Tonight’s quote describes my original copies of ‘The Colour of Magic’ & Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy.
“It looked like the sort of book described in library catalogues as "slightly foxed", although it would be more honest to admit that it looked as though it had been badgered, wolved and possibly beared as well.”
--(Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)
Thank you to everyone who has tracked me down to the Beige & shared TLs again, you are all truly lovely Peeps.
Hopefully other friends will follow suite over the next few days.
Where ever you are in your day I hope you’re enjoying it! 😊🫶🐿️🖖
@MAJ1
Have a good night sweets!!!
Hope all your friends will find you again. 😊 And maybe you'll make some new ones along the way as well, with all folks sharing your newly made toots! 😁
Sweet dreams 😴
"in modern humans, language is a tool for communication, contrary to a prominent view that we use language for thinking.",
" language does not appear to be a prerequisite for complex thought, including symbolic thought."
"it plausibly co-evolved with our thinking and reasoning capacities, and only reflects, rather than gives rise to, the signature sophistication of human cognition"
I had an ADHD event this morning. I used to explain these away or blame them on external causes or other people.
If I’d taken my meds when I woke, I would’ve been fine, but I didn’t. I tried to do too much before leaving for my appointment, jumped on the wrong tram, had to call an Uber, then got confused about the meeting point. Rang my skin guy & was able to rejigger appointment, which gave me time for a decaf & a decompress.
My oldest has always been more philosophical than me on these things, better at accepting that it is what it is and then adjusting. I used to be good at doing that when others stuffed up (but maybe less patient with my oldest) but would get very upset about my own occasional dramas, maybe because underneath my externalisation of responsibility, I knew it was me.
But this morning I just accepted I’d stuffed up, did what I had to do & accepted that I might have to rebook the appointment. Fortunately they were able to juggle. The worst part is causing other people inconvenience. I’m acutely aware of that, maybe because of RSD? (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)
Uber driver was a lovely Manchurian who has his skin check booked. 😊Currently waiting for anaesthetic to take effect.
I'm pretty sure that it's mostly trauma from NT reactions to our ND moments.
Like, when our daughter has any trouble in school, it's immediately her fault for not fitting in, not the school's fault for not accommodating her needs. And of course the school takes this to us, so we have to balance appeasing them against protecting her from demands that are just not made with her in mind.
@Susan60@pathfinder@actuallyautistic I find it so hard not to automatically side with the school, because it's the same story I heard all my life, even though I have evidence right in front of my eyes that, no, this is not the right approach for her.
It's taken me a while, but looking at this reaction of mine in terms of trauma just makes the most sense. At least that POV lets me make better decisions for our kid.
And then it becomes super obvious when I'm hard on myself, that it's the same.
One of the things I find myself struggling with a lot as an autistic person with an autistic partner is how often there are moments where I do not honor my own needs or preferences because they seemingly conflict with my partner's needs and preferences, and how it feels easier to mask my discomfort than to express a different preference and potentially provoke unnecessary dysregulation and conflict.
On the rare occasion I do speak up and we try things my way and it fails miserably because it isn't his way, I get so disappointed and upset that he's unable to be as flexible as I force myself to be for him and his sensory needs, and wish we'd never tried doing it my way in the first place.
This doesn't exactly feel healthy to me, but I'm not really sure how to interpret what I feel either.
@spika@Zumbador@actuallyautistic I don't think it "feels" dismissive of your autism, I think it is dismissive of your autism, and I think it's okay to admit that to yourself.
It sounds like your partner isn't accounting for masking strategies, and is therefore dismissive of any needs that he can't see. I think you might need to have a conversation when neither of you are in meltdown about the types of experience you're internalising and how that affects you.
@Jobob@Zumbador@actuallyautistic Yeah, I think you're right that he's not accounting for masking strategies. We've also only been aware that I may be autistic for little over a year at this point, and when we're both calm, we've had some pretty good affirming conversations about it.
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 235 , Wednesday 19/06/2024
TL;DR Geoff hates me, misgendereation ,Mastodon moves are afoot, cats & the art of bird catching !
