@ScottSoCal@Lotta@foolishowl@Ilovechai@autisticadvocacy@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd Yes I agree. I love my 4 dogs & 2 cats… just the right amount of totally interested in you & a healthy dose of seriously? You have to pet me the way I like & I will let you kiss my head & talk to the butt, unless you have squishy food… up to you all to determine which species is which. But safe space!
Do you guys also combine almost pathological conflict avoidance - and the brilliant talent to create a conflict out of nothing just trying to explain your point of view or to point out some factual error another person made while talking about your special interest?
I don’t defend myself, I don’t tell I don’t like something or that I see that I am being taken advantage of or being lied to, or that someone hurts me - I never raise a voice and tell that, or question them, or demand my rights and all - because I am terribly afraid on conflicts. Not even that I won’t be liked, or that there’s going to be some consequence or anything. Just a conflict itself. I’m scared even when there’s a conflict that doesn’t include me nearby, but even the shadow of an idea that something I may say may create a conflict makes me go silent, and just dodge and tolerate more, doesn’t matter how bad I feel.
But when just discussing something - I mean not something important, may be a birds name, a train route from 80-s, the way some thing works etc - any abstract staff that doesn’t correspond to my life in any way - especially when I clearly see the opponent is making the factual error or denying my actual experience with the topic - it does create a conflict, and people would say I am a conflicting person, I am the one who likes to just disagree and all.
Is that desire to avoid conflict at all costs - and the inability to actually spot when another person starts to see your discussion as a conflict - some #neurodivergent thing? #autism #AuDHD #ADHD @actuallyautistic
The desire to avoid conflict at all cost is, I think, a consequence of being traumatised in particular ways because of being neurodivergent. And not all neurodivergent people experience the same type of trauma, or respond to that trauma by becoming conflict avoidant, hypervigilant and people pleasers.
But I certainly have!
At the moment I'm dealing with it by opting out of any discussions that become too heated, and the consequence of that is that I'm being told I'm "Too passive" 😑🙄
@olena@actuallyautistic absolutely rings a bell. 1.avoiding conflict at almost all cost: check -this I am getting better at because it could cause problems where I didn't fend for myself enough and suffered the consequences, and 2.defending what I think is right even though it's not the time or place or person to do this with, and unwittingly creating a conflict? check! I seldom realize these things are true unless someone else -like you- phrases them first.
We got free lunches at work: on the weekend, they send the menu, people choose between three options for each of two meals for each workday, and the food is delivered every day fresh from a restaurant nearby(not a fancy one, typical “homemade” food). If you need, they provide options for vegans or food restricting diets.
I am the only person in the office not doing that. I cannot explain to my coworkers why.
No, I don’t think the food is bad. No, I am not dieting, I am not looking for ‘something healthy’, I am not counting calories.
I am eating at work my fruit and yogurt every day, not being restricted to the time when their food arrives, and I am happy.
I can’t explain to them that I can’t carry such a commitment as decide on a weekend what to eat each day, and have to follow that. What if I don’t feel like that food? What if it’s not what I pictured in my head when ordering? What if I am not hungry? What if I get hungry earlier? And I just can’t do a full meal in the middle of a day and work after that. The meal should be at home, with some rest after it, or in the restaurant, with a good walk before and after, and good conversation during it. And I don’t want to eat a salad if it wasn’t done this very second right here because of frivolous microbiology thoughts. And anyway I prefer to cook myself, when I know perfectly well what it is, how it is done, and I balance the tastes and flavors to my own liking(I like to go to gourmet places somewhere, but it’s not an everyday experience, I doubt I’d be able to eat out every day anyway)
So, I’ve been asked again and again why wouldn’t I order something for myself, and every time I have to say ‘no, thanks’ and can’t tell why.
@sapphireangel@cordova5029@actuallyautistic didn’t hear about intuitive eating before. If it’s eating what feels right and when it feels right - it’s how I mostly tend to eat
@olena@cordova5029@actuallyautistic Yes. It is about listening to your body and eating what it tells you. It takes time for some to understand their body signals, but for me it's easy. I know when I need salty foods. I know when I don't etc.
I don’t operate the world putting everything into defined folders and boxes of clear tree-like structure (like I do on my laptop).
