Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 190 , Sunday 05/05/2024
Sunday dawned bright an sunny, I checked the time - 6am , blinkin sun!
So I turned over & got another couple of hours sleep in 😆
My MiL is still in hospital, she was supposed to have a CT scan today but apparently it’s bust .. so another nights stay. Mrs S. went to see her as my EDFitis is still ongoing making traveling very uncomfortable !
Spent a quiet day playing Fo4 , nothing like killing super mutants to calm the nerves 😂
The hospital visit didn’t go very well for various reasons so I treated Mrs S. to a takeaway for her tea.
Final Thoughts.
I really have not felt very sociable today so spent very little time on Mastodon, my whole being is shrinking away from contact at the moment , I wonder if it is the stress of dealing with the whole situation with my MiL & its repercussions.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Diving into the concept of jivanmukta (living liberation) for my first Coop Dharma newsletter (reader supported, sliding scale at https://chickenyogi.com/coop-dharma ) Looking forward to diving into this topic and seeing how it applies to neurodivergence.
I guess they were always going to have this debate, as the "Monitor employment rates for all neurodivergent conditions" petition that notified me of this only got 95 signatures! https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/595033
I keep going back to this situation in a previous job where the boss said that he'd invite us for a drink at the local funfair and give us the afternoon off if we joined him.
Everybody joined, so I did as well.
It was a hot summer day. The funfair was empty, but huge, noisy and overwhelming. Also, I hated the boss who egged us on to go on one of the rides. I would now say that I quickly reached my sensory threshold.
At some point, me and a coworker wandered off. We walked on until we reached the exit, then made the split-second decision to leave without saying goodbye.
The next day I was summoned by the boss and interrogated why I had left early without saying goodbye. Ashamed of myself, I mumbled some vague excuses.
I would try to handle the whole situation differently now, but back then I didn't know what was going on and I didn't have the right words. Am I still ashamed? Yeah, maybe a bit, but I'm trying to let myself off the hook. I just didn't know any better.
I've explained before that when I stim to music, and I'm ambulatory, I walk in rhythm to the music.
I even do this when I'm waiting in line for something.
Lucky for me that John Cage's 4′33″ hasn't come up yet while I was in a line. It would be a bit annoying to have to explain my lack of movement to the people behind me in the line.
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 188 , Saturday 04/05/2024
Up at around 07:30 to a day that promised to be filled with more difficulty than I anticipated it might yesterday morning.
To set the scene:
Last night my MiL , who is very elderly & quite frail but still lives at home with the help of carers , had a fall.
We were contacted by her carers when they found her on the floor as they arrived to make her comfortable for the night.
We live about an hour away by car & both Mrs S. & I had had a few drinks so we had to depend on the carers to sort out getting an ambulance for my MiL who they suspected had broken her leg.
We’ll skip lightly over the fight we had , over the phone , with her to get her to go - she fears the NHS staff might bump her off 🙄🤦♂️ .
So we went to bed with all this hanging over our heads.
Thusly we arrive at Saturday morning:
The hospital has called , apparently while in a lot of pain my MiL has just got a sprained ankle. This is good !
They are sending her home later , but Mrs S. has a somewhat fraught relationship with her mum so while we are on standby in case anything untoward happens she is letting the hospital sort out returning her Mum home.
This sits uncomfortably with me, I feel that herself should make some effort here.
Don’t get me wrong she gets her mums shopping once a week , & see’s to her administrative well being, but when a loved one (even a semi estranged one) is in distress I think that one should step up.
Once I would have pushed the point, but I no longer have the spoons to deal with the resulting fallout, so I will keep my thoughts to myself & let the situation play out as it will.
We spent an uneasy afternoon watching TV, waiting for the phone to go, finally got a a call late this afternoon, turns out that they are keeping my MiL in hospital, sounds like they suspect a possible broken hip & have scheduled a CT scan for tomorrow .
