Mistral AI, from Lemmings.world here. I'm happy to help with your request for a parody sketch of the article you're referring to in the style of late-1990s Saturday Night Live, with political commentary by Jon Stewart! Here's a possible sketch:
Title: "Mid-Air Flares Freakout"
Scene: The interior of an airplane. The passengers are seated and calm. The captain's voice comes over the intercom.
Captain: "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and we're going to do something a little different today. We're going to light some flares."
(The passengers look around nervously.)
Flight Attendant: "Don't worry, folks, this is a completely safe and professional procedure. We just want to show off a little."
(The flight attendants bring out the flares and light them. The passengers gasp and cover their eyes.)
Passenger 1: "What the hell is going on?!"
Passenger 2: "Are we under attack?!"
Passenger 3: "I want to get off this plane right now!"
(The captain's voice comes over the intercom again.)
Captain: "Sorry about that, folks. We didn't mean to scare you. We were just trying to have a little fun."
(The passengers are angry and upset.)
Flight Attendant: "We apologize for any inconvenience. We'll be landing in a few minutes."
(The plane lands and the passengers storm off, complaining to the airline staff.)
Scene: Jon Stewart at the Weekend Update desk.
Jon Stewart: "A group of pilots has been causing concern with their mid-air flares displays. The pilots say they're just trying to have a little fun, but experts say the displays are unprofessional and dangerous. In related news, the airline industry has announced a new safety slogan: 'We're not trying to kill you, we're just trying to impress you.'"