Diary of an ASD Squirrel. Day 233 , Monday 17/06/2024
Geoff was a vicious bugger last night he had to be evicted from under the covers & subdued with paracodol !
Had a nice chat with the CDP 🧚♀️ until around 1am when the pain relief fully kicked in & sleep overtook me.
Up at just after 6am to get breakfast for Mrs S.
Had to spend the day elevating Geoff to new heights , which seemed to impress him to a degree. I let the pain killers wear off thru the day so that I can reduce the risk of dependance. That said will be hitting them tonight because Geoff is an unforgiving toe it seems.
So talking to a couple of peeps today & my low selfesteem / Imposter Syndrome kicked in again.
I know logically that multibillion dollar companies don’t just let anyone play with their mainframes & critical systems. I know that few folks expertise covers the full breadth of computing related areas. But still I cannot help but feel a dullard in the face of a lot of my peers.
Possibly it is because I made career critical decisions based on incomplete knowledge (ie I was autistic) that within a decade laid waste to my professional career & broke me to the point of having to retire early on health grounds.
It could also be that I am my own worst critic & still berate myself for not doing better then, & now.
I fear that all I am doing now is treading water, waiting for the inevitable alternative to taxes.
Managed to get a few hours in on NMS for the first time in a few days. Finished the first of 4(5? ) phases & got a couple achievements in a few of the others .
Final Thoughts.
How can I think about moving into social circles where I can stress about whether a whole new group of people might judge me & find me wanting?
How do I not be like this ?
Thank you to all those who are helping me on this journey, in a myriad different ways. I am thankful to each & every one of you! 🫂 🫶🐿️🖖
@Tim_McTuffty@actuallyautistic Owwww I wish I had the right words to say.. But with this... I'm kinda useless/clueless... I've never felt like an imposter cause, AuDHD or not, I did the best I could with the jobs I did. And with or without the dx, my best was still all I had to give. So I don't know what I can write to make it better, sorry 🤗
I am glad you enjoyed some gaming again! Yay!
And I hope you're having a good night sweets!! I have the hospital in the morning, so I'll be driving mum around and all that... 😊 But I'll try to be online while we're waiting and all... 🤗 😘
@PixysJourney@actuallyautistic I always gave 110% but did not feel that I was ever more than an average tech .
I look at others on here & see that in the world of small computers & networking I really don’t know a lot . It makes me doubt that I’m actually any good at this whole computing lark.
@Tim_McTuffty@actuallyautistic
Then you are not an imposter! You gave all you knew and could. You tried all that they asked of you. And there's always gonna folks that know more, are better, are faster, are smarter... That doesn't diminish the work that you did! Heck, I'd feel bad all the time then as all the work I did was for unschooled peeps 😔
The bits that you did, the things that you do, you're still good at! Maybe, because you're not in the business anymore, your knowledge has faded some and maybe it's outdated some. But you still do the automation things in your home. I still walk to the light switch, I still manually do the curtains 😂 so you know so much more! You even made a program to get the Spotify I share to your Apple and vise versa... You do know stuffs!!! 🤗
Hope that helped! 😘
@ketmorco@Tim_McTuffty@actuallyautistic 👍🏻 that's what I meant with my reply as well... There's always people that are "better", but there's also loads that are "less"... It's not a competion... I wanna know things so I'll research them. But I do that for me, not because someone else may already know more... If that makes sense...
@Tim_McTuffty@actuallyautistic
I suspect that most of us are our own worst critics and also feel that our lives don't exactly bare cross scrutiny in terms of how successful they've been. So, if nothing else, you're in good company. The truth is, that we don't have the capacity of comparing ourselves against others in anything like a fair way, not the way allistics seem able to do it with ease. We will always be harsher and crueller than the facts indicate. Perhaps, it's best not to try. Judge not by what you've been, but where you're going, seems to be more our speed and inline with our natures.