I often describe myself as a minimal speaker. It's because whilst I can speak, unless seriously overwhelmed, I vastly prefer not to. In large part, this is because the effort of speaking, and it is, more often than not, a real effort for me, rarely seems worth it. Since realising I am autistic, I have come to realise why this could be and also why communicating on here is so much easier and not just because it's text, because I struggle with that elsewhere too.
Language, whether text or verbal, is communication. Whether that be communicating thoughts, or feelings. Expressing emotions, or ideas. It is the medium and not the source. The source is where these things are coming from and it is what shapes our use of the medium and therefore in large part the assumptions we make about how others are using it and therefore the likely success of any communication.
Enter the double-empathy theory and the general acknowledgement that autism is a fundamental difference in the ways in which our brains work, often exampled by describing it as a different operating system. It means that whilst I am using the same language to talk with allistics, how we're both using it, the ends and purpose, even the nature of the information being transmitted, can often be fundamentally different.
An example I have used, is to compare it to a foreign language speaker with a reasonable understanding of the local language, but having to work incredibly hard to keep up with a conversation and having to constantly check their translations and whether or not they were making the right replies and not offending anyone. But to be truly accurate, you would also have to add in a cultural divide, a root level difference in the expectation and assumptions they are making about life and how this was also shaping their communication.
This, I think, is why speaking has always been so hard for me. Why it's always been so much of an effort and often without point. It's not that I am speaking a foreign language, or that my words themselves can't be understood. But that the information I am attempting to convey and the intended purpose of that information, is so far out of phase with the expectations of those around me, that miscommunication, confusion and the all too familiar fallout becomes almost inevitable. It's also why speaking here is so much easier.
Effective communication is more than just using the right words, it's about realising the intent and purpose behind those words. About understanding where someone is coming from as much as what they are trying to say. And that, as the saying goes, takes two to tango.
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic It’s the speed of allistic communication that causes problems for me. I get very frustrated at trying to keep up with a conversation, especially when there are multiple allistic people involved. They somehow talk with each other in a flow without interrupting, and I am struggling to find a space to talk. When I do try to talk, they act like I am out of turn.
I can get very frustrated and even upset at not being able to break in with what I want to say, and then the topic changes before I can speak. So when I finally do speak, I am breaking their flow by speaking out of turn and on the wrong topic. Their frustration at me for doing this doubles the frustration I am already feeling, and conversations can get tense.
Adding to that is how often they don’t understand what I mean, and they respond in a way that shows me that I haven’t expressed myself very well.
But to not speak and express myself is also frustrating, because then they assume I agree with them when often I don’t. So I feel like I have to try to speak. The whole thing is overwhelming and frustrating.
