@SQLAllFather@techhub.social cover
@SQLAllFather@techhub.social avatar

SQLAllFather

@[email protected]

Business Intelligence, Data Governance, Kittens, Heavy Metal, Food, Fighting, and anti-Fascism. Microsoft employee, all views are mine not theirs. He/Him/His.

Search enabled in Mastodon profile.

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. View on remote instance

Zumbador , to ActuallyAutistic group
@Zumbador@mefi.social avatar

@actuallyautistic

Here's something that causes friction between me and my family.

Someone asks me to make a decision about something I don't have a strong preference, but they want me to have a preference.

"do you want x or y? "

Saying "I don't care" comes across as rude, and even softening it as "I don't really have a preference" or turning it back to them by saying "what do you think?" isn't appreciated. They want me to care.

I understand that they want me to choose so they don't have to do that emotional labour. That's fair. But often when I do choose (at random), they try to change my mind, and then I'm back to square one because I don't really care, and I don't want to lie!

A honest answer would be "I'm depressed, I don't want to exist. Putting on a polite face is taking up all my effort, expecting me to actually care is beyond my capacity"

But that's too heavy for most interactions.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, just writing it out.

SQLAllFather ,
@SQLAllFather@techhub.social avatar

@Zumbador @actuallyautistic

My approach for this too-common situation is to start off with "either one is fine for me" or something similar, and if this isn't acceptable for the requestor to list the pros and cons I see in each option.

"I like this one because of A and B, but it also X and Y which aren't ideal because of Z. The other one is good because of J and K, but it also W and X. Either one will work - which do you prefer?"

For people I trust (and it's usually only these people for whom I'll put in the effort) this usually gets the conversation going in a more positive direction. Me sharing my personal pros and cons often helps them articulate their own, and that can help them make up their own damned mind.

Good luck!

SQLAllFather ,
@SQLAllFather@techhub.social avatar

@Zumbador @actuallyautistic

I'm eternally grateful that my wife of ~30 years understands that "I don't care either way" is an acceptable response. ❤️

  • All
  • Subscribed
  • Moderated
  • Favorites
  • •
  • kbinchat
  • All magazines
    •