Zumbador

chevalier26 , 10 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic Maybe y’all can help me with this question:

Over the past few months I have really been ruminating on what “masculinity” and “femininity” even are, and those terms are mostly defined by stereotypes. Like, I know I’m a woman but I’ve always felt like “just some guy.” I’ve never had dysphoria or anything, and I have a biblical understanding of sexuality, but cultural ideas about gender make no sense to me. All of this is so confusing. Any ideas?

Zumbador , 10 days ago

@chevalier26 @actuallyautistic

Recently, there's been more recognition that both cis and trans people experience diffences in "gender valence", that is, how strongly aware we are of a gender identity.

It's a spectrum from no gender valence (agender people) to strong gender valence, where the person knows without a doubt that they are a woman, a man, nonbinary, or whatever their gender identity is.

This spectrum is not corrolated to whether you're cis or trans.

A cis person might have a weak sense of gender identity, but be perfectly willing to accept the gender assigned to them at birth. Or they might be very sure of their gender identity.

The same is true for trans people. We might be unable to say what our gender identity is and just know what we're not. Or we might have a strong sense of what we are.

You get to decide what you are. You might change over time, you might always feel uncertain. No one else can tell you what you "really" are. Move towards what gives you joy.

spika , 11 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

One of the things I find myself struggling with a lot as an autistic person with an autistic partner is how often there are moments where I do not honor my own needs or preferences because they seemingly conflict with my partner's needs and preferences, and how it feels easier to mask my discomfort than to express a different preference and potentially provoke unnecessary dysregulation and conflict.

On the rare occasion I do speak up and we try things my way and it fails miserably because it isn't his way, I get so disappointed and upset that he's unable to be as flexible as I force myself to be for him and his sensory needs, and wish we'd never tried doing it my way in the first place.

This doesn't exactly feel healthy to me, but I'm not really sure how to interpret what I feel either.

#actuallyautistic @actuallyautistic

Zumbador , 11 days ago

@spika @actuallyautistic

Does he make you feel as if your needs are irrational?

"why are you making such a big deal about this?"

As if you could just decide to stop needing something or feeling certain emotions?

Or are those feelings coming from yourself?

Zumbador , 10 days ago

@spika @actuallyautistic

"he starts to compare it aloud to every time a neurotypical has gotten overwhelmed and lost their temper at him"

That's not okay.
He needs to find an alternative way to channel his overwhelm.

Zumbador , 10 days ago

@spika @actuallyautistic

This is what I've learned from a similar situation:

As you know, it's bad for a relationship if there's a significant imbalance in how much each of you compromises in favour of the other person.

It's normal for there to be some imbalance, but not if it's always the same person who has to ignore their own needs over a long time period.

If you're always putting yourself last, you'll start resenting him, and that's corrosive to the relationship. And of course, it's not fair to you!

Communication is vital. He has to know what you need, so that he can look after you.

You have to claim your needs to yourself as well. "Because I want to" or "because I don't like that" are complete sentences. No need to justify. You are allowed to avoid doing something because it's upsetting, and for no other reason.

1/2

Zumbador , 10 days ago

@spika @actuallyautistic

2/2

Part of the communication is checking that both of you know what one another's needs are, and also that both of you are aware what the other person is already doing.

For example, he might tell you that he's already accommodating you because he doesn't do x, or sometimes does y.

You might still say that's not enough, or doesn't actually help you, and that he needs to do more, but then you at least know that from his point of view, he's doing something for you. And you can acknowledge that, and say "but what I actually need is z"

Otherwise both of you get frustrated with one another, "I do so much and they don't even acknowledge it!"

Does that make sense?

AnAutieAtUni , 12 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Question for autistics: What did you do to celebrate or mark the occasion when you found out you’re autistic?

Context:
Many people find the discovery that they’re autistic is very helpful for them, even liberating, as they can now learn more about themselves and their needs, etc. Feelings toward it are usually quite complex, not simple, but lots of people have said they celebrated when they discovered they’re autistic because overall, it is a positive thing. Some autistic people mark the anniversary and have a mini celebration in their own way each year.

My answer to the question:
Although cakes are popular, I decided to do something longer lasting and more special to me. There is an artist who paints nature scenes with animals and I saw a beautiful limited edition print by her up for sale. I rarely ever buy pictures like this as I simply don’t have the spare cash, but the picture reminds me of myself and my love of nature and animals, and reminds me of the parts of myself I kept hidden for so long. It now hangs on my wall at home for me to see every day. I may not be openly autistic (yet) but I do want to be openly myself in other ways like being open about what brings me joy - and this painting keeps reminding me of that.

#AskingAutistics #ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic #AutisticPride :neuro:

Zumbador , 12 days ago

@AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic

That's such a lovely, and fitting celebration!

My self realisation happened relatively quickly, but still over several weeks, so I don't have a definite date that I can celebrate. "More or less in August /September" is the closest I can get.

