Last night, I thought I was going to have two video chats with dating prospects. The chats did not happen, and I don't know why. It could be as simple as a miscommunication.
The anxiety, however, is real. I've been cast aside by so many people for dubious reasons that even when things are going well, I think they are going badly. :holdthepain:
Last night, I had a dream that I was at some sort of event. I was with a group of friends. There was a crowd, and we had to make our way through the crowd.
The group got ahead of me, and eventually lost me. There I was alone in the crowd, with no one wondering where I was.
I don't think it was a coincidence that I had that dream after my two video chats did not happen.
@actuallyautistic#ActuallyAutistic any advice on how to tactfully tell co-workers who are excessively using Teams chat that you’re not interested in the chatter without coming across as “uncooperative", “rude", “not a team player" etc.
Tonight’s quote describes my original copies of ‘The Colour of Magic’ & Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy.
“It looked like the sort of book described in library catalogues as "slightly foxed", although it would be more honest to admit that it looked as though it had been badgered, wolved and possibly beared as well.”
--(Terry Pratchett, The Light Fantastic)
Thank you to everyone who has tracked me down to the Beige & shared TLs again, you are all truly lovely Peeps.
Hopefully other friends will follow suite over the next few days.
Where ever you are in your day I hope you’re enjoying it! 😊🫶🐿️🖖
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 236 , Thursday 20/06/2024
Geoff was subdued with a new course of colchicine yesterday then pain killers to make sur eye behaved overnight.
Was up late last night moving MAJ1 to Beige.Party, so many folks have sound him in his new home & shared timelines with him again , very chuffed !
The CDP 🧚♀️ kept me company, for which I am grateful 😊
My foot is a lot better today, I’m still favouring it & elevating it but it is getting there!
Spent most of the day flolloping around the Fediverse (keen Hitch-hikers will argue that only live mattresses on Squornshellous Zeta can flollop but I would argue Squirrels can too!)
Had posh fish n chips for tea, smoked salmon & salad with chippy chips ! Yummy & mostly healthy .
Final Thoughts.
My brain is trying to second guess my moving MAJ1 , wondering if it was the right thing to do, wondering if it would change the experience of the Fediverse .
I stamped hard on these thoughts & looked at the positive side, that folk have reshared my MAJ1 timeline , that peeps are engaging & that I have a second account where I can wax lyrical. 😊
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
@actuallyautistic#actuallyautistic Do any of y'all have EXTREME heat intolerance? It's like the older I get the more I can't put up with hot weather. I've always been very "hot-natured," prefer winter over summer, etc. but this year I think my intolerance has been the worst yet. Friends are telling me how it's peak summer weather (90 degrees is comfortable?!?) meanwhile I start sweating when it's 70+ degrees Fahrenheit outside. What gives?
Over the past few months I have really been ruminating on what “masculinity” and “femininity” even are, and those terms are mostly defined by stereotypes. Like, I know I’m a woman but I’ve always felt like “just some guy.” I’ve never had dysphoria or anything, and I have a biblical understanding of sexuality, but cultural ideas about gender make no sense to me. All of this is so confusing. Any ideas?
@actuallyautistic#ActuallyAutistic just started yet another documentary series on Jonestown (my 4th now), and while i consider movies/tv and true crime among my special interests, is watching multiple versions of something on the same topic a special interest or just a part of the master ones?
also, this new series is by far the worst so far -- very superficial. all the others have given me new information that the others had not.
"in modern humans, language is a tool for communication, contrary to a prominent view that we use language for thinking.",
" language does not appear to be a prerequisite for complex thought, including symbolic thought."
"it plausibly co-evolved with our thinking and reasoning capacities, and only reflects, rather than gives rise to, the signature sophistication of human cognition"
@actuallyautistic#actuallyautistic Every now and then I’ll see a video like this on Instagram and just shake my head…like why do “issues” like this have to be made into a gender war? Plenty of women do this same thing, or, at least, by “women” I mean myself 😂. Thought it was logical to leave things out that will be used again…so you don’t have to unnecessarily dirty other dishes. Guess that’s just an alpha male thing /s
Checked an old work notebook to see if there were any important notes to transfer somewhere else. Suddenly there was a doodle of myself with an infinity symbol on the t-shirt. The page was about a seminar on neurodiversity at the university! The seminar was two years ago so before my self-diagnosis.
As this might be of interest to others (no big insights though), here are my notes (translated from Finnish):
"- ADHD: different regulation of alertness, emotions, and attention (different way to be)
Autism: different social interaction, imagination, and communication (different way to see!)