Geoff was a gut wrenching SoB last night, apparently standing for any length of time is a no,no. However I have his measure now & medicated his ass! (Do toes have asses ? ) so somewhere around midnight after some nice chats with a couple of lovely friends (who I how will still be friends by the end of this post🫣🤞🥰) I managed to get to sleep.
Up at just before 6am.
Started to make breakfast when yon OH opened the kitchen door to the garage & discovered Alice had brought a live present. So rather than shooing her out Mrs S. closed the door & looked expectantly at me, the vanished into the lounge closing all the doors behind her.
Turns out Alice had delivered a fledgling, which promptly vanished down the side of the washing machine! 🙄🤦♂️
As I was clearing a path to rescue the little perisher it did a 180 & vanished behind the washing machine , eschewing the more easily accessible (for me) space under the shelves next to the washer!
I pulled the washing machine out but the little sod (you’ll notice I’m becoming less enamoured with our uninvited guest) vanished behind the 6ft tall freezer next to the washing machine!
Pulling the washer out was hard enuf with 2 manky feet , especially with Geoff being all swollen , the is no chance that the freezer is coming out!
So the state of play is that I have pushed the washer back , leaving a suitable gap between it & the freezer for yon tweety pie to escape if it so desires.
Obviously I still had to make breakfast & then sort out the dishes & empty the dishwasher after all this , as Mrs S. had to get ready for work (a process that takes an hour & involves a ½ hour rest on the bed! ) so I’ve come back to bed because I’m clean out of spoons.
So here’s the thing: My voice has never broken, it got a little deeper but it has to be said my voices matches my persona as a squirrel perfectly! I wonder if it is an autistic comorbidity ?
This has meant thru out my life being misgendered on the phone ! Even when I’ve confirmed my given name, which is very obviously male, callers that don’t know me often still call me Mrs …. It’s VERY frustrating !
I know my nature is to be kind & show emotions easily & to expess love for anything that doesn’t get away fast enuf but that’s because I am kind by nature, I was brought up to be thoughtful of others , I am woke as it is possible to be , & also it is a defence against the horror that is me in full autistic frustration mode , my temper is like a bomb going off on the few occasions I lose it 🙄🤦♂️
I also suffer from Trichotillomania which makes hair & body hair management a trial.
All these things seem to give the impression I’m not a red blooded male. Which I am. I simply lack some of the less agreeable traits of some ‘alpha’ males ! (I still wanna fly fast jets though ! 🤣)
Really anyone bringing their dongle near me with the intention of amorous adventures or trying to stick me in a dress is not going to get far.
The really frustrating thing for me is that my natural instinct to identify as a CIS male means I cop for all the hate that is aimed at that group, despite the fact that when some folks interact with me without seeing my physical form they assume I’m something I’m really not!
I was talking to a good friend last night , no not you CDP 🧚♀️, & we were chatting about the whole hair thing … this isn’t about you ! (There’s a song in there somewhere ) Our discussion merely led me to think on this subject is all.
I wonder if I’ll be accused of being an misogynist off the back of this post 🤔
15:00 News update: the bird has left the building! The fledgling was a sparrow who about an hour ago got up the courage to fly out thru the open garage door - much to my relief!
In other news I have had a cardiology phone consult this afternoon with regards to the dizzy spells I keep getting when stressed. He is putting me on a halter monitor for 48 hours to see what is going on. He is not particularly optimistic that a resolution will be found , but he says my heart is strong so there is nothing to worry about unless the monitor shows something.
I’m quite proud of myself tonight, I actually got some stuff done this afternoon that has been waiting for a while.
Updated the router firmware & reconfigured the VPN, set up a Proton mail a/c.
I also created a new main Mastodon a/c on Beige.Party, more news of that tomorrow when I have moved stuff over from Mastodonapp.UK
Final Thoughts.
One cannot predict what will happen to make or break ones day. For most folk it’s a case of deal with it & move on, for many ND folk it buggers up the whole day !
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Some U.S. states have registries and laws requiring that mental health professionals and physicians register autistic clients. They can be fined, disciplined, or lose their license if they don't report.
