AnAutieAtUni

Ilovechai , 1 day ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@autisticadvocacy @actuallyautistic @actuallyaudhd @autisticadvocacy
#actuallyautistic #actuallyaudhd #AuDHD #memoryfoaming

"it takes a long time afterwards to understand what was “me” and what was “them.”

...

.Anyone can memory-foam,…but I feel it is especially common for autistics. And I have a few ideas why.

https://medium.com/@attleehall/autistic-memory-foaming-2cfecfcb9e8c

AnAutieAtUni , 1 day ago

@Ilovechai @autisticadvocacy @actuallyautistic @actuallyaudhd Wow this is 100% me. I’ve tried to describe these concepts to a loved one in the past but failed. I even like the idea of how the imprints last longer than the other people are present in our lives. I’ve spent so long confused about who I am and what I even LIKE. I’ve wondered why I do some activities, and wanted to change but found it terrifying because I didn’t know what else - or WHO else - would be left if I didn’t. Who am I without others to tell me who I am, what I like, what I should do… even when they don’t tell me, I still feel I must be guided by other people’s likes and dislikes.

AND, on top of that, I’m so damn naive. I can’t tell when doing this is making me fall into a trap set by an opportunist.

Only just beginning to find my way out of this. I think discovering I’m autistic was an absolutely essential part of that. Such a staggeringly-long way to go, though. Am going to need bucket loads of forgiveness for myself for the “decisions” (if you can call them that as they’re subconscious not conscious) that I’ve made in the past.

AnAutieAtUni , 14 hours ago

@deirdrebeth @Ilovechai @autisticadvocacy @actuallyautistic @actuallyaudhd Thanks for sharing this - I hadn’t connected it with difficulty doing things alone. It makes a lot of sense.

AnAutieAtUni , 1 day ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Some fun updates about July, my university results and graduation month:

Spent much of the day finishing off some small graduation planning, which has been like a special interest to do. It feels like I already got my results even though I haven’t yet - it’s blissful as there is none of the fuss but all of the good feelings! ✨ I’m also trying to get all this done NOW because I know that later on I will start trying to shrink everything… I will deny my achievements, belittle them, etc. So I’m holding myself accountable, in a way, to make sure I REMEMBER and mark this significant milestone that I have wanted and worked toward for decades.

So, I have some decorations for the house on the way - something I never let myself do before as it always seemed so egotistical, plus not many people will even see these, but it’s time to do what I always wanted to do! If just once in my lifetime!

Have sorted some final details for a mini graduation celebration later this month that will be a short photography session in nature (will have my cap, gown & hood!). This will be a little bit social, but VERY small scale. I won’t be going to my formal graduation ceremony due to lack of accessibility (uni is willing to make adjustments, there are simply none they CAN do as it’s the venue with massive, massive crowds that’s the problem).

Got myself a VERY silly headband that says “Grad” on it with lots of glitter! May only wear it at home, but the point is to remind myself of what I achieved, and actually embody this new life as a university graduate after 20+ years of hoping. I know I’ll try to shrug it all off, so instead I’m crowning myself 🤣 with a ridiculously silly crown-like thing to make myself do this and also smile haha!

A young student friend and I made a pact we’d buy each other a specific graduation gift - a Giant Microbes graduation 🎓 neurone! I suspect they may forget, so rather than remind them, I bought the last two that I could find on the internet! One for me, one for them. If they remembered and give me one, then I’ll send the spare one to another young student as a surprise gift (they’ve been very supportive to me).

I’m also thinking hard about how to celebrate the 2-3 loved ones who supported me most. Plus trying to find words to add to little thank you cards for key members of staff who supported me like no one has ever done before (in a professional context like this). The staff have helped me see how different life can be with the right reasonable adjustments in place.

Feeling full of gratitude for ALL of this. What an utter privilege.

@actuallyautistic

AnAutieAtUni OP , 14 hours ago

@autoperipatetikos @actuallyautistic Thank you so much! 🙏 That means the world to me! 💗 you’re so kind.

AnAutieAtUni , 15 hours ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Just wanted to celebrate that THIS social media bubble right here is one of the most welcoming and friendly spaces I’ve ever found.