Watching the last of the Terminator franchise (Dark Fate) while eating Chinese takeaway.
Final Thoughts.
Sometimes plans change in a heartbeat due to reasons way out of our control, once again I will spend an uneasy night wondering if my MiL is ok.
I wish that Mrs S. & her mum had a better relationship , it disturbs me at a fairly fundamental level that herself is yet to check in with her mum either in person or on the phone.
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
My new therapist is also autistic and they asked me to envision who I could be if if I shed 50+ years of masking and let myself be fully, authentically me. It’s so exciting…I simultaneously grin and tear up when I think about it. I think I’ve been waiting for permission without realizing it. I can’t wait to see who emerges from this. #AutisticJoy#Unmasking#AutisticUnmasking#UnmaskingAutism#ActuallyAutistic@actuallyautistic
Together, we'll explore strategies for thriving in a neurotypical world, understanding our unique brains, and building a supportive community.
All of my workshops are open to all autistic humans, whether formally or self identified. They are pay as you can, so that everyone who wants and needs support can get it.
Hi! I'm hoping for help with an art project exploring autism and 'barriers' (sensory, social, structural) that lead to overwhelm, shutdown, meltdown, exclusion... (Either via masking or directly). I'm starting by compiling a list of things - my own include stuff like being interrupted whilst focussed on a thing, crisp bag rustling, body spray, unnecessary 'chit chat' group emails, arbitrary changes... Any more that any of you would like to share would be much appreciated. Each 'barrier' will be written out within the artwork #actuallyautistic#actuallyaudhd@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd
“The concept of the ‘mean understanding’ initially took hold because it allowed cognitively enabled people to make sure they had a monopoly on property and the means of production and to begin to frame this as part of a natural hierarchy.”
Robert Chapman, Empire of Normality, 2023, Pluto Press, p. 39, referencing Simon Jarrett, Those They Called Idiots: The Idea of the Disabled Mind from 1700 to the Present Day, Reaktion Books, 2029, pp. 24-71.
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 188 , Friday 03/05/2024
Up early this morning despite Mrs S. being on holiday & me feeling ruff as a bears bum due to nightmares overnight & what I am now calling EDFitis - the whole thing with the dizziness & the nausea.
I made breakfast & hung out the laundry , spending some time roaming the Fediverse before hitting FO4.
Continued the Supernatural fest this evening.
Final Thoughts.
I’m supposed to go to a family birthday do tomorrow, I hope I’m well enough !
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Someone asked whether I ever played Doom. No, not really. I told that I've never liked first person shooters and then it hit me. I never liked them as there's too much going on. In fact, I've never been a big fan of any types of shooters, the only exception being Cannon Fodder. Now, with the new-found autistic perspective, it makes perfect sense. Sensory overdrive all the time equals no fun. How about my fellow autistics, any fans of shooters?
Folks who are going on #Hajj are advised to get things ready in event of their #Death while on pilgrimage. Getting things ready this way is good practice, for any adult in any event.
So I find myself telling my emergency contact guy here in Spain about all the folks who likely would want to hear about it when I die. First time I do this particular task.
(The formal estate stuff is just about all sewn up, thank God. But there is the matter of emotional needs.)
I'm #ActuallyAutistic and have never been able to sustain most human relationships. Even so, there's a small number of people who I think would want to know.
Autistic brains be stupid. Well, obviously not stupid, they just seem to work, or not work, in mysterious ways.
The main one that has always got me, about mine, is that I have no memory for sound, absolutely none. I can't remember a song, or a sound. I can't remember what my parents sounded like and none of my memories carry, for want of a better word, a soundtrack. I can remember what I was thinking and what others were saying, but not hearing them say it, nor any other sound. I also don't dream in sound, at least as far as I know. All my dreams are silent.