Neuro minorities:
experience of being different
understanding of hierarchy
thinking outside the box
creativity
empathy
sensory regulation
own role
own pace
special interests
social pressure"
The page ends with a personal note that, in hindsight, I absolutely love:
"sometimes wondered whether I myself am on the spectrum, but then again not..."
Can't help thinking the trans trope "there were no signs" 😅
@actuallyautistic#actuallyautistic Does anyone else find that their music taste is extremely unconventional? I can enjoy most types of music with others, but when I'm alone I listen to stuff that most people would never listen to. Like historical folk songs, military marches, courtly dance music, sea shanties, etc.
I enjoy other music too but I feel like the above categories are things I am "ashamed" to play around others. Idk if that makes sense lol.
I had an ADHD event this morning. I used to explain these away or blame them on external causes or other people.
If I’d taken my meds when I woke, I would’ve been fine, but I didn’t. I tried to do too much before leaving for my appointment, jumped on the wrong tram, had to call an Uber, then got confused about the meeting point. Rang my skin guy & was able to rejigger appointment, which gave me time for a decaf & a decompress.
My oldest has always been more philosophical than me on these things, better at accepting that it is what it is and then adjusting. I used to be good at doing that when others stuffed up (but maybe less patient with my oldest) but would get very upset about my own occasional dramas, maybe because underneath my externalisation of responsibility, I knew it was me.
But this morning I just accepted I’d stuffed up, did what I had to do & accepted that I might have to rebook the appointment. Fortunately they were able to juggle. The worst part is causing other people inconvenience. I’m acutely aware of that, maybe because of RSD? (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria)
Uber driver was a lovely Manchurian who has his skin check booked. 😊Currently waiting for anaesthetic to take effect.
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 235 , Wednesday 19/06/2024
TL;DR Geoff hates me, misgendereation ,Mastodon moves are afoot, cats & the art of bird catching !
Geoff was a gut wrenching SoB last night, apparently standing for any length of time is a no,no. However I have his measure now & medicated his ass! (Do toes have asses ? ) so somewhere around midnight after some nice chats with a couple of lovely friends (who I how will still be friends by the end of this post🫣🤞🥰) I managed to get to sleep.
Up at just before 6am.
Started to make breakfast when yon OH opened the kitchen door to the garage & discovered Alice had brought a live present. So rather than shooing her out Mrs S. closed the door & looked expectantly at me, the vanished into the lounge closing all the doors behind her.
Turns out Alice had delivered a fledgling, which promptly vanished down the side of the washing machine! 🙄🤦♂️
As I was clearing a path to rescue the little perisher it did a 180 & vanished behind the washing machine , eschewing the more easily accessible (for me) space under the shelves next to the washer!
I pulled the washing machine out but the little sod (you’ll notice I’m becoming less enamoured with our uninvited guest) vanished behind the 6ft tall freezer next to the washing machine!
Pulling the washer out was hard enuf with 2 manky feet , especially with Geoff being all swollen , the is no chance that the freezer is coming out!
So the state of play is that I have pushed the washer back , leaving a suitable gap between it & the freezer for yon tweety pie to escape if it so desires.
Obviously I still had to make breakfast & then sort out the dishes & empty the dishwasher after all this , as Mrs S. had to get ready for work (a process that takes an hour & involves a ½ hour rest on the bed! ) so I’ve come back to bed because I’m clean out of spoons.
So here’s the thing: My voice has never broken, it got a little deeper but it has to be said my voices matches my persona as a squirrel perfectly! I wonder if it is an autistic comorbidity ?
This has meant thru out my life being misgendered on the phone ! Even when I’ve confirmed my given name, which is very obviously male, callers that don’t know me often still call me Mrs …. It’s VERY frustrating !
I know my nature is to be kind & show emotions easily & to expess love for anything that doesn’t get away fast enuf but that’s because I am kind by nature, I was brought up to be thoughtful of others , I am woke as it is possible to be , & also it is a defence against the horror that is me in full autistic frustration mode , my temper is like a bomb going off on the few occasions I lose it 🙄🤦♂️
I also suffer from Trichotillomania which makes hair & body hair management a trial.
All these things seem to give the impression I’m not a red blooded male. Which I am. I simply lack some of the less agreeable traits of some ‘alpha’ males ! (I still wanna fly fast jets though ! 🤣)
Really anyone bringing their dongle near me with the intention of amorous adventures or trying to stick me in a dress is not going to get far.
The really frustrating thing for me is that my natural instinct to identify as a CIS male means I cop for all the hate that is aimed at that group, despite the fact that when some folks interact with me without seeing my physical form they assume I’m something I’m really not!
