PixysJourney

Tim_McTuffty , 12 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 233 , Monday 17/06/2024

Geoff was a vicious bugger last night he had to be evicted from under the covers & subdued with paracodol !

Had a nice chat with the CDP 🧚‍♀️ until around 1am when the pain relief fully kicked in & sleep overtook me.

Up at just after 6am to get breakfast for Mrs S.

Had to spend the day elevating Geoff to new heights , which seemed to impress him to a degree. I let the pain killers wear off thru the day so that I can reduce the risk of dependance. That said will be hitting them tonight because Geoff is an unforgiving toe it seems.

So talking to a couple of peeps today & my low selfesteem / Imposter Syndrome kicked in again.
I know logically that multibillion dollar companies don’t just let anyone play with their mainframes & critical systems. I know that few folks expertise covers the full breadth of computing related areas. But still I cannot help but feel a dullard in the face of a lot of my peers.
Possibly it is because I made career critical decisions based on incomplete knowledge (ie I was autistic) that within a decade laid waste to my professional career & broke me to the point of having to retire early on health grounds.
It could also be that I am my own worst critic & still berate myself for not doing better then, & now.

I fear that all I am doing now is treading water, waiting for the inevitable alternative to taxes.

Managed to get a few hours in on NMS for the first time in a few days. Finished the first of 4(5? ) phases & got a couple achievements in a few of the others .

Final Thoughts.

How can I think about moving into social circles where I can stress about whether a whole new group of people might judge me & find me wanting?

How do I not be like this ?

Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖

@actuallyautistic
#TimsASDjourney #ActuallyAutistic #Neurospicy #TheMammutMoves

PixysJourney , 12 days ago

@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic Owwww I wish I had the right words to say.. But with this... I'm kinda useless/clueless... I've never felt like an imposter cause, AuDHD or not, I did the best I could with the jobs I did. And with or without the dx, my best was still all I had to give. So I don't know what I can write to make it better, sorry 🤗
I am glad you enjoyed some gaming again! Yay!
And I hope you're having a good night sweets!! I have the hospital in the morning, so I'll be driving mum around and all that... 😊 But I'll try to be online while we're waiting and all... 🤗 😘

PixysJourney , 12 days ago

@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic
Then you are not an imposter! You gave all you knew and could. You tried all that they asked of you. And there's always gonna folks that know more, are better, are faster, are smarter... That doesn't diminish the work that you did! Heck, I'd feel bad all the time then as all the work I did was for unschooled peeps 😔
The bits that you did, the things that you do, you're still good at! Maybe, because you're not in the business anymore, your knowledge has faded some and maybe it's outdated some. But you still do the automation things in your home. I still walk to the light switch, I still manually do the curtains 😂 so you know so much more! You even made a program to get the Spotify I share to your Apple and vise versa... You do know stuffs!!! 🤗
Hope that helped! 😘

PixysJourney , 12 days ago

@ketmorco @Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic 👍🏻 that's what I meant with my reply as well... There's always people that are "better", but there's also loads that are "less"... It's not a competion... I wanna know things so I'll research them. But I do that for me, not because someone else may already know more... If that makes sense...

Tim_McTuffty , 13 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 232 , Sunday 16/06/2024

Woke to a gloriously sunny Sunday morning, with clouds lurking around the edges ready to pounce later in the day.

Got my act into gear around 8am & tumbled out of bed, made breakfast & then relaxed over my coffee until it was time to get showered & changed to cross the hills to Liverpool & visit my brother to celebrate his birthday.

The trip across was thru torrential rain that did not really ease up until we approached the NW coast. The the clouds broke & the sun came out.

We had a great day, I enjoyed it more than I expected to.

My sister was the only fly in the ointment, she is mother to my 2 autistic nephews, she herself is NT , however she started lecturing me on what I was & wasn’t capable of, saying how much more she understood about being autistic than I did …. I was good & kept my peace.

There was lots off lovely food, my Bro is a bit of a BBQ fanatic, not as enthusiastic as @kaybee335 (who is a BBQing god IMHO) but does throw together a mean spread!

I was fairly good, Geoff behaved himself most of the day & I didn’t want to aggravate him too much so just had a little bit of everything & didn’t go mad.

Had the first piece of cake since Easter! It was heaven!

Herself decided that 6:30pm was late enough & that we should go home, to be fair we did have a 2 hour drive home & tomorrow is a work day!