@spika@autism101@actuallyautistic
Personal info would be easy to trace back to a patient through the name of the doctor and with the MAGA types in government, I would also hesitate.
Pride, is both a celebration and an affirmation of our existence. It is the latter for me that is all important. As someone who very late in life realised I was autistic, I had spent a lifetime knowing only that I was different, but not how. It was a hole in me that I couldn't fill, a sense of something missing, a lack that always felt more about how broken I was than anything. As a consequence it became something to hide, to mask and to be ashamed of. It was my dirty, dark secret and the core of my existence. The knowledge that no matter what, I was wrong and always would be.
Realising I was autistic, filled that hole. It taught me to see the difference as, if not always positive, at least natural and normal. I was never broken, I was just trying to function in the world in the way that was right for me. A world, that in so many ways, was hostile to that, unforgiving about difference and those who stood out too far. I had, in fact, been simply trying my best with the tools that I had, the tools that came naturally to me, even if no one else ever saw that.
Having a day to remember this. To remember the past and the pain and the blind struggle. To remember how far I've come and how much I've learnt and have yet to learn (because finally I can). To be able to stand out and say "yes, I am", is important not just for us, but others walking this path. For too long being autistic was a dark and terrible secret. For too long its truth has been hidden behind ignorance and misinformation. That is what days like this are for and why they are so important. To show the world that autism and being autistic, is nothing to hide and nothing to fear. Happy pride day everyone.
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic
It’s extremely difficult to sort the level of bias you need to understand about humans in general with implicit bias.
To be able to understand your own.
You need some kind of baseline and you need a ton of accurate memories you may have forgotten.
Once you get that down. You can perhaps semi connect your own dots on the rabbit hole.
Quentin Crisp once said something like (paraphrasing): you can’t be proud of being gay as if it were an achievement because it’s not something you’ve done - but you can be proud of not being ashamed of being gay.
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 234 , Tuesday 18/06/2024
Geoff was headed off at the pass last night & medicated into submission so I actually got some decent sleep!
Up at 6 to sort breakfast , then elevated Geoff for the rest of the day - read my book & floated around the Fediverse for a while.
There are moves afoot to get my MAJ1 a/c moved to Beige.Party , I like the freedoms of the 11k chrs , it’s very liberating !
I messed up tonight, I made salad for tea - I like to take my time so it usually takes a good 45 minutes .
Geoff does NOT like being stood on for 45 minutes ! He’s really swollen now!
It didn’t help that he got another 20 minutes being stood on after tea because herself cannot be trusted to wash greasy dishes or heavy duty stains like beetroot. There are days when single life is very appealing!
Looks like another round of the dreaded colchicine for me - I may leave it till tomorrow , see if he settles down overnight.
Got a phone appt with the cardiologist tomorrow vis a vis my dizzy spells , I’m not really holding out a lot of hope but hey…
Final Thoughts.
This is supposed to be my ASD diary, it’s turning out to cover a multitude of things !
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
This essay somehow resonates in me. Since I can remember, I never understood genders. It's simply not a thing for me. Why should we be restrained and oppress ourselves with a binary choice? It doesn't make any sense in a world of diversity. It's a purely social construction that doesn't feet my view and who I am. We are all humans.
“Autistic people aren’t being fooled into being nonbinary. We see past the binary that fools you.”
@nddev @james@DoomsdaysCW@Autistrain@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity
Intriguing. Realizing that I was demisexual (by coming across the word, no less!) was a close second to having been diagnosed as being “on the spectrum”. Pieces didn’t really know existed fell into place.
Question for autistics: What did you do to celebrate or mark the occasion when you found out you’re autistic?
Context:
Many people find the discovery that they’re autistic is very helpful for them, even liberating, as they can now learn more about themselves and their needs, etc. Feelings toward it are usually quite complex, not simple, but lots of people have said they celebrated when they discovered they’re autistic because overall, it is a positive thing. Some autistic people mark the anniversary and have a mini celebration in their own way each year.