I was talking to a good friend last night , no not you CDP 🧚♀️, & we were chatting about the whole hair thing … this isn’t about you ! (There’s a song in there somewhere ) Our discussion merely led me to think on this subject is all.
I wonder if I’ll be accused of being an misogynist off the back of this post 🤔
15:00 News update: the bird has left the building! The fledgling was a sparrow who about an hour ago got up the courage to fly out thru the open garage door - much to my relief!
In other news I have had a cardiology phone consult this afternoon with regards to the dizzy spells I keep getting when stressed. He is putting me on a halter monitor for 48 hours to see what is going on. He is not particularly optimistic that a resolution will be found , but he says my heart is strong so there is nothing to worry about unless the monitor shows something.
I’m quite proud of myself tonight, I actually got some stuff done this afternoon that has been waiting for a while.
Updated the router firmware & reconfigured the VPN, set up a Proton mail a/c.
I also created a new main Mastodon a/c on Beige.Party, more news of that tomorrow when I have moved stuff over from Mastodonapp.UK
Final Thoughts.
One cannot predict what will happen to make or break ones day. For most folk it’s a case of deal with it & move on, for many ND folk it buggers up the whole day !
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
One of the things I find myself struggling with a lot as an autistic person with an autistic partner is how often there are moments where I do not honor my own needs or preferences because they seemingly conflict with my partner's needs and preferences, and how it feels easier to mask my discomfort than to express a different preference and potentially provoke unnecessary dysregulation and conflict.
On the rare occasion I do speak up and we try things my way and it fails miserably because it isn't his way, I get so disappointed and upset that he's unable to be as flexible as I force myself to be for him and his sensory needs, and wish we'd never tried doing it my way in the first place.
This doesn't exactly feel healthy to me, but I'm not really sure how to interpret what I feel either.
I'm #autistic. In my 70s. All my life I've suffered from balance problems. Plus feet, ankle and posture problems.
This not a product endorsement. But I bought some zero-drgree shoes that helped. Thought I'd share...
70 years. That's 7 decades of rocking on my feet, toe-walking & toe curling. For bonus points, I tend to roll on the inside and outside of my feet. Calluses and bunions and corns... Oh my.
Plus a lot of tripping and falling...
I just switched to Xero shoes about 4 weeks ago. It's a zero-degree, barefoot runner's shoe.
These style of shoes began with runners. Zero-degree, barefoot or minimalist shoes have no elevated heel, minimal cushioning, and a flexible sole. Your feet move and function more naturally compared to traditional shoes with raised heels and rigid soles.
I'm pretty sure over the past two weeks my posture has improved, my feet muscles and ankle muscles have strengthened. As well as my balance.
I suspect all the corrective shoes and later over-padded shoes were exactly the wrong approach to take. They were cutting off the important sensory information I needed to walk in a more natural way.
Zero degree shoes give me the feeling of walking barefoot... but without pain. I suspect they give me important sensory feedback helping me correct my gait.
I'm seeing improvement in striding confidently without pain or imbalance. And my calluses and bunions appear to be improving as well.
While zero-degree shoes seem to help me, I can't know they will help other autists. Your mileage may vary. Quite literally.
You might want to read up and talk to a medical pro, Before making significant changes to your footwear, like a podiatrist or orthopedist, if you have significant foot or posture problems.
My experience with zero-degree shoes is just MY story. I'm not aware of research that backs up my experience. While some research suggests that minimalist footwear can improve balance and foot function, I'd like to see studies on the autistic population.
Nonetheless, some folks may want to explore for themselves.
I have no connection to the Zero shoe company, not receiving any compensation, and the link below gives info on other similar zero degree shoes for comparison.
I hope this thread helps someone out there.
Here's a Perplexity Page with more detailed information on barefoot shoes and links to popular brands. @XeroShoes is on X. The other brands mentioned by Perplexity also have X accounts to explore.
This one is on how hans asperger was a fascist who worked with the nazis and so the identity of "aspergers" isn't what many people think it is
alt-text: thumbnail of youtube video showing a brown wooden background with the text "aspergers" is fascist, is reactionary, or is ableist (youtube added a/b testing) with the autistic flag next to it/beneath it
Some U.S. states have registries and laws requiring that mental health professionals and physicians register autistic clients. They can be fined, disciplined, or lose their license if they don't report.
Pride, is both a celebration and an affirmation of our existence. It is the latter for me that is all important. As someone who very late in life realised I was autistic, I had spent a lifetime knowing only that I was different, but not how. It was a hole in me that I couldn't fill, a sense of something missing, a lack that always felt more about how broken I was than anything. As a consequence it became something to hide, to mask and to be ashamed of. It was my dirty, dark secret and the core of my existence. The knowledge that no matter what, I was wrong and always would be.
