation.

Instead of simply dealing the question "am I autistic", now they have an additional tangle to unravel of "Zumbador is convinced I'm autistic, how will they react if I decide I'm not?"

Anyone with demand avoidance will be likely to dig in their heels and disagree with my opinion about their autism, simply because they don't feel safe being steered by me.

But I also don't think it's necessary to go out of your way to hide any hint that you think someone else might be autistic.

Depending on the person, you could tell someone that you wonder if they might be autistic. As long as you make it clear that you don't think you already know the answer.

snoopy_jay , 17 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group German

@actuallyautistic To those who do not (!) have children: Is family important to you? I can not say that my family has mistreated me in any way or not accepted me the way I am, and yet I am drifting away further and further every year. I think I haven't seen any of them in, like, 7 years? I think I just don't like spending time with humans, related or not? 🫥

Zumbador , 17 days ago

@snoopy_jay @actuallyautistic I'm not sure.
I find family stressful, but I try to maintain relationships nevertheless. I have been fantasizing a lot about just cutting ties lately. Sometimes when I spend time with my siblings, for example, it's good because of shared background and vibes, but often it's also frustrating.

Zumbador , 17 days ago

@snoopy_jay @AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic

I think I have similar feelings.

I will find myself wondering wether I should make more of an effort to get on with a relative, simply because the person is a relative, and it doesn't really make sense to me.

I wonder if there's a suppressed or hidden part of me that would regret it if I let the relationship go. But I don't know if there is.

LehtoriTuomo , 17 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

I came to a fast food place I haven't visited in ages. I was delighted that my favorite spot at the far end corner was not taken. Nobody else is in the neighbor tables so I'm alone in this small area. Then it hit me: this is another autism thing. In this spot there's the minimum amount of distractions in this whole place.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

Zumbador , 17 days ago

@LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic Absolutely. Also the ritual of the same space, and the known place. No dysregulating surprises or mystery rules about interactions.

Susan60 , 18 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

I watched the first episode of this yesterday. I started watching Love on the Spectrum before I self-realised, but unsurprisingly, became irritated by the way people were infantilised. I did like Michael however & I think this show has promise. 🤞🏼@actuallyautistic

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-06-06/michael-theo-stars-in-new-abc-drama-comedy-austin/103937648?utm_source=abc_news_app&utm_medium=content_shared&utm_campaign=abc_news_app&utm_content=other

Zumbador , 18 days ago

@Susan60 @skyfire747 @actuallyautistic

I also watched the first season before I self-realised. I liked some aspects, but the dates were excruciating to watch, so intrusive and contrived.

autism101 , 19 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Do you have any clothing routines? I own eight gray plain t-shirts with no tags which I love. I often will just wear them over and over again.

#AskingAutistics #ActuallyAutistic #AuDHD @actuallyautistic

Zumbador , 19 days ago

@octonion @autism101 @actuallyautistic

I have nonscented laundry detergent, and I often wash my clothes with water only. I use unscented soap. Shampoo is more difficult, but I find a scent I can tolerate.

Some soap scents, like almond, make me nauseous, and I can't have "normal" soap in my house at all, I can smell it in every room. I've found a completely unscented soap that works for me.

I also try to find unscented dish washing solution and only use household cleaning solutions when I really have to, most cleaning I use dilute vinegar, or water, or small quantities od unscented soap.

Zumbador , 18 days ago

@octonion @autism101 @actuallyautistic

Am staying with family, and their laundry detergent is so stinky! I put in only a tiny amount, but still had to rinse everything again.

And they put my water bottles in the dishwasher, so I had to soak those in diluted vinegar to get rid of the overpowering detergent taste 😣

Zumbador , 20 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

I'm trying to figure out something about dealing with /avoiding conflict.

When I'm in conflict with someone, I'll often avoid confronting them, because I don't trust them. I might like them, but I don't trust their ability to respond appropriately.