My answer to the question:
Although cakes are popular, I decided to do something longer lasting and more special to me. There is an artist who paints nature scenes with animals and I saw a beautiful limited edition print by her up for sale. I rarely ever buy pictures like this as I simply don’t have the spare cash, but the picture reminds me of myself and my love of nature and animals, and reminds me of the parts of myself I kept hidden for so long. It now hangs on my wall at home for me to see every day. I may not be openly autistic (yet) but I do want to be openly myself in other ways like being open about what brings me joy - and this painting keeps reminding me of that.
My self realisation happened relatively quickly, but still over several weeks, so I don't have a definite date that I can celebrate. "More or less in August /September" is the closest I can get.
But I like the idea of finding a way to express this particular joy.
@actuallyautistic#actuallyautistic In the process of completing my online faculty training course to be a GSA next year...literally EVERYTHING is so vague and confusing.
Emailed the faculty coordinator about it and he told me that I was so ahead in the course that I was outpacing the course administrators. So basically, I'm working ahead so quickly that IT and my course instructor haven't had a chance to update my course info, so that's why everything is confusing.
@chevalier26@actuallyautistic
I think it's one of those things where it depends on the circumstances. In the right environment questions are not only welcome, but a required part of the process. A good teacher not only wants their pupils to ask if they are confused, but will use these moments as a way of making the process more interactive and productive for all.
In other situations questions are seen as either an unwarranted interruption, or as a sign of personal failure and even possibly an attack on the person's position.
Making it clear beforehand that your questions are necessary and not to be judged as anything other than genuine, may help.
I did a technical training at my work for about 20 years, and I'm currently mentoring a new-hire in my department.
ASK QUESTIONS!
At the beginning of my training sessions I told people to interrupt me and ask - questions are welcome, even encouraged. The mentee I'm telling to go into the labs, watch what they're doing, and ask questions. I told him to ask me questions. That's how you learn. That's how I learned.
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 233 , Monday 17/06/2024
Geoff was a vicious bugger last night he had to be evicted from under the covers & subdued with paracodol !
Had a nice chat with the CDP 🧚♀️ until around 1am when the pain relief fully kicked in & sleep overtook me.
Up at just after 6am to get breakfast for Mrs S.
Had to spend the day elevating Geoff to new heights , which seemed to impress him to a degree. I let the pain killers wear off thru the day so that I can reduce the risk of dependance. That said will be hitting them tonight because Geoff is an unforgiving toe it seems.
So talking to a couple of peeps today & my low selfesteem / Imposter Syndrome kicked in again.
I know logically that multibillion dollar companies don’t just let anyone play with their mainframes & critical systems. I know that few folks expertise covers the full breadth of computing related areas. But still I cannot help but feel a dullard in the face of a lot of my peers.
Possibly it is because I made career critical decisions based on incomplete knowledge (ie I was autistic) that within a decade laid waste to my professional career & broke me to the point of having to retire early on health grounds.
It could also be that I am my own worst critic & still berate myself for not doing better then, & now.
I fear that all I am doing now is treading water, waiting for the inevitable alternative to taxes.
Managed to get a few hours in on NMS for the first time in a few days. Finished the first of 4(5? ) phases & got a couple achievements in a few of the others .
Final Thoughts.
How can I think about moving into social circles where I can stress about whether a whole new group of people might judge me & find me wanting?
How do I not be like this ?
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
@ketmorco@Tim_McTuffty@actuallyautistic 👍🏻 that's what I meant with my reply as well... There's always people that are "better", but there's also loads that are "less"... It's not a competion... I wanna know things so I'll research them. But I do that for me, not because someone else may already know more... If that makes sense...
I received a message with a link to a local newspaper speaking about autism.
As always they need education on the topic
I had to kindly explain the article about the promotion of aspie supremacy. What bring us to point 1.
We need to better educate journalists on the topic. I see all the time bad and pathologising articles on the subject of autism. It's like autistics aren't human or we have to be cured. It's not fine at all.
It's also impacting my mental health and wellbeing when I read too many of these articles. It's not a good thing to read too many.