Realising I was autistic, filled that hole. It taught me to see the difference as, if not always positive, at least natural and normal. I was never broken, I was just trying to function in the world in the way that was right for me. A world, that in so many ways, was hostile to that, unforgiving about difference and those who stood out too far. I had, in fact, been simply trying my best with the tools that I had, the tools that came naturally to me, even if no one else ever saw that.
Having a day to remember this. To remember the past and the pain and the blind struggle. To remember how far I've come and how much I've learnt and have yet to learn (because finally I can). To be able to stand out and say "yes, I am", is important not just for us, but others walking this path. For too long being autistic was a dark and terrible secret. For too long its truth has been hidden behind ignorance and misinformation. That is what days like this are for and why they are so important. To show the world that autism and being autistic, is nothing to hide and nothing to fear. Happy pride day everyone.
@pathfinder@actuallyautistic as usual, the right words. I'm not ready yet for a coming out but realizing who I am has been an important step to more serenity. ( written by the guy who feels his stress going higher and higher as he's about to go to work to do something he loved ans is very good ar, how ironic!)
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 234 , Tuesday 18/06/2024
Geoff was headed off at the pass last night & medicated into submission so I actually got some decent sleep!
Up at 6 to sort breakfast , then elevated Geoff for the rest of the day - read my book & floated around the Fediverse for a while.
There are moves afoot to get my MAJ1 a/c moved to Beige.Party , I like the freedoms of the 11k chrs , it’s very liberating !
I messed up tonight, I made salad for tea - I like to take my time so it usually takes a good 45 minutes .
Geoff does NOT like being stood on for 45 minutes ! He’s really swollen now!
It didn’t help that he got another 20 minutes being stood on after tea because herself cannot be trusted to wash greasy dishes or heavy duty stains like beetroot. There are days when single life is very appealing!
Looks like another round of the dreaded colchicine for me - I may leave it till tomorrow , see if he settles down overnight.
Got a phone appt with the cardiologist tomorrow vis a vis my dizzy spells , I’m not really holding out a lot of hope but hey…
Final Thoughts.
This is supposed to be my ASD diary, it’s turning out to cover a multitude of things !
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Question for autistics: What did you do to celebrate or mark the occasion when you found out you’re autistic?
Context:
Many people find the discovery that they’re autistic is very helpful for them, even liberating, as they can now learn more about themselves and their needs, etc. Feelings toward it are usually quite complex, not simple, but lots of people have said they celebrated when they discovered they’re autistic because overall, it is a positive thing. Some autistic people mark the anniversary and have a mini celebration in their own way each year.
My answer to the question:
Although cakes are popular, I decided to do something longer lasting and more special to me. There is an artist who paints nature scenes with animals and I saw a beautiful limited edition print by her up for sale. I rarely ever buy pictures like this as I simply don’t have the spare cash, but the picture reminds me of myself and my love of nature and animals, and reminds me of the parts of myself I kept hidden for so long. It now hangs on my wall at home for me to see every day. I may not be openly autistic (yet) but I do want to be openly myself in other ways like being open about what brings me joy - and this painting keeps reminding me of that.
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 233 , Monday 17/06/2024
Geoff was a vicious bugger last night he had to be evicted from under the covers & subdued with paracodol !
Had a nice chat with the CDP 🧚♀️ until around 1am when the pain relief fully kicked in & sleep overtook me.
Up at just after 6am to get breakfast for Mrs S.
Had to spend the day elevating Geoff to new heights , which seemed to impress him to a degree. I let the pain killers wear off thru the day so that I can reduce the risk of dependance. That said will be hitting them tonight because Geoff is an unforgiving toe it seems.
So talking to a couple of peeps today & my low selfesteem / Imposter Syndrome kicked in again.
I know logically that multibillion dollar companies don’t just let anyone play with their mainframes & critical systems. I know that few folks expertise covers the full breadth of computing related areas. But still I cannot help but feel a dullard in the face of a lot of my peers.
Possibly it is because I made career critical decisions based on incomplete knowledge (ie I was autistic) that within a decade laid waste to my professional career & broke me to the point of having to retire early on health grounds.
It could also be that I am my own worst critic & still berate myself for not doing better then, & now.
I fear that all I am doing now is treading water, waiting for the inevitable alternative to taxes.
Managed to get a few hours in on NMS for the first time in a few days. Finished the first of 4(5? ) phases & got a couple achievements in a few of the others .
Final Thoughts.
How can I think about moving into social circles where I can stress about whether a whole new group of people might judge me & find me wanting?
How do I not be like this ?
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