@Ilovechai@autisticadvocacy@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd omg yes. Another thing I attributed entirely to trauma, when the reality probably is it's a combination. When I finally found the strength to say I could not take another day of the trauma of a controlling relationship, it was at least a year before I was able to say the pronouns "I, me, my, mine." EVERYTHING had been "we." Six years on I've finally found myself again, but I'm not entirely free of him, either.
@Ilovechai@autisticadvocacy@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd Wow this is 100% me. I’ve tried to describe these concepts to a loved one in the past but failed. I even like the idea of how the imprints last longer than the other people are present in our lives. I’ve spent so long confused about who I am and what I even LIKE. I’ve wondered why I do some activities, and wanted to change but found it terrifying because I didn’t know what else - or WHO else - would be left if I didn’t. Who am I without others to tell me who I am, what I like, what I should do… even when they don’t tell me, I still feel I must be guided by other people’s likes and dislikes.
AND, on top of that, I’m so damn naive. I can’t tell when doing this is making me fall into a trap set by an opportunist.
Only just beginning to find my way out of this. I think discovering I’m autistic was an absolutely essential part of that. Such a staggeringly-long way to go, though. Am going to need bucket loads of forgiveness for myself for the “decisions” (if you can call them that as they’re subconscious not conscious) that I’ve made in the past.
100% this. After escaping and finding myself it was so easy to backslide and so hard to forge forward. I still have a very hard time doing anything all by myself, even though I know I'll enjoy it when I'm there. I have gotten better at finding friends who like to do each of the things I like so I don't revert to only doing what my SO likes. It's definitely, a couple decades later, still a conscious decision every time.
@Ilovechai@autisticadvocacy@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd This seems like it might have something to do with something I was posting about a few days ago, how I feel like I'm expected to assert my desires and I start doubting if I even really have any and if I'm really an authentic person.
@littlescraps@foolishowl@Ilovechai@autisticadvocacy@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd
That are the questions I am asking myself these days. Who am I under all those masks I had to put on? What likes did I suppress because I tried to fit in? Which things did I not allow myself to do anymore because they weren’t seen as appropriate? What is my authentic self?
And I just really don’t know.
The best thing I ever did for myself was get dogs and a parrot, and let myself interact with them, however they and I wanted.
Making weird noises? Parrots love that. Crawling around on the floor playing? Dogs love that. Want unfiltered, unfettered feedback? Dogs and parrots both give that. At home, with my companions, I'm 100% me, whatever that is at the time.
@ScottSoCal
I have a dog. :) And kids. (Probably would not if I had known all the things much earlier but well, here we are)
So I can be weird with them too (until they become teenagers, then I will be cringey for them anyway, probably).
And I found a very safe space, a conscious dance event, where everything and everyone is welcome, just as they are, any movement, lying on the floor, making noises, whatever comes to mind or from the body. I go there every week and can explore and try out. Dancing barefoot (or with socks), as much contact one wants with others, or not. When I remember how I began there last year I made quite some progress. :)
@ScottSoCal@Lotta@littlescraps@foolishowl@Ilovechai@autisticadvocacy@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd Gosh, that’s heartwarming. So glad the pets have helped you be yourself. Our cats and dog are the same us. Especially my youngest, who is selective mute and withdrawn. She tells one of the cats everything and is never judged. She can be as silly as she likes with the dog and gets nothing but love back
@ScottSoCal@Lotta@foolishowl@Ilovechai@autisticadvocacy@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd Yes I agree. I love my 4 dogs & 2 cats… just the right amount of totally interested in you & a healthy dose of seriously? You have to pet me the way I like & I will let you kiss my head & talk to the butt, unless you have squishy food… up to you all to determine which species is which. But safe space!
@littlescraps@foolishowl@Ilovechai@autisticadvocacy@actuallyautistic@actuallyaudhd I think this is one of the reasons why watching the movie Runaway Bride was a watershed moment for me. A situation where a person is encouraged to know themself, to discover what they like rather than chameleon blending with whoever they’re with in the moment.