I am really loving and connecting with the TV series, Astrid: Murder in Paris.
I’ve only got as far as episode 3 (no spoilers please!) but I’m realising that watching it has rocked me to my core quite a bit.
I’ve never seen someone who is similar in age and challenges to me. Most autistic characters seem to be younger (children, teens, maybe early 20s). Astrid doesn’t seem like she’s in her 40s like me, but I can still relate a lot more than to other characters.
Realised I used to be called [and sometimes quietly refer to myself as] “fragile”. I’m sometimes called “brilliant”, too, which usually sets up great expectations of me in other areas that I fail at meeting in spectacular ways. These words were used to describe Astrid. I am very familiar with the spiky skillset idea, but hearing words that are familiar to me… kinda hits differently? Somehow.
I see how she is more “obviously” autistic than me. I see how she navigates the names she gets called and the way she is treated like she is a child sometimes. I think I’m ready to start facing that kind of discrimination if it means masking less and taking care of myself more. I need to find a way to allow myself to very gradually explore this, while remembering that my masking is deeply engrained and very much automatic, not a conscious choice the vast majority of the time.
One thing I’m exploring is allowing myself to express my troubles without using words. Usually, I will try to keep a neutral exterior and try to calmly say “I am not doing well right now”. But no one is taking that seriously. I usually have to repeat it 3 times and then eventually break down in front of someone before they’ll realise and help in the ways they’ve agreed already they will help me. Quicker help would make a massive difference and make the outcome so much better.
I want to retrain my brain to show my struggles outwardly. I may need to use words, too, but I’m hoping even allistic and neurotypicals who know and care about me will learn the visible signs that I’m struggling and if I go non-speaking or shutdown completely, then hopefully there will be some sort of support or recognition of what’s happening.