I’m not talking about Mastodon in general - no idea about the wider network - but talking broadly about whoever can see this post. That means my followers and those following @actuallyautistic and @actuallyadhd

AnAutieAtUni OP , 14 hours ago

@Elvenby @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd Aahh that’s awesome! Yeah hard to escape politics around the world at the mo - so many elections at once it’s intense. Glad you’ve found a sanctuary here! Helps me too to limit exposure to it.

vger , 3 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

A week ago, I've got my official Autism/ADHD/AuDHD diagnosis. during this week, I've been thinking of one of my problems that has the biggest impact on my wellbeing: hobbies.

For this example I will focus on my hobby of computer gaming, but it happens with pretty much anything. My brain works the following way: I see a new game which I immediately want to try out. I buy that game, play it, have lots of fun with it, but after about 10-20 in-game hours, I lose interest. I happen to watch gamers on YouTube or Twitch, so my brain sees the next game it wants to try. I buy it, 10-20 hours later its uninteresting. This behaviour of seeing new shiny games continues to happen, but heres the actual problem: I've now accumulated several hundreds of games, with a few dozen favorites.

My brain now wants to play a particular game I already own and then starts an internal discussion, why it wants to play that game, and not another one. My ADHD argues, that it would take many hours to continue that game and I would not have enough time to play other exciting games (no matter if I already own them or not). But my Autism wants to fully focus on that game and also on any other game I find exciting. This internal fight causes a lot of stress and I pretty much just burn-out by not playing any games, but just debating which one I should play.

Like I've said, this affects any other hobby as well. So it's not just the internal debate on what game to play, but also what to do besides gaming. I see new interesting stuff: I want to try it out. And when I want to try it out, it's always "all-or-nothing" for me. I want to fully engulf myself in that new hobbie and try out every aspect of it. But the sheer thought of going through it and not having time for other exciting stuff burns be out and there are weeks where I end up not doing any hobby. And when I do that, I get depressed because I didn't spend time with my hobbies.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here. This feels like a really big problem to just take some advise and find a solution. After all, I've had this for the past 10+ years. But after my diagnose it feels like the first time in my life that I have an explanation for this behaviour. My current strategy is finding out which type of games I really enjoy and then just have one or two games per genre that I can play when I have an itch for the genre. But hey, guess what my brain does instead: it starts an argument about why I want to play this genre and not that genre.

Do any of you have similar problems?

AnAutieAtUni , 2 days ago

@vger @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd Just adding another voice to say yep, also AuDHD and I get this too. For a few years now I’ve tried to stop the cycle by refusing to invest more in a particular hobby. It feels like I’m in a deadlock with a hobby, though. But for whatever reason, I just can’t get myself to do the hobby with the items I currently have. I never reached 10-20 hours like you described, I might manage 1 hour each time at best.

What has helped me is understanding that ADHD brains can be much more interest driven. I.e. how interesting and relevant is this hobby right NOW? Rather than being driven by longer-term or broader perspective goals.

I’ve been hacking this as part of my degree studies and didn’t realise:

I had low motivation for daily university work, would lose interest in assessments once they were mostly done and I had figured out the core parts… But I kept myself going by tapping into a major interest that drove me forward. For me, it’s knowing this was my LAST attempt at a degree, having waited almost 2 decades for it, and I imagined life after another failed attempt - knowing it was within my grasp, not due to external, uncontrollable factors - and I couldn’t see myself living with that reality. Also, I decided to study for this degree because it aligns with who I am, and all my major life values - I’ve done a lot of work on this. I know what my life is like without a degree, and I wanted to open new doors to create a MUCH better life for myself. So this ‘focus hacking’ was a combination of SIGNIFICANT, personal “carrots and sticks”, pulling and pushing me forward. And it has had to be a regular practice - like every week or so. It created ‘eustress’ (healthy stress) but could occasionally tip over into distress (unhealthy levels of stress).

Have no idea if you’d be able to figure out your own way of ‘focus hacking’ for your hobbies. I’m clearly not finding a way to apply it to my own hobby 🤣 But I’m hoping to figure something out eventually. E.g. Maybe it needs to be driven by an immediate purpose that might create enough eustress to pressure me into doing the hobby NOW.

PossiblyAutistic , 4 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Took the referral from the company psychlogist recommending diagnosis for ADHD and ASD to my GP, got a referral to a psychiatrist and a name, called that one today, and surprisingly have an appointment in 1.5 weeks ... 😯

Any advice?