The drive home was ,in stark contrast to this morning’ a lovely drive, fine weather & only got stuck in traffic once. Some nutter in a white transit gave us a scare by overtaking us (me doing the speed limit was just too slow for him! ) in an extremely dubious location & nearly ploughed into the bonnet of the oncoming car for his trouble. I am not too proud to say that I was thinking my time was done for a few seconds there because we would have been intimately involved. His reward, because it was only a 2 lane highway with very few passing places , was that he stayed in the same place in front of us for the next 5 miles until our paths parted ways.

Got home & texted my Bro we had got home safe, he was a little upset to learn that we had had sunny weather all the way home & that we are enjoying a sunny evening as I write. Apparently it started raining ½ an hour after we left. 😆

Final Thoughts.

I enjoyed today a lot more than I thought I would, it does the soul good to have a laugh & joke in the company of those we love.

Why do some NT folk think that they can know more about ND folk than ND folk themselves ???
I am blessed that pretty much all the NT folk I know in the Fediverse do not do this, realising perhaps that while some experiences are very much shared , some really aren’t!

Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖

@actuallyautistic
#TimsASDjourney #ActuallyAutistic #Neurospicy #TheMammutMoves

PixysJourney , 13 days ago

@Tim_McTuffty
Sounds like it wasn't a too bad day for you dear. I hope Geoff behaved himself... 😊
Sorry about the NT knowing about ND more... It's a struggle for sure. And you'll probably run into that from time to time... 😔 But yay for not biting and getting into that! Well done. Let her think that while you know that you know better 🤗.
Sorry also about the stupid driver being such a fool... I've recently watched some dashcam vids and some people are just nuts! Eeeeek 😳!
Have a good night!!!
😴 Sweet dreams MLS 🫶🏻

@actuallyautistic

PixysJourney , 13 days ago

@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic you're very welcome 🌸 and yeah.... Some... Do.... 🤨

Tim_McTuffty , 14 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 231 , Saturday 15/06/2024

So Geoff (you remember Geoff, the Gouty Great Left Toe ) was an asshole last night, ended up with him going commando stuck out the end of the bed!
Thankfully being evicted from the bed was enough to calm him & sleep ensued.

Up around 7am, breakfast, chores & knocking around the Fediverse for most of the day.

Out of the blue my Dad rang - he very rarely calls, but like me he is polite to fault & was calling to say thank you for his Father’s Day card.

I’ll catch up with him tomorrow when we go over to Liverpool for my Bro’s birthday.
Geoff is almost certainly gonna disapprove come Monday morning!

Watching Roadhouse (the new version) this evening, a surprisingly good , turn yer brain off movie, lovin the soundtrack too, I hope it’s on one of the streaming services !

Ohhhh on Apple Music! Cool !

Final Thoughts.

I’m a bit worried that I’m missing something - not felt the urge to hit the PlayStation in like 3 days …
Hey ho.

Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖

@actuallyautistic
#TimsASDjourney #ActuallyAutistic #Neurospicy #TheMammutMoves

PixysJourney , 14 days ago

@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic that silly Geoff, just cut it off and be done with it :ablobcatangel: hihi....
But yay for some sleeps in the end!
Glad you enjoyed the TV time, relaxing can be so nice....
Shame about the gaming! I wondered why there were no NMS updates 😉
Ow how kind of your dad to call! Hope you have a good time at the bday tomorrow! 🤗
Have a good night sweets 😘

PixysJourney , 14 days ago

@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic Owww you're still around 😇 you're very welcome 🌸

PixysJourney , 14 days ago

@Susan60 @Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic haha out of context it may seem disturbing for sure 😂 but it was definitely meant as a joke 😇

PixysJourney , 14 days ago

@Susan60 @Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic hihi 😉 he's calling his gouty big toe Geoff... And it was bothering him, so yeah, just chop it off 😇

PixysJourney , 14 days ago

@Susan60 @Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic haha I'm glad you were to find out that it was all good. 😇 I can be naughty at times, but won't be that bad 😇 Hihi....

Tim_McTuffty , 15 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 230 , Friday 14/06/2024

I am going to shamelessly nick an idea of a dear friend & my left big toe will henceforth be known as ‘Geoff the Gouty Great Toe! (Big toes used to be called Great toes back in the olden days seemingly)

An awful night last night I ate something that Geoff really disapproved of & he was not shy in putting forth his view ! I took his disapproval for an hour then medicated his ass with some codeine & paracetamol.

Up early this morning despite the disturbed night & Mrs S. being on holiday. Pavlov’s Squirrel !

Had a fairly easy morning & rested my poor,sore tootsies.

It struck me this morning in the light of the last couple of days entries that there is one major problem with yon Social Prescriber getting me to go to this Social Cafe …. They are not providing me with the tools to cope with this first!

