One of the things I find myself struggling with a lot as an autistic person with an autistic partner is how often there are moments where I do not honor my own needs or preferences because they seemingly conflict with my partner's needs and preferences, and how it feels easier to mask my discomfort than to express a different preference and potentially provoke unnecessary dysregulation and conflict.
On the rare occasion I do speak up and we try things my way and it fails miserably because it isn't his way, I get so disappointed and upset that he's unable to be as flexible as I force myself to be for him and his sensory needs, and wish we'd never tried doing it my way in the first place.
This doesn't exactly feel healthy to me, but I'm not really sure how to interpret what I feel either.
Though, one thing I've noticed when we're both simultaneously in meltdown mode is that when I start to hit the point where my meltdown goes from internal to external, he starts to compare it aloud to every time a neurotypical has gotten overwhelmed and lost their temper at him which to my ears, when melting down myself, feels dismissive of my autism because the reasons I'm melting down are nothing like what he's describing.
@spika That sounds very unhealthy for you. It would increase your distress, and prolong your meltdown. Sadly, nothing says that autists can't be selfish, or hurtful. I tend to lash out, but I don't think I have negated my partner's level of autism. @Zumbador@actuallyautistic
This is what I've learned from a similar situation:
As you know, it's bad for a relationship if there's a significant imbalance in how much each of you compromises in favour of the other person.
It's normal for there to be some imbalance, but not if it's always the same person who has to ignore their own needs over a long time period.
If you're always putting yourself last, you'll start resenting him, and that's corrosive to the relationship. And of course, it's not fair to you!
Communication is vital. He has to know what you need, so that he can look after you.
You have to claim your needs to yourself as well. "Because I want to" or "because I don't like that" are complete sentences. No need to justify. You are allowed to avoid doing something because it's upsetting, and for no other reason.
Part of the communication is checking that both of you know what one another's needs are, and also that both of you are aware what the other person is already doing.
For example, he might tell you that he's already accommodating you because he doesn't do x, or sometimes does y.
You might still say that's not enough, or doesn't actually help you, and that he needs to do more, but then you at least know that from his point of view, he's doing something for you. And you can acknowledge that, and say "but what I actually need is z"
Otherwise both of you get frustrated with one another, "I do so much and they don't even acknowledge it!"
@spika@Zumbador@actuallyautistic I don't think it "feels" dismissive of your autism, I think it is dismissive of your autism, and I think it's okay to admit that to yourself.
It sounds like your partner isn't accounting for masking strategies, and is therefore dismissive of any needs that he can't see. I think you might need to have a conversation when neither of you are in meltdown about the types of experience you're internalising and how that affects you.
@Jobob@Zumbador@actuallyautistic Yeah, I think you're right that he's not accounting for masking strategies. We've also only been aware that I may be autistic for little over a year at this point, and when we're both calm, we've had some pretty good affirming conversations about it.
@spika@actuallyautistic
I am literally the last person who should answer this. But, as an outsider, it has always struck me that relationships always take two to tango. If you are in a pattern of always being the one to give, then that is difficult to get out of, especially if attempts to do so haven't always worked well. One side always giving isn't always the healthiest, or the most sustainable.