I don't get it. Why is it so important that we don't stim? Like, there are some that are contextually inappropriate (loud noises when it might disturb others, for instance), but outside of those few things ... what's the problem with hand flapping, body wiggling, hair twirling, vocalizing in repetitive ways when it's not distracting/disturbing, etc, etc, etc?
@melindrea@actuallyautistic I’ve wondered this too. At least among my family, my parents tried to get me to stop doing certain “stims” in public when I was little because they felt it embarrassed both me and them, and made them look like bad parents and made me look like a mentally ill weirdo.
Other than that idk the reasons some people say NOT to do it.
@melindrea@actuallyautistic Additionally, I think there’s a certain level of “this person lacks self-control” that goes through an NT person’s head if they see someone stim. Even NTs who tap their foot or something will get reprimanded or made fun of by other NTs for doing it because it shows “lack of restraint,” or in my case, “anxiety,” because bouncing your leg totally means you’re…worried? Idk.
@melindrea@actuallyautistic A lot of coping mechanisms in mental health make NT people uncomfortable. And people really really really don’t like being uncomfortable. (Which I find rather childish tbh)
@farah@melindrea@actuallyautistic probably because we have a very strong sense of social justice that makes us incompatible with peaceful "society", thus ND traits are seen as dangerous/uncomfortable.
NT folks will really just hide their head in the sand rather than confront abuse and injustice, if they can hide it instead.
My grandparents and great grandparents scarcely touched their children. Posture and proper sitting and so on-- even just a lingering whiff of that culture is chilling and far more widespread than a lot of people may realize.
my parents often claimed, in my childhood, that they didn't know how to parent cause "there's no manual included", but i've often wondered "you had a childhood too, so what the fuck? did you learn nothing??"
i'm aware that "manuals" exist, but that's not what they meant. it's more like they were saying they have no idea what they're doing, as if there were no examples to follow. it was also the 80s, when there wasn't a lot of talk of respecting children as people instead of as objects and property, so there wasn't a lot of help in that regard either. just those reactionary, homophobic "manuals".
It's possible they were trying to avoid the mistakes their parents made, so they were in uncharted territory.
I know when I was looking at becoming a parent, one of the most important things to me was not to re-create the abuse my parents created.
Their autistic child stimming is a noticeable reminder to them that the child they have is not the child they wanted and, because they are self-absorbed and wallowing in self pity, they believe that the whole world will judge their child for stimming as harshly as they do.
Yet the reality is that most people, including NTs, don't mind most forms of autistic stimming at all.
@melindrea@actuallyautistic Stimming in my opinion (Im aut) is only bad when it is self harmful or harmful to others. Which…a lot of people do have selfharm stims. That is something to work on…both from better access to less overwhelming environments & replacing with stims that dont cause harm. I once babysat an autistic kid who’s main go-to stim was to bite others. Like. Draw blood bites. Uhm. No. This is NOT okay. I find a lot of autistics dont like to talk about that level of stimming, or sometimes even acknowledge it exists. But it does. Even my own totally done with everything stim is banging my head on whatever hard object is around - wall, desk, countertop. I work hard to not do that. To be aware of feelings and sensations to not get to that point (leave situation, use alt stims before it builds to that point, etc etc) but it happens sometimes. Rarely, but it does. It’s harmful & I can acknowledge that. Being aut doesnt give me a pass to hurt anyone, including myself.
People who aren't ND find it distracting or annoying. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me kid-me to stop fidgeting / squirming / clicking / tapping / popping my lips / rubbing my pants leg / whatever , I could buy an island and retire to it.
I think small talk is an NT stim. It makes them feel better. Alleviates their unease. Social contact like that boosts their brain opioids - they’re basically what makes us feel loved / loving.
Weather talk (or what the Buddha called „well gossip“) is meaningless to us; maybe because our brain opioid levels don’t go down when we’re alone.