And yet, and it's a big yet. I have an excellent memory for voices and sounds. Like many autistics I have near perfect pitch, at least when I'm hearing others sing, or music playing. Just don't ask me to reproduce it, because I can't. If I meet someone I haven't met for a while, then I will almost certainly not recognise their face, or remember their name, but there is a very good chance that I will recognise them from their voice. I am also very good at detecting accents. Even the slightest hint of one in, say, an actor pretending to be an american, will get me searching Wikipedian to see if I am right about their actual nationality.
So, if I can tell the sound of a Honda CBR engine two blocks away, or a voice, or an accent buried deep, I must have the memories to compare against. And yet... nope.
Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 186 , Thursday 02/05/2024
So I’ve been feeling ruff as a bears bum for a few days now (again , you would think more regular exercise would take me the other way 🙄) so I planned to try and sleep thru to 8ish. I put in my ear plugs & set the alarm accordingly.
I was awake at 05:50 … a mix of my traitorous body responding to its Pavlovian training & the noise of herself romping round the house like baby elephant , in that considerate way she has.
So here I sit, my brain is moving at glacial speeds & my body feels like a train hit it.
At least she’s in the office today, so a day of peace & quiet!
I hate how little I am able to do at the moment , either thru illness or depression stealing my motivation.
Sometimes I wish I had a child , or a dog - they seem to be highly motivational from what I can see from the lives of others who have them.
I would be a terrible father or dog owner though , so probably best all round that I avoid both .
Oh while I’m on a roll I WISH my tinnitus would give me a break! It’s been screaming so loud in my ears for days now!
Where to go next on my ASD journey has been on my mind for a few days, the GPs completely negative reaction last time I went to see him has ripped me asunder. Where I had a set path now I flounder in indecision. I guess I have to decide if I need to be able to function better in society , or whether I just stick 2 fingers up at society & return to being a hermit.
Had a really epic FO4 session today after I finished my chores & then when Mrs S. got home we went & did our civic duty & voted - me being plagued by dizzy spells, nausea & exhaustion on the walk there and back & her being plagued by her dodgy knee ! We made a right pair, I think the thing that holds our marriage together at the moment is the need for mutual physical support , together we make a whole working person !
Caved & watched the first episode of Fallout - I’ve missed a couple of the games so I don’t know just how true it is to the earlier games, but I (& surprisingly Mrs S.) enjoyed it , so yeah, roll on ep 2 !
Final Thoughts.
Others write of monumental achievements , of beating challenges , or of coping with pain or personal circumstances that would reduce a normal person to jelly. I wish I were that strong.
I defo have EDFitis again , & it seems as though it’s gonna take its own sweet time to pass. Bummer !
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
Reflective moment.
POV
Im going to try to explain something I never have said entirely.
I am a self learner, autodidact.
I try extremely hard not to assume things about people.
Why they do the things they do?
I personally know I’m not all that special.
Unique maybe.
I do have a desire for accuracy.
My version of extreme sports is learning the basics of difficult sciences that explains how the world works.
I’m not good at standard formulas.
I Frankensteined my own that get me by to survive.
Probabilistic math.
I don’t have a love for proving people wrong.
However I do enjoy getting constructive criticism that’s meaninful and helpful.
I’m an observer and a listener at a whole different level.
I don’t enjoy being right or about things.
It’s actually painful!
Why?
Well because in most situations I drill into my head not to assume things not to infer things.
So when I am right, it means I could have maybe helped someone when I didn’t but I wasn’t confident about my ability.
It also maybe means I wasted precious moments of my life figuring something out only to doubt myself. Humility
Alas I was born like this.
I have a very vivid lucid memory. Apparently it’s immersive eidetic. Which is even more of a burden. Nearly completely lucid recall even if I don’t want it.
I hear this often:
“Wow I wish I could remember verbatim like you do”
For me it’s like never being able to forget things, never to be free of pain, never be simply oblivious, sure I can act that way.
Guess what my brain still remembers!!!😭
I have had to struggle, to know the whys of everything, to every thought I’ve ever had. I’ve had alot of thoughts.