One of my NT guides pointed out ,& I’m paraphrasing here, that just because I can do the whole socialising thing doesn’t mean I should. There is such a concept as ‘too much of a good thing’.

I remember the last time I was in a prescribed ‘social’ situation - attending the Cardio rehab course after my MI. Long story short , it was a disaster , I ended up storming out on the penultimate session because the social pressures were too much!

Today ,online, one of my prominent traits showed up - I can be very blunt at times, I fail to ease my point into a conversation - my NT brain proffering to ‘hammer home’ the point rather than be more subtle & gentle.
My ASD diagnosis report picks up on this & makes the point that it can ,& indeed has, trip me up in social situations!

If I decide that I really do want to move out of my current comfort zone into a more physically social one then I need to work with the various health professionals to get the sequence right & get the tool kit first!

Tonight I felt that I struck a decent compromise for tea. I did have pizza , but Ham n mushroom not a meat feast - I felt the latter might be taunting the gout gods just a little too much.

At this point Geoff is quite happy so long as I don’t try anything too athletic. Hopefully that will continue thru tonight!

Final Thoughts.

Geoff has made his views very clear on the whole diet thing, namely that he is in charge!

Is it a good thing or a bad thing I have anthropomorphised my big toe ? Is this an indicator that I should resist mixing directly with the rest of the human race?

Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖

@actuallyautistic
#TimsASDjourney #ActuallyAutistic #Neurospicy #TheMammutMoves

PixysJourney , 15 days ago

@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic hey Tim, I think you wanna use the edit of Masto and change the NT to ND? Or did I misunderstood and you did mean NT? 🤔

Sorry about Geoff, though I did enjoy some chat time with ya 😉

Don't put too much pressure on being social though. Even people who struggle less with it don't always want or need it that much (or so I've been told 😉). Person to person is good but when you have online friends, they are real too! (except when they start saying silly things, like putting weird stuff on yon pizza 😂). It's still contact, even though you don't see/hear/touch and all... For me, I'd be lost without my online friends... They mean loads to me and I enjoy spending time with them. But the lovely thing about online is, for me, that I can engage when I feel like it. There is less pressure to immediately interact. ITMAS... 🤔

Have a good night sweets 😘 sweet dreams 😴

PixysJourney , 15 days ago

@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic you're very welcome 🌸
And yeah, I do meet up with friends at times but I'm not too much of a "going out" person. Too many people, too much noise, often too many smells.... Big nope.
Much of my chats are online too and they're just great so I keep enjoying them as much as I can. 😊
Big huggies! 🤗 😘

PixysJourney , 15 days ago

@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic you're very welcome 🌸 again 😉

PixysJourney , 15 days ago

@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic you're very welcome 🌸 and fankoos 💜 for the huggies!

Tim_McTuffty , 16 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 229 , Thursday 13/06/2024

A better nights sleep last nigh, although I did wake up early, had a nice chat with CDP 🧚‍♀️.

Mrs S. was in the office today & I really wasn’t feeling it this morning ,so after breakfast I went back to bed for a couple of hours.

My brain drove me out of bed just after 9am, unless I’m really quite poorly I cannot stay in bed for too long.

So I was reflecting on the meeting with the Social Prescriber yesterday & subsequent conversations with friends on here.
I wonder if I NEED to be more social than I am now. I wonder if the benefits outweigh the stress / anxiety etc. of being in a group of people.

Also the fact that any decent support is a decent distance away. (thanks UK Gov - so much for the promised improvement in MH services NOT !)

I am social to an extent, I regularly chat , laugh ,cry etc with so many lovely folk on here. Yes it is a relationship in a digital environment, but does that make it any less valid an experience?
The Fediverse is unlike any other Social Platform, it is possible to develop real friendships here & the lack of an algorithm makes for a more interactive experience!

Honestly I don’t know, when actually confronted with the help available, if it is worth pursuing.

On a more positive note I had a great banter session with several of the Peeps on here this afternoon / evening , thanks to all who participated, I enjoyed it enormously! 😊

Final Thoughts.

I never expect that I was fighting for so little, it is quite the anti-climax.
I am glad I got my diagnosis, that has helped me understand myself in ways I did not expect, & almost every day I learn something new.
Apart from anything else I found a whole group of Peeps who relate to & share experiences & challenges unique to ND folk!

Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖

@actuallyautistic
#TimsASDjourney #ActuallyAutistic #Neurospicy #TheMammutMoves

PixysJourney , 15 days ago

@Tim_McTuffty @actuallyautistic you're very welcome 🌸 🤗 🫶🏻
I hope any of it could have been helpful to you! 🤗 Good luck 🍀