I'm not afraid of judgment (unless the listener can physically hurt me which fortunately never happened before) but more like annoyed because nobody ever understands. Well the only people I realistically can talk to about my problems are my parents (I won't talk about it to my distant relatives that I talk to once in a few years lol) but they are much older than me (much more than parents usually are) so they don't understand me at all. It's not the problem. For me talking about my problems irl is like walking naked in front of hundreds of people (hopefully this example won't get me banned). Idk why. Maybe it's because I've never had close friends irl (and in fact I don't have any friends irl now) or maybe it's because of my mental diseases. I really don't know. It's easier to just cry it out and stay in pain (that I'm so used to I almost enjoy it) when I'm alone and behave normally when someone is here, exhausting myself by not being able to comfortably be alone with my pain. Though it's not as bad as it seems. I'm used to all of this. I'm used to being alone since like 12 years old when I became homeschooled due to neural diseases. I can even feel kinda happy when I don't think about my problems and I have something to distract me (like distrohopping or playing video games for hours). And I have people online that can listen to me. Idk what would happen to me if I didn't have them. The worst situation is when they can't be here for some reason like me annoying the neural cells out of them or them just being very busy (dw they are not toxic). That is one of the situations when I want to turn my house upside down btw. Even though I'm as introverted as it gets, I can't be lonely and I'm truly paranoid of losing who I have (that also exhausts me and makes me unable to be myself but that's a whole new problem). And also I know I can't even get someone else without incredible luck and a fantasy-level amount of coincidences cuz for me flying an MD-11 is easier than holding a conversation. But even all of this is not even half of the reasons of my pain. In fact idk if it's humanly possible to explain all of them