But I like the idea of finding a way to express this particular joy.

MuppetRat , 14 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic My autism doesn't make me disabled, SOCIETY makes me disabled.
🤔

Zumbador , 14 days ago

@magicalgrrrl @MuppetRat @actuallyautistic

To be fair, MuppetRat speaks only about their own experience, not about all autistic people

Zumbador , 14 days ago

@pa @magicalgrrrl @MuppetRat @actuallyautistic

No argument from me!

chevalier26 , 15 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic Earlier today I had a conversation/argument with my mom about the mountain laurel tree that is outside my bathroom window at our cabin, which she insisted was NOT a mountain laurel. I said, if you saw mountain laurel flowers would you recognize them? And she said yes, so I showed her photos of the one next to the house and she affirmed that it was a mountain laurel until I told her it was indeed the tree next to the house 🫠 can’t ever win.

Zumbador , 15 days ago

@chevalier26 @actuallyautistic that seems like it should be a slam dunk to me 😅
Oh dear.

chevalier26 , 15 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic #actuallyautistic It really bothers me when I tell my friends or family about something that upset me, or an incident that made me feel embarrassed/humiliated and they respond in a way that makes me feel even more upset, embarrassed, and humiliated. Things like “how did you even do that? 😂” or “that’s not even a big deal” don’t help and make me feel even worse. It feels a bit like clapping at a waiter/waitress when they drop a plate.

Zumbador , 15 days ago

@chevalier26 @actuallyautistic

That would upset me too.
You're being vulnerable and they poke at you for some reason. Some people can't help themselves, it's almost as its an automatic reaction.

Zumbador , 15 days ago

@Jobob

Yes similar to the thing where people tease or playfully insult one another to show acceptance. It can be hard to take.

@chevalier26 @actuallyautistic

Zumbador , 27 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic

Here's something that causes friction between me and my family.

Someone asks me to make a decision about something I don't have a strong preference, but they want me to have a preference.

"do you want x or y? "

Saying "I don't care" comes across as rude, and even softening it as "I don't really have a preference" or turning it back to them by saying "what do you think?" isn't appreciated. They want me to care.

I understand that they want me to choose so they don't have to do that emotional labour. That's fair. But often when I do choose (at random), they try to change my mind, and then I'm back to square one because I don't really care, and I don't want to lie!

A honest answer would be "I'm depressed, I don't want to exist. Putting on a polite face is taking up all my effort, expecting me to actually care is beyond my capacity"

But that's too heavy for most interactions.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, just writing it out.

#ActuallyAutistic

Zumbador OP , 16 days ago

@alexisbushnell @actuallyautistic Yes! RSD and Demand Avoidance both.

Zumbador OP , 16 days ago

@Susan60 @actuallyautistic

Absolutely. Take high masking, add some trauma, mix in a little bit (it's never a little bit) of Autistic preserveration and boom, you have a communication problem.

Zumbador OP , 16 days ago

@dweebish @actuallyautistic

Exhausted just thinking about it!

undefined_variable , 16 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic Opinions and advice welcomed. Of social media, I'm only here on fediverse. And I've been mostly inactive, due to various reasons. It hasn't served me well, one could say. Probably mostly because I didn't tailor stuff for myself, but followed all those "You're new to Mastodon, here's what you should do" posts. (As a sidenote, if you're neurospicy, don't follow such things in general. Utilize yes, get ideas yes, but they are not meant to be followed!)

Now I'd like (read need, for personal reasons) to get more active, but specifically within the neurodivergent community. So what is an AuDHDer to do?

Ditch this withered generalist account of mine (I'd need to tear it down and start from scratch anyways at least) and hop on some ND instance but still stay on fedi?
Hop over to Bluesky and but just follow other ND folks?
Discord, Ceiling Cat forbid?
Something else?

Like, what has worked best for you, to connect to peers in this kind of setting? What would you recommend? What would you advice against? Mind you, I'm one of those "grew old but didn't grew up" spicyheads so... Yeah, there's that too.

Halp, please!

Zumbador , 16 days ago

@undefined_variable @actuallyautistic I've been posting to this @actuallyautistic and using the #ActuallyAutistic hashtag here on mastodon.

Which instance you are on makes some difference but not a lot (in my opinion) if you're on an instance with a lot of like-minded people you'll see their posts on your local stream, and it's more likely that you'll see more like-minded posts in your "federated" stream. So it does give you a bit of a boost in terms of seeing posts you might like. But not as much as following the group and the hashtag, and gradually building up a good home stream by following people you enjoy reading.

I used to be on some Reddit autism groups but I found those quite fighty so not good for me. r/autisminwomen and r/autism were the main ones I used to visit.

I wouldn't worry too much about changing your current account (if you mean your past posts?) just start as you mean to go on, if that makes sense.