I keep going back to this situation in a previous job where the boss said that he'd invite us for a drink at the local funfair and give us the afternoon off if we joined him.
Everybody joined, so I did as well.
It was a hot summer day. The funfair was empty, but huge, noisy and overwhelming. Also, I hated the boss who egged us on to go on one of the rides. I would now say that I quickly reached my sensory threshold.
At some point, me and a coworker wandered off. We walked on until we reached the exit, then made the split-second decision to leave without saying goodbye.
The next day I was summoned by the boss and interrogated why I had left early without saying goodbye. Ashamed of myself, I mumbled some vague excuses.
I would try to handle the whole situation differently now, but back then I didn't know what was going on and I didn't have the right words. Am I still ashamed? Yeah, maybe a bit, but I'm trying to let myself off the hook. I just didn't know any better.
@SaySimonSay@actuallyautistic
I fear that so many of us have a lot of moments like this to look back on. Moments when we acted during overwhelm, or meltdown, or simply because we didn't know any better, or with any real understanding of what was going on. The simple, and in some respects the hardest, answer is forgiveness. We were, who we were and given the reality of so many of those moments, we actually didn't do so badly. We didn't have the understanding, or awareness that we do now. So yes, we all owe ourselves a hell of a lot of forgiveness.
@janisf@SaySimonSay@actuallyautistic
I did. I was in the throws of one and snubbed someone. Because I didn't realise what was going on, I always felt guilty.
In that situation, I certainly held it against me. I blamed myself for not handling the situation better.
I told myself that there were three moments where I could have acted differently: I could have refused to join. I could have briefly said 'Sorry, I'm feeling poorly, I have to leave' before wandering off. And I could have been clearer when called out by saying 'I was overwhelmed, so I did what I had to do' rather than offering some vague kind of apology.
But most importantly, I was completely unaware of my disposition then. I didn't know what a meltdown/shutdown was. I was just ashamed of being so different that I was unable to handle that situation in some acceptable way.
I'm more self-aware now. I still regret that I wasn't back then, but I'm not holding it against myself too much any more. I handled it as well as I could back then. That's also fine. I don't have to handle everything admirably and keep everyone happy.
Growing self awareness combined with self compassion seems to be the key.
Where before those memories of moments I could have handled differently would make me judge and berate myself, now I try to see them as useful information for how to recognise what's going on next time I'm in a similar situation.
I think that before I understood the cause of my distress, I coped with it by ignoring and suppressing it. Now that I understand more, it's easier to recognise what's going on and take appropriate action.
Not always possible, and I still fall back into earlier habits quite often.
@Zumbador just because it's hard for me too and yes, it's a personal journey but it's oh soo long and seems to become longer with every new insight ... - how long are you dxed and/or know that you're autistic? @SaySimonSay@janisf@pathfinder@actuallyautistic