Furthermore, it would be nice if the society will be informed about how we live in reality. The propagation of the stereotype and misinformation about autism and autistic has to stop. We are valid human how we are and we deserve respect.
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 232 , Sunday 16/06/2024
Woke to a gloriously sunny Sunday morning, with clouds lurking around the edges ready to pounce later in the day.
Got my act into gear around 8am & tumbled out of bed, made breakfast & then relaxed over my coffee until it was time to get showered & changed to cross the hills to Liverpool & visit my brother to celebrate his birthday.
The trip across was thru torrential rain that did not really ease up until we approached the NW coast. The the clouds broke & the sun came out.
We had a great day, I enjoyed it more than I expected to.
My sister was the only fly in the ointment, she is mother to my 2 autistic nephews, she herself is NT , however she started lecturing me on what I was & wasn’t capable of, saying how much more she understood about being autistic than I did …. I was good & kept my peace.
There was lots off lovely food, my Bro is a bit of a BBQ fanatic, not as enthusiastic as @kaybee335 (who is a BBQing god IMHO) but does throw together a mean spread!
I was fairly good, Geoff behaved himself most of the day & I didn’t want to aggravate him too much so just had a little bit of everything & didn’t go mad.
Had the first piece of cake since Easter! It was heaven!
Herself decided that 6:30pm was late enough & that we should go home, to be fair we did have a 2 hour drive home & tomorrow is a work day!
The drive home was ,in stark contrast to this morning’ a lovely drive, fine weather & only got stuck in traffic once. Some nutter in a white transit gave us a scare by overtaking us (me doing the speed limit was just too slow for him! ) in an extremely dubious location & nearly ploughed into the bonnet of the oncoming car for his trouble. I am not too proud to say that I was thinking my time was done for a few seconds there because we would have been intimately involved. His reward, because it was only a 2 lane highway with very few passing places , was that he stayed in the same place in front of us for the next 5 miles until our paths parted ways.
Got home & texted my Bro we had got home safe, he was a little upset to learn that we had had sunny weather all the way home & that we are enjoying a sunny evening as I write. Apparently it started raining ½ an hour after we left. 😆
Final Thoughts.
I enjoyed today a lot more than I thought I would, it does the soul good to have a laugh & joke in the company of those we love.
Why do some NT folk think that they can know more about ND folk than ND folk themselves ???
I am blessed that pretty much all the NT folk I know in the Fediverse do not do this, realising perhaps that while some experiences are very much shared , some really aren’t!
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
@Tim_McTuffty@kaybee335@actuallyautistic
Morning lovely 🐿️🐿️
Sounds like yesterday was a good day on balance ⚖️
We do a similar journey in reverse to Sheffield to see Ms DT, Snake Pass and Woodhead can be scary with someone sniffing at your exhaust!!
Hope today goes well for you 🥰🥰
Know both those roads well. Yes they can !
Once nearly got killed because an oncoming car overtook, I caused a decent pile up (nobody hurt but 5 or 6 cars behind me all shunted) because I had to slam on the brakes to avoid being a bonnet ornament!
@actuallyautistic#actuallyautistic I’m in shock right now and feel like I could burst into tears…my parents and I are out at lunch, and my mom just asked me out of the blue, “what gives you joy?” And I said, “why are you asking me that?” She essentially responded by telling me that to her, I showed no evidence that I had any joy in my life, and that there is nothing that makes me happy.
are valid, and using visibility options is a good thing.
I also didn’t mean you specifically in my explanation. What I do hope is that maybe it was useful for some in understanding the side effects of removing the group tag.
The group only boosts to members. I often only fav and don’t boost group posts as that would reach all my followers outside of the group, too, and they’re often too personal for that.
Kudos to you for using this manual workaround for this flaw of Mastodon’s, it really wasn’t designed for small servers. Rochko himself opened a github issue in 2016 and it hasn’t been worked on since, in spite of people offering him ideas and time.
I hope it didn’t come off as disrespectful and oppressive when I asked to please keep the tag. And I did say all those reasons