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Jobob

@[email protected]

Jobob_80 on twitter. I'm a data scientist and physicist with an interest in art.
This is all about my personal views not those of my employer.

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. View on remote instance

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

Distinguishing needs from preferences can be challenging.

Focus on what’s essential for your well-being vs. what brings comfort or joy.

Listen to your body and emotions.

What’s happening?

@actuallyautistic

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic of course, comfort and joy are also essential for our wellbeing.

LehtoriTuomo , to ActuallyAutistic group
@LehtoriTuomo@mementomori.social avatar

I've never paid much attention to song lyrics. With repeated listening I might learn bits of it but for many songs I've got no clue what they say even after decades of listening. For me, vocals are just another instrument. Still, I've been the vocalist in several bands!

There's a big difference between Finnish and English lyrics for me. As Finnish is my native language, I find it way easier to decipher lyrics, unlike in English, even though my English is pretty good.

Now that I know about my auditory processing difficulties, I wonder if it's related to that. How about my fellow autistics? Do you pay attention to lyrics?

@actuallyautistic

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic I love lyrics, and have a collection of songs I know by heart.
I get vaguely troubled when a song doesn't really make sense - so for instance Toto's Africa has lyrics that seem like they mean something, but on examination you realise you have no idea what the song is about.

NightlyBye , to ActuallyAutistic group
@NightlyBye@gaypirates.club avatar

@actuallyautistic

folks in the UK - have you ever used a "guaranteed interview/assessment" scheme for a job application, and ended up getting the job?

I'm weighing up "don't disclose anything until you have a job because it might put them off even if they HAVE to give you an interview" with "do everything you can to get to the interview stage then hopefully you can really impress them".

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@filmfreak75 @NightlyBye @actuallyautistic some employers have signed up to a scheme where people with disabilities who meet the job criteria are guaranteed an interview.
It is supposed to increase opportunities for disabled (and neurodivergent) people, and I suppose it might. I haven't seen any stats about its effect though, and there are reasons disabled people might not trust it.

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@filmfreak75 @NightlyBye @actuallyautistic apparently the current way it's implemented here in the UK is this: https://disabilityconfident.campaign.gov.uk/

spika , to ActuallyAutistic group
@spika@neurodifferent.me avatar

One of the things I find myself struggling with a lot as an autistic person with an autistic partner is how often there are moments where I do not honor my own needs or preferences because they seemingly conflict with my partner's needs and preferences, and how it feels easier to mask my discomfort than to express a different preference and potentially provoke unnecessary dysregulation and conflict.

On the rare occasion I do speak up and we try things my way and it fails miserably because it isn't his way, I get so disappointed and upset that he's unable to be as flexible as I force myself to be for him and his sensory needs, and wish we'd never tried doing it my way in the first place.

This doesn't exactly feel healthy to me, but I'm not really sure how to interpret what I feel either.

@actuallyautistic

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@spika @Zumbador @actuallyautistic I don't think it "feels" dismissive of your autism, I think it is dismissive of your autism, and I think it's okay to admit that to yourself.
It sounds like your partner isn't accounting for masking strategies, and is therefore dismissive of any needs that he can't see. I think you might need to have a conversation when neither of you are in meltdown about the types of experience you're internalising and how that affects you.

chevalier26 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@chevalier26@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic It really bothers me when I tell my friends or family about something that upset me, or an incident that made me feel embarrassed/humiliated and they respond in a way that makes me feel even more upset, embarrassed, and humiliated. Things like “how did you even do that? 😂” or “that’s not even a big deal” don’t help and make me feel even worse. It feels a bit like clapping at a waiter/waitress when they drop a plate.

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@Zumbador @chevalier26 @actuallyautistic it's true that some people can't help but pick at these things. But if the thing we've discussed here before about NTs using others as their yardstick for acceptable morals more than nds, then this might also be a "helpful" tactic gone wrong.
After all, if a social peer doesn't think it's a big deal or can make light of it, an NT person could presumably use that to reduce their actual experience.
Another double empathy crossover in other words.

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@Zumbador @chevalier26 @actuallyautistic oh yes, absolutely. And being well intentioned doesn't change the harm, although I personally prefer to believe that people aren't intentionally trying to hurt me...

AnAutieAtUni , to ActuallyAutistic group
@AnAutieAtUni@beige.party avatar

Autistic confessions:

Hi, I’m 41 and I still don’t know what “congratulations” actually means.

Is there one congratulation?

Is there an ideal number of congratulations?

Where on earth did the phrase come from?

Is there a progratulation?

And… why are people congratulating me on my degree before I know if I’ve passed my degree and actually got it?! (They don’t refer to congratulating me only on completing my assessments, it seems to be related to the degree as a whole.)