@actuallyautistic

AnAutieAtUni , 3 days ago

@PossiblyAutistic @actuallyautistic There are different assessment methods even within each country, so what I’m about to share may vary in its usefulness! But I think it’s very common to be asked about life events across your past where you think autism and/or ADHD traits played a part. They may ask you about specifics like major transitional periods in your life (moving schools, moving home, teenage years), or it may more likely be a case of you offering up memories of events that you think are appropriate.

A common thing they look for is whether traits are recent or there’s evidence during childhood / longer term. Don’t worry too much if you can’t remember - just tell them that you can’t remember. But anything you can remember can be very useful.

I echo the idea about notes - if only to help you remember key reasons you’re seeking these assessments. Assessors are trained to ask questions that help you to remember relevant events, but it just depends on the assessment format. My autism assessment was extremely comprehensive (3 sessions of 1-1.5 hours each), but my ADHD one felt very brief (1 hour only). Neither are better or worse, but I am glad I prepared for the brief assessment as I wouldn’t have had some key memories of my past ready in my mind otherwise. I can be rubbish at remembering things - even things I have recalled only recently and told myself to remember!!

“Being yourself” is certainly important, but can feel almost impossible in an assessment. They are usually very aware of “masking” and the anxiety most will feel during an assessment - all very natural responses to such a strange process. So being yourself might include being anxious, masking somewhat. It’s all ok, is my point. You could chat with them about the masking, though, for example.

If you have any questions you want to ask the assessor - have them ready, too. There isn’t usually any chance later on after the sessions. It can feel over and done with very quickly, and like a whirlwind. So have a think about what you might want to ask, especially considering all the possible conclusions of the assessment (whether autistic or not, ADHD or not, ‘type’ of ADHD, etc). When I thought about this, one thing I requested was that I wanted to know if they thought I was ‘borderline’ for any of them, no matter which side of the border of assessment criteria I was on. It’s more information than just binary yes/no that might help me later on. (But this comes with the caveat that assessments and their thresholds for a diagnosis for are human-made, and far from perfect!)

Hope this helps. Very happy for you that you have so little time to wait!

@actuallyadhd

AnAutieAtUni , 3 days ago

@PossiblyAutistic @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd Also - to add reassurance about what other evidence they may ask for - assessors know that a single piece of evidence is not conclusive in itself. They need to gather info about a lot of different areas to get a rounded picture.

E.g. School reports might show some useful things, but I’m in my 40s and there was no way I kept those for this long haha! So it was fine not to have them.

I asked a loved one to submit a form about me for one assessment - they gave answers in line with me NOT meeting assessment criteria (I am a heavy masker, plus I now know we both have ADHD and they think my ADHD specific quirks are just “normal” human things!) But this was optional anyway.

I refused to include any family member in my assessments in any way - this would have been extremely problematic for me. I would have had to refuse an assessment otherwise. But this was absolutely fine.

Physical health - don’t think I’ve been asked about this except for maybe in a questionnaire for ADHD. It’s only if you’re exploring medication options anyway, which not everyone does. You should have time to submit any info after you’re assessed, too. You absolutely shouldn’t be rushed into medications immediately, anyway - it should be on your terms, after a proper chat about it. I did share with them that I have a chronic illness, though, as it’s long-term and impacts my functionality, mentally and physically. I wanted to make sure they took that into account. Medications can also change physiology and mental health, so that’s useful to share.

Mental health - it’s very useful to share any info you have on your current and past mental health.

Ultimately - the assessors should tell you in advance what they want you to submit, or ask you about things during the assessment. If in doubt, get in contact with them and ask for clarity upfront if you need it. But keep in mind how varied assessments are even within a single country, so advice on social media may be very varied!

Hope it all goes well.

AnAutieAtUni , 5 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

Question for ADHD’ers:

(Trying to be smart and ask this question now, not after struggling for months like I did after my autism assessment.)

What helped support you most to process everything after you received a diagnosis of ADHD?

I’m talking about after having had an assessment with a clinician and receiving an official diagnosis of ADHD. (Self diagnosis is valid, etc etc. See my quoted post below. My experience of self-dx has been generally easier, so I’m asking specifically about after an assessment, which is more like an event in itself.)

