Those who build their lives around helping others & put others first will often find themselves put last when they need help themselves, abandoned by everyone, with no true solidarity given.
Boundaries are difficult. I’m a lot better than I used to be, but sometimes I realise that a person who responds warmly to my kindness is doing so because they want to be rescued.
Sometimes people need to be rescued, but we need to ask ourselves if we have what’s needed to do so effectively. Most of the time, people need support & encouragement to rescue themselves, but that can be tough too, especially if they lack sufficient confidence & self esteem to do so. Sometimes they need professional support.
Overextending ourselves obviously isn’t good for us, but it’s not good for them either. Whether they’re a user, or whether they need tougher love than you’re able to give, letting others wear us down does neither of us any good.
Unfortunately I think it means we do have to train our defenses better. You gotta be able to recognise when people are exploiting you and shut that shit down, or your innate kindness will be sucked dry by leeches.
This is where I learn the hard way two main things. The first is to put limits. There are limits to my help. I can't save the world, and I have a limited amount of time and energy to help the others. We have to give us time for ourselves. Free time is also taking care of ourselves.
Limits are not just the amount of help. It's also what we receive for it. We all have to make a living. It can't be free all the time.
The other point I learned this way is to say "no". Sometimes, we can't do it for whatever reason. We can't risk a burnout for the confort of the others. We have to take care of our mental health.
Self-care is important. We as autistic often forget about it.
I will still help people who need help. I'm happy to do it. There is not issue about it. I do it for free when I can do it.
One could say, "What? Didn't you LEARN that doing the right thing gets you fucked?" But there are just some 'lessons' that aren't worth learning, if it means becoming one of them.
It is very depressing through; helping out friends and others in all sorts of ways, then finding a huge void shaped like them when one needs help oneself:-"What have you done for me LATELY?" 😣