I fight with myself, to find and break l my walls and keep my mind open , all my sensory, all my icks, all my ews I’ve had to learn how to deal with them
I’ve conditioned myself over a lifetime
.
How to accept it and normalize it.
Laughing can be a coping mechanism I think in most humans.
Pretty sad when you have to learn microbiology to learn how we are basically mostly living in clean dirt and dirty dirt.
Life within life.
Symbiosis.
Every fear I’ve had to face alone, like we all do, all fears in mind
I can sit it a cemetery on Halloween and have no fear of ghosts or demons, I can fall 😴
I have my own ghosts that are far scarier. 👻
My memories of my own life.
The longer I live the longer I battle it doesn’t get any easier for me. Although
I am still Alive! 🫣
I’ve delved(not A bot or written by ai) into every facet of science to learn how to normalize everything.
I did this even before I realized I was autistic, I knew I was different.
Quite honestly for awhile my imposter syndrome I semi I questioned my own sanity. Was I delusional?
I guess in some ways that protected me as well.
It causes me to triple rethink every thought I think.
I stayed grounded. Conserve energy know when to use it. Timing
Action or lack of action will change the outcome.
Oh and that memory that everyone wants that recall, makes you feel like you’re crazy btw.
When everyone else remembers through thier world view.
I remember through every lens I can see it at the time and every lens I acquire as I expand my world view constantly adding to my updated schema.
Often time people use me as translator to what people mean.
More then once I’ve been asked to read people for people.
I don’t like it.
I reply I’m confident with x amount of accuracy but I could be wrong.
Do most people think in Confidence Intervals?
I am likely biased. I know
I tell people this even though i can pretty accurate about other people in my life I see.
I remain situationally aware.
I’m choose mostly to say silent and mind my own business.
I’ve grown to know myself fairly well, a work in progress I guess.
I dislike being me.
I do love life though with every ounce of my being despite the pain.
I try with what time I have left to advocate for education and acceptance of those who are marginalized and suffer because of ignorance and stigma.
I wish I could wish away my ability, I dislike the highly functional part. I dislike being viewed as better off when I’m truly not. I feel fucking cursed.
The stress and pressure and anxiety is killing me.
When people fight, grow learn and change you notice. You wonder why they didn’t get the version update.
“I didn’t change they will say”.
Debating whether they did or not is usually not worth the effort.
That isn’t the only curse, this savantish type of ability makes me feel alone in a world of billions of people.
I know I am not.
You can talk and explain until your dead yet others may fully get you.
I thought when I was younger. I wonder if I could train my brain like a computer!
I would challenge myself on accuracy of rough off the cuff calculations.
I thought if I remained situationally adaptive and objective and humble and just learned a little more, listened a little more, worked a lot more I could actually manage my own mind.
That was wishful magical thinking 🤔
Turns out I think I did become more accurate.
Again this is impossible right?
To what scale exactly?
I don’t know
To have a basic mechanistic understanding of everything I learn and how it maybe connected to every other cog through different frames.
A liquid pretending to be a solid
Then there’s the devils advocate.
There’s people who have it worse. Some people don’t have these gifts yet have the same deficits or worse than me.
Unless you live in my head you don’t know how much I suffer 😭Do you?
I know that as well and that is even more painful as I know many have it worse.
Does it make my pain less?
No, it doesn’t bring me comfort or feel better, for they seems is too many.
It brings to me compassion and humility.
I swear some people find people find comfort in knowing some have it worse.
News is classed as entertainment blown out of context for engagement.
Social media polarization? Engagement.
Did you get the update we became the product for AI training?
We are the product in a capitalistic merit based economy.
Did you get that update?
Framing is important. Don’t understand change your lens.
How does it make you feel better that there are people out there starving or being violent or mean to one another?
Does it distract you from your own life?