I find that honest conversations mean making myself vulnerable to some extent, and if someone has hurt me, or is annoyed with me, it doesn't feel safe to be that vulnerable.

I reserve conversations like that for people who are very close to me, that I trust, like my husband and my father.

I usually hide my anger and annoyance, because it feels like they don't deserve to see my honest emotions.

But I don't think this is a healthy strategy.

#ActuallyAutistic

Zumbador OP , 18 days ago

@dyani @pathfinder @actuallyautistic I'm coming back to this article, @dyani as I think there's something very important here but I'm not quite understanding it yet.

It's something like - take a situation that's difficult because I'm autistic. Then imagine it being not difficult, without my being any less autistic in that scenario.

So for example, a relative takes offense at something I'm saying because they read tone and meaning that's not there. So now I'm angry and anxious because I know I need to be clear in my communication, but I'm worried that they'll read that as being "too blunt" or "angry" or whatever.

So I need to imagine that I am clear, and say what I mean. If that person reacts badly, that's on them, I'll deal with it if it happens.

Something like that?

Zumbador OP , 18 days ago

@dyani @pathfinder @actuallyautistic Hmmm. OK. I'd not considered B, I think that bit is important.
And in order to do this whole thing, I first need to be clear what is in my control, and what is not, and focus only on things that I can actually do something about.

That lesson, about "only focus on what I can control" was a big breakthrough in dealing with my anxiety, but it seems I constantly have to learn it over an over again, I keep falling into the same patterns again.

pathfinder , 19 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

I often describe myself as a minimal speaker. It's because whilst I can speak, unless seriously overwhelmed, I vastly prefer not to. In large part, this is because the effort of speaking, and it is, more often than not, a real effort for me, rarely seems worth it. Since realising I am autistic, I have come to realise why this could be and also why communicating on here is so much easier and not just because it's text, because I struggle with that elsewhere too.

Language, whether text or verbal, is communication. Whether that be communicating thoughts, or feelings. Expressing emotions, or ideas. It is the medium and not the source. The source is where these things are coming from and it is what shapes our use of the medium and therefore in large part the assumptions we make about how others are using it and therefore the likely success of any communication.

Enter the double-empathy theory and the general acknowledgement that autism is a fundamental difference in the ways in which our brains work, often exampled by describing it as a different operating system. It means that whilst I am using the same language to talk with allistics, how we're both using it, the ends and purpose, even the nature of the information being transmitted, can often be fundamentally different.

An example I have used, is to compare it to a foreign language speaker with a reasonable understanding of the local language, but having to work incredibly hard to keep up with a conversation and having to constantly check their translations and whether or not they were making the right replies and not offending anyone. But to be truly accurate, you would also have to add in a cultural divide, a root level difference in the expectation and assumptions they are making about life and how this was also shaping their communication.

This, I think, is why speaking has always been so hard for me. Why it's always been so much of an effort and often without point. It's not that I am speaking a foreign language, or that my words themselves can't be understood. But that the information I am attempting to convey and the intended purpose of that information, is so far out of phase with the expectations of those around me, that miscommunication, confusion and the all too familiar fallout becomes almost inevitable. It's also why speaking here is so much easier.

Effective communication is more than just using the right words, it's about realising the intent and purpose behind those words. About understanding where someone is coming from as much as what they are trying to say. And that, as the saying goes, takes two to tango.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

Zumbador , 18 days ago

@AnAutieAtUni @pathfinder @actuallyautistic "One reason I suspect I might have ADHD is I have impulses to speak when I absolutely don’t want to and have even decided on that beforehand."

Yes! This happens to me and it's caused some really bad fights with my husband. And I can understand it from his point of view, because I'll blurt out (oh god I'm actually struggling to write this because it's really embarrassing) a punchline for a joke he's busy telling.

I KNOW I shouldn't. I decide before hand I shouldn't, and in a way I think that makes it worse because my brain is going DON'T SAY THAT THING so loudly that my mouth goes "THAT THING!!!!!"