I strongly believe that a friend of mine has undiagnosed ADHD. The degree to which everyone around him keeps saying, “he’s not atypical, he just to stop being a fuck up and commit to something” is frustrating. My man needs treatment, not tough love.
Man, I feel that. Something that I've been thinking about for a while now is how disabled people (whether it's a condition that affects their brain, or body, or both) end up sort of "stress-testing" society.
In this case, your comment makes me sad because I've seen similar instances to what you describe, but also, I am reminded of countless more people who seem unlikely to have ADHD, but also don't do well with tough love. The harmful impact of tough love is more pronounced in people with ADHD though, and that's what I mean about "stress-testing".
This opinion is also heavily informed by the fact that I'm also autistic and diagnosed in my teens. I spent too many years trying to fit myself in a box that would never fit me, and I see so many people who *technically" fit in the box, but seem profoundly uncomfortable. From this angle, autism feels like my ticket to liberation because I think if I could fit inside the box (of societal expectations etc.), then I'd have accepted making myself uncomfortable in a model that wasn't built for my wellbeing.
it's the old adage that designing for disability benefits everyone, and good lord it just never stops being true.
like, no one functions perfectly at all times, EVERYONE has points in their life where they just can't perform to expected standard and if things are built with disabilities in mind then they can simply make use of that when needed.
Sure you might have two functional legs right now, but who knows when you'll lose one or both? and at some point you'll become old and gangly and the idea of walking 3 stories with groceries will make you weep. So maybe let's design things with disability in mind so it's simply never a thing anyone has to worry about.
"he's a smart kid, he just needs to apply himself" and "but you know what to do here, I've seen you do it so why are you having problems with it now?"
Both are things I've heard constantly through my life. Made me feel horrible about myself every single time because I didn't understand why at the time either.
Most of my teachers just assumed I was pissing about behind their backs and would ask me "you must know why you haven't been able to complete the work/homework/task" even if I had been listening and really trying.
Took the whole of primary school and the first year of secondary school before I actually got a teacher who understood and helped me to actually get somewhere.
Still not officially diagnosed just because of how shockingly bad adult ADHD diagnosis is in the UK and not being able to go private but most all the techniques I've used have worked and I think almost any GP that would look at me would probably agree.
Just to say, anyone who might be reading this and can imagine themselves saying/have said these in the past, please don't. You have no idea how unhelpful/damaging talking like this can actually be to someone who really needs the extra support.
"You're just using it as an excuse" is now a red flag for me that I'm talking to a garbage person and saves a lot of emotional energy kicking them out of your life.
My response is even harsher, I go with lead has a 60% chance of causing adhd and lead was banned from being put in cars at the gas station in 1996. Then watch as most people my age realize they may have been exposed. The rest of the 40% chance is autism and more severely cerebellar hypodysplasia.
Hey! I do that too! Instead of saying I have trouble committing names/dates/verbal info, I just tell folks I have a short term memory disorder. Which is true! I need to mess up someone's name or an important piece of info like 5 times until I cement it in, with guilt and embarrassment.
I used to chroncially be like this, it was awful. Somehow, somewhere, without outside help I flipped, and now Im organized, efficient and proactive. Marking this spot so I can think about it and come back when I think I know what changed.
Mental health disorders are serious issues. You owe it to yourself to explore and utilize all treatment options available. Refusing to take medications out of some weird sense of pride isn't funny, it's self destructive.
A (nice) coworker once asked me if I had a system for managing tasks.
I thought they were asking to learn, so I enthusiastically told them about the ~30 different systems I use; the inbox of all incoming tasks, a flowchart for task allocation, urgency VS importance whiteboards, etc, etc. I mentioned each of the books and methodologies those systems came from. (I highly recommend this 5min vid and listening to Order from Chaos (written by and for people with ADHD))
"Oh... cool" was their response, and in that moment I realized they were actually asking because they thought I didn't have any system at all...
Consider the humble “em dash” — some people use it to interject a completely different sentence in the middle of another — the next time you’re trying to avoid parentheses.
The trick for me to reduce impulse buys is to see if I want to buy the thing 3 days in a row. If I kept thinking about buying the thing on the third day, I'll buy it.
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