Even though all these things confuse me, you wouldn’t know because I have trained myself to say “congratulations” at appropriate times, socially. It almost, maybe, probably looks like I know what I’m saying! 🥷

@actuallyautistic

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@AnAutieAtUni @actuallyautistic well /now/ I'm going to be thinking about that..! 😂
Scottish Gaelic for "congratulations" translates back, more or less, to "enjoy your news". You could try saying that instead?

18+ filmfreak75 , to ActuallyAutistic group
@filmfreak75@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic is it me or are some of these options to these questions offensive?

apologies for the pics, was hard to get all the text in one post

image/png
image/png

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@filmfreak75 @UnCoveredMyths @actuallyautistic They're only potentially difficult if they're read entirely literally (yes, I know, that's a Thing). This reads like part of a work evaluation; if I saw it at work I would take the bullet points as /examples/ intended to indicate the steps between grades, not as guidance as to required behaviours.
If you could demonstrate you were a team player using examples where your solo work helped the team, for instance, I would consider that valid.

pathfinder , to ActuallyAutistic group
@pathfinder@beige.party avatar

@actuallyautistic

I often describe myself as a minimal speaker. It's because whilst I can speak, unless seriously overwhelmed, I vastly prefer not to. In large part, this is because the effort of speaking, and it is, more often than not, a real effort for me, rarely seems worth it. Since realising I am autistic, I have come to realise why this could be and also why communicating on here is so much easier and not just because it's text, because I struggle with that elsewhere too.

Language, whether text or verbal, is communication. Whether that be communicating thoughts, or feelings. Expressing emotions, or ideas. It is the medium and not the source. The source is where these things are coming from and it is what shapes our use of the medium and therefore in large part the assumptions we make about how others are using it and therefore the likely success of any communication.

Enter the double-empathy theory and the general acknowledgement that autism is a fundamental difference in the ways in which our brains work, often exampled by describing it as a different operating system. It means that whilst I am using the same language to talk with allistics, how we're both using it, the ends and purpose, even the nature of the information being transmitted, can often be fundamentally different.

An example I have used, is to compare it to a foreign language speaker with a reasonable understanding of the local language, but having to work incredibly hard to keep up with a conversation and having to constantly check their translations and whether or not they were making the right replies and not offending anyone. But to be truly accurate, you would also have to add in a cultural divide, a root level difference in the expectation and assumptions they are making about life and how this was also shaping their communication.

This, I think, is why speaking has always been so hard for me. Why it's always been so much of an effort and often without point. It's not that I am speaking a foreign language, or that my words themselves can't be understood. But that the information I am attempting to convey and the intended purpose of that information, is so far out of phase with the expectations of those around me, that miscommunication, confusion and the all too familiar fallout becomes almost inevitable. It's also why speaking here is so much easier.

Effective communication is more than just using the right words, it's about realising the intent and purpose behind those words. About understanding where someone is coming from as much as what they are trying to say. And that, as the saying goes, takes two to tango.


Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@VeeRat @pathfinder @actuallyautistic nods. And then you get that look as though you've just stepped on their foot because you've got the timing or level of depth wrong. Or worse, because you've departed from what they clearly saw as the natural direction of the conversation...

Uair , to ActuallyAutistic group
@Uair@autistics.life avatar

@actuallyautistic

Somebody broke into my home today.

They changed a light bulb I couldn't get at.

My life is bizarre.

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@Uair @actuallyautistic that is odd!

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

What effect has bullying had on my comrades?

You’re not alone.

@actuallyautistic

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic I wonder if that particular crucible of early years is why we end up masking so hard...

masukomi , to ActuallyAutistic group
@masukomi@connectified.com avatar

Reason 42,343,648 why allistic people shouldn't be allowed to create forms.

"Name of person whose certificate you're requesting"

So um, if the person is filling out a name change form, do they put the current LEGAL name of the person OR the old name that's being changed?

I assume old name, but that's ALSO a false statement on something I'm about to sign, & have notarized as being a TRUE statement, because it's NOT that person's name.

@actuallyautistic

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@vees @masukomi @actuallyautistic I mean I see what you're getting at, but that's literally the first time I've ever seen anyone suggest that ambiguity would be /beneficial/ in a legal process of any kind...

secretmousealias , to ActuallyAutistic group
@secretmousealias@mastodon.social avatar

@actuallyautistic

A situation I run into frequently when trying to make small talk is this:

Me: So what are your interests?
Them: Gaming
Me: Cool, me too. What games?
Them: Call of Duty, what about you?
Me: Dwarf Fortress
Them: Never heard of it. What's type of game is it?

At this point I'm basically deadlocked because explaining the game would take longer than their attention span. I feel I probably made a mistake earlier which led to this situation. How to do better?