Obviously, there’s nothing available for me from the place I got assessed, damnit. So I’m needing to figure out what to do myself. Realising I have many questions, doing a lot of questioning, too. Feeling the same as after the autism assessment a few years ago: my life has been assessed with all its challenges, I’ve been given a label and now I’m expected to just carry on. I’m massively grateful, but it’s a lot to take in. How do I begin to process it…

@actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic

From: @AnAutieAtUni
https://beige.party/@AnAutieAtUni/112684117363810968

AnAutieAtUni OP , 5 days ago

@wakame @actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic Thank you so much for sharing this. As someone who has just completed their 4th official attempt / 5th in total… at getting a degree at uni I definitely know what you mean about the challenges. It has been a very bumpy ride, but finding out I’m autistic 3 years ago helped point me in a better direction this time.

Really interesting to hear your journey with learning about the most common traits and also exploring medication. I have no idea about medication right now, but will chat with the clinician in a few weeks to learn more about all the options. I’ve got a couple of other health issues to be mindful of, but damn, I really want to get better at some important tasks related to life & work.

AnAutieAtUni OP , 5 days ago

@KekunPlazas @actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic Sounds like a really supportive way of approaching it. Thanks for sharing this.

AnAutieAtUni OP , 4 days ago

@wakame @actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic Thank you so much - wise advice!

I haven’t been following many medication threads here but the ones I have seen basically echo what you said. Sounds like everyone is very different, lots to take into account. I’m guessing it’ll be a long journey to figure this stuff out.

I’ve been wondering whether it’s worth it to explore it, especially with medication shortages, but I also want to be ready for when I feel I need that intervention to help me with work/life. Might as well start learning now.

AnAutieAtUni , 6 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

ADHD assessment done. Hi 👋 I’m officially AuDHD. What the flip.

No idea how I feel about this yet. May take a few days. Feel VERY sensitive about this right now so please be kind in the replies. Not sure whether to cry, be happy, relieved, or just overwhelmed… I’ll settle for a few silent expletives and going non-speaking for a while (days?).

(P.S. Self identifying is valid. I had just realised I may as well self identify regardless of the assessment outcome, but I’m someone who needed this second opinion by a qualified clinician. My self dx’s of autism and ADHD have both proved to be accurate.)

@actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic

AnAutieAtUni OP , 5 days ago

@johne @actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic Thank you! Yeah when you find that it fits, might as well explore more. Hope all goes well.

AnAutieAtUni OP , 5 days ago

@vger @actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic Thank you. Hope you are processing it all ok. Taking our time sounds very wise…

AnAutieAtUni OP , 5 days ago

@Zumbador @actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic Thank you! I really thought that - because I’m aware of the imposter syndrome thing - that I would avoid it. But it turns out your reminder was perfectly timed. I went down a spiral pretty quickly. Doing better today, but glad to be a bit more aware in case/when it resurfaces.

It really is ‘amazing’ to me how it was a shock even though I had figured it out. I guess it’s really natural when you only start to realise later in life, versus having an idea about being ND from an earlier age. Plenty of time practising writing off my challenges using cruel reasons instead. Hmmm. Thank goodness for the chance to change that mindset now.

AnAutieAtUni OP , 5 days ago

@pathfinder @actuallyadhd @actuallyautistic Thank you so much! Definitely collecting all the acronyms!! 😅 Since I started my degree I’ve collected way more ‘bits of paper’ than expected (was hoping for just 1: a degree!). Not all diagnoses - a few extra accomplishments at uni - but wowzers, I just didn’t expect so much self-learning alongside academic learning. I can’t imagine my life without having stumbled across neurodiversity by accident at uni now… Truly. The future looks much more empowered with that self-knowledge, versus stumbling across “surprise” challenges that I can’t “fix” and feel like Groundhog Day.

catswhocode , 8 days ago to ActuallyAutistic group

@actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd Is it an ADHD/autistic thing to have tons of tabs open in your browser? I do this :blobfoxlaughsweat: what happens is I'll think of something, open a tab, and then forget that I opened it

AnAutieAtUni , 8 days ago

@catswhocode @actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd Don’t know if it is a trait of either, but I do this!

I am still trying to do my original task now but I ended up opening several tabs in the background, fully intending to follow through and see those pages, but by the time I get to them, I have forgotten why I opened them 😅 Damnit! If I do get round to viewing them, I can open many more tabs in the background and repeat the process until I’ve gone from 1 initial tab to too many to count! Oops!

Sometimes it’s nice to see the tabs later and go, “oh, that’s interesting!” without a clue how I got there!! I may remember how later, but I also try really hard to close tabs that have no obvious purpose (but so hard if you can’t remember if they’re important or not!!)