I operate the world by slapping infinite amount of tags on everything (which do not exist independently like in some tag cloud, but are rather interconnected in their own ways), and then tag-filtering or pulling the chain of tags when I need.
Sure, from outside that looks like a totally random chaotic pile, but it has its own structure, just the structure is different to what is usually pictured as a structure.
I used to have 5000 VHS cassettes (imagine the space that took up!) but I got rid of those and ended up with around 4000 DVD's. I now have about 3000 assorted BluRays and DVD's (after i moved in with my now wife) and I need a database to track what I already own as I'm prone to purchasing dupes!
But they're alphabetical sorted in clip folders (sans cases) in punched pockets with 4 dvd's to a page.
@DoctorDisco@pathfinder@olena@actuallyautistic I was in the Oxfam bookshop last week, and found a book about the Great Game (i.e. 19th-century geopolitics) in the games section. I moved it to history.
“Don’t assume, ask” - is the approach I share. However, there are many people to whom asking seems like something rude and inappropriate. And those people would assume.
The thing is, I am one of those people that usually can’t be accurately assumed: if you’d think a person that does this and this would also do that, the one who likes this and this would hate that and so on - most probably, I’d not follow that pattern. For that very reason I’ve been called ‘eclectic’, or less politely - ‘messy’, ‘illogical’, and all sorts of weird - most of my life, and for that very reason some people are kinda afraid of me: they can’t predict because their assumptions aren’t correct.
In turn, for me it’s very frustrating/confusing to see that someone is offended by me asking directly instead of assuming because all I want is to avoid any misunderstanding and clarify things.
I feel like #AuDHD is quite an eclectic thing per se(due to some #autism aspects looking from a certain point of view as opposite to those of #ADHD), so maybe that is the key to me being so, well, contradictory in eyes of other people.
I wonder, if that asking is just #autistic desire to have things clear and precise, or assuming/asking divide does not correspond to the NT/ND one #neurodivergent @actuallyautistic
Just realized that spending time with people I know, including - no, especially! - family, drains me out so much not because of all the activities, noise, planning and plans being neglected and all those things, but because of masking. Like, 95% of my energy goes to masking, to staying within acceptable range. Internalizing the meltdown that happened because of being overwhelmed takes more energy than actually dealing with being overwhelmed. Having plans established when I offered going without a plan, than changed, than cancelled, than uncancelled, than changed again and the day ruined is hard, but being smily and kind and attentive, and fun and creative after that is much more draining.
I know why most of us hate being observed: because if observed, we have to mask harder - so instead of doing the task itself and dedicating all of us to it, we have to use a lot of energy to constantly control the way we’re perceived to make sure the mask didn’t slip.
@Susan60@pathfinder@olena@actuallyautistic I guess there's a moment where I have to trust that people will hear what I've got to say, in good faith. If they can't, there's nothing I can do about it, but never sharing my needs, I'll never give them the chance to accept me.
@pathfinder@CynAq@actuallyautistic
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ah, there's a thing, those thoughts resided in my siblings rather than me, about me "being stuck," - meaning, Autistic - but the effect was no different, I was still stuck fighting them ❤️
@CynAq@actuallyautistic Totally agree. The advice I’ve found so far re my selective mute autistic child is to expose her to social interactions. But that will only be traumatic for her. Surely, even for a neuro typical child, if they are selective mute, it is for trauma related reasons, and simply pushing them out of their comfort zone is dangerous? A lot of neuro and mental health advice really sucks
I don’t have nostalgia. I don’t miss places. I may remember them vividly, and love something about them, and hold it dear in my heart, but when I leave - I don’t want to come back.
Actually, I feel rather bad if for some reason I have to. Because the place has already changed. Because I have already changed. Because we’re out of sync now(if we ever were). Because I don’t belong. And seeing that hurts actually way more than just not returning.
Maybe it has something to do with the lack of object permanence. Maybe it is more about that autistic refusal to accept the reality which differs from expectations. Inside, I feel like a kid having a meltdown in the middle of the shopping mall because the toy they got was not 100% what they imagined it was going to be. No place is what you remember when you return after leaving. Maybe that’s the reason.
Is it something other #neurodivergent people also experience often? Do you feel nostalgic often or refuse to get back?