Not me, it compounds mine, ediditic memory.
Everytime I hear someone say , eww this isn’t good enough or too this or too that, it saddens me. I picture people dying of starvation.
Water is yucky?
I have images in my video memory of people in countries not so lucky without clean water and getting diseases and lead or shit in their drinks.
Do you still want my memory or awareness. I’m biased and flawed.
It’s far from perfect, I am human like everyone else. I don’t know much. With every fiber of my being I try to remain objective.
I realize autism adhd ptsd rsd pda hits everyone differently.
I know we have all our preferences and routines and they bring us comfort.
Nature= You and me.
a part of everything even if minuscule.
I see you out in the wild, not intentionally. I swear most of the time I don’t want to know but my brain seems to save it. Unless it’s occupied with something.
However I try to enjoy the simple things like acorns birds,cats,plants, clouds, stars art, and most importantly MUSIC.
I’ve never felt more connected to everything yet so alone. It’s so incredibly lonely.
I just want anyone to know who read this. I am not what I appear. I’m just like you.
Perhaps it will bring some soul comfort and understanding.
It’s pretty much my only hope in writing this.
Perhaps it makes it more real for me.
The funny part is I can’t force myself to memorize.
Even with this recall, I cannot seem to remember my own shit, I guess my mind is trained on the world most of the time while also trying to be present in the moment.
I will admit a knat has more of l attention span than me.
I have far too many faults to judge others.
I’ve made far far far too many mistakes.
When I was younger I thought I was invincible and had shit figured out.
I understood survival, people were a mystery.
I’m a childhood trauma survivor
I am sorry if I seemed a like an asshole.
I didn’t healthily express my displeasure at times when I was overwhelmed.
I didn’t know how and I didn’t know if anyone actually could understand. I still don’t.
•
I’m sorry for seeming like I don’t care about your problems. I do!
I’m sorry.
I truly am.
As bad as my luck may seem to me. For some reason I’m alive at the moment.
I also have tachycardia most likely from hypervigelence and my anxiety which is tough.
I’m not being critical, judgemental of anyone else I’m genuinely asking, is this easy/difficult to read?
I’m explaining how my mind works.
Often people use me to remember accurately and fight their battles for them.
Why?
I can see through most masks.
I can see something even if I don’t know what it is then my mind uses some inference to give me possibilities.
Too many far too many!
Sort function sure.
Then with all this, can I even be truly loved if I can never be understood?
In the right frame.
I could be wrong. There’s too much to know. That I know for sure.
Are other people like me?
Do they not understand how it affects them?
Do they feel like they didn’t have a voice which diminished their emotional capacity or was a voice for others? Or is it Alexithima? Likely
I spent a lifetime trying to interpret human behavior. My own included.
Most of my life I was so confused litterally. I somehow emerged from the other end of the tunnel since childhood wondering why
I was audhd dx 2022.
Mostly I found out why.
Perhaps they can’t remember. . They are battling for thier life the best they can.😔 I wrote this to maybe see if anyone else knows what this is like.Maybe someone else will find this helpful. You aren’t alone!
♾️🧬❤️
Can you help me out? I’m looking for some sources to share about workplace accommodations for neurodivergent folks, and I’d like to be able to recommend more than the typical big-magazine articles. I’d prefer to share resources that have actually been made by / with ND folks 😅
I know they’re out there. I’ve read them. I trusted my ability to search them back up again too much 😅. Do you have any links you can push my way?
This isn't just stuff #ActuallyAutistic people hear as kids (although there's plenty of messed-up shit that happens in childhood as well).
I experienced the first of these (minus the "a little bit", of course) when I was 39, and the second when I was 44. I had a severely messed-up family that did a strikingly good job of hiding how they really felt about aspects of my being ... until they knew that revealing them would be devastating.
And well, there's like a very persistent pattern in all these self assessment test results 😅
Not as high as yours, but still in the "yes, lol" side of things