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@Dr_Obvious @secretmousealias @actuallyautistic I think there are two options from here that would work. There's the short summary ("oh it's an RPG on mobile, it's got really smooth gameplay that makes it really addictive" - note I made this up, I don't actually know the game!), or there's the changing the topic back to the other person ("Actually I was thinking of trying that, what's it like?")
Best tactic depends on whether you feel like talking or listening.

yourautisticlife , to ActuallyAutistic group
@yourautisticlife@mast.yourautisticlife.com avatar

@actuallyautistic

I think the evidence is mounting that in some circumstances I can be rather slow to process emotions.

Sometimes it is not until the day after something happened that I get angry. During this "something" I keep a placid demeanor. This demeanor is not a strategy or a conscious decision.

Then, the next day, I realize how this very thing gives rise to emotions, often anger.

I'm wondering if it relates to alexithymia. I'm not confused about what I feel, but the feeling may get delayed.

Or maybe it is a combination of:

  • people pleasing,
  • autistic inertia,
  • alexithymia

Just thinking out lout about one of my characteristics here.

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@roknrol @yourautisticlife @actuallyautistic just in case anyone goes looking, I'm pretty sure that is from Masquerade.
Lords and Ladies was Granny being awesome by "borrowing" a whole swarm of bees.

It's a good metaphor. I wish I could say that's how it works for me but sadly I just get emotions rising from the dark occasionally and have to deal with them whether I have time or not.

lifewithtrees , to ActuallyAutistic group
@lifewithtrees@mstdn.social avatar

“What do you want to do 5 years from now?”

🤔

😬

🤯

I am having a difficult time visioning 5 years from now, what I want to do and then how to get there.

Some of this is due to the chaos of the last few years, but I also think it could be a challenge due to

Also I am 42 so midlife stuff?

That all said, how do you vision 5 years from now?

@actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@lifewithtrees @actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic yeah, I just kinda rephrase it in my head to "what do you want to achieve in the near to mid term". It doesn't make it easier, exactly, but at least I'm not distracted by the suggestion that there should be some sort of plan complete with timeline...

theautisticcoach , to ActuallyAutistic group
@theautisticcoach@neurodifferent.me avatar

What does “unmasking” mean to my comrades?

@actuallyautistic

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic I'm still learning what masking means. To me, masking feels like a set of learned skills that I consciously exercise. I'm not so much hiding as doing things the hard way. But since I know the easy way doesn't actually achieve the desired results, choosing to apply less effort doesn't feel like an option. Or rather, I lose either way.

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@calofost @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic do you get called scary too? I have been half wondering if that's an autism thing or just a me thing. It doesn't seem to matter how much effort I put into being gentle and considerate, people always read me as judgemental and aggressive.

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@roknrol @calofost @theautisticcoach @actuallyautistic I am actually starting to believe that it isn't anything to do with how I look at all. Maybe resting expression reinforces it a little. But I really just think NTs see me as uncompromising, and are therefore intimidated.

Claydisarray , to ActuallyAutistic group
@Claydisarray@socel.net avatar

My recent diagnosis is explaining a lot for me.

For instance, I've always been super confused why a waiter appears to crack a tiny amount of black pepper from an enormous pepper mill.

It's hardly a precious spice and why can't I just do it myself?? :blobawkward:

@actuallyautistic

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@Claydisarray @actuallyautistic well /now/ I'm wondering... 😂

niamhgarvey , to ActuallyAutistic group
@niamhgarvey@mastodon.ie avatar

Doctor suggested I have but I don't think I do because:
I am able to force myself to do things even if I'm not interested in it.
I do not like spontaneity.
When I have a deadline, I cannot leave it to the last minute or anxiety would cripple me.
But I do struggle to pay attention unless am hyperfocused. And I do have executive function challenges. And I have to have a project. And I crave dopamine hits.

Anyone else similar to that?
@actuallyautistic
@actuallyadhd

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@skippy442 @Dr_Obvious @sentient_water @niamhgarvey @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd actual question, or are you making a joke?

punishmenthurts , to ActuallyAutistic group
@punishmenthurts@neurodifferent.me avatar


@actuallyautistic
.
I don’t know about you, but my self diagnosis was anything but fast or easy. It was sixty year goddam treasure hunt where anyone who knew or could have known anything made a point of keeping it a secret.
.
No matter the troubles I was having, the messaging from family (who absolutely all knew) and doctors and psychologists was all NT conformism:You are Normal. We are All the Same.
.
Self diagnosis is about as easy as a salmon finding its breeding spot after a thousand miles of white water. It’s an against all odds kind of deal, at least for us olds.
.
Neurotypes are the biggest secret in the world, because We are All the Same, they say. They don’t like self diagnosis because it’s when we win the game of Hide and Seek, we are Kicking the Can when we self discover, winning the game.
.
😈❤️

Jobob ,
@Jobob@mastodon.me.uk avatar

@punishmenthurts @eestileib @GreenRoc @actuallyautistic how bad can prophecies get when there's someone in town who can cure all ills with their own baked goods?

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