@olena@actuallyautistic Nostalgia isn't a thing for me, either. I may remember good things about a time or place, but those memories don't exist in a vacuum. There were bad things about the time/place, too, and most of the time those bad things are sufficiently connected to the good as to not be separable. The good and the bad made me who I am today, but I can't imagine wanting to actually revisit them.
@dweebish@olena@actuallyautistic Exactly. I do feel nostalgia, but it is always accompanied by the memories of bad things that happened alongside the good. I had a pretty good childhood that I am grateful for, but I do not ever want to teleport back to my childhood to live that way again. Too many things happened in my childhood that I DON’T want to relive either…
Had a gf who was stunned to discover that, and when she performed the experiment it turned out that a couple of days later she developed a sharp, not entirely pleasant, scent. She went back to soap+deodorant at that point.
That was educational for both of us. In the "people like Moz really exist" sense.
@nddev@hlangeveld@moz@Zumbador@autism101@actuallyautistic Ewwww. I've never used fabric softener just on the basis that the fewer chemicals touching my skin the better but I had no idea they were this awful. Thanks for the info!
Just was ‘diagnosed’ with anxiety today after talking to a psychiatrist for five minutes (I’m using quotes because it seems a bit too preliminary to me to diagnose whoever with whatever after about 5 minutes of general talk).
Came asking for #ADHD and #autism evaluation. Was totally ignored on that regard) Of course, didn’t have courage to ask again.
Was it so obvious? Was I just a walking stereotype: middle-aged woman from a war-thorn country living alone who voluntarily came to a psychiatrist(doesn’t matter what else she has, she can’t NOT be anxious)?
Or is it just a general experience of most of #AuDHD female-passing folks: to be seen as anxious, to have most of their symptoms attributed to #anxiety (not like I was asked about any symptoms, but maybe have demonstrated some?)?
@olena@actuallyautistic don't give anything on this 'diagnosis' and look for another doc, some local self help groups can recommend good ones to you.
and it feels mostly how it goes for me and many people i know, but i guess there was an extra bit of dismissive behavior by the doc added on top because of your history. such an arsehole.
@ashleyspencer@olena@actuallyautistic Unprofessional! My assessment (in the Netherlands) took 4 x 1 hour meetings with me, with lots of questionnaires etc. to complete. This was with a psychologist. On one of the meetings my sister joined us, as a close member of the family. #ActuallyAutistic
I've been Tooting a lot about my current struggles relating to: moving/changing life/changing routine/being social on social media. Maybe you've noticed... 😉
I'm looking for peeps to follow! Peeps to chat with. Maybe you've been in "my" situation, maybe you'll be in "my" situation (soon), or maybe you just wanna try out your social skills (like I do).
Please drop me a Toot!
:blobCat_angel:
This time, this Toot, I will be brave and tag the Actually Autistics group for a boost :boosts_ok_gay:
Be warned, I either Toot my fingers off, or I'll lurk from a safe hiding spot...
Everytime I stand in front of the door and frantically search for the keys in my bag, all that #anxiety makes me panic, pushes me to the verge of tears - even though it is not such a big deal because I’m not in a hurry and if anything, the concierge has a spare pair.
So, naturally, my #autistic brain tries to compensate for a possible #ADHD fail - and every time I walk home, I feel almost unbeatable urge to get my keys out of my bag to my hand when I am still like 200 meters from home.
I suppose, it’s the same overcompensation mechanism that makes me come to airport at least two hours before the departure and to a train station at least an hour before, buy spares of essentials each time a bottle starts feeling not full, or always have a stocked pantry(though there may be multiple of ones and none of others as I always forget to check what I have before going to the store)
Is this exaggerated(to the point of creating problems) ‘better safe than sorry’ something #AuDHD people are more prone to? Do you guys also do that? @actuallyautistic
I can definitely relate, and can also see this in my partner. (I’m happy to get to the airport at the recommended time, early but not stupidly do, but he’d rather get there at least an hour earlier again.)
So, it was good. Very emotional roller coaster. I thought my son was bored but he wasn’t antsy to leave. As we were walking out, he shared that he really liked it. It certainly felt authentic.
The story is focused more on a family and inter-generational perspective, which I think will make it more acressivle and relatable to a broader audience.
@btaroli Thanks for sharing what you thought about the movie. I was very intrigued by the trailer, and it looked like it had the potential of being a very thought and emotion provoking movie.... but wanted to wait to see what others thought about it before checking it out.