Heya @actuallyautistic folks, do we have a Prime Directive around undiagnosed folks?
Trans folks have the Egg Prime Directive: don't tell someone they might be trans, because it's conter-intuitive in most cases (pushing people deeper into the closet).
As I disclose my diagnosis to people close to me, an unsurprising amount of them resonate with my experience and ask me whether I think they might be. I refuse to answer but share resources and offer to reply to questions about my personal experience.
One reason I don't tell people that I think they are autistic, is because that makes me and my relationship with them part of their self realisation.
Instead of simply dealing the question "am I autistic", now they have an additional tangle to unravel of "Zumbador is convinced I'm autistic, how will they react if I decide I'm not?"
Anyone with demand avoidance will be likely to dig in their heels and disagree with my opinion about their autism, simply because they don't feel safe being steered by me.
But I also don't think it's necessary to go out of your way to hide any hint that you think someone else might be autistic.
Depending on the person, you could tell someone that you wonder if they might be autistic. As long as you make it clear that you don't think you already know the answer.
@quinze no to both, I call it out when I see it. I've had so many conversations with people where their life changed from me just telling them they register as autistic.
I've been called out before when I was an egg and definitely will call out eggs as I see them, because so often they don't realize it's even an option for them.
If it's appropriate I might commiserate with shared experiences through the lens of my own autism, and share resources if it's something they're already thinking about. If it's not something they're thinking about, it's not on me to press it.
For me this has to do with the importance of framing autism as an internal state versus some slate of nonstandard behaviours as seen from outside.
I'm open about my challenges and interests. Over the past few years most of my 20+yr friendships have mentioned to me without prompting that they are autistic or exploring autism. I talk about it and when people are ready to talk about it, they talk to me. I have so many bookmarks to share.
My mom told me I was autistic when I was 8, but I know I wasn't diagnosed, and I didn't get that understanding myself until I was 40. Maybe sitting me down in front of Rain Man wasn't the right way for her to have that conversation, but if she were alive she is the one that yes, I would tell her she's autistic.
@quinze@actuallyautistic I've told two close friends I suspended they were, and they were both shocked to learn that they actually were. Both were very positive experiences. But I wouldn't do that to just anyone no matter how obviously autistic they are. For both of them I knew they'd be receptive to the idea.
@melindrea@quinze@actuallyautistic I am also openly autistic and it usually is me either saying so, and them relating to me enough to wonder if they are as well, or me telling people that “a lot of autistic people feel and say the same as you do” if they do an autism.
@quinze Great question. I don’t have the answer but keen to read others’ answers.
I’m genuinely not sure how I would have reacted if someone told me they thought I might be autistic. It could have gone either way. At various times in my life it could have gone very badly. But even if it did, it would have planted a seed. I rarely forget these things. Often keep pondering feedback for years afterwards. I DO wish I knew sooner, but would I have been in the right mindset to listen? Hmm.
There isn't a prime directive. I go with the flow. Most of the time I learn that others are autistic or ND or might be autistic or ND when I share that I am autistic. Also, it depends on our relationship. I saw somebody two nights ago who looked like they were stimming, but I said nothing. They were the merest of acquaintances.
Conversely, I asked a girl I went on a date with whether she was ND, and she said she thinks she is, given that she was on a date with an autistic enby (me) and her girlfriends are all autistic.
Context drives what I do, but there is no prime directive. Do be prepared for backlash if you speak out of turn, however. I've not encountered the backlash, but I suppose it exists.
@quinze@actuallyautistic just as a note, the egg prime directive is very contentious among trans people, with some claiming it's harmful and based on individualistic, ahistorical ideas about transness. personally i'm very thankful for some ppl having told me i might be trans, since the entire rest of the world was telling me that could never ever be the case. not claiming anything about this principle applied to autistic folks, especially since i'm unsure if i fit under that term
@quinze@actuallyautistic I don’t talk to people about autistic traits I might see in them unless they ask and I’d never pretend to have access to what I’d really need to know to suggest anything. But yeah same I do feel that I have a moral imperative to be as open as my privilege allows in order to normalize the information itself as well as the experience of being Autistic and I love sharing what I find in my Autism and Autism-adjacent rabbit holes
@seanwithwords@actuallyautistic well said 💜 I think positive representation is very important, same as for sexual & gender minorities.
I had a pretty prejudiced and ignorant reaction when my therapist suggested I might be autistic, and I would have hated myself after having such a reaction around a friend.
My autism journey began when my first grandchild was diagnosed,. My daughter asked me to participate in a study of genetic bases for autism. If that hadn't happened, I'm not sure I would know that I was #ActuallyAutistic myself.
I was never really good at masking, and looking back, I can see the damage that did in my life when I didn't know.
I agree about positive representation. I am openly, visibly, #trans for that very reason.
@janetlogan@quinze@actuallyautistic gotta represent. I'm especially loving this conversation because I am currently trying to figure out how I relate to gender, and, like with Autism, it was both something I needed to arrive at on my own, and something where I really appreciate having people around me who are further along on the journey